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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it so bad to ask someone to take off their shoes in your home?

562 replies

BlueVernis · 05/12/2012 11:58

As huge row has broken out between my sister inlaw (SIL) and myself, after I asked her to take of her shoes when she came to my house!
She came over with a few other inlaws late one night as they were passing by. It was raining outside and we have carpet in our living room, which is quite new. Also, my kids like to play on the living room carpet.
My SIL came in and I asked her if she could take her shoes off. She told me that it was a hassle to take of her shoes. I just looked at her and said in a half joke-half serious way that I would have to get some kitchen roll and wipe her shoes then. Then I left her in the hallway and went to the kitchen to put the kettle on.
A few minutes later I heard her screaming at DH in the hallway, saying that I insulted her by not allowing her into my home and I have no right to ask her to take her shoes off as she is the older SIL. She rang my MIL and was going on and on that I had insulted her etc.
She then went outside, shouting and yelling (I'm sure the neighbours loved it!) and sat in the car and refused to come in.
I'm fuming with her behaviour as I don't think my request was wrong. I have been brought up to take off my shoes in other people's homes, and I even make my kids do the same, whether the house they go to are carpeted or laminated.
Was I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Mumofthreeteens · 05/12/2012 15:08

Shoes off in our house. All my friends expect the same.

Janeatthebarre · 05/12/2012 15:09

LadyClarice Neither I nor any of my friends ask if we need to take our shoes off in other people's houses. Does that make us all 'terminally socially unwired'??

LadyClariceCannockMonty · 05/12/2012 15:14

Jane, I used that phrase in relation to one particular person.

But IME, which is the only one I have, people always ask if they need to remove their shoes or not.

And IMO, which is the only one I can give, it IS a bit insensitive/unaware to not even think to ask 'Shoes on or off?' when you go to someone's house for the first time and don't know what they like to do/if they have any rules.

weegiemum · 05/12/2012 15:19

I can't remove my shoes.

I have a disability that has given me numb hands and feet. I get intense pain as well. One of the only things that helps is wearing tightly laced shoes or trainers.

At home, I change into what are known as "mums slipper trainers". But I don't carry them about as 1) I can't carry them and use my walking aids and 2) it's actually rather embarrassing that I can't tie laces any more - dh has to do it for me and to be honest I'm humiliated enough by my mobility problems without making it worse :(

marchwillsoonbehere · 05/12/2012 15:19

Well I wasn't being wholly serious Clarice and appreciate that you weren't either, but my point holds that you don't have to be rude or in any way weird not to offer to take your shoes off when you go to someone's house, and ime the opposite is true. Takes all sorts eh?

But fwiw if someone offered, my outward response would be they should so whatever they wanted, but inwardly I would prefer that they didn't...better a muddy carpet than someoen's manky feet any day of the week!

Janeatthebarre · 05/12/2012 15:20

To be honest, if someone was calling to my house for the first time and took their shoes off or even asked if they should, I would think it very unusual.

LadyClariceCannockMonty · 05/12/2012 15:26

Jane, fine, in your experience. Mine's different. That's all. But I will say that I think asking about taking shoes off is less weird than just taking them off without asking. I completely see people's points that that could be construed as a bit 'familiar' or forward.

march, I think I'd prefer manky feet to a muddy carpet/floor. Then again I don't find feet manky generally, and don't know (as least I don't THINK I know) anyone with manky ones Smile.

elfycat · 05/12/2012 15:30

My PIL and SIL have the shoes off rule in their house (I then get grief of MIL that my bare feet leave footprints on her high gloss wood floor).

We don't have that rule and have mainly wooden floors. We've just put down tiles in the hallway so we can drag the pushchairs in without making a carpet filthy, and without worrying about shoes. MIL then proceeded to stand in the doorway changing into her slippers while my ever-increasingly-expensive heating poured out. If she does that again there may be a profanity in my next sentence (not the DDs are there mind you).

expatinscotland · 05/12/2012 15:30

She over-reacted, but I think it's rude to ask people to take their shoes off.

TwinklingWonderland · 05/12/2012 15:30

Yanbu. I ask people to do the same, there's often dog sh#t in the road and mud etc and I'd prefer to keep it off the carpet.

fairyqueen · 05/12/2012 15:31

If I take my shoes (and therefore orthotics) off I will start hobbling. My feet getting cold will make matters worse and I will be in pain before I leave. HOWEVER, I would explain and apologise profusely, and comply if given no option. I certainly wouldn't throw a hissy fit. But on a good day you wouldn't know I had mobility problems until I took my shoes off!

