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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not attend stepkids' school nativity (not that I'm invited!)

68 replies

eatssleepsfeeds · 10/12/2012 13:30

Married to DH who has 2 kids from previous marriage (8 and 10).

We have 2 of our own (2 yr old and a baby).

I get on ok with his kids who visit us every other weekend. However am utterly reviled by the ex wife. This is no secret and the kids aren't v close to me as a result as their mother doesn't want them to be.

I find it all a v awkward set up tbh. DH is v understanding and I can't really criticise him. Things are as they are and will probably never change.

I always wonder how to play the school nativity one. As yet, I've never attended. DH goes on his own, sits nowhere near his ex wife and her new partner (who is apparently v liked by the kids) and watches it by himself.

I'm pretty sure if I turned up, the ex would go spare and I'd be subject to hideous verbal abuse in front of my own children (who have never been near her, thank god). She has behaved like this before - the one time I bumped into her at a shop a few yrs ago before I had my children - and it was just awful. She erroneously believes I was the cause of her marriage breakdown. (Whole other thread. No amount of telling her otherwise solves anything. She will not be reasoned with so not really the point of this post.)

It does feel in a way that I am doing nothing about being a permanent exclusion from the stepkids' lives and almist permitting her treatment of me. My DH would probably welcome that I attend but I'm sure his heart would be in his throat the whole time too, worrying that it would all kick off Jeremy Kyle style and there would be nothing we could do to stop it. (DH and I wd walk away and avoid any kind of confrontation but it would just be excrutiating. I've no one to babysit my children so they wd necessarily witness it all).

Think I've probably answered the dilemma myself. I won't go. But the stepkids will probably just think I don't care about them again. Thus perpetuating the whole crap.

AIBU to just hide away again this year?

OP posts:
Panzee · 10/12/2012 17:54

The children might want it now but it's important that stepmum tries to ensure that she doesn't do anything -however inadvertent - to make mum look bad.

I am sure that in time the children will realise what their mum is like. Probably best to stay the bad guy for now, as hard as it may be.

Just my tuppence worth.

piprabbit · 10/12/2012 17:54

It sounds like a horribly tense situation and one that does need to be resolved (or at least defused a little) at some stage. But I really don't think the public forum of a school nativity is the place to even consider bringing things to a head.

There will be better places and/or times. In the meantime pat yourself on the back for being mature and avoiding confrontation.

Could you perhaps do a 'break a leg' card for your DSC before their performances - wishing them luck and saying you can't wait to see the photos as you won't be there yourself.

NannyEggn0gg · 10/12/2012 17:58

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos
Selfish? Because she wants to foster a good relationship with her step-children?
Their mother has moved on to another relationship and the OP wasn't the Other Woman. If anyone is being selfish here it isn't the OP.

I think the DH, in the New Year, needs to sort things out with his ex. It can only do the children good to have 4 adults who love them in their lives.

AmberLeaf · 10/12/2012 18:01

She erroneously believes I was the cause of her marriage breakdown. (Whole other thread. No amount of telling her otherwise solves anything. She will not be reasoned with so not really the point of this post

But were you the other woman? its not very clear.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 10/12/2012 18:20

Of course it's not selfish to want to foster a good relationship with your step children, that's not the same as wanting o go to their plays.

My DH fostered a great relationship with his step children before he started coming to school events, that's how it works. You don't come to these things until you have the relationship where the children actually want you there, they are not a tool to be used to build bridges, they are an event that is special to children and its an honour to go along as a parent or loved one. And you certainly don't go if its going to upset the biological parent.

Original poster
eatssleepsfeeds · 10/12/2012 19:09

Hi. Back now. Thanks for your helpful replies. I've bought a good luck card and will run idea past DH later.

No, I wasn't OW. Started relationship with DH after he'd seperated from her. She swears blind I must have been on the scene before he left her but just not true. She just will not believe him and wants to blame someone I think. DH just doesn't engage with her on that point anymore as futile.

Yes, she has told kids in no uncertain terms that I 'took' their father away from them. When they were younger, they let slip some of the things she would say. They have learned to just keep schtoom now with age and, I think, tell her what she wants to hear for an easier life. They both saw what happened on the day that she did go nuts on me in the car park of a shop. They were in the same car as me, driven by DH and watched their mother come out of nowhere, driving like a lunatic possessed next to us, screaming obsenities out of her car window. You will honestly never have seen anything like it. The kids were in the back of our car, crying. DH managed to speed off via a roundabout and make it to the motorway without her being able to keep up.

Was thinking about this incident earlier and have just quietly decided to myself that I don't want my own kids exposed to her horror. So be it that I never really have much of a relationship with DH's kids. Maybe when they're much older they'll see what's going on and make their own decisions. DH assures me that she has always been a fruitcake so they must witness a lot of madness even where I am not involved.

OP posts:
MammaTJ · 10/12/2012 19:21

They are not many years from making their own minds up based on how you behave.

I had a horendous time with DStD for ages. She was 8 when I met her dad. Her mum hated the fact that she could no longer control him through her. She used to get him to go there every evening to see her and spend time with her and call him and her new DP (the man she had left him for) 'my two men'. When DStD visited it was as though she sent a bomb in to my house with nasty comments. 'When the baby is born it will be my half brother or sister' 'You can't tell me what to do, you're not my mum'. She would have propper paddies based on things her mum had said and kept accusing her Dad of not paying enough mainenance (he did).

DStD is now 28 and we are very close despite the fact that her Dad left me 9 years ago.

