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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to leave in the first set?

102 replies

FlojoHoHoHo · 07/12/2012 22:47

Currently stood in a crowded pub. Rare babysitter paid for. DP (or whatever I should call him) is acting odd. I'm in his local for first time. I put my arms around him and he pushed me away. I have the sneaky feeling his ex is here, I've only ever seen a fb photo but she looks familiar. AIBU to leave?

OP posts:
Original poster
FlojoHoHoHo · 09/12/2012 21:16

Fut I think he does like me, just doesn't love me (which is fine, its early days). I think he is cautious of getting hurt (also fine, even tho I feel like screeching YOU are cautious, what about everything I've been thro - but I keep them thought to myself mostly )
But thanks for the compliment, I will bear it in mind!

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Original poster
FlojoHoHoHo · 09/12/2012 21:18

And I'd very much love Santa to bring me some self esteem, tho if anyone could recommend a better way of retrieving it I'd love to try. I've hunted for help programmes but there is nothing locally. As I said, I've tried anti depressants (for 12 months) but they didn't help much and made me put on 3 stone in that time which definitely doesn't help my confidence.

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Gigondas · 09/12/2012 21:19

Yes people Grow to love each other. But I have never heard that happening when they go on about their ex and reckon they should have stayed friends.

Original poster
FlojoHoHoHo · 09/12/2012 21:20

Santa I've been soul searching for the past few yrs and still haven't got it right.
I know I hate living on my own without another adult to talk to but I know I'm a nightmare to live with too.

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Gigondas · 09/12/2012 21:23

Not being in a relationship for a while would start. Did you discuss counselling with your Gp when you were prescribed the ad? Also no pill in the world (or relationship) will make you like and respect yourself.

I will have a think about help books etc.

Original poster
FlojoHoHoHo · 09/12/2012 21:23

I am most likely deluding myself. It is probably only going to end with me getting hurt but surely the longer I can deflect that the better?

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FutTheShuckUp · 09/12/2012 21:23

Go to your GP. Tell him your self confidence and self esteem is at rock bottom. Ask for a referal to therapy/counselling. In the meantime- self help books/mp3's will be a good starting point, do things for yourself, meet with friends, realise having a man, ANY man is not the be all and end all and wake up and realise being on your own is better than being with a ballbag who not only isnt in to you is still into his ex.

SantaIAmSoFuckingRock · 09/12/2012 21:24

"And I'd very much love Santa to bring me some self esteem, tho if anyone could recommend a better way of retrieving it I'd love to try."

well, i'll give you a hint. you dont get it by investing emotions and time in someone who physically pushes you away. i mean how much more of a message do you want from him? do you really need him to buy a neon sign for his head? his actions are telling you all you need to know. his words are telling you what he knows you want to hear.

Gigondas · 09/12/2012 21:25

No the longer you deflect the harder it will be

SantaIAmSoFuckingRock · 09/12/2012 21:26

no! get it over and done with now and the healing can begin. the sooner you cut out (part of) the problem (him) the sooner you will start feeling better.

Original poster
FlojoHoHoHo · 09/12/2012 21:27

Gig I was single for 18 months and before that 4 yrs. I hate being alone. I'm scared of the dark, I'm scared of spiders and I hate the loneliness in the evenings and find wkends long. I spent most of the past 18 months on holiday after holiday so that I wasn't home alone, dwelling. I try to keep busy and initially saw DP as one more evening a wk chalked off where I wasn't alone, but I was kidding myself that I could handle that emotional side of things.

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Gigondas · 09/12/2012 21:30

That is very sad - counselling will help about why you feel like this and find ways to contain it. I don't mean to sound hard as I have had my share of twat partner too so I can empathise about the making excuses not to be alone.

SantaIAmSoFuckingRock · 09/12/2012 21:31

ok so do you work? i'm guessing the dcs are away at weekends? you have friends? you have money (i'm assuming you do if you have holiday after holiday) get into a course or evening class. start meeting people as friends. get out of your house. schedule 1 or 2 evenings a week to be on a course or gym class or something. weekends, catch up with friends, family, your dcs if they are there.

come on flo, you are about to start a new year, make a fantastic new years promise to yourself. end this mess you are in and make a promise to do one new thing for yourself that is not designed to end up in a romantic relationship. jsut do it for yourself.

