Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To do this behind ex p back???

54 replies

piglettsmummy · 12/12/2012 09:18

While we were together ex mil put pressure on exp and his sisters to disown there dad in september 2010. He never paid maintenance so can understand her frustration. As a consequence of this he has never met dd and only had one photo of her from beig a few weeks old that we sent him. After me and exp split I felt guilty about him not seeing dd and with all the complex issues she has I was worried something would happen and he wouldn't meet her. So I got in contact.
We've been in contact via email for a few months and he's just sent her some presents down for Xmas. Exp nor any of his family no that we are in touch. I hope to introduce dd to her Dgd in the new year. Now I no that exp didt want anything to do with him but I feel slightly guilty that I'm doing It behind his back. If his famiy ever found out my life would be made a living hell. Aibu to e doing this in the first place behind ex p??

OP posts:
Rindercella · 12/12/2012 10:01

Imagine this as an OP...

Please help. I don't know what to do. My grown up DS has recently split from his partner they have a young DD together. I thought everything was okay until I found out that my exDIL has introduced my exH to my DGD. I am beside myself with fear and panic and just wondering why she would do this? My exH beat and raped me. He beat my children. He refused to pay a penny for them after I managed to escape. I have cut him out of our lives totally. And now, 10 years later I have found that DS's ex sought him out and he now sees DGD regularly. I am terrified he will do something to my beloved GD. AIBU? What should I do? I feel powerless and terrified. Sad

Original poster
piglettsmummy · 12/12/2012 10:02

ltxmaseve that's exactly how we do it, while one has dd we can't stipulate what that person does with her 'within reason' as long as if we enquire if we want to no. Like sometimes I ask where they've been for the day. And in all fairness exp introduced dd to new girlfriend for Nero find out via fb! Hmm again his choice do really I should be allowed to introduce her to people I want to x

OP posts:
quoteunquote · 12/12/2012 10:04

I always think the more people who love and support your children the better,

I have a friend who a few years after splitting with her DH, Had moved because of work to another county, bumped into the MiL that she had never met in her ten year marriage, they were on a samaritans course together,Mil was teaching, and got chatting, realised they were related, went into shock, took the next stage slowly,

MiL had been pushed out family by her MiL, when she suffered terrible PND after the death of prem twins, her husband never allowed her to see her other children, they were told she abandoned them, father re married and step mum never bonded with children, so their childhood was difficult.

she a massive part of my friend's family life much to the annoyance of her exH, the children love their grandma, who is enjoying family life for first time,she has made a massive difference to friend's life who mum died years ago, and father lives on the other side of planet,

there is always two sides to every story, and somewhere in the middle is the truth,

it's never fair for the next generation to miss out because of something that happened to others.

Rindercella · 12/12/2012 10:04

Ducking out now. You ask if yabu OP, most posters say you are and then you only listen to the one or two who agree with you.

Too tired and can't be arsed to continue.

Original poster
piglettsmummy · 12/12/2012 10:07

rindercella are you for real??? Mil has never been beaten or raped by her ex husband! Infact she told us she used to clobber him when he came in pissed outa his brains Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
piglettsmummy · 12/12/2012 10:08

Yes fair enough inside ask but suggesting that my daughter could be seeing a rapist/ woman beater is out of
Order! I have met him on several occassions he's a lovely man

OP posts:
RedHelenB · 12/12/2012 10:12

Bit confused as to why you want this waste of space that couldn't be arsed to support your ex in your daughter's life, other than to cause friction!!!

Original poster
piglettsmummy · 12/12/2012 10:14

If it was to cause friction I would tell exp, be has a right to be a grandad even if he screwed up his kids

OP posts:
Original poster
piglettsmummy · 12/12/2012 10:15

I shouldn't have posted here anyway I have just received cards/ presents/ photos for dd from her grandad, it takes the guilt away as to
Why I'm doing it.
Thanks for all your replies anyway both sides Smile

OP posts:
LtXmasEve · 12/12/2012 10:19

Smile. Best of luck OP.

