me and the children. all 5 of them.

[CraigyG]

Well hello,

I know im not a mum,but at the minute im the mum and dad rolled into one. I have 5 children and me and my wife always wanted a large family. She recently left after meeting someone online and said she needed a break.

Not great timing as i am having trouble keeping my iob as it is, i do have a well payed job, but juggling the kids is not easy and have even asked my ex for some help recently and she is starting to be around alot more which is comforting. But is it wrong to feel this way?

My ex doesn't have kids, she does love mine though and she was hinting at 'us' alot last week.

2 of my children are troubled and was findint it hard to gain any control and found myself losing it a couple of times and had to cool of for a few minutes and th children had the house in a right state both times, i think they are wanting attention. The ages are from 5 to 15. Heeelp.

Thanks and hoping to find some answers,

Craig.x

[RabbitsMakeGOLDBaubles]

Hiya.

Consider getting in touch with Homestart Craigy. They can offer lots of support for someone in your position.

Talk to the school also, they may be able to offer some help with the children emotionally, and often practically, as mine has in the past.

Don't fall into a relationship for convenience sake, it won't solve anything and it may make things worse for you. If she's worth it, she'll wait for you, and respect that the children have a mother and have got a lot going on right now, too much for their dad to be distracted by a woman.

You must really be struggling emotionally as well as practically, perhaps a word with the doctor might help, he may well be able to at least refer you to appropriate services in the area?

I hope you manage to have a nice Christmas. I know it will be difficult, but there are solutions out there that don't necessarily involve having another woman to replace your wife. I think that she is a complication, not a solution.

x

[Casserole]

How are you Craig?

[CraigyG]

Thank you again for the kind comments, i think people are taking the situation with jen the wrong way. I have no intention of 'hooking up' with her,i just didnt want to lead her on by accepting her help after she mentioned 'us'.

Neither do i want to my wife or children to think i am hooking up with jen as that will only upset the situation.

My wife has just been saying she had to go away and see her mother as she is on her own and needed some help for a bit.

Will reply later as i am with the children again today. Thought it best to be with them for the weekend. Git a nanny coming tomorrow to help and see how it goes

Craig.

[fluffygal]

Op it is not your fault, I can't imagine how you are coping! I have 5 children and my husband and I both work, and it is very hard juggling who is going where and at what childminders/club/school, only helped by my husband being self employed. It must be so hard. You need all the help you can get so if there is no one around and Jen is happy to help I think you need to use that help. You just need to be clear to her and your children that she is just a friend and don't cross those boundaries.

For some reason when a woman leaves their children there are some posters who don't believe it really happens. My SS's birthmum has done it 3 times to 6 children by 3 dads. I know another man who has his children with no help from the birthmum. It happens all too often.

[YouSeveredHead]

I'm so sorry for you and your children. The poor things must be so confused. Do you know what she has been saying to them when she calls? Could you call her to arrange visits?

Jen is not a long term answer so you need to put perm plans into place. 5 is a big task I'm sure, try to utilize your work skills to organize it all. Put together a timetable of all school and activities and highlight where you actually need help. It could be that before and after school clubs are enough or maybe you do need a nanny/child minder.

I'm not surprised if a couple of them are acting up their whole world has turned upside down.

You don't know what jen's intentions are but either way its not fair to rely on her do heavily.

[bradywasmyfavouritewiseman]

OP ignore the people here who think your wife must have been driven away. You need a break, book a weekend away or even (if its the marriage you want a break from) have a trial separation. You don't leave and not see your children for over a month.
Some posters are keen to apply double standards and see men as the villans, they lose the capability to be objective.
This situation can be turned on its head as lots more men are sahp now and a man who was a sahp who left in these circumstances would be subjected to what you have been.

Please ignore it.

My suggestion would be to accept help from Jen and friends and family (this is the main advice for women in this position). However, imo, it is too soon to start anything with anyone.

Take some time showing the kids that you are a family, they are your priority and try and make them feel secure.

Its very hard but you will get there.

[foreverondiet]

Not sure this is a post for the IABU but anyway.

Very difficult to be left to look after 5 children on your own esp when working full time.

I don't agree with the other posters about "Jen" as she is offering support to you and you need all the help you can get, and like girlfriends, nannies can also leave which is unsettling for the children. If she can help out so that you can give more time to your kids then that's good - although I do think though that you should find other support as well as Jen though and def need to speak to school and grandparents etc.

[CoolaYuleA]

Quint you said you make a lot of assumptions, fair enough....

But there is a difference between assuming and actively inventing things that were never mentioned.

"You are considering hooking up with Jen" - never mentioned.

