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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think what this mother has noe done twice is ridiculous, inappropriate and does not teach her DC life skills?

19 replies

SaintNiChaolas · 07/12/2012 23:02

And twice that I know of.

Acquaintance at school has an 8yo DD, who can be a little bit of a challenge.

There's a lot of girls in this year group (23/30) and relationships are quite fluid, but generally ok.

Twice this term, there have been birthday sleepovers involving brthday girl and approx 5 others that X's DD has not been invited to.

So, the solution? Mom phones the party parent to ask "why? and if there's any way to invite the DD as she's really uspet".

Surely, as a parent, you just expalin that numbers are limited, soandso could only invite so many, if there were more, you'd be on the llist, remember how we had to keep numbers tight when it was your birthday?, never mind, friendships change all the time," and on and on until the child is slightly mollified?

AIBU?

OP posts:

LynetteScavo · 07/12/2012 23:09

Ridiculous, and inappropriate, yes, but as for life skills...if it gets you what you want'....don't ask, don't get and all that.

The DC who is "a little bit of a challenge" is never going to be invited to a sleepover, unless their mother pushes for them to attend.

Personally I wouldn't dare, but hey....

threesocksfullofchocs · 07/12/2012 23:11

does the girl always get left out?

ChippingInAWinterWonderland · 07/12/2012 23:12

Perhaphs someone just needs to tell her why her Dd isn't being invited.

WorraLorraTurkey · 07/12/2012 23:13

Oh God I'm cringing just reading that...YANBU.

It seems kid's relationships have never been more micro managed by parents as they are nowadays.

All kids are challenging at times but if they if they still get invited to things because their parents have guilted someone into it, they're never going to learn to reign their behaviour in.

And that really is sad.

Original poster

SaintNiChaolas · 07/12/2012 23:14

Oh, she's not always not invited, she goes to a few.

And the 2 party parents din;t back down, just explained it was space/car issues, so it didn't get her what she wanted quite rightly.

OP posts:

ZebraInHiding · 07/12/2012 23:15

/hijack - Hey! The link things are back? On numbers in the ops post and life skills on the second post. Or am I going mad? I thought MN took them off?

Sorry for hijack!/

I do feel a bit sorry for the DD though!

Original poster

SaintNiChaolas · 07/12/2012 23:18

Why do you feel sorry for the DD?

I can't see the links things...

OP posts:

Onebadbackandalostpelvicfloor · 07/12/2012 23:20

As the parent of a child who never gets invited to play dates and never gets invited to parties I haven't quite got to the level of the mother in the op but I totally understand why she does it.

Parents are worse than the children for bullying by exclusion at times, they can be really vile.

ZebraInHiding · 07/12/2012 23:21

Well because she is obviously having trouble fitting in? And her Mum isnt helping that situation, in fact making it worse! Or am I reading it wrong? (quite possible, it has been a long day!)

WorraLorraTurkey · 07/12/2012 23:24

How is it 'bullying by exclusion'?

It's not as though the entire year group has been invited and this one child left out.

It's the birthday girl and 5 others sleeping over.

Onebadbackandalostpelvicfloor · 07/12/2012 23:25

Always the child that is excluded from the parties. Perhaps the mum is getting sick of playing the genial host to other people's children and having her child ignored in return?

Alisvolatpropiis · 07/12/2012 23:30

YANBU insofar as there is often only limited space for sleepovers or indeed a limit how many children the hosting parent is willing to have. For example my mum would never have more than two friends to stay over. The parent in charge has the right to put limits on numbers,end of.

It is a bit awkward that the mum is calling to ask why though. Just explain there's not enough room/not comfortable to have X amount of children under your charge?

ChippingInAWinterWonderland · 07/12/2012 23:48

If the kid is getting invited to some just not all the sleep overs then the stupid woman needs telling. Why should her DD get invited to them all at the expense of other kids missing out. How many sleep overs does she host

WorraLorraTurkey · 07/12/2012 23:51

Always the child that is excluded from the parties. Perhaps the mum is getting sick of playing the genial host to other people's children and having her child ignored in return?

The OP said she goes to a few and that her behaviour is a bit of a challenge.

If the child learns to reign her behaviour in, she might actually get invited to a few more.

A good life lesson imo.

Narked · 07/12/2012 23:58

So 23 - 30 girls in the year

Sleepovers = 5 plus birthday girl

This child is invited to some birthday sleepovers but if she's not her mother phones the parents to ask why and pushes for them to change their minds?

Poor girl. It sounds like her mother will be a much bigger barrier to invitations than her behaviour.

maddening · 07/12/2012 23:58

Are the invited girls part of a friendship circle /particularly normally closer friends even out of school to give the impression of real exclusion e.g. there a 6 in the group of friends and she is the only one not invited or she normally attends out of school activities with these girls?

BlackBagFestiveBorderBinLiner · 08/12/2012 00:21

DD Y1, is part of a very stable group of 5 at school and not a challenge. Sadly my DD in 15 months has never been invited by two of the parents to their homes, share rides to activities that they all do together, not told about class summer holiday meet ups....

I've been through denial, reassurence seeking, genial hosting, casual chitchat but have finally come to the conclusion since I've not been invited for class xmas drinks that the real problem is actually with me.

I'm not desperately seeking new friends but I feel sad/angry that my child is ignored out of school because of something, i know not what, to do with her parents. I suspect that X parents probably feel fustrated and in the dark. Do they feel that X been perhaps been typecast or misunderstood?

I found myself having to explain the concepts of snobbery and socialclimbing along with intellectual inferiority complex to DD. Wish they could just play together and leave the parents out of it.

Original poster

SaintNiChaolas · 08/12/2012 09:23

Onebadback, I think you misunderstand me - she's not always excluded. She just cries on the occasions she is, so mom tries to effect an invitation for her. Sadly.

Maddening, no, not really, the friendships are quite fluid. It seems to be there's always 1 or 2 obvious choices for the host on the list and thrn 2 or 3 others, depending on who's plating with who at the time.

BlackBag, its crap isn't it when the parents' behavior is on such a childish level? I hope you see some improvement.

OP posts:

carabos · 08/12/2012 09:58

This isn't a new thing. When I was a teenager 35 years ago there was a girl in our year (all girls school) whose mother behaved like this and worse.

By worse I mean as just one example, her DM rang up my DM to ask if my DM could make sure that I got on the school bus at the top of our road ( which is where her DD got on) instead of at the bottom ( which is where we lived) and sit next to her DD instead of with my friends who got on later.

When there was a party to which her DD wasn't invited, she would ring up the host parents and having had the brush off, would bring the DD anyway.

The reason why the DD had no friends was that she was filthy, had disgusting personal habits (nose picking etc), stole, picked fights and so on. The DM couldn't or wouldn't do anything about the anti-social behaviours, just expected that a group of teenage girls would accept it. Her DD had no special needs, she was just not very nice.

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