me and the children. all 5 of them.

[CraigyG]

Well hello,

I know im not a mum,but at the minute im the mum and dad rolled into one. I have 5 children and me and my wife always wanted a large family. She recently left after meeting someone online and said she needed a break.

Not great timing as i am having trouble keeping my iob as it is, i do have a well payed job, but juggling the kids is not easy and have even asked my ex for some help recently and she is starting to be around alot more which is comforting. But is it wrong to feel this way?

My ex doesn't have kids, she does love mine though and she was hinting at 'us' alot last week.

2 of my children are troubled and was findint it hard to gain any control and found myself losing it a couple of times and had to cool of for a few minutes and th children had the house in a right state both times, i think they are wanting attention. The ages are from 5 to 15. Heeelp.

Thanks and hoping to find some answers,

Craig.x

[mamij]

Not sure how old your children are, but you need to get a nanny or childminder to help when you're at work. Or even a "mothers" helper person. You can get childcare vouchers to help with the cost of a registered childminder.

You should take a week off (if you can afford any annual leave) to spend some time with your children, and to show them that they still do matter! During that time, instil some structure/routine, which will help you as well!

Do you have family who can help? Do something special with your kids and spend some one to one time with them.

Also, agree with others that you should keep Jen out of the picture.

[CraigyG]

Hi guys, thank you very much for all the support, i am still reading the posts and taking notes from them all.

Gold im not sure what your problem is, she said she needed a break from our relationship, but i think that was just an excuse to go off with her fancy man, i found out about him through someone else. Which wasnt nice at all.

As for the children i love them to bits, take them out every weekend, hard in the week as i work 12 hours a day most days and my wife was a stay at home mum with everything she wanted to make her happy, or so i thought.

Been out with the children today so will reply tomorrow, thank you all very much.

Craig.

[CoolaYuleA]

Quint you said you make a lot of assumptions, fair enough....

But there is a difference between assuming and actively inventing things that were never mentioned.

"You are considering hooking up with Jen" - never mentioned.

Jen is mentioned in that she is an ex who he works with, who has noticed he was struggling after his wife up and left and offered to help. OP asked if it was wrong to feel that her presence was comforting..... This is NOT the same as "considering hooking up with someone". I find my dog's presence comforting when I am stressed - definitely not considering hooking up with her! Yes Jen has been hinting about "us" but there is NOTHING in any of the OPs posts to suggest any reciprocation of these feelings.


"You dont go move in your ex from more than 15 years ago (I assume) within a month of your wife leaving. This is foolish. You need to be a family with your kids. Not some other woman that swoops in."

That has to be the biggest leap I have ever seen on MN. Nowhere does it say that Jen has moved in. There has been NO mention, or even a vague implication of any rekindling of the old relationship on the OPs part - let alone anything to imply Jen is ever going to move in. He hasn't even mentioned what her circumstances are.

"But I dont get a sense from your posts that you know your children very well, nor that you have been very hands on. I dont get a sense of you wanting what is best for them".

All I can say to that is WTF? We are clearly reading totally different threads I'm reading the real one.

Making assumptions is never a good idea - but from that post you seem to be filling in gaps with stuff you are making up to increase the drama for yourself. I think the OP has enough going on without you adding to it - because most of what you are saying is additions to the OPs version, as opposed to what he says is actually happening.

[foreverondiet]

Not sure this is a post for the IABU but anyway.

Very difficult to be left to look after 5 children on your own esp when working full time.

I don't agree with the other posters about "Jen" as she is offering support to you and you need all the help you can get, and like girlfriends, nannies can also leave which is unsettling for the children. If she can help out so that you can give more time to your kids then that's good - although I do think though that you should find other support as well as Jen though and def need to speak to school and grandparents etc.

[bradywasmyfavouritewiseman]

OP ignore the people here who think your wife must have been driven away. You need a break, book a weekend away or even (if its the marriage you want a break from) have a trial separation. You don't leave and not see your children for over a month.
Some posters are keen to apply double standards and see men as the villans, they lose the capability to be objective.
This situation can be turned on its head as lots more men are sahp now and a man who was a sahp who left in these circumstances would be subjected to what you have been.

Please ignore it.

My suggestion would be to accept help from Jen and friends and family (this is the main advice for women in this position). However, imo, it is too soon to start anything with anyone.

Take some time showing the kids that you are a family, they are your priority and try and make them feel secure.

Its very hard but you will get there.

[YouSeveredHead]

I'm so sorry for you and your children. The poor things must be so confused. Do you know what she has been saying to them when she calls? Could you call her to arrange visits?

Jen is not a long term answer so you need to put perm plans into place. 5 is a big task I'm sure, try to utilize your work skills to organize it all. Put together a timetable of all school and activities and highlight where you actually need help. It could be that before and after school clubs are enough or maybe you do need a nanny/child minder.

I'm not surprised if a couple of them are acting up their whole world has turned upside down.

You don't know what jen's intentions are but either way its not fair to rely on her do heavily.

[fluffygal]

Op it is not your fault, I can't imagine how you are coping! I have 5 children and my husband and I both work, and it is very hard juggling who is going where and at what childminders/club/school, only helped by my husband being self employed. It must be so hard. You need all the help you can get so if there is no one around and Jen is happy to help I think you need to use that help. You just need to be clear to her and your children that she is just a friend and don't cross those boundaries.

For some reason when a woman leaves their children there are some posters who don't believe it really happens. My SS's birthmum has done it 3 times to 6 children by 3 dads. I know another man who has his children with no help from the birthmum. It happens all too often.

[CraigyG]

Thank you again for the kind comments, i think people are taking the situation with jen the wrong way. I have no intention of 'hooking up' with her,i just didnt want to lead her on by accepting her help after she mentioned 'us'.

Neither do i want to my wife or children to think i am hooking up with jen as that will only upset the situation.

My wife has just been saying she had to go away and see her mother as she is on her own and needed some help for a bit.

Will reply later as i am with the children again today. Thought it best to be with them for the weekend. Git a nanny coming tomorrow to help and see how it goes

Craig.

[Casserole]

How are you Craig?

[RabbitsMakeGOLDBaubles]

Hiya.

Consider getting in touch with Homestart Craigy. They can offer lots of support for someone in your position.

Talk to the school also, they may be able to offer some help with the children emotionally, and often practically, as mine has in the past.

Don't fall into a relationship for convenience sake, it won't solve anything and it may make things worse for you. If she's worth it, she'll wait for you, and respect that the children have a mother and have got a lot going on right now, too much for their dad to be distracted by a woman.

You must really be struggling emotionally as well as practically, perhaps a word with the doctor might help, he may well be able to at least refer you to appropriate services in the area?

I hope you manage to have a nice Christmas. I know it will be difficult, but there are solutions out there that don't necessarily involve having another woman to replace your wife. I think that she is a complication, not a solution.

x