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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to care about sleeping arrangements at sleepover

86 replies

Dromedary · 06/12/2012 03:13

I think I probably am being unreasonable, so have said nothing to the mother in question, but just to check...
My DD, age 7, was invited to a sleepover at another little girl's house. This was fixed about 2 weeks ahead. I know the family reasonably well and it is a single mother all female household. The little girl has bunk beds in her room.
I obviously assumed that she and my DD would be sharing the bunk beds. But apparently the friend spent the night sharing mum's bed in mum's room and the vacant bunk bed was occupied by the ex-partner, who I have never met or heard about and didn't know would be there.
Am I out of order to have felt unhappy about this when my DD mentioned it?

OP posts:
LoopsInHoops · 06/12/2012 08:28

Nope, not unreasonable to be upset at all.

ENormaSnob · 06/12/2012 08:28

Yanbu

I would be very very angry about this.

valiumredhead · 06/12/2012 08:29

MInd you - that wouldn't have made any difference in the OP's case so that was unhelpful!

MammaTJ · 06/12/2012 08:30

I am fairly relaxed as a parent and I would not be happy about this.

When I was married to my ExH, his DD then our DD would ask to have friends over. I had no problems with this. There was one rule though, as I work nights, they were not allowed sleepovers when I was working.

As much for ExH benefit as the girls. All it would take is one girl to make one comment and his reputation would be ruined. The same rules will now apply as DD2 starts having sleepovers.

Wishfulmakeupping · 06/12/2012 08:31

Agree with the other posters about calling the mum up- think you need to find out for sure then say something OP this is not right

Helltotheno · 06/12/2012 08:43

Even at 9, my DD very rarely does sleepovers because she doesn't deal well with the tiredness next day. Even the very odd time she does them, I know the parent extremely well.

Don't go the sleepover route unless you know the parent well enough to ask directly about the sleeping arrangements, who'll be in the house, and basically ensure you know exactly what you're getting into etc. I'd say seven is too young in all honesty...

catgirl1976geesealaying · 06/12/2012 08:44

YANBU

That just sounds odd

diddl · 06/12/2012 08:51

Was it done deliberately like that or did they swap in the night whilst your daughter was asleep?

Unless the girl was ill I can´t think why she was in her mothers bed tbh.

Isn´t the point of a sleep over that you are with friends??

Ruined reputations due to sleepovers & no mum there??

My daughter had a birthday sleepover & I had to go to UK at short notice.

Never occurred to us to cancel or even mention that I wouldn´t be there.

CheungFun · 06/12/2012 08:54

YANBU I'm really shocked that anyone would think this was a good idea Shock

valiumredhead · 06/12/2012 08:56

diddl presumably your other half didn't sleep in the same set of bunk beds as visiting child though?

MammaTJ · 06/12/2012 09:04

No diddl due to a possible comment from a young girl!! Not just due to me not being there. Just covering arses! Grin

diddl · 06/12/2012 09:12

No, the girls all slept downstairs.

I think I would only find it OK if the girl had gone in to her mum in the night.

But then I would wonder why not the sofa?

Maybe the guy just didn´t think that being in the same room would be too bad as they had a bed each.

But if it was planned that way I would think it odd.

Mumsyblouse · 06/12/2012 09:30

This is why I just don't do sleepovers for my primary age children, at all, ever. I know who is coming into my house but sleeping at someone else's is a really vulnerable thing to do (even just in terms of being a bit scared of the dark) and whilst you may know the immediate family, they might have friends stay over/people wandering about, I just don't feel ok with it.

I am happy for them to sleep over with their grandparents obviously, but not other families, I didn't do sleepovers as a child til I was about 15!

Floggingmolly · 06/12/2012 09:32

It still doesn't work if the other girl just woke in the night and wanted her mum.
Where was the exp until then? In the mum's bed? Unlikely.
If he was on the sofa, why wouldn't he stay there instead of monitoring bed usage through the night to see if one came free?

Blu · 06/12/2012 09:35

Why do you think you are being unreasonable? Or out of order? Confused

InLoveWithDavidTennant · 06/12/2012 09:37
Shock
BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 06/12/2012 09:38

Good god, YANBU.

I actually think it is quite outrageous and would not be letting my DC sleep over again and I would be explaining my reasons to the mother.

PlateSpinningAtAllTimes · 06/12/2012 09:41

Agree with Floggingmolly. I think you need to ask your friend about what happened to hear her reasons, but I wouldn't want to risk DD staying there again. Very odd. YANB at all U.

diddl · 06/12/2012 10:55

I missed the ex bit, sorry!

So if it´s the Dad, why couldn´t he & his daughter share the bed & mother in with OPs daughter?

I´d have to know how/why it panned out like that tbh.

And she wouldn´t be staying again.

ThereGoesTheYear · 06/12/2012 11:22

YANBU. Totally inappropriate. I'd ask the mother to explain what happened, and let her know that you think it's not appropriate. I'd allow no more sleepovers after this.

Original poster
Dromedary · 06/12/2012 11:54

I'm not happy about it. At the end of the day, I had no idea there would even be a man in the house at all. Then occurred to me that she has had sleepovers with other families where there is a DH. Nothing to stop the DH going into the child's room or guest room in the night. Basically, you have no control over what happens in someone else's house.
The mum did not tell me that the ex-P would be or had been there. Even though I dropped in on them at 8pm (boring reason), at which point he wasn't there.
I haven't mentioned it because it is done now, and my DD is good friends with the other girl and it would be a shame to mess up that friendship. I also like the mother, though this has put me off somewhat. I think I will either avoid future sleepovers or mention my concern if she is invited again, and say that |I would prefer things to be different this time. Presumably she knows the ex-P very well and had no concerns.

It did disturb me that I felt I had to ask my DD if he had touched her, and she realised what I was getting at, due to recent low key discussion brought on by Jimmy Saville situation. She said that he had tickled both girls, but mainly his daughter. She showed no concern herself, and enjoyed the sleepover.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dromedary · 06/12/2012 12:01

NB I commented on another post about being unhappy about the possibility of a pre-op male to female transgender person staying in a women's single sex youth hostel dorm (complicated story) and got criticised loads for it, so have been feeling a bit vulnerable to people thinking I am exaggerating the risk of children sharing a sleeping space with men. A different readership on this thread though.

OP posts:
Turniphead1 · 06/12/2012 12:05

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

redskyatnight · 06/12/2012 12:15

I know you want to leave it but I just find the whole thing bizarre. Have you said anything to the friend's mum about it -even casually along the lines of "did the girls actually get much sleep or were they all up talking all night?".

The whole point of a sleepover is that you sleep with your friend.
If the ex-p wasn't there at 8pm what time did he turn up?
I can't imagine an adult (male or female) choosing to sleep in a bunk bed with an unknown child out of choice.
Was your DD frightened and wanted an adult with her?
Is is possible that ex-p was never there at all and the whole thing is an elaborate "ghost story"?

purplecrayon · 06/12/2012 12:25

I'd check with the mum what happened and then I would report that to the school. Serious error of judgement by adults in the house