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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to have felt sad about my Dd not joining in

21 replies

fixarupa · 14/12/2012 19:27

My Dd had her school nativity today. She is 4.5, so in Reception. She has been singing the songs at home and really looking forward to the play for weeks now whilst they have been busily preparing every day at school. I went with my parents and the hall was packed out with parents, grandparents etc. She came out on stage with the other kids, and then just sat there through the whole performance and didn't join in with the singing or the actions even though I know she knew all of it. I just felt so sad for her. It looked as though she really wanted to join in but was just not able to bring herself to do it. She is a shy child, but really bright and such a joy at home. I just find it so sad. She really seemed to be the only one not joining in which made it even worse. Any wise words or similar experiences? Is this normal?

OP posts:

AnameIcouldnotthinkof · 14/12/2012 19:33

My DD was similar. I think things like that overwhelmed her she did get better as she got older and had more experience.

Have you thought about putting her into a drama club , just to give her some experience and new friends and so on.

EndoplasmicReticulum · 14/12/2012 19:34

I have one like this. He just freezes, and although he knows it will not join in. The other one is a complete loud-mouthed show off!

desertgirl · 14/12/2012 19:35

was she upset afterwards? My DD has had nursery/school concerts for a while (both do at least 2 a year) although just 5. She used to sit among all the other children and not actually open her mouth or join in - but seemed reasonably happy and loved looking at herself on snippets of video etc later. More recently, she's been selective about what she joins in with; it just felt like the whole thing with the audience etc overwhelmed her a bit.

Anyway she's generally getting so much more confident that I am expecting to actually see her participate properly at her 'winter concert' on Monday :)

Good luck...

OhBuggerandArse · 14/12/2012 19:48

I have one of those too. We got through it this year by reading him this, which has a good bit about all the kittens feeling very nervous and not wanting to go on stage, but then beginning to enjoy it once they'd got started.

Mine's slowly getting better, the more things like this he has to do - I'm sure for him that it's mostly fear of the unfamiliar, so every experience helps a bit towards the next one. But if you'd asked me last year when he was under the table clinging to the wall so he didn't have to come out for the end of term drama club session with parents sitting in to watch I'd have said he was a lost cause... fingers crossed your DD gets over it soon.

StanleyLambchop · 14/12/2012 19:51

My DD was like this in reception. By YR2 they could not shut her up!!! Give it time.

Original poster

fixarupa · 14/12/2012 19:53

She seemed quite o.k about it afterwards really. She said she enjoyed it. I wondered if she might have joined in if we hadn't been there to watch her. She does tend to play up the whole shyness thing when my husband or I are with her. Its something we have noticed. Apparently at school she is quiet but not painfully shy, and she does interact with her peers. I was also a shy child and extremely self conscious. Even know I can't do any kind of public speaking and I am still never at ease in these situations. I just want to raise a confident child. I don't want her to be restricted in life like I have. Not sure about the whole drama club thing though tbh. I think it would be a waste of money if she doesn't join in.

OP posts:

LaCiccolina · 14/12/2012 19:56

Daft question but did she realise she didn't actually join in anything.? Maybe she was so busy enjoying it she didn't notice? Not as odd as u might think, a friends boy managed similar last year

kinkyfuckery · 14/12/2012 19:58

Aww bless. My DD2 sounds very similar - is shy, but plays on it when she feels like it.
In last year's nativity, she did the same as your DD - head down, didn't join in - but this year her class sang a song at the school concert and she faked it completely and sang at the top of her lungs, head held high. I was soooo proud of her. It's nativity on Tuesday so hopefully she'll do as well.

OddBoots · 14/12/2012 19:59

Oh please don't worry, the fact she didn't get upset and want to leave to stage or even get upset afterwards means she was okay. She may not have joined in but it was still a huge experience for her to be up there in front of everyone and it will give her more confidence for next time. I actually think there is something positive to be said for a child happy not to conform to the crowd.

Pandemoniaa · 14/12/2012 20:28

If she's not upset then I'd not worry.

ds1 did not like performing and particularly did not like dressing up to do so. He was not particularly shy either. I still recall his first nativity play when he was the grumpiest, if most silent reindeer ever. To make things worse, he had to wear "girlie's tights" which he saw as a personal insult.

ds2 on the other hand went on to get a drama degree.

