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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think its not ok for ex to play cricket on his day with the dc ?

78 replies

rednailpolish · 10/12/2012 16:55

.... because he's playing cricket for several hours and the children are at the ground "watching" (ie largely unsupervised)... the dc are 8 and 5.... I am really unhappy about it and have said I would rather have the children back.... he says i'm irrational, mad and over reacting....

OP posts:
Original poster
rednailpolish · 10/12/2012 17:39

actually the arrangement does work Gold, until the cricket season... but I cannot keep messing my employers about because one day a fortnight exh would rather be doing something else! i have a life to fit in too... and so far its dictated by his needs..... I cant stretch it any further!

OP posts:
Bonsoir · 10/12/2012 17:39

I think this is fine. Playing cricket is what fathers do.

Original poster
rednailpolish · 10/12/2012 17:42

lol bonsoir!......

thank you blueberry... you have put it better than me.... I'm really quite upset about it, because we did agree a pattern, largely to suit him cos actually i am not a total cow bag! but he will not reassure me that he wont take them up there and have them unsupervised....

OP posts:
Original poster
rednailpolish · 10/12/2012 17:45

and actually... I think its not sending the kids a great message.... they really love spending time with him... but hes just gonna carry on regardless as tho life hasnt changed.... whether they are bored or not.... he gets to do what he likes and they just tag along ....

OP posts:
complexnumber · 10/12/2012 17:49

Cricket in December?

You're not local are you?

We have local rules for local people here!

IneedAsockamnesty · 10/12/2012 17:51

Do people play cricket in December?

Original poster
rednailpolish · 10/12/2012 17:52

ha ha! no.... I'm Uk.... hes not playing cricket yet! it came up because I have to commit/or not to working every other sunday by next week..... which is why the issue came up.... last season i covered all his cricket.... next year it isnt possible for me to do that without losing a day a week in work....

OP posts:
MissBeehivingUnderTheMistletoe · 10/12/2012 17:56

I think that is unreasonable for the children to be unsupervised during agreed access in this way. They're too young.

Spending time with their own children during agreed access is what real father do Bonsoir

eslteacher · 10/12/2012 18:06

Is this going to happen for a whole series of Sundays, or just be a one off?

Is your ex planning to ask another adult/family to watch them, or just leave them to their own devices?

Both these things make a difference IMO

OTTMummA · 10/12/2012 18:07

It is fine if he wants to play cricket and ignore his children, bit not to the detriment of his children's safety. He needs to formally ask another parent to mind the children, they are too young to be left unsupervised.

HoolioHallio · 10/12/2012 18:15

Didn't you realise OP, that when you do finally 'leave the bastard', he morphs into Mother Teresa with a scrotum and you become the hysterical, unreasonable Ex wife who dare not complain when his selfish, self centered ways impact on his kids safety and well being ? Wink

silvercup · 10/12/2012 18:24

YANBU.
Why can't he play cricket on a Saturday - change clubs if needs be.
Or only play every other Sunday when he doesn't have the children.

DH plays cricket but since us having DD has dropped down to once a fortnight so that we have family time together on the weekends too. Having suffered watched a few games, they can be awfully long and boring, and I don't really think it's fair on the children tbh. He's not spending time with them and how can you guarantee there will be other responsible adults watching who can look out for them?

I wouldn't allow it.

nagynolonger · 10/12/2012 18:50

The men and boys in my family all play cricket and IMO it's only OK if there is some other adult around who will keep an eye on them. Will grandparents be there? He should not just assume someone elses wife/girlfriend/mother will do it while he is in the field or bating. In the past I've found myself not just minding others DC but sharing a picnic tea as well because all dad provides is money for a can of pop and crisps/sweets.
Cricket balls sometimes injure spectators.....not very often but a 5 or 8 yearold can't be expected to keep an eye on the ball all the time. Also a cricket match lasts several hours and even if there are other Dc for them to play with they will get bored.

It would be great if he could take them to junior cricket and get involved it that. It is a lovely family sport but not one where DC should be left to amuse themselves.

