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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Fiancé left me nearly 2 weeks ago, I can't cope.

55 replies

CanAnyoneHearMe · 10/12/2012 11:00

With my Fiancé 3 years, He finished the relationship 2 weeks ago.

We have a 15 month old DS and before he ended it we were TTC and I found out that I am pregnant 2 days after he walked out.

We met on Saturday so he could see DS and I tried to Beg Talk to him about getting back together. He listened and in the end he said 'I don't want to talk, You're making this harder than it needs to be for both of us' In my head I feel that this means that he still loves me or am I wrong?

I have asked him to meet me so I can talk to him alone about how I feel and to sort things out with DS but he is flat out refusing.

I am having the hardest time I have ever had in my life Hmm

I haven't stopped crying, I get 4 hours sleep at night and I am struggling to look after DS because of how much this is getting to me.

I have family support however a very close family member has fallen extremely ill so that is the focus at the moment so I don't really have anyone to talk to Hmm

My DB said that he would drop me off at his house so he would have to hear me out.

My DF has said that he will ring him and ask him himself to talk to me because of how much it is affecting me.

I am heartbroken, Devastated and see no reason to live without him.

Shall I just turn up at his house and say you need to hear me out, Shall I wait until Saturday when he picks DS up get in the car and say we need to talk?

I don't know what to do anymore Hmm I have lost all of the happiness in my life.

OP posts:
KenLeeeeeeeInnaSantaHat · 10/12/2012 11:31

I don't think speculating about another woman is really going to be helpful to the OP just now Hmm

I really do feel for you, OP, and I'm sorry you're still struggling so much. As the others have said though, nothing you've described suggests your ex may change his mind. For your own sake, you need to try & make yourself accept that so you can start to move forward. Your children need you to keep it together.

Please stop asking your family to hassle your ex. It won't help anyone. Their energy would be better spent looking after you.

FivesGoldNorks · 10/12/2012 11:32

And op I really am not going to go on about this, I promise. Please come back to the thread for the support you need. Please note though that no or has said begging him would be a good idea. If he comes back, you need to call the shots. That is the only way it could work and leave your sanity intact. But your little boy loves you unconditionally.

FivesGoldNorks · 10/12/2012 11:34

No one
Sorry

JuliaScurr · 10/12/2012 11:36

You will feel better, it won't always be like this.
Honestly.

herbsandhags.blogspot.co.uk/2012/08/the-joy-of-single-motherhood-and-why.html

SantaisBarredfromhavingStella · 10/12/2012 11:45

Agree that speculation about another woman really isn't going to help OP.
He isn't coming back so you need to get your head round that fact & think about how you can move on, family is good, a friend is better-I hope you have a girlfriend who can help you through this. Go & see your GP also to help with your feelings-you have a child who needs you so talk of not being able to carry on without this man in your life needs to stop now.

FivesGoldNorks · 10/12/2012 11:47

It does if it voices the ops fears and mkes her see that he is not worth her tears.

squeakytoy · 10/12/2012 11:52

And then the OP may transfer blame onto the other woman (IF there is one).. and find even more reason to excuse the ex and forgive him... it is pointless to speculate about something that may not be true.

SuperChristmasScrimper · 10/12/2012 11:53

No, his statement definetly doesn't mean he still loves you. It means he wants to move on and will not discuss it anymore.

FivesGoldNorks · 10/12/2012 11:54

True, good point. Either way, for noble or less than noble reasons I think we allagree he doesn't want to come back and begging will not help the op. Op, where are you? Hope you're ok.

Original poster
CanAnyoneHearMe · 10/12/2012 12:07

My family haven't done anything, Those were suggestions that they made and I turned down.

We were TTC and I had morning sickness before he left me, He said 'I would put a bet on that you are pregnant' so he had a good idea that I was.

He said that he doesn't have to pay child maintenance because he is a student, He gets child benefit and he said that he would transfer this when it came in. I haven't had anything, I had to pay for him to take our DS to a soft play centre on Saturday because he said that he didn't have any money.

I can't get over him, It's like I need him in my life to live. I can't sleep, I keep crying. Life is shit at the moment.

We did live together for 2 and a half years. I moved 300 miles away from my family because he had to do a year out from university. I had DS up there and lived there for over 2 years, We move back around family and 2 months later he ends it. I am devastated.

I have PND, Panic attacks and terrible anxiety. He left because I wasn't the girl he fell in love with anymore, I had had one counselling session.

I know I shouldn't beg but I can't help it. I just want him back, More than anything.

And yes, I am keeping the baby as we were TTC and it was very much wanted.

Thank you for your support and messages.

OP posts:
FivesGoldNorks · 10/12/2012 12:11

He can't cope with life and with anything being less that perfect. He's in for a tough ride.
I'm so sorry this is happening to you. Glad you are close to your family. What about friends?
Congratulations on your pregnancy. Your children are very lucky to have you as a mother. You'll make their lives fantastic, and should also be making sure yours is too.

