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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not attend stepkids' school nativity (not that I'm invited!)

68 replies

eatssleepsfeeds · 10/12/2012 13:30

Married to DH who has 2 kids from previous marriage (8 and 10).

We have 2 of our own (2 yr old and a baby).

I get on ok with his kids who visit us every other weekend. However am utterly reviled by the ex wife. This is no secret and the kids aren't v close to me as a result as their mother doesn't want them to be.

I find it all a v awkward set up tbh. DH is v understanding and I can't really criticise him. Things are as they are and will probably never change.

I always wonder how to play the school nativity one. As yet, I've never attended. DH goes on his own, sits nowhere near his ex wife and her new partner (who is apparently v liked by the kids) and watches it by himself.

I'm pretty sure if I turned up, the ex would go spare and I'd be subject to hideous verbal abuse in front of my own children (who have never been near her, thank god). She has behaved like this before - the one time I bumped into her at a shop a few yrs ago before I had my children - and it was just awful. She erroneously believes I was the cause of her marriage breakdown. (Whole other thread. No amount of telling her otherwise solves anything. She will not be reasoned with so not really the point of this post.)

It does feel in a way that I am doing nothing about being a permanent exclusion from the stepkids' lives and almist permitting her treatment of me. My DH would probably welcome that I attend but I'm sure his heart would be in his throat the whole time too, worrying that it would all kick off Jeremy Kyle style and there would be nothing we could do to stop it. (DH and I wd walk away and avoid any kind of confrontation but it would just be excrutiating. I've no one to babysit my children so they wd necessarily witness it all).

Think I've probably answered the dilemma myself. I won't go. But the stepkids will probably just think I don't care about them again. Thus perpetuating the whole crap.

AIBU to just hide away again this year?

OP posts:
Alliwantisaroomsomewhere · 10/12/2012 13:32

I don't know if you ABU. Talk to your DH and see what he says. Ask your step kids - see what they want.

SantaIAmSoFuckingRock · 10/12/2012 13:33

if it was likely to kick off in any way by you being there then no, i would not attend. it isn't fair on the children.

somuchslimmernow · 10/12/2012 13:34

Is there only the one performance? Most schools have 2 or possibly you could go to the dress rehearsal which some schools do allow. Hugs for you btw, you sound like a nice person and not deserving of this womans hostility.

DoubleMum · 10/12/2012 13:35

Is there only one performance? I do think it sends the wrong message to your stepchildren, but I can see why you wouldn't go.

mummytime · 10/12/2012 13:35

At my kids school there is a limit of 3 tickets per family, so you couldn't go if you wanted to. I would show an interest, get them to tell you about it, and be generally supportive, but not go. When they are older and in big productions, if they want you to go, then it would be a different matter.

Mollydoggerson · 10/12/2012 13:38

Could you maybe give the step kids a Good Luck card each, and show that you care, and maybe blame the lack of a babysitter for not attending, but still try and make a big deal of it, ask them about the play etc.

Journey · 10/12/2012 13:40

I'd go to support your partner. Just sit away from them. She can hardly do anything whilst the nativity play is on.

If you don't go then she is controlling what your partner would like. If she is going with her partner then it is a bit ironic for her to make a fuss.

I think you need to be honest with yourself about whether you really want to go. If you do and your partner wants you there then go.

apachepony · 10/12/2012 13:41

Gosh, not as extreme an example but I was also wondering about this. My sd's nativity play is during the day so I would need time off work. There is nowhere near the same animosity as between op's dh and ex, but I doubt my presence would be particularly welcomed by ex, or possibly sd - might make her feel uncomfortable? But should I be making the effort to go to show I'm interested and engaged in sd's life?

apachepony · 10/12/2012 13:43

I've never gone any other year but just wondering how this looks to sd.

Original poster
eatssleepsfeeds · 10/12/2012 13:47

It's on Weds so no chance to speak to kids as we won't see them before then. Silly DH only found out today that's when it is. There are 2 performances but have no idea which one she'll be going to. Highly suspect both as she has done that in past. I've probably left things too late. I know if I brought it up with the kids they wouldn't know what to say and probably just shrug as don't want to rock the boat.

Seems like any conversation I have with them is duly reported back to their mother. If it's anything remotely controversial like this then a ranting email or phone call wd be sent my DH's way. He does deal with such correspondence well - not in a remotely abusive way in the way I'd be tempted to but in a thoroughly rational and reasonable way.

