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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to care about sleeping arrangements at sleepover

86 replies

Dromedary · 06/12/2012 03:13

I think I probably am being unreasonable, so have said nothing to the mother in question, but just to check...
My DD, age 7, was invited to a sleepover at another little girl's house. This was fixed about 2 weeks ahead. I know the family reasonably well and it is a single mother all female household. The little girl has bunk beds in her room.
I obviously assumed that she and my DD would be sharing the bunk beds. But apparently the friend spent the night sharing mum's bed in mum's room and the vacant bunk bed was occupied by the ex-partner, who I have never met or heard about and didn't know would be there.
Am I out of order to have felt unhappy about this when my DD mentioned it?

OP posts:

KindleMum · 06/12/2012 12:26

I can't believe you feel the need to doubt yourself on this! Yes, ask your friend calmly about it and bear in mind that children aren't always 100% clear so it might be slightly different to what you were told but it's hard to see how your daughter could be significantly wrong on this and it's shocking. What was the mother thinking?

It's completely unacceptable and, as someone else said, it shows such a lack of sense and judgement that I wouldn't want my child there without me even for a playdate.

I would also wonder about the exP - it shows a worrying lack of judgement on his part - most men nowadays (heck, my dad wouldn't have done this 40 years ago!) would have the sense to realise that this would be frowned up on and could leave them vulnerable to false accusations. The fact that he did it would concern me - he's either very very naive or at worst, someone "grooming" kids by slowly doing this kind of thing and gaining their trust as harmless.

You need to discuss this with her, as the next parent who encounters this could well go ape.

Original poster

Dromedary · 06/12/2012 12:37

I could ask my DD for more information, but am reluctant to make a bigger deal out of it for her, and she may not remember the details anyway.
I am sure that she will have been telling the truth - she just doesn't make things up in that way. She didn't make a big deal of it, just mentioned it in passing. And when I asked about touching mentioned the tickling game.
I have also remembered that the mum did once mention the existence of the daughter's dad, so he is a real person!
My DD is very confident and has had a good few happy sleepovers - highly unlikely that she would have asked for an adult to share the room.
I now think that the bunk beds are maybe there to cater for the dad or other guests to sleep over - so in lieu of a spare room.
I'm not sure whether the mum didn't mention this to me because she feels guilty about it, or whether she just doesn't think it worth mentioning. She had an unusual childhood herself and comes from an unusual family (I would say in a good way), and may see things differently from others.

OP posts:

ChippingInAWinterWonderland · 06/12/2012 12:38

PurpleCrayon - report to the school?! FGS.

Dromedary It is not a different 'readership' it is an entirely different situation. As for this situation, I would find it a little bit odd, but without knowing how it came about I wouldn't be jumping up and down about it. For all we know, he could have gone in to settle his DD, fallen asleep and she went to find her Mum instead.

PatButchersEarring · 06/12/2012 13:05

Drome.

I am a pretty relaxed parent, but I cannot believe how flippant you are being about this.

You are making excuses for this incident and for your friend's behaviour.

However 'unusual' your friend's upbringing was, to allow this to happen and then not even mention it is totally unacceptable.

..and for the ex-P to be playing 'tickling games' with a little girl who he has never met before and does not know the parents of (let alone ends up sharing bunk beds with)?? A completely unacceptable crossing of boundaries.

If that was my DD, I would have a 'polite' word with the mum, along the lines of 'Have to ask you something- DD says that she ended up sharing the bunk bed with ex-P when she was at yours. Did she?'. If the answer is yes, I would let the mum know in no uncertain terms that you aren't comfortable with it.

But either which way- I'm afraid my DD would not enter that house again- let alone for a 'sleepover'.

A 'responsible' adult who shows such a total lack of judgement would not be left in charge of my DC's under any circumstances.

CarlingBlackMabel · 06/12/2012 13:13

It may be a differnt readership to your dorm / transgender thread, but it sounds like a completely different situation! This wasn't a dorm, it was a self-contained bedroom.

I would actually mention it to the mother. Tell her that you were surprised to hear what had happened and not altogether comfortable with the arrangement she engineered.

And sorry to introduce a horrible thought, but at least if you mention it you will re-assure yourself that the mother had in fact planned this and not put her ex on the sofa from whence he migrated.

It is a startlingly weird thing to do, to let a grown man a visiting child has never met before share a bedroom with her.

tempnameswap · 06/12/2012 13:27

This is a really odd set up OP and I really think you should mention it to the mother. She at least should know that this is not normally how people organise a sleepover!

However unconventional her childhood, it is madness to put a grown man in a small child's bedroom - for all concerned. I am sensitive to the dynamics even of having my (kind, reliable) DH take a young friend of dd's (8) home in the car at night - DD would go too if we didn't know the family really well so it wasn't awkward for the friend, or unnerving for the parents. And I don't think I am an over-cautious person.

Sleepovers are for the friends to sleep together, not for random ex partners to join the bedroom of a young girl he has never met.

Please mention it!

SallyBeth · 06/12/2012 13:28

Yes, because every man is a pedophile, that should never be alone with a young girl ever, and no woman has ever abused a child.