RedHelenB · 10/12/2012 12:11

Actually I think it will help if she finds out he has another woman cos it gives a reason. Of all the breakups I know of, men are very reluctant to come out & say i have met someone else & I want to be with them not you.

squeakytoy · 10/12/2012 12:12

Sweetheart, you are not going to get him back. You dont need him in your life. Your child needs YOU in his life though.

You also need to get some legal advice quickly about transferring the child benefit over to yourself.

How old are you? It sounds like you are both quite young if he is a student.

Why on earth were you trying to conceive though when he is a penniless student??

I think you have to seriously consider the future without him, and let your head not your heart make the decisions. Will you be able to cope with a toddler and a pregnancy on your own, and will you be able to cope when you have had a baby.

None of us can tell you what to do, but I know what I would advise my stepdaughter if she was in your position.

FivesGoldNorks · 10/12/2012 12:13

Well if he does, I pity her. He sounds like such a catch. OP you make sure you get that child benefit from him.
Do you work? Where are you living, and how are you doing financially?

BaublesAndCuntingCarolSingers · 10/12/2012 12:14

"We were TTC and I had morning sickness before he left me, He said 'I would put a bet on that you are pregnant' so he had a good idea that I was.

He said that he doesn't have to pay child maintenance because he is a student, He gets child benefit and he said that he would transfer this when it came in. I haven't had anything, I had to pay for him to take our DS to a soft play centre on Saturday because he said that he didn't have any money."

Tell us again why you think that this man is so wonderful? Confused

This is my take on it, from what you've just said... He has being living the life if a single man whilst you have been 300 miles away, not necessarily other women, but he will have been used to doing what he wants, when he wants. Now that you and DS have moved back home, he has realised that family life is hard work and actually, isn't all that keen. He sounds like a manchild and not someone I would want to father my children. What a wankrag.

Tell me to STFU but why are you TTC when you have PND that hasn't been resolved and whilst he is a broke student. This is not an ideal situation to bring a baby into, although there are people in worse situations having babies, I know. What are you going to do with regards to this pregnancy? You haven't said.

Honestly, he sounds a toad and you're well shot of him.

BaublesAndCuntingCarolSingers · 10/12/2012 12:15

And why is he getting the CB if you are the primary carer?

Sort this out, OP. He is taking the piss.

LessMissAbs · 10/12/2012 12:17

I too am shocked at the acceptance of the behaviour of a man who has behaved appallingly. No wonder these men behave like this if people think it acceptable.

OP, you sound like you are in shock and have not fully accepted what has happened. Unfortunately you are going to have to, and you will only be able to move on with your life once you do. You have been very unlucky in meeting a man who wanted children and then changed his mind, leaving you in the lurch. But be rest assured that once you are no longer emotionally bound to this pathetic man, your life will feel so much better than before. You simply have to go through the shock before you can move onto this stage. I bet you will start to feel a little better in a couple of weeks, and then keep on improving from there!

He's even borrowing money off you. What is the point in him?!

squeakytoy · 10/12/2012 12:18

OP, I think you need to get angry rather than distraught. That is the next stage and once you get to it, you will see things a lot more clearly too.

Go to your GP, continue with the counselling. He hasnt left because YOU have changed, he has left because his in an immature unsupportive prick... and one that you can easily live without.

Pandemoniaa · 10/12/2012 12:18

I can't get over him, It's like I need him in my life to live.

You can and you will. Right now that may well seem impossible but you need to ask yourself whether you really want to devote your life to someone who was happy to ttc when he was clearly looking to end the relationship. And to end the relationship because you'd been ill with PND. That's not the behaviour of a responsible or loving partner.

MoomieAndFreddie · 10/12/2012 12:18

oh OP

i remember your other posts. he is an arse

you Don't Need Him. Please try and be strong for your DC. i know how hard it is, believe me, i have been there. but DON'T BEG.

You WILL find happiness again, i promise x

BaublesAndCuntingCarolSingers · 10/12/2012 12:19

He is getting the child benefit but OP is paying for him to take HIS OWN CHILD out?! I am getting angrier the more I think about it, and it's not even my ex!

He sounds like a Jeremy Kyle loser.

bradyismyfavouritewiseman · 10/12/2012 12:19

In that case yes he is a knobber. Will be back shortly

FivesGoldNorks · 10/12/2012 12:19

OP how serious are you about your life not being worth anyhing without him? If it's s elf pitying whine then fine, you're completley entitled to that. But if you are seriously considering suicide then please get help, fast in real life.

BoerWarKids · 10/12/2012 12:20

This man sounds like an utter shitbag. I think you're well rid OP.

As awful and heartbreaking as it seems now, you deserve so much better.

Softlysoftly · 10/12/2012 12:39

Is it possible he was controlling? He kept all the money, he moved you away from friends and family...

He seems to have created himself as the centre of your universe then fucked off leaving a gaping hole.

You need to get more counselling and you will fill that hold with your self confidence I promise!

But please tell someone in RL if you are having suicidal thoughts, you have to, imagine your DS feeling as desperately sad as you do now, do you want to be the one that does that to him?