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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to go / not to go to this wedding

21 replies

Misspearshaped · 11/12/2012 09:22

Been invited to a wedding. The bride and groom are friends of friends, rather than really my friends. I only ever see them when our mutual friends have a party etc.

I would not invite them round for dinner with myself and DP and if/when DP and I tie the knot I doubt they would be on my guest list (although I would like a smaller more intimate wedding).

On this basis, should I accept or decline their invitation?

OP posts:

chrismissymoomoomee · 11/12/2012 09:23

Do you want to go?

Original poster

Misspearshaped · 11/12/2012 09:29

I'm not that bothered either way.
It's local, so it won't cost us a fortune in hotel and travel or anything.
A lot of other people I know will be there, and I think it will be good fun.

But is it bad form to go to someone's wedding, knowing that they would not be invited to yours?!

OP posts:

chrismissymoomoomee · 11/12/2012 09:32

I wouldn't be offended, I invited people to my wedding because I wanted them to be there not so they would reciprocate.

If you are having an evening do then invite them to that, I'm sure they will know you are having a small wedding and will understand.

pictish · 11/12/2012 09:32

I would go.

kdiddy · 11/12/2012 09:33

No it's not bad form - you'd be having a totally different kind of wedding. We only invited 17 people to ours but have been to lots of our friends' weddings. Tbh I'd only refuse if I had other plans, or logistically couldn't make it work.

Dead69Girl · 11/12/2012 09:34

i would go as i like weddings,

but if your not close then dont go

squeakytoy · 11/12/2012 09:42

Considering the other 3 threads you have started along the same lines about your friends, I am not sure that you should go really as you dont seem to want to socialise with them anymore anyway.

But can I just say, if you go down the path of distancing yourself from all your friends, eventually they will stop bothering to invite you to things, and you might just find yourself craving the social life you seem to be so bored of at the moment.

Original poster

Misspearshaped · 11/12/2012 10:13

Squeaky this is a separate issue to my threads about feeling like I don't have much in common with certain of my friends anymore and being fed up with certain of my friends drinking all the time. And I have not said that I intend to "distance" myself from my friends, just simply that I wish to expand my friendship group to include some people who I actually have something in common with now I am in my 30s and no longer what to spend all my time and money on JagerBombs.

This thread is about whether it is bad form to attend the wedding of someone who I don't really regard as a friend (more of an acquaintance) and who I know I would not invite to my own wedding, and whether there is any etiquette for these situations.

OP posts:

dreamingofsun · 11/12/2012 10:17

not sure on the formal etiquette but i think if you take something from someone then you should be prepared to repay that favour by reciprocating. so if the weddings were pretty close together and of the same sort of level of invites i would decline, unless i was prepared to repay the favour. i would think it rude not to.

if its just the evening do you have been invited to then costs are minimal anyway, so less of an issue

squeakytoy · 11/12/2012 10:17

Well it isnt bad form to attend a wedding that you have been invited to. They chose to invite you. We invited people to ours because we wanted them there, not because we expected a reciprocal invitation to theirs.

TheCraicDealer · 11/12/2012 10:19

Have you seen the menu for the meal?

Frankly this is what it would boil down to for me.

DonkeysInTheStableAtMidnight · 11/12/2012 10:20

I think people understand wedding guest list making is fraught with number of guests vs budget, ie it's understandable if family takes precedence over friends, friends take precedence over colleagues etc. So if you accept their invitation but later can't (or don't want to) reciprocate, it could easily be genuinely because of budget or venue restrictions. Take a decent present and it won't look bad.

dreamingofsun · 11/12/2012 10:24

guess this all comes down to the individual then. i would feel bad if i didn't reciprocate.

Ephiny · 11/12/2012 10:29

I don't see how it can be 'bad form' to attend if you've been invited. Presumably the invitation wasn't conditional on them being invited to your hypothetical wedding? . I think you're over-thinking it tbh. Just go if you want to, politely decline if you don't.

SugaricePlumFairy · 11/12/2012 10:29

If I had invited a couple to my wedding then they didn't reciprocate the invitation I would feel a little miffed if I'm honest.

What does your dp think or is he saying that it's your decision whether or not you go?

SugaricePlumFairy · 11/12/2012 10:31

I meant to say assuming you choose to go to the wedding that is

Pandemoniaa · 11/12/2012 10:32

You don't have to be reciprocal in these circumstances. After all, what about all those guests who are already married? Are they supposed to repeat the experience?

It'd be rather different if you'd been invited to dinner but I don't think any rational person would send out an invitation to their wedding with any expectation of it being reciprocated. So make your decision on other factors.

Original poster

Misspearshaped · 11/12/2012 11:01

DP has never met the bride or groom to be, despite the fact that DP and I have been together a year and a half and we all live in the same city. That's how not close friends we are.

Come to think of it, I have only seen them once for ten minutes this year.....

OP posts:

TheCraicDealer · 11/12/2012 11:06

You're over-thinking it. On the basis that you've seen them once, for ten minutes, this year what's the worst that will happen if you don't go and don't ask them to your do?

If you don't fancy it or can't be arsed just don't go. If you want a nice opportunity to get wedding ideas, have a good feedl and a laugh with mutual friends (and see other friends get married, always nice no-matter how "unclose" you are) then do go. Simples.

EnjoyResponsibly · 11/12/2012 11:11

Well on the basis that your DP doesn't seem to have actually proposed yet I'd go and not worry about reciprocating. Just cut that last 10 minutes contact this year and next and your gold

Pandemoniaa · 11/12/2012 11:17

Bearing in mind that you haven't even decided to get married yourself, I'd also recommend ignoring the whole, hypothetical, issue of reciprocating. Make your decision on whether you actually want to go to the wedding.

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