I say steer clear of direct confrontation, like the nativity, but be kind and thoughtful.

lola88 · 10/12/2012 19:24

I don't think it's a good idea to go if it will cause a scene but i think you should try and be more involved with them they are not just your partners children they are your childrens siblings, it could cause a huge divide in the family in years to come. Once the kids get older your DH will be torn in half over his 2 familys if you don't make an effort to make the you all a family.

It's horrible his ex makes things so hard for you but you shouldn't let her keep you from bonding with the kids, your not some random woman DP met 5 mins ago your his wife and their siblings mother.

Original poster
eatssleepsfeeds · 10/12/2012 19:32

It's so good to hear these thoughts. I never never discuss this properly with friends and family. I don't want people knowing about things and I certainly don't want them to worry about me but, shit, I get soooo down about this sometimes. It's a real problem.

Thanks for this outlet.

OP posts:
lola88 · 10/12/2012 19:44

I was speaking as a stepchild and no matter how many horrible things my dad said about my step dad i never believed them because step dad showed he cared, i used to just think if he's so bad then why is he so nice to me and if he doesn't care then why does he take us places and spend time with us. Actions really do speak louder than words.

canoodle · 10/12/2012 19:58

I wouldn't worry about not going - your skids will know whether you care about them from all sorts of things. Whether or not you go to the school play isn't really that important. I never went to my dss's school until he was in Y6, and I went on a different day to his mum. (have been on the same day as her in secondary).

Hope you find someone to talk to - being a SM is really lonely I think.

apostrophethesnowman · 10/12/2012 20:12

"When DStD visited it was as though she sent a bomb in to my house with nasty comments. 'When the baby is born it will be my half brother or sister'"

That's not a nasty comment. It's just a biological fact. Confused

OP I think you're best to stay away for the moment, unless the children specifically ask you to go. You're right, you have to protect your own little children too.

Original poster
eatssleepsfeeds · 10/12/2012 20:18

Sorry apost - that wasn't my post. Maybe I misunderstand? I agree though. Staying away is prob for the best right now.

OP posts:
Original poster
eatssleepsfeeds · 10/12/2012 20:22

Lola - advice indeed then. They are really good kids to be fair. Really nice. They do like me. It's just difficult for them. We do have a good time together. There is an elephant in the room though, I feel. I do need to try even harder though I think.

OP posts:
apostrophethesnowman · 10/12/2012 20:22

Sorry eatsleeps - it was another poster (MammaTJ) who said that. My post wasn't very clear!

FreudiansSlipper · 10/12/2012 20:25

i think you are best to stay away, they are her children it is very special to see your child in the school plays you will be doing this soon and it is a little stepping on her toes if you were to go

but she also sounds like she is difficult build up a relationship away from her they care for you you for them that is not going to change and you will have plenty of plays to go a see yourself soon

sunshine401 · 10/12/2012 20:26

So her partner can attend but you can not?? Rubbish, GO and be with your husband and see the play.

exoticfruits · 10/12/2012 20:49

I am surprised by Outraged's post- the mother's feelings have nothing to do with it- she should be thinking of the DCs first. I would stay away but ask them all about it afterwards and show an interest. Make your own relationship with them- there are plenty of nice crafty type things you can do with them for Christmas.

YuleBritannia · 10/12/2012 21:11

OP, do you like your stepchildren? If so, please stop calling them your stepkids. They are your stepchildren or DSCs.

When asked if I have kids, my reply is always, "No, I don't have any animals."

OK, the rest of you; I'll let you laugh.

Original poster
eatssleepsfeeds · 10/12/2012 21:22

Yule, of course I like my stepkids. Just as they like their stepmum. I imagine the latter term upsets you too.

What a misplaced post.

I'm laughing with the rest of them.

OP posts:
OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 10/12/2012 21:29

The mothers feelings have a lot to do with it if you are a considerate person that appreciates another parents natural desire to enjoy their child's nativity play Xmas Hmm

Of course she should be thinking of her children, and maybe she is. That doesn't have to extend to feeling happy that the her ex husbands second wife decides to turn up at her children's nativity play.

lola88 · 10/12/2012 21:29

Do you do anything with them alone? You could say you are dying to see the new christmas movie at the cinema will they come with you (make sure they are coming with you not you taking them) and make a big deal about we'll leave the babies with dad.

One thing my step dad never done was show he didn't like my dad even when my dad was acting like a huge dick step dad just acted like there was nothing wrong, the mans a saint for putting up with it tbh.

Kids are easy to win over especially if your genuine if you show them you care and love them like the little ones then their mum can bad mouth you all she likes they will KNOW they are loved. I can imagin you feel like they don't like you and it must be hard it might take some time but they will come around.

DewDr0p · 10/12/2012 21:34

OP does the children's school make a DVD of the performance? Just thinking you could say how sorry you were to miss it but make a big deal of sitting down to watch the DVD all together, get some popcorn etc and of course be terribly impressed and proud of their performance?

thebody · 10/12/2012 21:34

Wish them good luck, be interested and maybe have a special well done tea for them next time you have them.

Most schools do a DVD so get dh to buy 2 copies and watch yours as a family.

You won't ever be their mother of course and why should you want to? But be their grown up friend.

Original poster
eatssleepsfeeds · 10/12/2012 21:36

Outraged. I actually agree. Your first post, I wasn't so sure about, but the 2 after, I agree with. I'm a mother myself. I would despise another woman playing at mother to my children. I have thought before that the nativity play is a mother's privilege and none of my business.

It's just that I would like to support my husband and I would like my stepkids to know that we're there for them as a unit.

It doesn't matter anymore anyway. I'm definitely not going.

OP posts: