me and the children. all 5 of them.

[CraigyG]

Well hello,

I know im not a mum,but at the minute im the mum and dad rolled into one. I have 5 children and me and my wife always wanted a large family. She recently left after meeting someone online and said she needed a break.

Not great timing as i am having trouble keeping my iob as it is, i do have a well payed job, but juggling the kids is not easy and have even asked my ex for some help recently and she is starting to be around alot more which is comforting. But is it wrong to feel this way?

My ex doesn't have kids, she does love mine though and she was hinting at 'us' alot last week.

2 of my children are troubled and was findint it hard to gain any control and found myself losing it a couple of times and had to cool of for a few minutes and th children had the house in a right state both times, i think they are wanting attention. The ages are from 5 to 15. Heeelp.

Thanks and hoping to find some answers,

Craig.x

Ha at gold, of course the wife abandoning her children has to be the fault of the husband. I assume if a man walked out on his family you would agree it was the fault of the wife?
Op, far too soon to be introducing Jen as some kind of substitute mother, especially with regard to your teenagers. Will end messily for all no matter how nice she is. Have seen men move on fast from wife's death, for example, and the teenagers hated the new woman.
Have you no family to help?

Craig, do you have your parents locally and can they help stabilise the two kids that are angry and acting out?

Is there a parent advisor at any of the kids' schools?

It may feel worse for you, but if you push a new woman on your kids a month after their mother left, it will feel infinitely worse for your children. They will already be feeling upset/angry/rejected/unloved without their Dad inviting in a replacement Mum.

Sit down with the children, and speak to them honestly and openly about how they are feeling. Give them routine and structure, ask the older ones to help out a bit more, if only for a short while. You need to reassure them that you are going nowhere and, although things may be difficult as you are all upset, you will all get there as a family, together.

Have you spoken to their schools? HV? There could be some extra help/support they could point you to.

Jen is only going to make your children feel worse at this point

Sorry to hear you are going through such a tough time. Is the break from your wife likely to be temporary? If so I think I would keep your ex at a bit of a distance for the moment. Although I can completely understand why she would be some comfort to you at the moment. Your poor children must be so unsettled at the moment, take any help that is on offer from your and your wife's family .

Hello Welcome to mumsnet.

Congrats you are now the single parent of your five smart kind lovly kids. You are your own little family.

You need to contact your wife and get child maintace and access sorted out.

You need to explain what is happening to the children and not disrespect or put down their mum as they still love her and its their mun.

You need to get into a routine that does not involve Jan.

Set a cleaning rota for you and the children, bedtime routine and be consitant with disapline. They need to know you are firm and you love them and you are not going anywhere no matter how hard they push you (and they will push you)

You need to get some childcare sorted for after school with 5 children it might be cheaper to employ a nanny till you get home from work. Also check that they can do odd days at short notice to cover if they are sick and cant go to school.

You need to get organised a family wall planner is helpful, do shopping online meal plan and set reminders on your phone for appointments as well.

Family counciling could be a good idea to open communication with the children regarding their mum leaving and to help form the new family bond.

Do not put on the 15 yo as they are still a child and will need you just as much as the other children but make household chores age approrate.

Good luck and sorry you are in this situation

I really feel for you Craig. I can totally understand that you are reeling from the shock of your wife leaving, struggling to keep the plates spinning at work and now dealing with being a single parent to 5 kids (that bit alone makes me want a drink! )

I think there's two issues. One is that you will crack up if you try to deal with this all on your own, and the second is whether "Jen" is the right person to help you.

I don't think she's the ideal choice. It is likely to confuse your kids, especially if she is thinking there might be an "us". IS there an us? Be honest here. Are you sleeping with / kissing / anything else her? Are you letting her think there is going to be an us? Do YOU see a possible us with her? Even if you do, I think it's way too early, to be honest. You are still getting over the shock of your wife leaving. You're not thinking straight about what or who you want - nobody could be. So unless there is absolutely nothing "us" about it I would strongly caution you about how much you "use" her (I don't mean that nastily).

But you DO need support. Otherwise you will go mad. Here are my ideas:

Could you talk to your boss, explain what's going on and ask if there is anything they can do to make life a bit simpler for a few months? Let you start/finish a bit later/earlier?