Schmoozer · 14/12/2012 21:32

I was like that, at that age,
By age 10 i wanted the lead role in the school play !!
Dont worry, when I went to my dds nativity this week, some little lad cried his eyes out, it must be quite overwhelming, they still v little x

Festivedidi · 14/12/2012 21:38

I was like that at that age. By age 7 I was narrating and being the prompt for other kids when they forgot. It never really bothered me, I didn't care whether people had seen me perform, only that we'd all enjoyed the play.

Dd1 was similar at that age too but she outgrew it as well, although she's now in the teenage "that's so embarrassing" phase about any form of performing.

Dd2 is looking like she will be worse than dd1 ever was. She's only 2y9m but she has yet to speak to any adult that she doesn't know incredibly well, let alone join in with any singing/actions at a toddler group. I just know she'll be the one who sits and watches everyone else for years in school plays. I don't mind as long as it doesn't bother her. If it starts to worry her then I'll help her work on overcoming it.

peaceandlovebunny · 14/12/2012 21:39

its ok. tell her its ok to do it her way, and when she's ready. xx

Jingleallthejay · 14/12/2012 21:42

the fact she went on stage probably too busy watching the others is a good thing she wasn't upset or wouldnt go on , I am sure she is fine just you feel a bit sad you didnt see her do it, I had 1 who never did anything ever she did narrate one year but she was 11

upstart68 · 14/12/2012 21:43

Totally normal for some. I think a big clue is what you and your dp are like.

We're pretty shy. Ours doesn't like joining in in public.

They did a play in year 1 where alll dc out of 60 had to say three words and pass a microphone along to say theirs. 59 dc said their line - 1 didn't - mine!

It's pretty gutting. But I myself don't feel the urge to join choirs or amateur dramatics so maybe it's just genetic.

At the age of 7 she recently was asked to do a joint reading to a small audience. She's an amazing reader (stealth boast) so no worries there. But she hid and pretended she didn't hear her name called to read. They dragged her out and she read - for the first time with another dc.

It's progress. Some just don't like it. My dp went into amateur dramatics in a big way when he was in his teens. So I live in hope.

She never wants to dress up on dressing up days, never wants her face painted. It's not that she's not creative - she's really creative - but she just has some inbuilt reservations.

Try not to worry. In the grand scheme of things it doesn't matter.

Jingleallthejay · 14/12/2012 21:48

but she just has some inbuilt reservations.

I love this statement it is brilliant your dd will be fine , I dont like fancy dress and whatnot must be my inbuilt reservations kicking in

Whatiswitnit · 14/12/2012 22:33

Unless she was unhappy afterwards, I wouldn't fret too much about it.

I have twins in Year 2 and each time I see them perform for Nativity, assemblies etc, they're always different. They practice with gusto at home but do clam up sometimes on stage. My DD loves performing but looks embarrassed all the time - I definitely think it's when me and her dad are there watching her that makes her go shy. My DS usually stands looking a bit gormless or shuffles about looking like he's not sure what's going on, when he is on stage. He used to be chronically shy in Reception but he's gaining confidence all the time. I look at the other kids and think 'how come they're all so confident and on the ball?' but I know that if I look objectively there probably isn't much difference between them all. Most little kids stand there picking their nose, staring into space, yawning or just looking awkward etc at some point and I know from talking to other mums that their kids lack confidence on stage too.

As long as they enjoy the experience that's all that matters. OP, I'm sure your DD's confidence will grow slowly but surely; she may even have the lead role in the school play one day! Even if she does stay shy and not like the limelight, it's no big deal really.

DeWe · 14/12/2012 23:59

DD1 was like that at her reception performance. Two months later she did her first performance in a local pantomime in the children's chorus, and since then has been very into joining in on all performances, and loves it.

ReindeerBollocks · 15/12/2012 00:05

It's completely normal for such young children to not want to perform in front of a crowd.

What speaks volumes is that she knows she took part (even just by standing there) and she wasn't upset.

If she's anything like my DD I suspect she will be singing the songs at home all over Christmas for you to enjoy.

BreconBeBuggered · 15/12/2012 00:08

It seems like a shame she doesn't want to participate now. I felt like this about DS2. Now he's 10, and has the kind of singing voice that can be heard above the entire school body. And it ain't a pretty sound.

honeytea · 15/12/2012 00:53

I was just like your dd as a child. My mum told me she wouldn't come and see the school plays if I just sat and didn't sing, my solution was to do really bad pretend singing (opening my mouth randomly like a fish.)

I wasn't shy but I am dyslexic and trying to sing and listen and do the actions and remember the words at the same time was just too much for me.

I used to play the recorder and that was an issue because I'd just blow randomly into it as I wordplay perfectly well by myself but in a group it all got a bit much.

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