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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To do this behind ex p back???

54 replies

piglettsmummy · 12/12/2012 09:18

While we were together ex mil put pressure on exp and his sisters to disown there dad in september 2010. He never paid maintenance so can understand her frustration. As a consequence of this he has never met dd and only had one photo of her from beig a few weeks old that we sent him. After me and exp split I felt guilty about him not seeing dd and with all the complex issues she has I was worried something would happen and he wouldn't meet her. So I got in contact.
We've been in contact via email for a few months and he's just sent her some presents down for Xmas. Exp nor any of his family no that we are in touch. I hope to introduce dd to her Dgd in the new year. Now I no that exp didt want anything to do with him but I feel slightly guilty that I'm doing It behind his back. If his famiy ever found out my life would be made a living hell. Aibu to e doing this in the first place behind ex p??

OP posts:

RedHelenB · 12/12/2012 09:23

I do think yabu yes. His side of the family, let him delal with it.

ivanapoo · 12/12/2012 09:24

YABU to keep it secret, this is bound to come out eventually so you should probably come clean now.

why did you think it was important for this man to be in your dd's life out of interest...?

NervousAt20 · 12/12/2012 09:27

Hmm I'm not sure. Are you sure there are no other deep rooted reasons why your ex doesn't see him? I do think its abit extreme for the whole family to cut him off for that and a shame for him and your DD to miss out on a relationship together but they will find out eventually, what about f your Dd tells then? It's not fair to ask a child to keep secrets ect so it will come out and you'll get alot of earache then

IceNoSlice · 12/12/2012 09:27

I think YABU, sorry. It's his father, so your XP should have been involved in this decision.

NoTeaForMe · 12/12/2012 09:28

I think YABVVU, the fact that you are doing it behind your exp's back means you know you are doing wrong. It's his family and up to him if his father has a relationship with his daughter or not.

Original poster

piglettsmummy · 12/12/2012 09:30

I just feel that everyone has the right to see their family even if they Hve fallen out with other family.
He made a hue mistake as a da but I want to give him the chance to be a grandad because Now otherwise he will never meet any of his grandchildren.

OP posts:

Original poster

piglettsmummy · 12/12/2012 09:31

But the thing is he has nothing to do with him anyway. I keep it secret simply because I no what his other family are like. Otherwise I wouldnt care.

OP posts:

complexnumber · 12/12/2012 09:33

'Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practise to deceive'

(Possibly a tad pretentious, but quite fitting)

Original poster

piglettsmummy · 12/12/2012 09:34

nerverousat20 it's simply that. I was with exp while he and his dad spoke but also when his mum demanded that their either disown him or she'll disown them. I don't think I would have thought about it but with all of dd's problems I would never have forgive myself if anything happened to her and he hadn't met her x

OP posts:

allnewtaketwo · 12/12/2012 09:35

You don't actually know the full reasons why they cut off contact from him though, do you. It literally could be anything.

NoTeaForMe · 12/12/2012 09:38

I agree for a simple misunderstanding it's huge and ridiculous to cut off a family member, but you don't know for certain what happened, so you're not really in a position to decide. You should have encouraged your husband to have a relationship with his dad, if you did that and he still didn't want one then maybe there's more to it than the simple bits you know?!

Original poster

piglettsmummy · 12/12/2012 09:39

I do no why his mum told me! That family were like a bloody mafia so of you were in it you knew everything! I heard all the stories about him but it was simply something so spite beCause ex mil said to exp's dad "ether bring 25 quid down next time you come to see him or you can forget it" he never turned up and later that week she made all of them phone him up to say they didn't want to see him. Earlier this year he tried I contact exp and exp told him that he couldn't talk I him otherwise his mum would disown him!

OP posts:

diddl · 12/12/2012 09:40

I would say it depends on the reasons he was cut out tbh.

"It's his family and up to him if his father has a relationship with his daughter or not."

Really??

Can´t OP let her daughter see who she wants-as much as the X can??

NoTeaForMe · 12/12/2012 09:41

Have you ever discussed his dad having a relationship with your daughter?

Original poster

piglettsmummy · 12/12/2012 09:41

Despite all of that i still think he has a right to see his granddaughter. I do wish I had told ex p at the beginning but like I said that family would make my life not worth living!

