To say no because of the baby?

[Tallgiraffe]

First question in AIBU so don't flame me too badly if I am BU

A colleague of DH has invited us round for an evening dinner party. DH said he would have to check with me but didn't think it would be possible, we talked about it and decided that taking our 10wo baby was a really bad plan for a number of reasons. Mainly, his reflux is worst in the evenings so we normally spend hours cluster feeding/ mopping up vomit/ jiggling round the room. I can't remember an evening in our own house when we both sat down for a whole evening meal together for weeks. On Saturday we tried doing his evening routine earlier and going out, only for my boobs to leak horribly and we had to leave after the main course awful awful evening but there's a whole other thread about that Secondly, the only other guests we know for certain are invited made it very clear when I was pregnant that they can't cope with BF, so I'd blatantly spend most of the night hiding away in another room. Lastly, the last meal we went to at their house started at 7, with no sign of a starter until 9.30 and we didn't leave until after 1, right now I don't get enough sleep to cope with that.

So we left a voicemail saying that we didn't think DS or I could attend but DH could go by himself. This morning we get a text saying that they've been planning this meal for weeks, in honour of DS (despite only telling us about it at the weekend and it's this week) and they want to welcome him to their house and how if we can't go they will have to cancel etc etc.

I haven't been hiding away being a hermit since he was born, we've been to a wedding and a funeral (both 5 hours drive away), had umpteen overnight guests and am usually out and about. So, AIBU to think that if I say we can't do something because of our baby that should be accepted?

They should accept that if you've said you can't attend due to DS, then that's that! Could they do the meal earlier, maybe as a lunch, so you can be at home in the evening?

Could you just go over with the baby for pre-dinner drinks/snacks and leave once the baby gets too fussy/tired?

As for the other people's BF issues that is really their problem.

I think they should accept that you don't want to go but if it is important to them and you don't want to upset them maybe there are other options.

Of course YANBU. Are these people without children? That's the only reason I can think of that would cause this attitude, having a child changes things.

I would probably just say 'oh of course we can come then if that's the case' then turn up with every piece of portable baby equipment possible (bouncer, play gym, entire stack of nappies etc) and pile it in their house. Then, when DS got hungry, I'd sit at the table and BF really obviously, not even trying to hide the boob or anything.

But then, I am unreasonable

Why are people so ODD? It can't possibly be true that they've been planning a dinner party for weeks in honour of your baby. Why would they say that?

Just tell them it's not possible, your ds will spend the whole evening feeding, crying and puking. Suggest getting together for a weekend lunch instead. If they want to cancel, let them.

I would just tell them that evenings are really a no-go at the moment and could they make it a lunch instead? If they don't want to then they can do without your company.

they want to welcome him to their house and how if we can't go they will have to cancel etc etc.

This is a colleague yes? They seem weird about wanting to welcome your DS? It's a nice thought etc, but cancelling if DS isn't coming seems a tad extreme?

I thought YANBU at the point I read 10 week old baby but I did read the reat.

I take it they don't have children?

There are many reasons why this is not unreasonable of you, but generally I find if you are having to explain yourself to much above my ten week old baby is unsettled, they aren't going to get it until they are in your position, so it's not even worth trying.

"Sorry, we can't make it, but it very kind of you to extend ther invitation. We'd love to attend at a later date, when babygiraffe is more settled. We'll let you know how it's going. Thanks again though, we appreciate the thought."

As a final thought, if you do go, you will look back in a year or two and ask yourself why you did!

Firstly, if they have been planning it for weeks and are getting arsey then it is their own fault for not giving you enough notice.

Secondly, the friends who has issues with BF are not your problem. Feeding your baby isnt something to be hidden away and if they dont like it then they can leave the room, dont ever be shooed out by people who are fucking ridiculous about feeding a baby with a breast but are not offended by a naked woman getting them out on page three!

Lastly, YANBU to not go.

You wouldnt be able to enjoy the meal, you will be up and down all night, it will be too late for you and the baby will probably be even more unsettled because you will be stressed out. Say that you are sorry that they feel that way but that your babys health must come first. Perhaps mention the copious amounts of vomit he produces!

Thank you all, glad I'm not the only one to think this is weird! They have grown up children, so I suspect they have forgotten what it's like when they're so small. Or she had super easy babies that loved dinner parties

I like the idea of suggesting a lunch at a later date, will see how that goes down. And during the day I will be feeling much stronger to be stubborn about the BF with the other people too!

Who on earth plans an evening event in honour of a 10 week old baby? surely one would assume that the baby, and mummy, might like to sleep?

Screw the people who are uncomfortable about breastfeeding, that is their problem not yours and they can go hide in the other room with a pashmina on their head! I'd bf at the table, why can't your DS eat at the table with everyone else!