Jen is mentioned in that she is an ex who he works with, who has noticed he was struggling after his wife up and left and offered to help. OP asked if it was wrong to feel that her presence was comforting..... This is NOT the same as "considering hooking up with someone". I find my dog's presence comforting when I am stressed - definitely not considering hooking up with her! Yes Jen has been hinting about "us" but there is NOTHING in any of the OPs posts to suggest any reciprocation of these feelings.


"You dont go move in your ex from more than 15 years ago (I assume) within a month of your wife leaving. This is foolish. You need to be a family with your kids. Not some other woman that swoops in."

That has to be the biggest leap I have ever seen on MN. Nowhere does it say that Jen has moved in. There has been NO mention, or even a vague implication of any rekindling of the old relationship on the OPs part - let alone anything to imply Jen is ever going to move in. He hasn't even mentioned what her circumstances are.

"But I dont get a sense from your posts that you know your children very well, nor that you have been very hands on. I dont get a sense of you wanting what is best for them".

All I can say to that is WTF? We are clearly reading totally different threads I'm reading the real one.

Making assumptions is never a good idea - but from that post you seem to be filling in gaps with stuff you are making up to increase the drama for yourself. I think the OP has enough going on without you adding to it - because most of what you are saying is additions to the OPs version, as opposed to what he says is actually happening.

[CraigyG]

Hi guys, thank you very much for all the support, i am still reading the posts and taking notes from them all.

Gold im not sure what your problem is, she said she needed a break from our relationship, but i think that was just an excuse to go off with her fancy man, i found out about him through someone else. Which wasnt nice at all.

As for the children i love them to bits, take them out every weekend, hard in the week as i work 12 hours a day most days and my wife was a stay at home mum with everything she wanted to make her happy, or so i thought.

Been out with the children today so will reply tomorrow, thank you all very much.

Craig.

[mamij]

Not sure how old your children are, but you need to get a nanny or childminder to help when you're at work. Or even a "mothers" helper person. You can get childcare vouchers to help with the cost of a registered childminder.

You should take a week off (if you can afford any annual leave) to spend some time with your children, and to show them that they still do matter! During that time, instil some structure/routine, which will help you as well!

Do you have family who can help? Do something special with your kids and spend some one to one time with them.

Also, agree with others that you should keep Jen out of the picture.

[AlienRefucksLooksLikeSnow]

Yep, saw it sorry.

[GoldQuintessenceAndMyhrr]

From the first paragraph after "well hello," in the op.

"She recently left after meeting someone online and said she needed a break."

[AlienRefucksLooksLikeSnow]

And quint where does it say the wife wanted 'a break'? She's pissed off with a bloke from the net, what's with you in these posts?

[AlienRefucksLooksLikeSnow]

But I dont get a sense from your posts that you know your children very well, nor that you have been very hands on. I dont get a sense of you wanting what is best for them (your concern is Jen and coping, and bringing in Jen to help you cope). Where did you get all that from?

[AlienRefucksLooksLikeSnow]

Hi Craig,

Are you in the UK? If so, your kids should have specialists in their school to help deal with situations just like this and talk through their feelings, it will help.
Have you spoke to your wife at all?? I'm astonished she hasn't had an adult conversation with you about how all this is affecting your children, talking to them on the phone is not going to tell her that is it? do you even know where she is?! She needs to take responsibility for her kids, even if she doesn't want to be at home anymore :(

Now, Jen, are you interested in her romantically? if so, please do nothing, she may seems like the solution, but trust me, not yet she isn't. Not for you , the kids, or even her. If you're not interested, tell her.

You haven't answered if it's possible to hire some help? Mind you, it's taken me so long to type this, you may have by now!
Anyway, welcome to mumsnet, keep posting, there is a wealth of experience from every possible angle on here, and you will always find someone to talk to.

[KenLeeeeeeeInnaSantaHat]

Hi Craig, I'm so sorry you're in such a difficult situation. Please do ignore any posts suggesting you're somehow responsible for your wife leaving

Firstly, YANBU to find the presence and interest of someone else comforting, especially if it's someone you have a history with and are therefore familiar with. However, I do urge you to keep a bit of distance and not fall into a rebound relationship because that will be very difficult for your children to handle. They need stability and structure at the moment, and the upheaval of their mum leaving and having no contact so far will be very unsettling for them.

I don't like to go along with gender stereotypes too much but it is less common for the mother to leave the marital home and children behind, so I imagine part of the acting out by two of your children is coming to terms with feelings of abandonment. The best thing you can do is just keep reassuring them that you are there for them. Speak to somewhere like Gingerbread (a great single parents organisation) for support and perhaps investigate counselling services for the kids too. Homestart could be another good place for you to look for hands on help around the house.

Five kids is a massive workload for a couple, never mind a single parent so please don't feel there's anything wrong in feeling overwhelmed and lost.

