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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to tell my mum to stop referring to embryos as her grandchildre

26 replies

stormforce10 · 13/12/2012 12:23

my sister is having IVF. the embryos are going to be put in tomorrow. my mum is phoning her two or three times a day to ask for updates on her New grandchildren. this is upsetting dd as she knows odds stacked against her and she does not want to think of them ad people yet. she's asked me to talk to mum which I did as gently as possible. she stormed a.d raged at me. before SLAmming down phone.

aibu

OP posts:

WayneDeer · 13/12/2012 12:25

Your mum sounds awful

Floralnomad · 13/12/2012 12:26

I think your sister needs to stop answering the phone and your mother sounds a bit unhinged! Sorry

PartridgeInASpicyPearTree · 13/12/2012 12:26

No. That's awful of your mother.

Fakebook · 13/12/2012 12:28

Is your Mum normally this unsympathetic and rude? If she is, then why is she being told sensitive information like this? Sounds like she needs to butt out.

NamingOfParts · 13/12/2012 12:29

No, YWNBU at all. I also think that you are doing a very good thing by shielding your sister. Perhaps the storming and raging by your mum is an expression of her anxiety about the whole thing. If you feel strong enough can you continue to take the flak for a while? If you can be the point of contact for your mum for a while then this will be one less thing for your sister to worry about.

Original poster

stormforce10 · 13/12/2012 12:30

agree dd should stop answering phone edxcept she is expecting calls from hospital.

mum is usually totally kind a.
nd sane but seems to have lost herself over this. I think she thought she was being supportive

OP posts:

Original poster

stormforce10 · 13/12/2012 12:32

d s not dd

OP posts:

LemonBreeland · 13/12/2012 12:33

Your poor sister. IVF is obviously an emotional rollercoaster anyway without your Mother and er crass comments.

HECTheHallsWithRowsAndFolly · 13/12/2012 12:35

I think you need to tell your mum bluntly that she's hurting her daughter and needs to stop.

You tried gentle and she spat out her dummy.

She needs to be told clearly just how upset your sister is getting.

Fakebook · 13/12/2012 12:37

Ah, maybe she just doesn't know the whole sciency bit about how IVF is essentially hit or miss. Maybe she thinks she is trying to help?

AMumInScotland · 13/12/2012 12:37

YANBU. Maybe you need to be really blunt with your mum and say something like "LOOK - she knows there's a real chance that these embryos might DIE and her not end up pregnant at all. STOP UPSETTING HER! She doesn't want to think or talk about them as children until she can be sure they have implanted successfully and everything is going wrong. Till then they are EMBRYOS or you don't talk to her at all. Got it?"

Hopefully that will get through whatever fog of her own issues is getting in the way of her normal sanity.

omaoma · 13/12/2012 12:37

yeeesh. that's horrible. it's all about herself to your mum, isn't it?
My mum's a bit like this, her 'needy' level got stuck at age 9 I'd say,and it's never budged sadly. Very caring woman but can't help herself from being overwhelmingly needy at the wrong moments...
Ask her nicely to stop saying it, it's painful to your sister and the best thing she can do is STOP saying anything, really, about it if she cares about the outcome as she's being too pressuring. Agree that'll be difficult for her but not half as difficult as all this is for your sister, and it's all about your sister just at the mo...

PartridgeInASpicyPearTree · 13/12/2012 12:38

Has someone explained the percentages and risks to her? Just wondering if she doesn't realise that it's not a done deal tart there will be a baby at the end of it.

omaoma · 13/12/2012 12:38

Sorry, just noticed you said your mum had stormed and raged when yoyu sked nicely. Insert yourself between them, and tell your sister to avoid her as much as poss. Is your mum often like this?

Tailtwister · 13/12/2012 12:43

Your poor sister, I agree she needs to ignore your mum's calls if she can't be more sensitive.

We have been through ivf and it's an extremely difficult time waiting the 2 weeks after the embryos have been put back to see if it's worked. There's so much invested in the process already up until that point and your sister doesn't need to extra pressure.

You are being a really great sister fighting her corner like this. Your mum needs to grow up and see this isn't all about her. I wish your sister all the luck and hope this cycle is successful for her.

INeedThatForkOff · 13/12/2012 12:53

Would your mum like to think about the consequences of her thought process when it comes to deciding when to destroy unused embryos when the time comes? Perhaps she just thinks that the required 2 or 3 will be produced, and no more.

angeltattoo · 13/12/2012 12:54

Your poor sister

I can only imagine how stressful that is for her, I am pregnant and it has sent my (also normally lovely) mum a bit crazy with excitement.

Can you go and see your mum and talk over a cuppa? Especially as she is normally supportive. She needs to understand your sister's perspective and feelings on this, no if's, no buts, your sister's wants and needs come first.

Fingers crossed for a great outcome

MrsMushroom · 13/12/2012 12:57

I would guess that your Mum does not understand the process well...and thought she was being supportive. She will have been shocked to realise that it wasn't ok to say those things.

EuroShagmore · 13/12/2012 13:59

You really need to try to talk to your mum again for your sister's sake. Assisted conception is terribly tough mentally. SHe really doesn't need this added pressure.

And as somebody else said, what does she think will happen to her "spare grandchildren" when this process is over?

ceeveebee · 13/12/2012 14:01

Having been through this twice myself, I would be very very upset if anyone called me to ask for updates at all, never mind referring to them as potential grandchildren. She should be told to stop calling, and your Dsis can update people if and when she wants to.

dahlialover · 13/12/2012 14:12

My mother used to be like that. Hopefully, she has taken it out on you and will then take what you say on board (if she is like mine - it very difficult to cope with at times and seems so unnecessary).

Also, has your sister got any info from the clinic about the statistics and what is involved? It may help if she has this to read so she can work out a more realistic approach to supporting your sister.

DeckTheHallsWithBartimaeus · 13/12/2012 14:30

The best slant I can give it is that your mum thinks she's being supportive. Obviously this is not the case!

Does your mum know anything about the IVF process? Has anyone explained it to her, the waiting, the % success rates etc?

Agree that your Dsis is very lucky to have you in her corner.

for you both

Original poster

stormforce10 · 13/12/2012 15:51

thank you all. I've spoken to mum again and was very. blunt with her and shes calmed down. I've explained how low chances of success are. she said sister did tell her but assumed d sis was playing down her chances just in case. she's agreed to stop ringing and just to send a good luck text tomorrow and not to refer to grand child again until and if sister is 12 weeks pregnant

OP posts:

omaoma · 13/12/2012 15:54

well done storm. lots of hugs and hope for your sister, hope it goes well

Schmoozer · 13/12/2012 16:22

Well done storm force.
As a fellow ivf mum, i totally get how upsetting that is to your sis,
I really hope it works for her xx

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