I actually find this whole conversation pretty hysterical and sexist tbh.

tempnameswap · 06/12/2012 13:38

That is not what the thread is suggesting SallyBeth. It is suggesting that this is an odd way to run a sleepover and leaves the ex partner in a difficult position too. Of course not every man is a paedophile but you cannot deny that a 7 year old girl sleeping in a strange house in a room with an unknown adult male is in a vulnerable position? Shouting 'political correctness gone mad!' doesn't make it any more acceptable. The mother needs to know that this shouldn't be repeated.

afussyphase · 06/12/2012 13:40

I agree it's not acceptable but like SallyBeth I do wonder how much our reactions would differ if it was a woman a child had never met sharing the bunk with her. I like to think I'd be almost as unhappy whether the unknown adult was male or female! But in reality, I guess the fact that the vast majority of sex offences are committed by men shapes our instincts, although it really does not mean that men are more than a teensy eensy bit more likely to be offenders ... (since so few people overall are offenders, if you see what I mean). Anyway - YANBU. You should talk to your friend about it. And maybe say that you think it's weird to let any adult not known to you or DD (man or woman!) sleep in the same room as her.

CaptainVonTrapp · 06/12/2012 13:41

I find your post hysterical SallyBeth. No one suggested anything of the sort.

This is about a 7 year old girl who was supposed to be having a sleepover with a friend but ended up sleeping with a total stranger. The op has never even met this man and didn't know he was going to be there.

socharlotte · 06/12/2012 13:42

YANBU
Speak to the girl's mum as a priority!

Santasapunkatheart · 06/12/2012 13:46

No one in their right mind would let a seven year old girl share a bunk bed with a stranger, male or female. No one suggested anything resembling paedophilia - this is putting a vulnerable child in an uncertain position. I would have been terrified as a seven year old!

elfyrespect · 06/12/2012 13:47

I'd at least say 'Oh, I hear young dromedary ended up having a sleepover with your Ex instead of her friend'.

I'm sure she does trust him implicitly. But it's also about your DD being in a situation where she might feel lonely / uncomfortable.

NatashaBee · 06/12/2012 13:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

shrimponastick · 06/12/2012 13:57

Firstly you need to speak to the mum, to clarify exactly what happened.

I would be v unhappy if this were my DS.

Floggingmolly · 06/12/2012 14:02

I'm sure she does trust him implicitly. Maybe she does, but op doesn't, she doesn't even know him. It wasn't the other mum's call to make.

Mumsyblouse · 06/12/2012 14:09

Sally not remotely hysterical, it is not socially normal for a child to share a bedroom with an unknown (to the parents, not met even once) adult regardless of sex. I wouldn't invite a child round to my house and then put in one of my mates in the same room! It just isn't usual, and for that reason, I would question it. I might question it MORE if it were a man in the room precisely because most men are pretty sensitive to keeping their behaviour very straightforward and transparent with young children, given the general hysteria, and so it is even odder they would ignore this social convention.

If I sent a child to a sleepover (which I wouldn't), I would expect them to be in with the other child, end of!

forbiddenfruit85 · 06/12/2012 14:17

Ok the bunk bed sharing is odd. But I would get the whole story before jumping to conclusions.

But seriously! I hate that in this day and age just because he tickled his dd and her friend then that automatically makes him a pedophile. Some of you need to get a grip.

Get the full story first. End of.

Bonsoir · 06/12/2012 14:24

I am stunned that your DD didn't kick up a massive fuss and ask to go home.

tempnameswap · 06/12/2012 14:29

It issue isn't about 'conclusions' though. It is unlikely anything happened but the point is, this is the wrong way to deal with a sleepover for everyone's sake. Odd and potentially a bit uncomfortable for I would guess 90% of 7 year olds, odd and potentially very complicated for the ex-partner, and odd and unnerving for the OP. I am as likely as the next person to find OTT the controls in schools on touching/hugging pupils. But they are there for a reason. - to protect the vulnerable (both pupils and teachers). This is not a hysterical thread at all, no one is saying there was abuse but it remains that this is not a normal way of organising a sleepover!

burntfishfingers · 06/12/2012 14:34

YANBU. that is appalling, how is it a sleepover with friend when they weren't in same room. a stranger sharing a room with your dd is not acceptable at all. he is probably fine but on the other hand if he is not fine pedophiles are particularly devious when it comes to getting access to children like manipulating a situation where they might end up sharing a room with a child.
the mother must be really stupid to thnk that would be ok.

Original poster

Dromedary · 06/12/2012 14:52

Some people think I am worrying too much and others that I am being far too relaxed! I don't think that he harmed my DD. I have never asked her before about whether an adult has touched her, but felt that this was a weird situation and a bit of an alarm bell went off for me, which was why I asked her in as low key a way as possible, and then let the thing go as she expressed no concerns. I don't anticipate that she will see him again, so I'm not going to get too worried at the possibility that he might have been starting to groom her (he probably wasn't anyway).
I will try to steel myself to asking the mother about it in a low-key way.
My DD is confident and easy-going, and not the kind to make a fuss when she is staying at someone's house.

OP posts:

socharlotte · 06/12/2012 14:56

I imagine what happened was the friend got up in the night to go into her parents bed and the guy, sick of being kicked or pushed out of teh bed, decamped to the only free bed.It does not diminish the fact that it was innapropriate.

Witchety · 06/12/2012 15:02

Just to add out experience...

My dd was filmed by a discreet mobile phone whilst in the shower at a friends sleepover...

The effects of that have been very very far reaching. Think on everyone! Don't want to scare monger but it happens.... And you would never know..

Original poster

Dromedary · 06/12/2012 15:17

How awful.
My sister also had a bad experience. She was a member of a babysitting group which obviously collapsed when a father in the group was arrested for child sex abuse. The parents were talked to by the police to try to determine whether their particular children were victims.

OP posts:

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