I wish you the very best of luck and please do keep posting for advice and support. AIBU isn't always the best place for it but the Chat boards are a bit less bitey

[LadyHarrietdeSpook]

AIBU to ask if this is Brad Pitt posting?

5 kids, ex-called Jen?!

[GoldQuintessenceAndMyhrr]

I am sorry, but I still dont get this.

Your oldest child is 15 years.
Jen was your girlfriend from before you got married. You have been married 8 years.
You work in the same place as Jen.
Your wife started acting strange in October.
Your wife left mid November.
Jen discovered you were not coping in work.
You have only had a working relationship with Jen until after your wife left.
A month ago.

Jen says she loves your children. Really?
Did she start loving them this last month? All 5 of them?
Last week, after your wife had been gone 3 weeks Jen started talking about "us". You are considering hooking up with Jen.



You dont have to explain yourself to a bunch of (vile) internet strangers.
But you do need to rationalize all this to yourself.

You have already had a lot of good advice about coping as a single parent. And to stay away from Jen, as this will only serve to confuse your kids.

Your wife left because she needed "a break" - You dont go move in your ex from more than 15 years ago (I assume) within a month of your wife leaving. This is foolish. You need to be a family with your kids. Not some other woman that swoops in.

It is very rare for a woman to abandon her children. Men seem to be able to do this without looking back at a mouth-dropping rate. But that is by the by.

You will find that many posters here are so keen to not apply double standard, they lose their usually no-nonsense attitude. This situation cannot be turned on its head, unless you both work full time and are as financially stable as the other.

But I doubt that, because it would mean procedures were in place, such as cleaner and after school nanny, and your life would not be as topsy turvy as it is now. But this is just me assuming. And admittedly, I assume a heck of a lot.

Does your wife work?
Has she been a stay at home mum?
You say you have a well paid job that has allowed you to have a large family.
But I dont get a sense from your posts that you know your children very well, nor that you have been very hands on. I dont get a sense of you wanting what is best for them (your concern is Jen and coping, and bringing in Jen to help you cope).
When a man leaves a mum and their children behind, the problem is usually (aside from the emotional) financial. The working dad has the salary. Mum is left with the kids and does not know how to feed her kids. You are in the position that money is not a problem (as you work, you have your home) the problem is coping with your kids. Structure, boundaries, and a nanny are good suggestions.
This should be your focus, along with getting legal advice, try to find your wife and talk to her. Find out why she left and see if you can repair your marriage.
No Jen!

Good luck!

[thebody]

Craigy, loads of good advice on here so none to add but just wanted to post support to you at this bad time. Your kids are lucky to have you and your wife will bitterly regret her actions in time.

[IneedAsockamnesty]

If a female friend of mine told me they were involving a ex partner with there children when there husband had only left about a month ago and they were looking at getting children checked for behaviour disorders if no signs had appeared before and felt the need to get help from this woman because they couldn't deal with the house or the kids.

I would tell them they needed to see a doctor if it turned out they were not depressed and actually struggling and jumping for the easy option and putting there own needs above the kids at such a sensitive time, I would probably avoid them until they got there priorities sorted out. Then privately think that if it had of been her husband who did the bulk of the care ect before they left then he probably had good reason for leaving.

[CremeEggThief]

What casserole said. So sorry for you and the children.

Also, maybe ask MNHQ if you can transfer this to the relationships section, as you will get some good support and advice on there, in addition to what you have already had from here.

[Kalisi]

chaotic I'm afraid that there were infact a couple of posts that implied the OP was somehow at fault in this situation. I'm almost certain this would not have been the case if he were a woman.
On the other hand op I do agree with the majority on here that Jen is not a good helper for you. I'm so sorry for your situation and your poor children and I hope you can take note of some of the informed advice on here.

[bradywasmyfavouritewiseman]

that's not very sympathetic! she has five children, she might well be worn out.

Wtf? I can not understand some people on here. If a woman posted she was struggling to cope after her husband abandoned her with 5 kids and had only called a couple of times since and never seen the kids, I can promise people wouldn't be saying 'oh maybe he is worn out, poor man'. And no one would be blaming the wife and asking 'did you support him enough?' or 'were you stringing you ex along is that why he left'.

Get a grip. She might be kbackered but she has fucked off with another man and left her kids.

[Rudolphstolemycarrots]

I think you should aim to manage with out your ex really. If you want to follow a romantic interest with her, then do it slowly over time once you have your family organised. Don't get heavily romantically involved just because you need someone/anyone to help practically right now.

I do think you need to find some weekly time for yourself at some point though. Maybe get the kids to various clubs on a Saturday morning and wonder of for a quiet coffee or a walk somewhere?