to not attend stepkids' school nativity (not that I'm invited!)

[eatssleepsfeeds]

Married to DH who has 2 kids from previous marriage (8 and 10).

We have 2 of our own (2 yr old and a baby).

I get on ok with his kids who visit us every other weekend. However am utterly reviled by the ex wife. This is no secret and the kids aren't v close to me as a result as their mother doesn't want them to be.

I find it all a v awkward set up tbh. DH is v understanding and I can't really criticise him. Things are as they are and will probably never change.

I always wonder how to play the school nativity one. As yet, I've never attended. DH goes on his own, sits nowhere near his ex wife and her new partner (who is apparently v liked by the kids) and watches it by himself.

I'm pretty sure if I turned up, the ex would go spare and I'd be subject to hideous verbal abuse in front of my own children (who have never been near her, thank god). She has behaved like this before - the one time I bumped into her at a shop a few yrs ago before I had my children - and it was just awful. She erroneously believes I was the cause of her marriage breakdown. (Whole other thread. No amount of telling her otherwise solves anything. She will not be reasoned with so not really the point of this post.)

It does feel in a way that I am doing nothing about being a permanent exclusion from the stepkids' lives and almist permitting her treatment of me. My DH would probably welcome that I attend but I'm sure his heart would be in his throat the whole time too, worrying that it would all kick off Jeremy Kyle style and there would be nothing we could do to stop it. (DH and I wd walk away and avoid any kind of confrontation but it would just be excrutiating. I've no one to babysit my children so they wd necessarily witness it all).

Think I've probably answered the dilemma myself. I won't go. But the stepkids will probably just think I don't care about them again. Thus perpetuating the whole crap.

AIBU to just hide away again this year?

this does sound difficult. Do you really think she would cause a scene at the school though with teachers and other parents around to hear her? It is one thing to scream abuse from one car window to another but I should have thought she would be hesitant to do the same at a nativity play.

I so get that it is hard!! Keep posting/pm me to let off steam rather than let your SStC know that you are ever hurt!!

It's just that I would like to support my husband and I would like my stepkids to know that we're there for them as a unit.

That's lovely, and I think there are probably lots of ways you could do that without going to the nativity.

Lola - no. I never do anything alone. DH has been ticked off in the past for letting this happen. About a fortnight ago, I mentioned to my stepdaughter (8) on the Sat night we had them how I was going for a swim the following morning (as I do most Sundays) and she could come if she wanted. She seemed really interested and said she'd really like to.

Next morning I got her swimming stuff packed and was ready for the off. DH came over to me quietly and said that she'd quietly said to him she didn't want to come anymore. There was no explanation. Imagine that either she'd thought better of it herself in terms if what her mum wd say, or her older brother had told her not to or she'd texted her mum about it - they bring mobiles with them.

It's not easy.

Tbh, it hurt me. I know. It's pathetic. I'm a grown woman. I make connections with them then it just goes. There have been moments when we have had very sweet and loving times. I've had endless cuddles from them and have been told by ghem that they love me. Then it goes and we're like strangers again.

Things haven't been v close for quite a while. It's hard when I'm looking after the 2 yr old and baby when they come (DH does more than his fair share at such times and is not criticised in slightest.)

Sounds like your DH is pandering to his Ex. The woman should have NO influence in how the time is spent on their dad's watch.

he's frightened of her. He needs to show the DC that they can, and should, make their own choices, as long a they are good, not harmful to themseves or others.

I wouldn't put up with it. You are seeing them regularly in your home- you are not some sort of 'inconvenient' housekeeper while they see the father. I would engineer it so that they have to swiping with your i.e. you all go swimming and DH looks after the little ones in the baby pool and you take the elder ones to swim at their level. I think you need to get DH on your side so that you are part if the family and they end up doing things with you, without having to feel disloyal.
I would agree that she should have no influence over what happens in your house. I would do things like cooking with them- play cards, board games- DH should be having half the time looking after the baby and 2year old so that you are free to do things with the older ones. That way you can build your own relationship and they will be able to go out with you without him.
DH is the problem - he needs to find ways to make you central on the visits -I have always refused to stay in compartments- especially if put in one by an ex.

Sorry iPad has a mind of its own 'swiping' should have been 'spend time'.

