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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to leave in the first set?

102 replies

FlojoHoHoHo · 07/12/2012 22:47

Currently stood in a crowded pub. Rare babysitter paid for. DP (or whatever I should call him) is acting odd. I'm in his local for first time. I put my arms around him and he pushed me away. I have the sneaky feeling his ex is here, I've only ever seen a fb photo but she looks familiar. AIBU to leave?

OP posts:
minibmw2010 · 08/12/2012 07:49

Well it couldn't be much clearer that it's the ex he wants to be with. What are you going to do?

bradyismyfavouritewiseman · 08/12/2012 07:50

You get different advice, because we are all different and handle things differently

I know you are struggling sweetie. New relationships should be fun and it doesn't seem you are having any.

Were you both drinking? Will you get chance to discuss it today?

Tll him clearly you will not be in a relationship where you are second best.

minibmw2010 · 08/12/2012 07:51

Would happily spend Xmas on my own if the alternative was unhappiness .. Did it years ago because I was single and didn't have time fly home as I had to work between Xmas and NY and it was fine !! It really was. I ate what I wanted, drank what unwanted and watched whatever TV I wanted Grin

strumpetpumpkin · 08/12/2012 07:54

you're not being unreasonable. I'm sorry you're being treated like this. please don't waste any more time with him x

Original poster
FlojoHoHoHo · 08/12/2012 07:59

He was drinking, I was driving. Part of me thinks, I like him, I've been happier these past couple of months than in a long time and I should fight for him, its early days and he's confused and if I hang in there he'll realise its me he wants and the other part is screaming wake up and smell the coffee, hes just not that in to u, run! And fgs I aren't alone I have 2 beautiful DCs to spend xmas and new yr with!

OP posts:
Original poster
FlojoHoHoHo · 08/12/2012 08:00

I aren't ..... that's what my DS always says and I correct him, don't tell me he got from me all along Grin damn my peter kay accent!

OP posts:
ShipwreckedAndComatose · 08/12/2012 08:01

Being alone at Christmas is a state of mind and not the same as being lonely at Christmas.

I'd rather be alone at Christmas than in a relationship that made me feel like you do.

I think you should try to focus on why you are so scared to be on your own that you would put up with this.

HoHoHokeyCokeyPigInAPokey · 08/12/2012 08:05

Don't waste your precious time on someone who is making you feel like second choice already.

It won't change and will continue to make you feel insecure.

You deserve to be with someone who loves you as much as you love them.

Gigondas · 08/12/2012 08:08

There is nothing to fight for as I doubt that he is going to become more interested in you or see the light. Ditch him before he does even more damage to your mental well being. It's never good when a relationship make you paranoid and overthink anything.

HECTheHallsWithRowsAndFolly · 08/12/2012 08:10

So he's only with you because she doesn't want him?

Nice.

And that's enough for you?

ShipwreckedAndComatose · 08/12/2012 08:13

I think the change in advice came after you said he had actually suggested to you that he still likes ex and that you are second choice.

People are reacting to that, not what happened in the pub.

Original poster
FlojoHoHoHo · 08/12/2012 08:36

I guess when he said she doesn't want me so its not relevant, I wanted him to say don't be silly, you've imagined it and something along the lines of its u I want.
But maybe I'm just picking holes in things.

OP posts:
TheSecondComing · 08/12/2012 08:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HECTheHallsWithRowsAndFolly · 08/12/2012 08:49

TSC is right. He has straight out told you that you are second choice.

don't settle for being anyone's consolation prize.

ChocolateTeacup · 08/12/2012 10:05

Ignore what I said in light of what he said, its completely different kettle of fish! Please don't chase after him knowing you are second best. You should find someone who loves you because you are the first prize

BoneyBackJefferson · 08/12/2012 12:19

Just ask yourself
Do I really want to be treated like this all the time?

re the different responses, its due to some people having read the other threads that you have posted.

SantaIAmSoFuckingRock · 08/12/2012 12:33

flo

stop depending on MN for a definitive answer on what you should do in YOUR relationship. i dont mean that to sound harsh. i mean that there are so many people here, all with different life experiences and tolerance levels and none of them are in your relationship so cant know what happened, what he's feeling, what you're feeling etc.

my bst advice is to really really listen to your gut. your gut knows what you need to do, it is that constant nagging feeling that keeps raising it's head and you keep trying to suppress. listen to it. forget about being alone at xmas or valentines day or how pissed off he might be or how much you dont wnat to lose him. listen to that gut and you will make the right decision for you. you already know what it's telling you. you will look back in years to comes and say "i knew al along".

DontmindifIdo · 08/12/2012 12:48

My advice, dump him, if it's "meant to be" then when he's got his head together and got over his ex, your relationship might have a chance, but right now, she's always going to be "the one that got away".

Relationships shouldn't be this difficult 3 months in. If you stay with him to avoid being single at Christmas/New Year/Valentines day, then you'll have a crap Christmas/New Year/Valentines day will you deal with all this angst. And valentines day is a long time away, you might well be attached by then to someone who doesn't fuck with your head.

Iamsparklyknickers · 08/12/2012 13:08

The fact he either can't or doesn't feel the need not to hide the fact he's still attached to his ex would make me seriously review the whole thing.

The whole thing about Christmas is a red herring, you are (to some extent) in control of how you react. You could focus on making sure you're in a relationship, or you could focus on enjoying everything and everyone that already has a place in your life and embracing the new year.

RedHelenB · 08/12/2012 13:26

You're accepting second best so will have to live with it. Personally I would rather rely on myself but if you can't exist without a man then accept he would rasther be with his ex & make sure you don't meet her again!!!

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 08/12/2012 13:27

what DontmindifIdo said

....alternatively, start another thread in a week or two about what a shit he is being to you, and ask for advice that you don't take

manticlimactic · 08/12/2012 13:29

"its not relevant, she doesn't want me so it doesn't matter"

My reply to that would have been " that makes two of us"and gone.

manticlimactic · 08/12/2012 13:33

I was in this situation a few years ago. Didn't really want to spend Christmas alone so thought I would ride it out. It was the worst Christmas ever. I'd have been much better on my own. I was thinking like you. But then Christmas is over then it's New year. And you can't finish with them at new year. Then before where you know it it's Valentines day and then their birthday...where does it end?

I finished with him in between and started a new year afresh. Best thing I did

HaphazardTophat · 08/12/2012 13:51

I would end the relationship. He's obviously still got strong feelings for his ex if he physically pushed you away from him in her presence.

If they recently split you may be the rebound relationship, if they split a considerable amount of time ago his feelings are still way to strong for her and he has to much emotional baggage over her.

For your own sake, confidence and self respect don't invest anymore time or feelings in this man. You are not a consolation prize.

ilovesooty · 08/12/2012 16:09

He couldn't have been clearer. I think you should find some self respect and stop being a doormat. You're only second best if you allow yourself to be.