EasilyBored · 05/12/2012 15:37

Why are people leaving the front door open while they change their shoes? Come into hallway, close door, change shoes/take shoes off etc.

fairy if you simply said to me, I've got orthotics in or just an 'I need to keep them on', I would not blink. Of course you need to keep your shoes on.

georgie22 · 05/12/2012 15:47

Why can't people just wipe their feet on a doormat? I would never ask people to take their shoes off in our house. If I had muddy or snowy shoes obviously I would take my shoes off before going into both our house and other people's homes but otherwise not.
Think your sil was being over dramatic though!!

FunBagFreddie · 05/12/2012 15:51

How is asking people to remove their shoes U? If you've walked outside you're bringing dirt into the house, even if you haven't walked far and you've wiped your feet. I always ask people if I should remove my shoes as a matter of courtesy.

Your SIL is very rude and she sounds like a right nutter. The whole incident says more about her then it does about you!

YANBU

SantaIAmSoFuckingRock · 05/12/2012 16:01

i think sweden, norway, japan etc all must have large hallways as standard for the no shoes culture to work. i have a tiny hallway, the door opens and the stairs start about a foot from the edge of the door when open full and the hall is only the width of the front door, you are straight into the living room off the hall. there is space for the dcs to take a stair each and sit down to take shoes off while i stand (after shimmying round to close the front door) and do it but it wouldn't work with 2 adults, definitely would mean someone standing outside waiting and if it's raining that's not on as i have no little pointy roof bit, it would also mean all the heat getting out of the house as the living room door would have to remain open as i couldn't go in the living room and leave my guests to tip over get their shoes off in the hall. bringing the shopping in from the car is a bit of a pain as i have to come right into the house to take the dog into the back hall (so he doesn't eat the food i leave in) before i go back out to get the shopping, by that point i'm already in, in my shoes so might aswell traipse the shopping through the living room to the kitchen. i try to bring it in and leave it on the sofa and get the dcs to start carrying it through but even then i'm still having to go in with my shoes on. ah well, the house is perfect otherwise so cant complain about having nowhere to take shoes off really. we take them off the rest of the time.

TheNightwearBeforeChristmas · 05/12/2012 16:02

YANBU.

It's your house and your SIL should respect that. What a ridiculous reaction, she sounds very immature.

If it was raining then why would anyone keep their soggy shoes on? It's not comfortable.
Where I am now, it's the norm to remove shoes when entering someones' house.

quesadilla · 05/12/2012 16:24

She totally over-reacted. It is a tad precious, imho, to ask someone to take shoes off but it is your house and your call. Most reasonable people would have just done it without question. Sounds like she is a handful...

mrskeithrichards · 05/12/2012 16:40

I've been pondering this throughout the day and it's not black and white.

In general dh, ds's and I are in socks or slippers in the house.

When good, proper friends come round for an evening of wine and chat I love the fact they are comfortable enough in my home to kick of their shoes and curl up on my sofa.

If a neighbour popped in for a coffee and took their shoes off I'd think they were odd.

When family pop round it depends. Today it's dry and my mum came in for a bit and didn't take her shoes off. When we've had family round off an evening it's quite common for them to slip their shoes off during the course of that night.

I'm the same at parents and in laws. If I'm just there for a quick visit I'll not bother taking my shoes off, if it's a longer visit I probably will at some point.

If someone stood and made me take my shoes off at the door I'd think them an arsehole.

mrskeithrichards · 05/12/2012 16:42

Although wet shoes would come off generally and I'll always wipe my feet on the way into someone's house.

shushpenfold · 05/12/2012 16:46

I think your SIL sounds like a complete twonk...however, I DO think YABU for asking for shoes off with adults....if shoes are dirty the majority of people would take them off (and if they don't and then tramp mud in go for their necks!)

I have a friend who does this and it's the running joke among a large group of people...she would be mortified if she knew just how f'd off people were when she asked.

VonHerrBurton · 05/12/2012 16:51

Fgs WE AREN'T LIVING IN JAPAN, NORWAY OR WHEREVER ELSE THOUGH!!

Therefore why use that as 'proof that it's right' to remove shoes? If I was in a country where there was no grey area, I would remove my shoes, as I would know that's the done thing there.

MissCellania · 05/12/2012 16:55

It's the done thing in a lot of peoples houses in the UK too, why be accomodating on a national level but ignorant and rude on a personal one?

usualsuspect3 · 05/12/2012 17:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MissCellania · 05/12/2012 17:05

I'm sure they'll be pleased. Good way to weed out those with no manners.

VonHerrBurton · 05/12/2012 17:11

I can assure you MissC, that my friends, family and I are far from 'rude and ignorant' by not removing non dirty shoes when we enter eachother's homes, thanks for the sweeping statement.

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