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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I wasn't in the wrong here?!

178 replies

PenguinBear · 11/12/2012 18:49

We sometimes have the little children over the road to play while their mum does the shopping/ has a rest etc. I know she is using me as free child care as DP loves to remind me but my dc love her children so I don't mind having them. This has been going on a couple of years now but they are no bother so it's all good. Their father works from home but I usually only see their mum.

She is currently pregnant and wanted to go with her DH to buy some baby stuff at the weekend so asked if we could have the children for the day.

I foolishly said yes and we had them for about 8 hours (much longer than expected). I tried to ring but they were 'stuck' in London. Hmm
We ended up all going out for dinner in the evening so took them with us, dropped them home, all was well so I thought.

One of them left some bits at our house so I have just dropped them over and her DH answered the door and proceeded to tell me off for letting his children have ice-cream. I felt like saying well come back when you said you would. They never told me not to let them have ice-cream and it was only a small child's portion after their pizza dinner at a local Italian.
AIBU to be annoyed? I did them a favour imo and feel like I won't bother next time which is a shame as the children are lovely.

Sorry for the long post, thanks if you got to the end!

OP posts:
exexpat · 11/12/2012 21:03

Where's the 'like' button for PacificDogwood's post?

WheelieBinRebel · 11/12/2012 21:03

Sorry also meant to add YANBU!

weeblueberry · 11/12/2012 21:04

Course you're not being unreasonable. My response would have been along the lines of 'had I known I'd been providing them dinner I'd have asked about what they were and weren't allowed...'

He's got a bloody pair of brass ones to complain about something like that after you had his kids all day...silly man.

whatsforyou · 11/12/2012 21:04

But will it bother you not to say something OP?

See I'm a brooder and it would go round and round in my head as I thought of all the incredibly witty things I could have shut him up with but which would never have occurred to me at the time.

I don't like confrontation either but I don't think it has to be overly confrontational. You could even say to the Mum, 'Sorry for the mix up the other day, did you tell me DC had an allergy to ice cream? It must be quite serious for your DH to react like that, he must have got quite a fright'

I would need to say something to see what her reaction is going to be, you will be able to tell if he is a bully, a bit of an arse or if he was just having a bad day and you unfairly got the brunt.

If you can just forget it and move on then fair play to you but I know I would be up at nights stressing over things I had left unsaid!

ChippingInAWinterWonderland · 11/12/2012 21:07

I would speak to the Mum, tell her that you were unaware her DC weren't allowed ice cream... see what she says. The poor woman might really need a friend to talk to.

Poor kids - imagine having that twat for your Dad?

Poor poor Au Pair!!!

Wine for you and your lovely DH

MrsMangoBiscuit · 11/12/2012 21:09

Flipping heck, what a rude, rude man! If you'd looked after mine for 8 hours and taken her out for a meal and an ice cream you'd have been given flowers, or chocolates, not a telling off.

PacificDogwood · 11/12/2012 21:13

weeblueberry, that's perfect; nice, but also nicely getting the point across Grin

exexpat, I live in a house with 5 males - every single of their interactions is a pissing contest

DontmindifIdo · 11/12/2012 21:19

I would say something now. She needs to know he's offended you. Especially if htey have an au pair starting and not needing to abuse your good nature get free childcare from you again (see, even the nice version makes them sound like cocks).

If your scared to do it face to face, do you have her mobile number? You could send her a text tonight, there's others on here who'll be good at helping you write a good one.

Mind you, they sound like users, people like this never quite realise how much they are taking the piss. i wouldn't be surprised now they have someone paid to do this, you won't hear much from them.

Rudolphstolemycarrots · 11/12/2012 21:24

can you joke with the wife about how shocked you were being told off!

fenix · 11/12/2012 21:29

He's a git, and the favours need to stop.

However, your reaction was incredible. Instead of righteously telling him off for his utter disrespect and ungratefulness, you took his ranting and went off to cry.

