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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to leave in the first set?

102 replies

FlojoHoHoHo · 07/12/2012 22:47

Currently stood in a crowded pub. Rare babysitter paid for. DP (or whatever I should call him) is acting odd. I'm in his local for first time. I put my arms around him and he pushed me away. I have the sneaky feeling his ex is here, I've only ever seen a fb photo but she looks familiar. AIBU to leave?

OP posts:
FurryDogMother · 08/12/2012 17:21

Definitely dump him - the early stages of a relationship are when he should be MOST into you, and it really sounds as though he isn't. You deserve better, and all the time you're with this guy, you're not getting out there and meeting the one who IS right for you. Move on!

Original poster
FlojoHoHoHo · 09/12/2012 19:20

So, he rang and apologised, said he didnt mean to make me feel like that. Said he didn't know why he pushed me away, said it had nothing to do with ex as she wasn't there at that point. So the saga continues.

OP posts:
ShipwreckedAndUnderTheTree · 09/12/2012 19:31

Yes...but what about the comments he made that left you feeling second best?? Surely that is the main issue and it isn't resolved, is it??

Original poster
FlojoHoHoHo · 09/12/2012 19:45

He said he didn't mean to make me feel second best and he's sorry. However he didn't say I wasnt second choice either, but I have been told off by MNers for picking holes in things just because DP doesn't use the exact terminology I want to hear, so I'm trying to learn not to be such a control freak and demand answers.

OP posts:
bradyismyfavouritewiseman · 09/12/2012 19:54

Seriously?

What do you want to do? Do you want to be with him and miserable?

Or do you think you would rather be single?

He told you, you were second best.

You can either carry on or finish it.

Personally I would finish it. Give him some time to get over her and you some time to work on your self esteem.

Because, as AF said, you will be back here in a couple of weeks with a similar thing.

Perhaps neither of you are ready for a relationship.
This is the bit that's meant to be fun.

Original poster
FlojoHoHoHo · 09/12/2012 19:57

It is fun...most of the time, I guess that's the thing with MN most of the time people come when they have a problem rather than hey life is great.
I am so terrible at relationships that I try to glean as much info for MNers as possible so as not to over react all the time.

OP posts:
Original poster
FlojoHoHoHo · 09/12/2012 20:00

He also said that night (muttered more to himself than me) "I wish we had just stayed friends, I knew it'd be a mistake moving thing on" which is when I left.
I asked him straight out if he wanted to just be friends and if 'seeing each other' was too much. He said at that exact moment that's how he felt but generally no, he was happy seeing me.

OP posts:
bradyismyfavouritewiseman · 09/12/2012 20:02

the problem is we only see that incident.

What I know so far is he didn't want you to come on a day put with his so , which resulted in you having a go and then thinking he was you going dump you. Then this and that you have said before you don't see alot of each other because he is with his son alot.

It may be amazing the rest of the time. But it sounds like hard work.

I really think you need to consider if you are ready for a relationship. That's my advice. Take it or don't but I hope it gets better for you.

GothAnneGeddes · 09/12/2012 20:09

The saga does not have to continue, you're an adult, not a puppet.

I suspect you think drama is better then being alone. You're wrong and tbh, you're not 15 so you should be over this crap.

Either you have a relationship with someone who treats you well, or wait til you find someone who can.

"The saga continues" - you sound daft and full of your own romantic drama. Be better than that.

FutTheShuckUp · 09/12/2012 20:10

Sounds like you lap up any crumbs he is willing to chuck you- its embarrasing

Original poster
FlojoHoHoHo · 09/12/2012 20:18

Yes it is better than being alone.
I know I should sound all independent and "I'm not alone, I have DCs" but after 6 yrs of being alone, it didn't get any better or easier. Every day is a struggle. I have come off the anti depressants, I feel generally happier in the relationship but I am very much prone to over reacting and having melt downs at the slightest hint of rejection. Albeit behind closed doors when the DCs are in bed.
I wish I knew what happened to that strong independent 20 odd year old. I spent the last few yrs trying to find her and failing miserably.

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AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 09/12/2012 20:25

Come on love, your self respect is still in there somewhere

Grab it and run

apostrophethesnowman · 09/12/2012 20:26

You sound very desperate to have A man. It's not an attractive feature so you will attract the wrong type of man.

You really need to realise that it's not good for you to be in a relationship just for the sake of not being alone. You do you and your children a great disservice.

Honestly, you sound like a teenager rather than a grown adult woman.

Original poster
FlojoHoHoHo · 09/12/2012 20:30

A teenager? When I was a teenager I didn't give a shit about stuff like this, any sniff of the run around and I was out of there and having drinks with the next one by friday night. It's only in the past 7 yrs I've taken a step back and a long hard look in the mirror and wondered why I can't seem to shake off this feeling of loniless and worthlessness, and believe me I've tried.

OP posts:
Original poster
FlojoHoHoHo · 09/12/2012 20:34

DP isn't a bad un, I've met bad uns before and DP is a good man, but I get the feeling he's just not that in to me, yes there are blips of misery (caused by my over sensitiveness) but generally there are lots of highs too. If I leave now would I look back and think maybe I didn't give him chance to fall in love with me?
(and I guess the main bit I left out was, I've been burning this candle, albeit inconsistently, for 13 yrs).

OP posts:
AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 09/12/2012 20:35

oh dear

Gigondas · 09/12/2012 20:38

There is little point posting as you are intent on defending this under guise of asking for advice.
And please op take some time out to take care of yourself - it really shouldn't be this hard in a relationship especially early on.
But I suspect I am wasting my breath and predict another thread before Xmas.

FutTheShuckUp · 09/12/2012 20:45

FFS.
I despair.
Your love life or lack of it should I say.

SantaIAmSoFuckingRock · 09/12/2012 20:47
Hmm

why do you bother posting here?

DontmindifIdo · 09/12/2012 20:59

OP - I'm sure he's a nice bloke, I'm sure you're ready for a commited relationship, but it doesn't sound like either of you are in the right 'place' to make this work right now.

He can simply be a great man who just doesn't love you as much as you would like. That doesn't make him a 'bad un' but it could mean this relationship is a 'bad un'.

Original poster
FlojoHoHoHo · 09/12/2012 21:04

Dont but maybe over time, we will both be in the right place together?
Maybe if I accepted it for what it is and learn to relax and enjoy? Isn't that where the issue lies?
I can't be in a serious relationship, I'm useless at them, I'm one of these ppl that just want to be loved and then when I get it I either suffocate with insecurities or push them away because I'm convinced they'll go anyway.
If I can learn to relax, have fun and stop trying to control which direction its in?

OP posts:
Alliwantisaroomsomewhere · 09/12/2012 21:06

You are being a fool, OP.

Original poster
FlojoHoHoHo · 09/12/2012 21:07

18 months ago, I posted on MN about my ex, I was told he was a cock lodger and to leave the bastard, to grow a back bone and I'd be happier. I took the advice, I left him, I never regretted it. But it never got easier.

OP posts:
FutTheShuckUp · 09/12/2012 21:09

You really do come across as a totally delluded fool with every post.
Please write a letter to Santa asking for some self esteem and respect for christmas.
The begining of a relationship should be fun filled, exciting and you should be feeling you are with someone who really likes you. Not hoping eventually they will.

SantaIAmSoFuckingRock · 09/12/2012 21:14

OP you need to be on your own. build your self esteem up (it sounds like it's at rock bottom TBH), get a really good understanding of who you are and what you want from life/partners and build up your confidence so that when you have the opportunity of someone you dont want, you recognise it and reject it. you wont be able to do this while you are still hanging onto this scrap of a 'relationship'