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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not sleep with her ds

55 replies

Jalopeno · 08/12/2012 08:24

I am minding friend's ds overnight in two weeks. He is 4. Friend and her dh co-sleep with their ds. Whoever puts him to bed pretends to sleep with him until he falls asleep and then sneaks out until their own bed time later. As a result he will not go to sleep on his own.

I had their ds overnight a few months ago and I had to pretend to fall asleep with him (took half an hour or so) and then I snuck out. He kept waking so eventually I had to go to bed with him at 9.30 for fear he would wake my own dc. He tossed and turned all night so I got no sleep as I am a light sleeper. I was exhausted the following day.

Fast forward to now and I am dreading having him again. I am also pregnant and need my sleep. WIBU to tell her that I am neither sleeping nor pretending to sleep with him and she must work with him on that prior to him staying?

OP posts:

bradyismyfavouritewiseman · 08/12/2012 08:31

Tbh why did you not discuss this when you accepted.

Sometimes a child can just be told ' you must sleep on your own' and be ok. This will now put her in a position of finding someone else or canceling plans.

If I were you would dobit this time but then explain if she asks again that I could babysit but not co-sleep. And let her decide.

I would feel bad if I agreed to babysit then put stipulations on it later, which would mean she couldn't go.

Tbh not co-sleeping with him is likely to truly in less sleep for you.

I wouldn't want to sleep train a 4 year old.

HECTheHallsWithRowsAndFolly · 08/12/2012 08:33

You can certainly say it but good luck to you if you think that a 4 year old sleeping arrangement can be sorted in two weeks and on a night he's not in his own home

Realistically, you are likely to have a disturbed night and you should plan for that. Can your husband do the night shift or part of it?

Original poster

Jalopeno · 08/12/2012 08:35

Her dsis was supposed to have him but cancelled on her. She only texted me about it last night and said she was stuck. I agreed and said I would call her today so I don't think it is too late to say something.

OP posts:

bradyismyfavouritewiseman · 08/12/2012 08:38

I don't think you should have said yes if you are really going to refuse.

4 years of cosleeping is difficult to change and then to have him sleep somewhere unusual, will result in less sleep for you. Probably.

I don't know. Yanbu to say you can't look after him until he can sleep on his own. Its just the fact that you already accepted.

strumpetpumpkin · 08/12/2012 08:40

just tell her you cant do it as you cant cope with the co-sleeping

MrsTomHardy · 08/12/2012 08:40

You should've said No....
No way would I do it, especially if you're pregnant...

cafebistro · 08/12/2012 08:45

I wouldn't do it.
Be honest and explain why.
If his mother wants to have nights away from him then she should sort out his sleeping routine first.

ohforfoxsake · 08/12/2012 08:46

I wouldnt co-sleep with someone else's child, and I wouldn't want someone else to with mine. He's 4 not a baby. she can tell him he only co-sleeps with mummy and daddy but sleeps on his own at your house. You can reinforce that. Just tell him.

Make sure he had all his familiar things, his own pillow and a nightlight. Spend some time with him stroking his hair and say goodnight.

If it doesn't work then you'll know for next time.

BTW we co-sleep and my 5 yo still climbs into my bed every bloody night, but every time she's stayed with friends it's never been an issue because we've never made it one.

EggNogRules · 08/12/2012 08:59

I agree that it is ok to talk to her and tell her you have changed your mind.

Although co-sleeping wasn't for me, I think it works for some people. I don't think it's fair to the 4 yo to chnage the sleeping habits of a lifetime; nor to change within two weeks - (without the intervention of Prof Tanya Bryon).

I think it would be very difficult for co-sleepers to spend nights apart and that isn't your problem. In this case one of the parents will need to stay home.

acceptableinthe80s · 08/12/2012 09:26

YANBU but you really should have said no in the first place. My parents have this problem with my nephews who's parents have never bothered with routines/teaching their children to sleep independently hence they're up with them several times in the night which is totally exhausting for my parents. For this reason i have never had my nephews stay nor will i until they are independent sleepers, i've done my sleep training stint and i'm certainly not losing sleep for someone else's kids. Imo if you want other people to take your children overnight then it's only fair to make sure they can get to sleep by themselves.

rainrainandmorerain · 08/12/2012 09:36

YABU - it's not fair to her or the boy to say yes, then move the goalposts in such a big way. Seriously, what do you think will happen? If she can sleep train a 4 year old in 2 weeks such that he goes from co-sleeping to being happy to fall asleep on his own in a strange house, she needs to write that best selling 'How to' book. If you just decide off your own bat to change his sleep routine entirely the night he stays over, you're setting yourself up for a very sleepless night, and at at guess, quite an unhappy child.

