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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not sleep with her ds

55 replies

Jalopeno · 08/12/2012 08:24

I am minding friend's ds overnight in two weeks. He is 4. Friend and her dh co-sleep with their ds. Whoever puts him to bed pretends to sleep with him until he falls asleep and then sneaks out until their own bed time later. As a result he will not go to sleep on his own.

I had their ds overnight a few months ago and I had to pretend to fall asleep with him (took half an hour or so) and then I snuck out. He kept waking so eventually I had to go to bed with him at 9.30 for fear he would wake my own dc. He tossed and turned all night so I got no sleep as I am a light sleeper. I was exhausted the following day.

Fast forward to now and I am dreading having him again. I am also pregnant and need my sleep. WIBU to tell her that I am neither sleeping nor pretending to sleep with him and she must work with him on that prior to him staying?

OP posts:
IneedAgoldenNickname · 08/12/2012 11:02

I think your suggestion of trekking him that's not what happens in this house (both you and his mum should explain it I think) is a good idea. Could you let him have a 'special teddy' our something to sleep with? When I had a friends dd over she took my old teddy to bed as a treat.

ScarfHatSunglasses · 08/12/2012 11:03

Would he sleep on a mattress in your room? That way he's got some security and you've got some space.

kerala · 08/12/2012 11:06

I think you are being abit of a martyr sorry - the it "wouldnt be an issue if it werent two days before Christmas" mournful comment gives you away.

Say no. Even the most devoted grandparents I know will not have a child over night if it disturbs their nights sleep. Losing sleep for other peoples kids is way way beyond the call of duty unless a dire emergency eg parent going into hospital or something not a night out.

LoopsInHoops · 08/12/2012 11:06

"I would not expect her to suddenly teach the child to sleep on his own but I do think perhaps she could talk to him and explain that in Jalopeno's house he must sleep in his own bed." Not at all unreasonable. You might find there are no problems at all and he just gets on with it. Good luck. :)

Original poster
Jalopeno · 08/12/2012 11:11

I am not being a martyr Kerala. My friend is stuck and I have agreed to help her out. She would do the same for me.

OP posts:
puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE · 08/12/2012 11:14

I think she is BU to ask people to look after her child if it requires you to lie with him. Thats ridiculous. If i were you i would have said no, and told her why. This may have spurred her on to tackle his bedtime routine.

Floggingmolly · 08/12/2012 11:15

How is she "stuck"? Nobody has to make a night out last all night, you know.

kerala · 08/12/2012 11:20

I used to faff about lying down with my one year old settling took about an hour. I took DD on my own to Paris (brave!) and we stayed with French friends with 2 older children. My friend and I went out her DH babysat (after a long day at the office) I told him about our "routine" when we got back found he had totally ignored it said she had cried for a bit then gone to sleep. It broke the spell he was so right it was the jolt we needed to end our PFB ways and get our lives back.

emsyj · 08/12/2012 11:25

I agree with you OP that if you've said yes, you'll have to follow it through now - yuk. But your friend is BVU to send her DS out for overnight trips when she knows he will not sleep without someone else in bed with him. We had a period when DD wouldn't go to sleep without someone next to her, and for that time (thankfully fairly brief) we just accepted that we couldn't send her overnight to her grandparents. I would never ask someone to have DD at night without feeling confident that she would go to bed happily and sleep through the night most of the time.

GoldPlatedNineDoors · 08/12/2012 11:35

I dont eveb co sleep with my own dd so I wouldnt do it for anothers dc. However, I would have said no from the off.

What age are your dc? Could they bunk in together like a sleepover?

rainrainandmorerain · 08/12/2012 11:55

well, she can try explaining to a 4 year old that when he sleeps in your house, he sleeps alone.

But I'd be surprised if it works. So what will you do then?

I don't think it is unreasonable to decide that another parent's routines and habits are not something that you personally will use yourself. But I think you have to be honest with the parent, and give them enough time to change their mind about having you look after their dc if it is important to them that their child is looked after in a particular way. Will you be upfront with this boy's mum in advance and tell her you have no intention of co-sleeping?

McChristmasPants2012 · 08/12/2012 12:13

For me it seems simple, why don't you do a slumber party put all the kids in the same bedroom and make it a fun night.