Of course the mother doesn't have to feel happy if she turns up at the nativity but she ought to keep her feelings to herself - and I can't see that it matters if she is happy or not. Are the DCs happy is all that matters.

Sorry apostrophethesnowman, I missed the only out and the emphasis cannot be properly expressed online.

It WAS a deliberately nasty comment, trying to distance my StD from her younger sibling.

I am no longer married to their Dad and have gone on to have two more children with my DP. The word half never gets used in describing their relationships. After all, strictly speaking my eldest DD only has half siblings, her older half sister and her younger half brother and half sister.

MammaTJ - my friend had exactly the same situation. She responded "presumably you will only love one another half as much?". That was the last she heard about half brothers/sisters. I always assumed the conversation was reported back to the ExW, and she lacked a response (just my assumption though).

My DCs are half siblings- we never use the 'half'. Get your DH to treat them all equally(they are all his DCs) - at the moment he must be putting all his concentration on his eldest 2 and leaving you with his youngest- they are young enough not to have noticed this yet. He needs to start spending time with the youngest while the eldest are there and leaving you time with the eldest. At the moment he seems to have 'my'DCs and 'our' DCs instead of just 'our' DCs.

OK - I'm going to get flamed but......

Remember the children spend A LOT more time with the mums new partner than they do with you. He will be there at the nativity as he spends more time with them than you do if you only have the children every other weekend. He will be the one that hears each day how their day has gone and puts up with all the behaviours the children throw at him. He has had to build his relationship up with the children whilst building the relationship with the mother, you have built a relationship with their father whilst having the children every other weekend hence attending the nativity play. I can sympathise with you re the bad relationship that has developed between you and his exw, (for the record I have no contact with my exh partner - he doesn't want it and tbh I don't particularly either, although I have NEVER bad mouthed her to my dd, I want her to have a healthy relationship with her as she IS going to be in her life), but I don't know as you see the difference between the two relationships. (sorry if it's a bit garbled!)

Not abandoning my post, but have to go to work now!

Foslady. Totally get that and don't think you deserve a flaming in the slightest!

I wish DH got to see his kids a lot more. He is desperate to but she won't let him. She changes dates every time he is meant to see them. They went to a mediation session when getting divorce sorted out a number of years back and she agreed to letting him see them for holidays etc. He doesn't though. They don't stay for full weekends. We have them overnight once a month only. At Christmas time this year, he was informed he will be seeing them on Boxing day only for their full school holiday. DH is planning a fortnight off work and we'd love to have them for longer. Over the school summer holidays he is typically allocated a 2 or 3 night stay. She says they don't want to spend any more time with him than that. This is not true. He doesn't press the kids about it as doesn't want them to feel dusloyal totheir mother. They don't like talking about this kind of thing, go quiet and give each other weird looks. I know they are grilled every time they return from a visit about everything that is said. When they were younger they told us this. They're older and wiser now and never say anything derogatory about their mum. Believe me, we would never prompt them to be or encourage such discussions.

I don't know why he puts up with it. If they were my children, I would have tried to get things resolved via a contact order many moons ago. His view is that the kids will be able to decide for themselves one day and will want to spend more time with him off their own backs. I fear the opposite though. I think as time goes on, their diminishing contact will have a big influence on their relationship and it will get to the point when they just stop coming.

How sad, for all of you. I agree with you though, I think he should fight for more of them now. Otherwise the distance will grow and they will always think of their Dad as either weak or not interested enough to fight for them.

I'm sorry

If it's any consolation eatssleepsfeeds the kids will be getting to an age now when they will cotton on to mums behaviour.

yy to casseroles post - I think my exh is beginning to realise how precious dd's time is as he has actually asked a couple of times this year for extra time with her. Much as it hurts to hand her over, I know it's important for both of them that they have that time together.

Hope the situation resolves itself for all of you in a good way

the kids will be getting to an age now when they will cotton on to mums behaviour.

Very true. Just be there for the long term-if you make good relationships while they are with you it will pay off in the long term and they will resent what the mother has put them through. As they grow up people never like over controlling parents-as seen on here.

Could you go to a different show with DH? Our school does 6 shows over the week so you can choose henchmen is best to go!

Which*

Sorry for auto correct though how it made henchman I don't know!