For not be a very social mother when I have an only child and she needs friends to play with ?

[ShiftLD]

I´m not very good at small talks or arrange play times to my 3 years old daughter. I really try to go on in a instant friend mother but I can´t continue to the point of having lunch togheter or spending times in each others house, she is a strange after all. What should I do, change my personality (after 40 years) and create more oportunities to my daughter play after school or create other oportunities like....what?

If you don't like the chatting, going to others houses but want your child to mix then there are play groups and nurseries. Or join activities ( dance, gym, music, sports, art etc) so your daughter is mixing and doing but you'll feel like there's a reason to be there and not just coffee and cake.

If you arent accustomes to socialising, do you have any spare income for her to go eveb part time to a nursery or CMs? Im sure at that age they get 15hours free a week. Bit of social time for her and a chance to.meet other.mums breifly a the gates?

Really don't worry about it.

I don't even know when parents felt compelled to engineer 'playdates' and manipulate their children's social life.

It was virtually unheard of til probably the late 80's/early 90's.

Before that, parents had better things to worry about and just let kids make friends when they started school and were old enough to go to their friend's house for tea.

My parents certainly never got involved in all of that and nor did my friends parents either.

Most kids make their own friends in their own time.

Yes, she goes to nursery and I talk eventually with other mums, but I fell very incorfortable about invitations to go to play times at their home (or self invitation to go to mine, yes happened), we just met ! I need to find a way to socialize more my DD (nursery is only 2:30h) in a way that don´t fell so bothered...

And, what to do on holidays that don´t involve have a cup of tea with strangers to my DD have some fun ?

If you chatted to the they parents more they wouldn't be strangers! Would potentially be nice for your DD if you made more of an effort socially in case she starts to pick up on it (sounds like you are socially anxious?)

Or just take her to loads of organised 'drop and run' type activities. Art, miltisports, music etc.

Do you have any friends with small children? Family? Do you have a DP and if so does he have anyone he socialises with who has kids?

Agree with worra. Also, you can pretty much guarantee that whoever you get along with best, your dd will loathe their child and vice versa!

I spent a fair bit of time not socialising when my dd was little. We dud things together and I loved her company and frankly, they will go to school and 'socialise' soon enough. It hasnt done mine any harm; she's perfectly adept at making friends.

If anything, she is discerning because she knows full well that her own company can be great, so she doesn't feel the need to collect liAds of mates.

Please don't worry! I think this frenetic socialising is a little overrated personally.

We are not from London, so, no family around. Our friends at the moment or are single or have older children. There are some children on the same block as us, but, should I invite then and their parents? It is so uncorfortable think of receiving in my home a person that I never met to have a "cup of tea" ... Yes, maybe I´m socially anxious, how can I fix it???

I've got an only dd and I'm quite shy.

I'd say don't worry about it at this age. Enrol her in pre-school or nursery and maybe do an activity or two or just take her to the park, soft play etc where there are other dc.

When mine started school i found it easier to just ask people if they were going to the park after school - sort of more low key, rather than asking people round to our house.

When she gets older she'll force you into it. Reception was quite quiet but by year 1 mine was demanding friends came home for tea. Fortunately by then they come without their parents, so you can just leave a note in their book bag asking if they'd like to come to tea and the mum text's you to arrange. Most people are deilghted that their dc has been asked.

But no I don't think you need to ask strangers round to your house. Just take her out and about a bit.

I'm quite anti-social in respect of other parents, my daughter now attends school and my 'ways' have had little impact, she's sociable and popular. Her personality has dictated that. If you see it becoming a problem when your child starts school, you can tackle it I guess.

Can you use your 15 hours free nursery? I'd say that would be more than enough socialising for her.

I have the same issue so I take my only DD to the local soft play. She has fun and there is no pressure on me to socialise with the other mothers there. I just grab a cup of tea and watch her play or help her play.

I'm an unsociable parent of a sociable only child, 4yo. Playdates are the norm where I am and for the sake of my DD I really had to suck it up and grit my teeth last year. Now she's made her friends (and the parents know me and I know them) she goes on playdates alone and her friends come over unaccompanied. I am so glad I put in the effort last year now. Interestingly I get on with her friends' parents though I still prefer my own company.

Put in the effort now OP and soon, once she turns 4, you won't be needed!

Oh, and how I cope with having a relative stranger over for a cup of tea whilst our DC play - ask loads of questions, be interested in their answers as most people are actually quite interesting if you pay attention.

Thank you, really thank you. Before this thread I felt like I was the only not so social parent around, I fell much more confortable now! Thank you!!

I think it is important to be sociable, it sets a good example to your child and means they have friends to play with. At 3 you can do the first time with the parent and then make it clear you are happy for them to come back later to pick the child up.

Sometimes it's a bit crap but we all do certain things so are child will benefit, don't we?

Yeah you should make an effort here for the sake of your dc imo but probably if she goes to nursery that will be emough til she starts school - at that point I think it is important to host paydates but for now safe to relax as long as you act friendly and relaxed with strangers - you dont want your dc to be nervous of people after all

I don't think it matters too much until she starts school, but when she does you should make a bit of an effort. I have an only, and I did go and chat to my ds's friends parents, so that they would feel comfortable letting their kids come to ours for tea etc.
I felt it was important because with no siblings he did need to make friends.
I have a friend who kind of went out of her way not to be sociable with school parents and her only son, now 12, has had trouble becoming part of a social group.
Maybe that is just his personality, but I think if you see that your parent can deal with others, it's easier for you to follow suit.
I don't socialise a lot with other parents-I know the ones I need to know enough now to have a brief friendly chat etc when I pick ds up from their houses, and now he is kind of in charge of his own social life.
It mught do you some good too, to meet people and become less anxious about it. Everyone is really in the same boat, with the same insecurities-some people just hide it better than others!

You must be slightly sociable to be getting invites - I go and chat at baby groups but get no invites.

I agree that at this age your DD will be fine. However, future possible concerns are:

1. that if her friends have parents who are more sociable than you she may inadvertently get more left out than the others - ie if the families mix together, etc

2. She's going to learn heaps from your example - is this a trait you want to pass on?

It will be easier when your dd starts making her own friends. Then you can let your dd have time with her friends and while the parents do something else, so you only have to chat to the children.