You are clearly a nice, generous woman, but can you see how you might need to work on being more assertive? Otherwise plenty more similar situations await, as a lot of people have no shame and are more than willing to take advantage when they feel someone is being a doormat.

Loislane78 · 11/12/2012 21:34

You sound like a lovely neighbour :) I thought you were going to see they didn't give you money for their child's dinner. YANBU - they are - cheeky sharksters!!!!

Loislane78 · 11/12/2012 21:35

*say

maddening · 11/12/2012 21:37

And I can't believe that they didn't pay for their dcs' dinner as well as not giving you copious amounts of wine! Cheeky bastards!

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 11/12/2012 21:46

The other problem with not saying anything is that your DC "love her children" and it does sound like they are fond of each other! I wouldn't want to deprive their children or my own from a nice neighbourly friendship just because their dad happens to be a fuckwit.

Are your DC's a similar age?

myfirstkitchen · 11/12/2012 21:48

What a tosser.

So you were meant to have his children watching yours eat ice cream and have none? Or your children have none because you don't have in writing that his can have some sodding ice cream?

Or maybe he should of paid for childcare and left instructions!

TheCraicDealer · 11/12/2012 22:02

Jesus, you let them have some ice cream, not start a meth lab in the garage!

Please don't let this lie- there is an army of mumsnetters who want to see this man drown in a vat of ice cream. Metaphorically of course, the vat of ice cream actually being you telling him to fuck off and get a train timetable next time he goes to the capital.

Original poster
PenguinBear · 11/12/2012 22:15

I could possibly send a text to her, might not be as bad as doing it face-face.

Anyone got any suggestions? Do I start off 'how are you?'... Should I apologise for ice cream and say 'really sorry about the ice-cream, I didn't know know x and y were not allowed it' or something else!?

OP posts:
Floggingmolly · 11/12/2012 22:16

The kids don't have allergies, or the parents would be criminally negligent to leave them for 8 hours without making their carer aware.
The guy sounds like he has a personality disorder.

Smellslikecatspee · 11/12/2012 22:18

I'm asking nicely here, but why are people saying tell his wife etc. he is the one who was rude, if he works from home he must be aware how often you've helped before.

it sounds as though he needs to made aware that his actions have consequences.

And more to the point why the fuck does she need you if he's at home. Before anyone jumps on me I work from home regularly, I know WFH doesn't men doing nothing,but why can they arrange her being out while he takes his lunch break?

Though to be honest I think I feel a little sorry for his wife. And God help the Au pair.

SageStuffingYourOrifice · 11/12/2012 22:27

I was tutting and muttering under my breath just there as I read the OP.

DH: "What's happening on mumsnet?" So I told him the gist of the thread. He said, of the dad, "What. A. Wanker." My sentiments exactly!

Complete wankbadger. YASoooooNBU!

breatheslowly · 11/12/2012 22:39

No apologising! Unless combined with some very clear passive aggressive message. Otherwise it just sounds like you are apologising and you have nothing to apologise for.

FrequentFlyerRandomDent · 11/12/2012 22:39

Please do not apologise in your text. They should be thanking you. How cheeky. At 65 he should know his manners. I dread to think how he treats her.

Leave it for whenever you see her and feel strong / detached enough.

Texts like emails do not carry tone of voice.

maddening · 11/12/2012 22:40

Smellslike - I think to contact the wife as she is the one who has the arrangement with op - op had not really seen much of the husband.

GoldQuintessenceAndMyhrr · 11/12/2012 22:44

Dont apologize for the ice cream, you did not do anything wrong! Not like it was vodka Ice you gave them!

maddening · 11/12/2012 22:45

Something else - not an apology - you are explaining that her dh has upset you and why and you feel that an apology or at least acceptance that he was wrong to "tell you off" - how you want to deal with childcare going forward is another matter and isn't necessary if you don't want to cover that just yet. You can phrase it so it doesn't come across too confrontational.