I just can't face it. I'm not going to go. Not worth the hassle.

OP posts:
mummytime · 10/12/2012 13:50

As I said at my kids school they have two performances, but there is still a maximum of 3tickets per family, as there just isn't enough room. Are you sure there would be room even if you wanted to go?

PicaK · 10/12/2012 13:54

You know it was 4 or 5 years ago when you last had a run in. Chances are the rawness and anger have worn off.

Can your dh let her know you'll be there if that's ok cos he wants you with him.

GinSoakedMu1berryLush · 10/12/2012 13:55

You'll have to sit through enough of them anyway.

DeWe · 10/12/2012 13:56

I wouldn't go if I had younger ones to look after. You spend the time hushing them and feeling guilty every time they squeak.

If one of your kids sets up even the tiniest bit of noise you can bet she'll tell everyone you ruined the show. When yours are older and at school themselves then you can go if you want to.

GinSoakedMu1berryLush · 10/12/2012 13:57

yeah in my kds school only two tickets per child and it sounds like there will be three there already!

Original poster
eatssleepsfeeds · 10/12/2012 14:01

Mummytime - you may be right. I haven't a clue.

PicaK - no the bitterness is still very painfully there. She has sent fairly recent emails that would confirm that. I think my DH forewarning her of my attendance would just get her spoiling for a fight that we may have been able to run away from otherwise. Plus why should he obtain her permission? She would never give it! She'd just tell DH that the kids don't want me there. That's her usual sort of approach.

OP posts:
Mollydoggerson · 10/12/2012 14:05

Send two cards with your dh, it's just showing the stepkids that you care for them. That's the importing thing, cementing that relationship.

Scholes34 · 10/12/2012 14:49

You shouldn't go if you have to take two very young children with you. In my experience, the school doesn't make them particularly welcome, so you've the perfect excuse to hide behind and a whole year ahead of you to work on a good relationship with the step children. You say they visit every other weekend, so you've the perfect opportunity to work on ensuring they become closer to you.

ProbablyJustGas · 10/12/2012 15:22

IMO, if your SKs ask for you to be there, it would be worth making an effort to go for their sakes and pray that all adults behave themselves. But, if they are not heartbroken that you won't be there, then I'd say just wish them luck, tell them you hope they have a wonderful time and that you'll see them at home.

I can understand wanting to show the kids you care about them and what they're doing, but if turning up really could provoke verbal assault from their mother, that won't make them feel good about your presence. It might be better to just ask how everything went afterwards, watch the video footage your DH took and show an interest in what they did.

ProbablyJustGas · 10/12/2012 15:26

Ah, I should read the entire thread, sorry. The Good Luck cards sound like a fine idea, and maybe your DH could make a big production of filming something on his phone or camera, "to show your DSM later." And just say you had to look after the little ones.

ENormaSnob · 10/12/2012 15:36

Were you the ow?

Do your step children think you are the cause of their parents not being together?

IneedAsockamnesty · 10/12/2012 15:45

Children do not need you to be there to know you care,

Good luck or well done cards or just a daddy told me how well you did I'm very impressed, is perfectly doable and acceptable.

It's really not worth the risk of things kicking off and if it does happen you will look like the one in the wrong.

nqtatwitsend · 10/12/2012 16:47

OP I could have written your first post. I don't go to any school events for fear that DP's ex will kick off (no I was not the OW). This year the youngest even said its a shame mummy won't let you come!

I wish the children luck, I tell them I think they'll be amazing and that I can't wait to hear all about it.

It bothers me on many levels but mostly because for the past 3 years I have (at their request) helped the children make costumes for every event because 'mummy hates doing this sort of stuff and she says that cause you dont have children you have tonnes of time'

My advice, support the kids but don't go. The last thing the children need is stress.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 10/12/2012 16:51

If you know it would upset the children's Mother to have you there, why would you even consider it? Whether she is right or wrong is irrelevant, she doesn't want you there and her feelings about her children's play are a lot more important that yours.

I think it's quite selfish of you to even consider going.

Casserole · 10/12/2012 17:48

But even more important than the mother's feelings are the chlidren's feelings, Outraged. And I think the OP is saying that when the kids look out each time and see Mum and Stepdad, Dad and..... no-one watching, it just cement their impression that she (the OP) doesn't care about them.

I don't think you would be at all unreasonable to go. But I don't think you'd be unreasonable to stay away either. So really i think it's down to whether you can face the flak that you will get. SHE is definitely being unreasonable though.

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