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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think its not ok for ex to play cricket on his day with the dc ?

78 replies

rednailpolish · 10/12/2012 16:55

.... because he's playing cricket for several hours and the children are at the ground "watching" (ie largely unsupervised)... the dc are 8 and 5.... I am really unhappy about it and have said I would rather have the children back.... he says i'm irrational, mad and over reacting....

OP posts:
GoldPlatedNineDoors · 10/12/2012 16:58

If he were to arrange adequate childcare would that be ok?

After all, presumably you do things without your dcs while you have them (nights out etc) and they are babysat?

Is it a regular weekly event - if so a day change would surely be better.

Original poster
rednailpolish · 10/12/2012 17:01

he only has them 2 days a week so i dont think its fair on them to be in childcare on the sunday (he has them every other sunday) when they would rather be with him... Unfortunately I cannot do a day change as I have to work alternate sundays...

OP posts:
MaxPepsi · 10/12/2012 17:03

Would you have left them in his care whilst playing cricket if you were still together and you wanted to do something without them?

GoldPlatedNineDoors · 10/12/2012 17:03

But if they go into childcare when they are with you, why shouldnt they when they are with him? The fact he only has them two days is irrelevant really.

GoldPlatedNineDoors · 10/12/2012 17:04

Good quetstion Max

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 10/12/2012 17:04

Well, if he has them 2 days a week so then I dont think he is being unreasonable. Presumably when you have them you do other stuff too....you can't devote your whole life to them all the time, it's just not realistic.

Original poster
rednailpolish · 10/12/2012 17:05

No! I wouldnt have left them! I always stayed with them there if they wanted to be there. The ground is open to anyone who wants to wander in, backs on to a car park etc.... I just dont think its ok to have the children sat there while he concentrates on something else!

OP posts:
BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 10/12/2012 17:06

Are you sure it's not just a case of sour grapes?

What, you never ever leave them and persue a hobby?? Really??

vigglewiggle · 10/12/2012 17:08

I don't think you have in say in whether he chooses to please himself during his limited access time. But what you do have a say in - is the care of your children when he is running around a cricket pitch. If it is as you paint it and they will be unsupervised, then I don't think YABU to object. I tend to think however that there will be other mums and dads at the ground to keep an eye on them. Still sad that this is how he chooses to spend his time.

Original poster
rednailpolish · 10/12/2012 17:10

I dont have an objection to him playing cricket, what i dont think is okay is that they are left for hours on end sat there without him!... or another adult looking out for them.

i dont think it is irrelevant that he has them 2 days a week.... that is time that they need to see their dad!! but if he puts them in childcare (impossible to find anyway on a sunday) then they are really missing out on seeing him.... it only affects him every other week....

When I have them at weekends they are not in childcare, thats my time with my kids!!

OP posts:
FreudiansSlipper · 10/12/2012 17:12

he has them 2 days a week but one day is not convenient for him as he has to play cricket for hours

i think he is being selfish. having children is inconvenient at times that is just the way it is. i agree if he really can not spare the time what is the point in them beign with him for the whole day could it must be very boring for them

FreudiansSlipper · 10/12/2012 17:14

meant to type could he take them out for dinner after ....

Original poster
rednailpolish · 10/12/2012 17:14

No its isnt sour grapes... !! this is about CARE, not how he chooses to spend his time.... that is entirely his business.... he has 13 other days in a fortnight when he could play!! I have spent 20 years supporting him playing! And do actually agree how important it is that he has time to continue playing...just not at the expense of seeing and looking after the children!... its their time too!

And no... I don not put them in childcare to pursue a hobby.... I do that on the one day a fortnight I have without them because they are with their dad!

OP posts:
MaxPepsi · 10/12/2012 17:16

Being part of club is a good thing for kids. They will have plenty of time with him even though he's playing.

What do your kids think about it all?

and i don't see how it's sad to still want a social life that includes his kids.

I take it your kids do not go to any parties or see their friends on a weekend?

GoldPlatedNineDoors · 10/12/2012 17:17

How many hours is he on the pitch? He needs to make sure they are supervised properly - are there other kids there (imagines many kids of the cricketers racing around together possibly with other mums there too)

GoldPlatedNineDoors · 10/12/2012 17:18

He has played for years and years. YOU need him to have the kids every other sunday because YOU work so why should HE have to change his days to fit around you?

SantaWearsGreen · 10/12/2012 17:20

Yanbu.

People saying don't you ever leave them whilst you do something else abu. Simple fact is he has five days a week to play cricket, skip, hop and fucking jump but he chooses one of the two days a week he has DC to play it. If he has to give it up then that is a sacrifice he has to make to see his DC ffs.. he gets two days a week to make his relationship with his kids count and he dumps them for however long to play v.booooring fricking cricket.

He needs to get his prorities straight.

HoolioHallio · 10/12/2012 17:21

YANBU.

Original poster
rednailpolish · 10/12/2012 17:22

I agree, being part of a club is important.... they enjoy it...and on my sunday I take them up there to watch him! thats not the issue tho... my concern is when hes playing, hes not watching the dc... would he notice that they wander off down the road?... or start playing out of sight in the car park?

they dont get much time with him when hes playing cos he bats for ages, umpires etc....

he can still take them to the cricket... but to watch, not play.... then hes still socialising!

yes my kids sometimes go to parties etc.... whats that got to do with being supervised at the cricket?

OP posts:
HildaOgden · 10/12/2012 17:25

Yanbu...the 5 year old is too young to be left fend for himself for a few hours,and the 8 year old is too young to be in charge of them both.And I'd say the same whichever parent it was,whether they were still together or not.

I don't know how you're going to get around this....will he (ex) definitely not arrange someone to mind them while he plays?

Original poster
rednailpolish · 10/12/2012 17:27

Actually Gold.... we have a fortnightly pattern of access, so that he never goes more than 3 days without seeing them.... this suits us all and is fair on everyone... He actually therefore only has them every other weekend.... He does not have the children so that I can work.... I work when he has the children...so that i can see them when its my days rather than have them in childcare! VERY different.... I arrange my work around when he has the children... he does not provide my childcare. In fact I have changed my work days to make this arrangement work.... I dont actually want to work sundays... I do it because its good for the kids!

OP posts:
GoldPlatedNineDoors · 10/12/2012 17:30

But the arrangement doesnt seem to work, hence your reasons for starting this thread - he has plans on a Sunday.

ImaginateMum · 10/12/2012 17:31

YANBU

DH plays cricket and we often go. None of the men take their children without a wife / grandma / aunt or whatever until they are around ten.

Original poster
rednailpolish · 10/12/2012 17:36

Our arrangement was set up to ensure he doesnt go without seeing them for more than three days.... he asked for this, I changed all my work around to do this.... yes he has something he'd like to do... but lifes changed....why should i be the only one to adapt? does he want to see his kids or not....my point tho is: is it ok to let him continue having them if hes not really having them and they are not really being supervised?? i dont think its a good standard of care!

we all have hobbies we'd quite like to go and do... but its about priorities and seeing his kids....

OP posts:
BlueberryHill · 10/12/2012 17:38

YANBU, he cannot supervise them properly and 5 is too young to be left at their own devices for hours on end. Relying on other parents being around and keeping an eye on them without specifically asking them is a recipe for disaster, no one has overall responsibility.

He has played for years and years. YOU need him to have the kids every other sunday because YOU work so why should HE have to change his days to fit around you? Er, because he is the father, when he has them he should look after them responsibly when the access / contact has been agreed by both parties.