BlueberryHill · 08/12/2012 12:23

Interesting thread, my DN has a similar problem, during the night he often wakes and either howls or howls until he sleeps with his parents. Or rather doesn't sleep. They haven't asked us to have him on his own, we have three children and enough to do without sorting out another child in the night. However the GPs have wanted to bring him over to play with his cousins, we agreed once and never again. He had difficulty sleeping, crying for his parents and MIL was up most of the night. Not fair on anyone. We now avoid him staying over, unless his parents are with him or until he sleeps properly, he is 4 1/2 yo.

Reading is back it sounds harsh, he is a lovely boy but DH and I are knackered as it is, we don't need to add to it.

I think if he stays you are stuck with his current routine until he learns to sleep properly.

AndFanjoWasHisNameO · 08/12/2012 12:36

I think some replies are rather harsh here. Yes, you are entitled to be tired when you are pregnant and yes, you are entitled to worry that you'll be shattered right on top of Christmas too when there is still lots to do Confused Could he go in with your DC or would he disturb them too? Why can't she come back for midnight?
I think you've answered on the spur of the moment (very kindly) and should certainly approach your friend-but realistically, so maybe accept that you'll have to stay with him while he drops off but YY to the camp bed next to you. You also need to plan for the fact that it could go tits up and you'll end up with him in with you.

MrsCampbellBlack · 08/12/2012 12:41

Is there any reason you can't just babysit at her house and come home when she comes home? Is she actually away for the whole night?

girlsyearapart · 08/12/2012 12:48

It's nice of you to offer to have him though the friend shouldn't really put on you like that if you're pregnant & expecting him to sleep in with you.

How pregnant are you?

AlienRefucksLooksLikeSnow · 08/12/2012 12:49

4 year olds? slumber party?? No one will get any sleep!! have tried this once myself, ended up with two of them in bed with me, they just wouldn't shut up!! it's too fun and too exciting at this age, to settle down and go to sleep, I gave in at 10.30 after putting them to bed at 8, they would've gone on all night I'm sure!

Cantbelieveitsnotbutter · 08/12/2012 12:58

My son co sleeps, I don't leave him over night as its not fair on anyone else.
I think she was being a bu to ask and you've been a bit silly to agree when you know the situation. I think it's a bit mean now changing your mind and I think she'll have the hump. So I think your options are put up and do it or tell her no and understand why she'll have the hump.
I don't think you can tell her to sort her sons sleeping for your convenience

BackforGood · 08/12/2012 13:42

She is BU, if she expects to be able to have 'nights out' that mean her child needs to sleep over somewhere else, if she's chosen to co-sleep with them.

If she were rushed into hospital or something, then obviously you would do whatever you can to help her out, but this isn't an emergency, or a necessity, it's something she'd like to be able to do, but hasn't facitlitated by teaching her child to go to sleep on their own. It's her problem, not yours. I certainly wouldn't do it, and I'd explain why.

RichManPoorManBeggarmanThief · 09/12/2012 01:58

I think you can back out now tbh but I'd just call her, say, "Look, he can stay but I cant do the whole co-sleeping shenanigan again so if he wont sleep in his own bed, I'll call you and you'll have to come and get him. Is that ok?"

You're doing her a favour, so she needs to meet your terms essentially.

I also find it quite odd that people expect other adults to co-sleep with their DC.

ChippingInAWinterWonderland · 09/12/2012 02:15

Why can't he sleep with one of your kids?

exoticfruits · 09/12/2012 07:05

I wouldn't have all this fuss about it. Just have him to stay and at bedtime explain that you are busy, you will leave the door open and you will be nearby- if he really doesn't like it give him some books and tell him to look at them until he is tired. He is 4 years old, plenty old enough to explain and know that all families are different. People co sleeping is fine if it works for them but they really can't expect it from others! It is a bit unfortunate that you did it last time and led to expectations.
You are doing her a favour so you do it on your terms. Afterwards you just tell her that you hadn't the time to faff around.

lovebunny · 09/12/2012 07:27

co-slept with my daughter. when she stayed withher grandparents, she had a single bed at the bottom of her grandparent's double, and held on to grandma's toe. seemed to work just fine!

exoticfruits · 09/12/2012 07:44

Not for the grandparent! I am very ticklish- I couldn't stand anyone hanging onto my toe! Also I am not prepared to make my toe available at a DCs bedtime! DCs are very adaptable- I would just say 'we do things differently at Grandma's house'.
For OP - a 4yr old is plenty old enough to understand that people do things differently.

lovebunny · 09/12/2012 07:58

grandma didn't mind! she loved it. she had remnants of her cosy nature left, in those days.

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