I think it is entirely reasonable of you not to want to do it - you are pregnant, you did it before and were knackered, so fair enough. But you need to ring her and tell her now that although you said yes, you're sorry but after some thought you just don't feel up to it, knowing what it would involve.

janey68 · 08/12/2012 09:40

YANBU - I wouldn't do it either- but you should have been clear from the outset about it

bedmonster · 08/12/2012 09:44

Ywnbu to tell her you're not pretending to fall asleep with him, that's bloody ridiculous!!
However I would probably suck it up and get on with it. It's one night. And as for being pregnant, tiredness just comes with the territory!

Trifle · 08/12/2012 09:45

It's astonishing isn't it that any parent creates such a rod for their own back. My friend did this with her dd who is now 11 and still has to do it now. Consequently she has never done a sleepover.

EggNogRules · 08/12/2012 09:46

I think it is ok to change your mind within 24 hours. I am getting much better at not committing myself to anything without having a think first. Even in an emergency I would say 'let me have a think and I'll get back to you in half an hour.'

Floggingmolly · 08/12/2012 09:47

Your friend is the unreasonable one, expecting other people to have her co sleeping 4 year old overnight.

Why can't she just go out for the evening like most people?

ChasedByBees · 08/12/2012 09:55

I think it's fine to say you won't cosleep - yoy said you'd discuss it with her. I don't think there's enough time to sort this out though do if you do babysit and don't cosleep you'll have a screaming child all night so you're going to lose sleep one way or another...

thebody · 08/12/2012 10:01

No I wouldn't do it.

If he's 4 he's at school? He needs to learn how to sleep properly.

The parents can't expect you to pander to this daft routine and actually by telling her so ( in nice terms) you might do her a favour as it might force then to address the issue.

lola88 · 08/12/2012 10:20

My niece won't sleep in her own bed at home what i do when she is here is let her fall asleep in my bed then move her to her own bed later, she knows this will happen she does get up 2 or 3 times a night so i take her back to her own bed.

I tried for months to force her into sleeping on her own but it just doesn't work when it's a one off so i gave up because i was getting less sleep. If your going to babysit i think you need to accept it will be a bad night

SirBoobAlot · 08/12/2012 10:23

Wow some of these comments are really harsh!

If you don't want to look after him in the way he is looked after, then you shouldn't have said yes.

LadyIsabellasHollyWreath · 08/12/2012 10:29

And this is where the "rod for your own back" phrase comes from.

The OP had this jumped on her with no notice - she said "yes" without really thinking it through. Can you put the DS on a camp bed next to your bed so he can hold your hand but will have enough space to wriggle without waking you up?

thebody · 08/12/2012 10:31

I don't think comments are harsh. The op asked for opinions and got them.

It is a bit silly to lie to a 4 year old and pretend you are sleeping with them and then sneak out.

No wonder he can't sleep alone, he probably has trouble trusting his parents. We all do daft things with our kids at times and we all have to undo or rethink things.

That's not harsh to point out to the parent if that parent is expecting soone else to have her child overnight.

If she wasn't expecting this then fine it's no one else's business how they settle their child.

Original poster

Jalopeno · 08/12/2012 10:40

Thank you for your replies.

I am not going to cancel. She arranged this night out a month ago and her sister cancelled on her last night. In her text she said I was the only one she could ask or she will have to cancel her night. TBH I didn't feel I could say no.

It wouldn't be as much of an issue for me if it wasn't two days before Christmas.

I would not expect her to suddenly teach the child to sleep on his own but I do think perhaps she could talk to him and explain that in Jalopeno's house he must sleep in his own bed.

OP posts:

smilingthroughgrittedteeth · 08/12/2012 10:52

I don't think yabu although I wouldn't have said yes, I would have said "of course I don't mind having him but I don't feel comfortable sleeping in the same bed so you will need to tell him that he will be on a camp bed next to me"

It would then have been up to her to of said ok or have found someone else.

Can't he have a sleepover in your DCs room, even if they didn't go straight to sleep, most children are happy to amuse themselves until they start falling asleep one by one.

Or get a babysitter, surely if its a night out she will be back at some point, I'm babysitting tonight until about 2am, she has 2 weeks to find someone, most nannies I know are more than happy to babysit and would be able to get him to sleep

thebody · 08/12/2012 10:58

I think you are being very nice. I think if she wants overnights in the future then she needs to sort her routines out.

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