Original poster
rednailpolish · 10/12/2012 18:58

LOL hoolio! it is becoming increasingly clear that obviously I am a total shitbag!!! how dare I ask that he actually looks after the kids....ffs!! The rest of the tie I never have any reason to question his care.... not once. But where cricket is concerned is another matter!! it comes forst everytime.... he WILL NOT adapt .... refuses to .... makes my blood boil tbh. Cricket has been his first priority for 20 years.... why the hell did i expect that he would want to spend his days with the children, actually with the children??

Unfortunately we dont have any family who could have them while he plays... tho he has suggested my parents drive 100 miles to do so!! BUT... why the hell should someone have them so he can play cricket? its hardly critical!!!

I wouldnt mind, but I adapt every time he needs to change his work commitments, wants a night out that falls on his night with the kids, I even babysit them in his house! AND i cover for him while he spends approx 15 weeks a year abroad!!!!.... So actually... no i am not being unreasonable to expect him to give his undivided attention to his children one day per fortnight between the months of April and August!!!!

OP posts:
Cozy9 · 10/12/2012 18:59

Are there other children at the cricket for your DCs to play with?

Original poster
rednailpolish · 10/12/2012 19:02

there are sometimes a few other kids yes... but they tend to pop up for about an hour or so.... but that doesnt help with having an adult responsible for them.....

OP posts:
piprabbit · 10/12/2012 19:03

My DDad used to take me to watch him play cricket - I used to rather enjoy it. Especially when I got to help out with the scoreboard or the cricket teas. I used to feel very important Grin and that I was sharing something that my DDad enjoyed.

quoteunquote · 10/12/2012 19:05

why not do a fifty fifty split with the child care, then the time spent with them won't be so critical.

Original poster
rednailpolish · 10/12/2012 19:05

its is valuable pip.... but only if they have someone there to look after them....
I have no problem with them enjoying cricket, taking part, watching him..... but not on their own!

OP posts:
Original poster
rednailpolish · 10/12/2012 19:06

quote... how do you mean 50:50? like half a week each all year round?

OP posts:
Original poster
rednailpolish · 10/12/2012 19:08

its not just the time spent with them thats important tho! its about them being unsupervised!... my issue here is the care arrangements.... leaving my kids unsupervised whilst he carries on with what he wants to do!

OP posts:
ItsOkayItsJustMyBreath · 10/12/2012 19:15

YADNBU

MajorB · 10/12/2012 19:18

He is being an idiot, and certainly putting his "needs" (because quite frankly no one needs to play cricket) before his children's safety.

Two things, firstly how would he feel if you were to take the kids to tesco for a big shop, but leave them to their own devices wandering around the carpark whilst you actually shopped on your own - would he be ok about that? Because what he is suggesting is very similar to that, would he think that was a perfectly valid parenting choice?

And secondly, and most importantly, he hasn't actually done this yet. Believe me when he does he will come under a lot of pressure from other people at the club to watch his own children, rather than leave it to someone else (as other people will feel obliged to watch them if he's not). Ask him how he'll feel if one of the people watching the match calls social services because there are two small unattended children wandering round.

He may find that people at the club tell him not to come if he doesn't have appropriate care for his children, why doesn't he sound out a few people at the club and ask them what they think of being his unpaid childcare?

FamiliesShareGerms · 10/12/2012 19:24

DS (7) and DD (2) have spent many hours of their lives at various cricket grounds, some with me, some with other adults / teenagers keeping an eye on them. If they enjoy being there with their dad, it would be good to continue that. But you are not unreasonable at all to ensure that there's someone keeping an eye out for them. It doesn't need to be for the whole match, as he should be able to look after them when he's not batting. But when they are warming up, fielding and changing (they aren't allowed in the changing room with him) someone else needs to know they are unsupervised, and they need to know who to go to if there's a problem. This really shouldn't be a problem (DH has always managed to find someone if the alternative is that he can't play!), so as long as he agrees that this is what will happen, you can commit to your working pattern now.

FamiliesShareGerms · 10/12/2012 19:25

MajorB - DH "needs" to play cricket, for his sake but mine too. He is a complete pain to be with if he hasn't played for a while! Goodness knows what will happen when he is finally too old...

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