Original poster
FlojoHoHoHo · 09/12/2012 21:33

If only that were true. I know if I end it, I'll be so terribly lonely.
I spoke to a woman (gp referral) about things but I got the impression she had more important people to see, with real problems so I didn't go again. I asked her for a CBT referral but she didn't seem to want to give me one and told me there was a 2 yr waiting list. I asked to go private, as I'm that desperate not to geek like this, for my DCs sake mainly, and I was told there wasnt any Confused
I spoke to the HV and asked for extra support and she never got back to me, that was 12 months ago. I took the DCs to the children's centre to try to socialise and no one else turned up and the woman on the desk told me DS was 4 months to old for the group, even tho no one else turned up.

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apostrophethesnowman · 09/12/2012 21:34

Oh Flojo, you really don't get it do you?

You refer to him as DP, yet he literally pused you away from a public demonstration of affection. He keeps you away from his son. He tells you he would be with his ex if she would have him. He wishes you would have just stayed friends.

He's not the one for you. He doesn't appear to see the relationship in the same way that you do.

He's really not your DP.

You're trying to pretend to yourself that things are going to work out, but you must know, deep-down, that they won't.

I think you're delaying the inevitable.

Alisvolatpropiis · 09/12/2012 21:35

Has this bloke recently come out of the relationship with his ex?

It may be a waste of time to invest your emotions in this man,it might not.

I met my DP shortly after a very emotionally fraught relationship of his ended. It was not easy going initially. Four years on I can only say how glad I am that I stuck with him. He's a wonderful man,he loves me,I love him, we are happy together.

3 months is very new in relationship terms. I think your issues Op are not necessarily related to this specific man at all but previous men/yourself (no judgement there,we all have our bug bears). Consider them separately to him.

Original poster
FlojoHoHoHo · 09/12/2012 21:36

I do work, that helps a lot but my contract is up in July (school) so uncertain times ahead.
I did look into enrolling on a degree in the evenings but they had nothing I could do and ended up enrolling on an online degree instead, which doesn't get me out but it does help pass a few hrs in the evening.

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Original poster
FlojoHoHoHo · 09/12/2012 21:37

I joined a babysitting agency which scares me somewhat! With a view to doing something in the evening zumba or some class but haven't sorted that yet.

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Original poster
FlojoHoHoHo · 09/12/2012 21:41

snowman I do use the term DP loosely, as I put in brackets.
Ali he's been on his own for many yrs, this ex was more of a fleeting fancy than an emotional investment.

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SantaIAmSoFuckingRock · 09/12/2012 21:45

ok so choose 1 thing that you ARE going to sort. just one. rome wasn't built in a day, every journey begins with a first step blah de blah (you get the idea)

just pick one thing that you are going to sort and not just forget about because you called and the person you needed to speak to was on their lunch. ring back and get it confirmed that you will be doing X, starting on X date, find out what equipment you need, get excited about starting, maybe get a friend to start with you or even just to encourage you (or even post a thread here so we can all shimmy you along!)

ivykaty44 · 09/12/2012 21:45

So is the issue your relationship or being on your own - if it is being on your own then your relationship probably will never work whoever you are with - sorry Sad

sort out the being on your own bit and you will find hopefully that your relationship will work - but not with the chap you are with now - unless you just want to keep him to sleep with as a sex buddy.

Original poster
FlojoHoHoHo · 09/12/2012 21:48

ivy in an ideal world, but I can't cut the wires between sex and emotions.

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Original poster
FlojoHoHoHo · 09/12/2012 21:51

santa I guess doing something that helps with the weight would be a good start.
I joined WW a yr ago but when I had a bad couple of weeks I felt I couldn't go back and that was that, maybe I should give that another go.

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FutTheShuckUp · 09/12/2012 21:53

Ive been to WW's, failed and gone back more times than the average person has hot dinners.
I was planning on going back after xmas if you need any virtual support

SantaIAmSoFuckingRock · 09/12/2012 21:55

you sound quite like me. yes go back, it doesn't matter that you haven't been in ages and it wont matter if you go for 8 weeks then have 3 weeks off, you can still go back. you can keep going back again and again no matter how many breaks you have. just because you had a break doesn't mean you've failed.