Explain fully why an evening even won't work, tell them you are very flattered, and you'd love to do lunch with them another time so they can meet DS. Or ask them to bring the dinner forward and let them know you will have to leave at 8.30 on the dot.

If they're planning this in your DC's honour it might have been nice if they had consulted you about whether it was going to be convenient ...

YADNBU

Oh dear - they don't have kids do they?!

And are u sure the husbands passed the message on when they were supposed to?

It's a sweet idea but you need to explain how exhausted you are. Can they make it a day time thing?

I agree with the person who says don't force yourself to go.

YADNBU, they are weird.

If they want to do something to welcome the baby, suggest doing it a bit earlier, or during the day at the weekend. And other people who have issues with BFinf shouldn't really be at an event centred round a new baby.

Very very odd people, the lot of them.

Have never heard of anyone not being able to cope with bf, what is that about?? Not as if you were asking them to bf your baby!
There is a small window when babies are truly portable, even in the evenings. Once they start to distinguish day and night I've found evenings become rubbish. YANBU.

Oh God you are DEFINITELY not being U. Couldn't have imagined going to a dinner party with fussing, crying, vomiting baby, no dinner til 9 AND being made to feel uncomfortable about BF when DD was 10 weeks old! Can't see that you would get any enjoyment from the evening whatsoever!! Also, accordinng to your post DH said from the beginning that he didn't think it would be possible so don't understand why they are getting all miffed about it.

Don't worry about what they or anyone else thinks. Just don't go!

YANBU at all, just text back and say it was a lovely invite, but he's still too little and unsettled for an evening out. Maybe you could go for lunch instead.

To be fair to them there are babies in existence who are quite laid back and for those parents, the baby stage is the best time to socialise, as you can take the baby out and it will sleep happily in the carry cot while the adults all have a lovely time.

We have known a couple of babies like this (I was one myself), and before we had children DH used to look on fondly and imagine us at the pub/restaurant/friend's house having a wonderful life with our angelic new arrival.

Ha ha ha!

Of course, our babies never slept, screamed a lot and fed constantly in the evenings, so that I was glued to the sofa with cups of tea and pints of water to try to make up the shortfall.

Mind you, a work collegue organising an evening to "honour" your baby is very strange, particularly as they didn't seem to consider that they would have to let you in on their extensive planning.

Of course, our babies never slept, screamed a lot and fed constantly in the evenings, so that I was glued to the sofa with cups of tea and pints of water

I am LOL (am I allowed to use textspeak on mumsnet or will people get cross with me??) with complete recognition at MrsTittleMouse's post!

Lunch at a later date sounds like a much better compromise.

It just sounds like they're disappointed and were hoping to change your mind - lots of 10 week old babies are no bother in the evenings and are easy to take to a dinner party - perhaphs they've been fortunate enough not to have had /known one with reflux (also, a lot of people don't 'get' reflux and think it just means a bit burpy and a tiddly bit sick - if only!!). Just accept they have no idea of what your reality is right now. Suggest a lunch after Christmas.

Ignore all the 'It's in honour of your DS' bollocks' - if that's the case then you sort it out to suit the parents with plenty of notice, not last minute at a time that doesn't suit the parents - barking bat.

If they don't want to have their other friends over to dinner anyway, that's their problem!! Serves the anti breast feeding people right really - cheeky fuckers.

Ihaverunout LOL is almost acceptable, other text speak definitely not!

Nice of you to ask though

Weird!

Who in their right mind has an evening dinner party to honour a baby?

How odd.

Thank them (again) for the offer, but that DS is struggling with reflux right now, so it's probably not the easiest time, as the evenings are worse. How about X day for lunch?

And do not be banished to another room for breastfeeding. If the other people have an issue with your DS eating, they can leave.

They sound very very weird, tbh.

They do sound rather odd. I don't have children but I have friends who do and would always be considerate to their needs. I wouldn't expect them to bring a baby to a dinner party which would go on late and then sulk if they said no. I can't believe they are being so inconsiderate.

They ABU, and passive aggressive to boot.

I'd suggest a reply along the lines of "DC is suffering from reflux at the moment, which is significantly worse in the evenings and, trust me, is totally incompatible with going out. We are really honoured that you want to welcome our baby and hope we can make a workable plan soon".

I think it's strange invitiation and reaction, tbh. Why plan an evening dinner party to welcome a new baby? That's such an adult thing to do - and not something I would take for granted that new parents would enjoy anyway.

I know what you mean about the fussy crying/feeding/sicky evenings. Mine really weren't compatible with dinner parties.

And don't get me started on them 'not coping? with bf-ing. If they find the idea so awful, they shouldn't invite you at all for their sake and yours.