What age are your kids, are they at school? Do they go to after school club / childminder? Could you speak to the Headteacher, explain that your wife has left so suddenly and ask if they can help support your family at all? I can understand that after school clubs for for 5 children would be costly but the school might be able to subsidise them short term in such exceptional circumstances?

The other idea is to look into some sort of Nanny or Au Pair to help you - I have no idea how well paid your job is and whether that might be an option?

I would really be struggling in your situation. I hope you find a way through.

It must be a real shock! You need to establish routine and boundaries. But try and make it fun and make all the kids feel valued and loved. Be positive, explain that you all have to pull together and care for each other. Tell them you are finding things hard but you you know it can work if you become a team and work together.

Can you sit all the kids down and get them to write out a small jobs/homework rota between them - and also agree a routine for getting out of the house/to bed. Put the routine/rota on the wall so everyone can see. Reward with appropriate rewards ie) a small treat in their lunch box for getting out of the house nicely with out being nagged and sticking to the agreed morning routine. Give a small amount of pocket money for each listed job - taking the bins out, loading the dish washer, tidying up etc. The older children could even cook once a the weekend? Reward for nice behavior also.

Heres what I do with my boys. I use a timer and it goes off every half hour to keep everyone on track.

7 - up
7.30 breakfast
8.00 - hair teeth coats on
8.20 - leave

Home start might be able to help, too: www.home-start.org.uk/

It's not accusing you of jumping into a relationship craigy, more that when you are hurting and struggling it's natural to turn to someone close who is happy to help (in a practical way). Just be aware of the affect it could have on all of you if your emotions get tangled up in this.
As far as the children go, possibly speak to school about what has happened and see what they suggest, or your GP. Possibly counselling to help them verbalise their feelings rather than acting out in a physical way may help?

I think you should aim to manage with out your ex really. If you want to follow a romantic interest with her, then do it slowly over time once you have your family organised. Don't get heavily romantically involved just because you need someone/anyone to help practically right now.

I do think you need to find some weekly time for yourself at some point though. Maybe get the kids to various clubs on a Saturday morning and wonder of for a quiet coffee or a walk somewhere?

that's not very sympathetic! she has five children, she might well be worn out.

Wtf? I can not understand some people on here. If a woman posted she was struggling to cope after her husband abandoned her with 5 kids and had only called a couple of times since and never seen the kids, I can promise people wouldn't be saying 'oh maybe he is worn out, poor man'. And no one would be blaming the wife and asking 'did you support him enough?' or 'were you stringing you ex along is that why he left'.

Get a grip. She might be kbackered but she has fucked off with another man and left her kids.

chaotic I'm afraid that there were infact a couple of posts that implied the OP was somehow at fault in this situation. I'm almost certain this would not have been the case if he were a woman.
On the other hand op I do agree with the majority on here that Jen is not a good helper for you. I'm so sorry for your situation and your poor children and I hope you can take note of some of the informed advice on here.

What casserole said. So sorry for you and the children.

Also, maybe ask MNHQ if you can transfer this to the relationships section, as you will get some good support and advice on there, in addition to what you have already had from here.

If a female friend of mine told me they were involving a ex partner with there children when there husband had only left about a month ago and they were looking at getting children checked for behaviour disorders if no signs had appeared before and felt the need to get help from this woman because they couldn't deal with the house or the kids.

I would tell them they needed to see a doctor if it turned out they were not depressed and actually struggling and jumping for the easy option and putting there own needs above the kids at such a sensitive time, I would probably avoid them until they got there priorities sorted out. Then privately think that if it had of been her husband who did the bulk of the care ect before they left then he probably had good reason for leaving.

Craigy, loads of good advice on here so none to add but just wanted to post support to you at this bad time. Your kids are lucky to have you and your wife will bitterly regret her actions in time.

I am sorry, but I still dont get this.

Your oldest child is 15 years.
Jen was your girlfriend from before you got married. You have been married 8 years.
You work in the same place as Jen.
Your wife started acting strange in October.
Your wife left mid November.
Jen discovered you were not coping in work.
You have only had a working relationship with Jen until after your wife left.
A month ago.

Jen says she loves your children. Really?
Did she start loving them this last month? All 5 of them?
Last week, after your wife had been gone 3 weeks Jen started talking about "us". You are considering hooking up with Jen.