OP posts:

Original poster

piglettsmummy · 12/12/2012 09:44

noteaforme no it was never brought up at the time I thought it was a good idea to knock ex ps dad into shape I thought not seeing his kids would change him. It has but his kids don't wana no him. In my mind I try and justify it by saying he's messed up as a dad but he should sill have the chance to be a grandad he isn't ever guna harm dd or out her in danger x

OP posts:

LtXmasEve · 12/12/2012 09:47

Hmm, I'm maybe coming at this from a different angle, but surely piglettsmummy is allowed to be 'friends' with whoever she wants related or not?

She is no relation to the father/grandfather in this case, so why is it anyone else's business who she chooses to see in her spare time?

Does the Mother/MIL stop anyone being friends with her ex husband? She is not related to the OP, so why does she have a say in the matter - in fact, even if they were related, she still wouldn't have a say in the matter. I assume the OP is an adult, so therefore can spend time with whomsoever she chooses.

OP, I don't think YABU in wanting to see this man. I do thing YABU to keep it a secret. Be honest - "ExP, you may not wish to have anything to do with MrX, but you cannot ask the same of me"

Original poster

piglettsmummy · 12/12/2012 09:52

Thankyouu someone who sees it my way! Ano it is not right keeping it secret, think that's where my guilt comes from

OP posts:

Rindercella · 12/12/2012 09:53

I think YABextremelyU.

There could be 1000 different reasons your exp's father was excluded from his family. You could potentially be putting both yourself and your child at risk.

I would question your motives in getting in contact with this man. How is your relationship with your ex and the rest of his family (particularly his mother)?

SantaIAmSoFuckingRock · 12/12/2012 09:55

your daughter will tell them one day. be prepared for it to come out.

but i personally think you shoudl be able to decide who sees her. i'm guessing you take the same precautions with him whilst he's with your DD as you would with someone else you dont know that well.

Rindercella · 12/12/2012 09:56

The OP's ex MIL is related though. She is related through her grandchild. Anyway, regardless of relations, it is extremely dodgy ground you're treading on here piglet. Do you want your exP and his mother to disown you too?

LaCiccolina · 12/12/2012 09:58

I think this is perfectly reasonable. Ur the dds mother. Dd sees whomever u want her to while she lives with u. It's reasonable for xp to choose whether he does or if dd does whilst in his care but in urs, it's ur rules.

Families cut people off for all sorts of very banal reasons. Very unlikely he's something dangerous and if he was its still ur call!

I think it's an admirable thing u r trying to do. Good luck.

LtXmasEve · 12/12/2012 09:58

There could be 1000 different reasons your exp's father was excluded from his family. You could potentially be putting both yourself and your child at risk

But that is the OPs risk to take - and similarly there could be no reason at all that he was excluded, other than his ex wife being a nasty vindictive bitch who wants to cause her ex husband pain.

That is why it should be the OPs decision.

Put it another way. If OPs ExPartner started a relationship with someone that the OP didn't like (say someone that bullied her at school for eg) would OP be within her rights to demand her ExPartner ends the relationship? Would she be within her rights to say that he could never introduce their child to the woman? No, she wouldn't, because what he does with his child during a contact period is up to him, just as what OP does with her child during her contact period is up to her.

Original poster

piglettsmummy · 12/12/2012 09:58

She's not at risk please read my posts!!!! Mil explained everything to me before me and exp split! There is absolutely no risk at all! Ex mil hates me up to the point were as not only ignored me when walking past me the the other day she ignored dd to!! Who was very upset!. Dd's grandad basically swandered all his money and she hated that he is a tax dodger works for cash in hand etc he'd never paid maintenance before and she was fed up of footing the bill for the kids uniforms etc. so gave him that ultimatum. No one expected him not to turn up so she stood over the kids including exp while they told him
They couldn't see him anymore!! Ex Mil even rips up cards from him to his kids!

OP posts:

NoTeaForMe · 12/12/2012 09:59

LtXmasEve I agree the OP can be friends with whoever she wants, of course she can, but that's not what she's doing here is it?! She's particularly found this man so he can have a relationship with her daughter, its not about the OP at all it's about her daughter and her Grandfather. That's why it's different!

I think the fact that you've done it behind your Expa back and the fact that you feel guilty about it speaks volumes.

What's your relationship with your exp like? Could you broach it with him? Could you ask him if you could start this? Would he see it as a nice thing or that you've been sneaky? I fear the latter?!

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