SantaIAmSoFuckingRock · 12/12/2012 10:19

" I am beside myself with fear and panic and just wondering why she would do this? My exH beat and raped me. He beat my children."

try sticking to the facts we know eh rindercella?

NoTeaForMe · 12/12/2012 10:21

Why did you post here if you didn't want opinions?

Original poster
piglettsmummy · 12/12/2012 10:24

Because I wanted to see of I was in the wrong I don't mind opinions??? I may disagree as many others would

OP posts:
RedHelenB · 12/12/2012 11:28

He doesn't have the right to be a Grandad no. But as long as your daughter has cards & presents off him this year that's all that matters!!!

diddl · 12/12/2012 12:32

He doesn´t have a right to be a GD-but if OP wants to let him be one-why not?

Lia87 · 12/12/2012 12:43

You are not being unreasonable in the slightest. Its your daughters right to be allowed to know her grandad. Just as its her right to know her dad.

I'm sure there would be very different replies if this was a child not being allowed to see its dad because of a past lack of effort/money.

People need to remember access is about the child's needs not surrounding adults preferences. What if fil didn't want mil to see dd? Would it still be so reasonable? For all we know she turned her son against his dad because of bitterness or a bad breakup

Its your child op, and your job to choose what you believe is best for her. If keeping it quiet is going to cause less stress then by all means do, just bear in mind at some point it will come out when dd is speaking. Though hopefully by then you'll be able to show he's a good granddad.

I wouldn't leave her alone with him personally though, sure you weren't intending to yet, but bear in mind he's effectively still a stranger despite being her grandad.

Fakebook · 12/12/2012 12:50

How do you KNOW (hint hint) what kind of person he is just by meeting him once or twice? How do you KNOW (hint hint) he is safe to be around when you have never met him or grew up with him?
When you don't KNOW (hint hint) these things then yabvu to have contact with him when he isn't even your relative! Don't you have your own family? I'd be really pissed off if someone did this to me.

Lia87 · 12/12/2012 13:05

fakebook by that logic you shouldn't let a child go to nursery, see their dad unless the mums been in a relationship with him for many years, go over to friends houses unless the mums known their parents for years. You dont KNOW any of these people are perfect to be around a child. She's not leaving her dd alone with him i'm assuming so i fail to see the danger he poses to her? It appears all he's done is not pay enough to his children.

iwantanafternoonnap · 12/12/2012 13:13

YANBU my DS has a lovely relationship with his DGD despite ex cutting him out of his life. It is your child's right to see their family and should not be dictated my an ex MIL.

Personally I find ex dad and his new family an awful lot nicer than ex's mother and family.

Let your DD enjoy her grandad.

Fakebook · 12/12/2012 13:24

Lia, that is op's side of the story. She doesn't know this man and its her ex dp's responsibility to introduce his child to him. She is having contact with someone her ex dp did not have a relationship with. Why has she taken it upon herself to gain contact? She should have discussed it with her ex partner. This could have been a nice way for father and son to make friends, but this secrecy will cause more anger and resentmen.t

Pandemoniaa · 12/12/2012 13:51

Your ex's family seem so far removed from functional that I think you were probably unwise to keep in contact secretly. It's not that you can't see whoever you want but I suspect that the grief you are likely to get makes the whole situation worth avoiding.

diddl · 12/12/2012 14:25

"its her ex dp's responsibility to introduce his child to him."

Well as he doesn´t see his dad, that´s not likely to happen, is it?

OP-what will your ex´s family do?

It could be more trouble than it´s worth for you & your daughter.

What about your parents?

LaurieBlueBell · 12/12/2012 14:27

I don't think you are being U at all to want your dd to have a relationship with her grandfather. Why should she suffer because of what has happened between others.
I do think you should explain to your ex dh and family that your dd has a right to know him. Secrets always come out and I think honesty is the best policy here.

diddl · 12/12/2012 14:33

Well I think that the OP is up shit creek either way by the sounds of things.

If they find out after the fact, or if it is presented as recent or something OP is about to do.

CatchingMockingbirds · 12/12/2012 14:38

You're not going to take my opinion into consideration because im not agreeing with you so i'll keep it short - You are being completely unreasonable.