You dont have to explain yourself to a bunch of (vile) internet strangers.
But you do need to rationalize all this to yourself.

You have already had a lot of good advice about coping as a single parent. And to stay away from Jen, as this will only serve to confuse your kids.

Your wife left because she needed "a break" - You dont go move in your ex from more than 15 years ago (I assume) within a month of your wife leaving. This is foolish. You need to be a family with your kids. Not some other woman that swoops in.

It is very rare for a woman to abandon her children. Men seem to be able to do this without looking back at a mouth-dropping rate. But that is by the by.

You will find that many posters here are so keen to not apply double standard, they lose their usually no-nonsense attitude. This situation cannot be turned on its head, unless you both work full time and are as financially stable as the other.

But I doubt that, because it would mean procedures were in place, such as cleaner and after school nanny, and your life would not be as topsy turvy as it is now. But this is just me assuming. And admittedly, I assume a heck of a lot.

Does your wife work?
Has she been a stay at home mum?
You say you have a well paid job that has allowed you to have a large family.
But I dont get a sense from your posts that you know your children very well, nor that you have been very hands on. I dont get a sense of you wanting what is best for them (your concern is Jen and coping, and bringing in Jen to help you cope).
When a man leaves a mum and their children behind, the problem is usually (aside from the emotional) financial. The working dad has the salary. Mum is left with the kids and does not know how to feed her kids. You are in the position that money is not a problem (as you work, you have your home) the problem is coping with your kids. Structure, boundaries, and a nanny are good suggestions.
This should be your focus, along with getting legal advice, try to find your wife and talk to her. Find out why she left and see if you can repair your marriage.
No Jen!

Good luck!

AIBU to ask if this is Brad Pitt posting?

5 kids, ex-called Jen?!

Hi Craig, I'm so sorry you're in such a difficult situation. Please do ignore any posts suggesting you're somehow responsible for your wife leaving

Firstly, YANBU to find the presence and interest of someone else comforting, especially if it's someone you have a history with and are therefore familiar with. However, I do urge you to keep a bit of distance and not fall into a rebound relationship because that will be very difficult for your children to handle. They need stability and structure at the moment, and the upheaval of their mum leaving and having no contact so far will be very unsettling for them.

I don't like to go along with gender stereotypes too much but it is less common for the mother to leave the marital home and children behind, so I imagine part of the acting out by two of your children is coming to terms with feelings of abandonment. The best thing you can do is just keep reassuring them that you are there for them. Speak to somewhere like Gingerbread (a great single parents organisation) for support and perhaps investigate counselling services for the kids too. Homestart could be another good place for you to look for hands on help around the house.

Five kids is a massive workload for a couple, never mind a single parent so please don't feel there's anything wrong in feeling overwhelmed and lost.

I wish you the very best of luck and please do keep posting for advice and support. AIBU isn't always the best place for it but the Chat boards are a bit less bitey

Hi Craig,

Are you in the UK? If so, your kids should have specialists in their school to help deal with situations just like this and talk through their feelings, it will help.
Have you spoke to your wife at all?? I'm astonished she hasn't had an adult conversation with you about how all this is affecting your children, talking to them on the phone is not going to tell her that is it? do you even know where she is?! She needs to take responsibility for her kids, even if she doesn't want to be at home anymore :(

Now, Jen, are you interested in her romantically? if so, please do nothing, she may seems like the solution, but trust me, not yet she isn't. Not for you , the kids, or even her. If you're not interested, tell her.

You haven't answered if it's possible to hire some help? Mind you, it's taken me so long to type this, you may have by now!
Anyway, welcome to mumsnet, keep posting, there is a wealth of experience from every possible angle on here, and you will always find someone to talk to.

But I dont get a sense from your posts that you know your children very well, nor that you have been very hands on. I dont get a sense of you wanting what is best for them (your concern is Jen and coping, and bringing in Jen to help you cope). Where did you get all that from?

And quint where does it say the wife wanted 'a break'? She's pissed off with a bloke from the net, what's with you in these posts?

From the first paragraph after "well hello," in the op.

"She recently left after meeting someone online and said she needed a break."

Yep, saw it sorry.