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Original poster

Is it so bad to ask someone to take off their shoes in your home?

562 replies

BlueVernis · 05/12/2012 11:58

As huge row has broken out between my sister inlaw (SIL) and myself, after I asked her to take of her shoes when she came to my house!
She came over with a few other inlaws late one night as they were passing by. It was raining outside and we have carpet in our living room, which is quite new. Also, my kids like to play on the living room carpet.
My SIL came in and I asked her if she could take her shoes off. She told me that it was a hassle to take of her shoes. I just looked at her and said in a half joke-half serious way that I would have to get some kitchen roll and wipe her shoes then. Then I left her in the hallway and went to the kitchen to put the kettle on.
A few minutes later I heard her screaming at DH in the hallway, saying that I insulted her by not allowing her into my home and I have no right to ask her to take her shoes off as she is the older SIL. She rang my MIL and was going on and on that I had insulted her etc.
She then went outside, shouting and yelling (I'm sure the neighbours loved it!) and sat in the car and refused to come in.
I'm fuming with her behaviour as I don't think my request was wrong. I have been brought up to take off my shoes in other people's homes, and I even make my kids do the same, whether the house they go to are carpeted or laminated.
Was I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
GreenShadow · 05/12/2012 14:08

We are shoes free here, but when older family members come they tend to keep theirs on and we don't argue.
I find most 'younger' families do shoe-free (by which I mean under 60ish)

Children automatically take their shoes off in other peoples houses (they wouldn't want to wear shoes in a house anyway - far more uncomfortable) and near enough 100% of children visiting here automatically take their shoes off.

But - if I am visiting a friends house I'll offer to take my shoes off, but am often relieved if they say 'no, don't worry'. It can be very cold without shoes on (slippers at home).

GreenShadow · 05/12/2012 14:10

Interestingly EasilyBored, it's the opposite here. Never even occurs to me that germs might be walked in. It's just to keep the carpets looking clean.

IsaXMASbelleRinging · 05/12/2012 14:10

Any person with manners would offer to take their shoes off in someones house, especially when you can see they have expensive light coloured carpets and a shoe rack by the door. You are the visitor in someone elses home so be respectuful or don't visit them.

If you live in a house where everyone wears their outdoor shoes inside then the floors are filthy. Who wants to live in a house with dirty floors? I know my dd's feet are always black when she returns from playing at some peoples houses where they wear shoes inside. It is horrible.

Carry some light shoes or slippers in your bag if yu don't want to go barefut at someone elses house!

HairyGrotter · 05/12/2012 14:11

I've never really thought about the whole 'shoe' thing. If I'm required to take them off, so be it, no skin off my nose. No rules in my gaff, on or off, whatever suits you.

Your SIL is fucking loony, cracking reaction, I'd have laughed in her face then demanded she take off her socks too so I could stuff them in her mouth to silence the mental banshee.

Ephiny · 05/12/2012 14:15

I'm not precious about the carpets - we have dogs after all (though I do wipe their paws after a wet/muddy walk!). It just seems weird to me not to take your shoes off when you come through the door, it's like not taking off your outdoor coat. I wouldn't insist a visitor took theirs off, but I would find it strange.

Also aside from the germs, surely most home carpets (unlike the ones in offices etc) are not designed to be walked on with outdoor shoes.

ethelb · 05/12/2012 14:15

"but I also think it's very bad for someone to come to a house and not be immediately aware of the customs within it!"

How would they be immeidately aware of the customs within it?

That's what annoys me about shoes-off'ers. They are so sure of their out righteousness that they seem to think everyone else must obviously know what they want/be telepathic.

It's that attitude that pisses me off. I don't mind taking my shoes off but its the whole 'why did you even need to ask' attitude that gives others waves of rightous anger in this situation.

Janeatthebarre · 05/12/2012 14:16

I'm amazed that so many people would automatically take their shoes off in someone's house or would find it strange if someone walked into their house with shoes on. I can't think of anyone who automatically takes their shoes off in my house (apart from the kids) or who expects people to take their shoes off when visiting them.

Ephiny · 05/12/2012 14:18

It's always the same on these threads though, everyone is convinced that what they do is normal and right, and the other way is wrong and bizarre :)

LRDtheFeministDude · 05/12/2012 14:18

Isa, if you came to my house and kicked your shoes off, I would think you were slightly rude.

I wouldn't hugely care, and I would assume it was how you'd been brought up, but I'd find it hard to shake my habitual response that kicking your shoes off in public is inconsiderate and smelly.

Sorry.

LadyInDisguise · 05/12/2012 14:18

Different issues there.
1- Taking shoes off - as lots of people have said, not an issue as such especially because it was raining that day (so muddy/dirty shoes were highly likely)
2- Reaction of your SIL???? Saying that you have insulted her? Unless there is something there on a cultural pov (she is the older sister so you should defer to her??? or It is considered very rude in her own culture to take shoes off at someone else's house??)
3- You say that you have been told that for cultural/religious reason, people should take their shoes off in your DH's family. So why why did she feel insulted? I get the feeling that something is missing there. What is your DH saying about it?

EasilyBored · 05/12/2012 14:20

We don't have carpet, so the floor is easy to clean, and I imagine I might be a bit less cringey about it when DS is past the stage of putting everything in his mouth and trying to lick the floor.

I would just see what others were doing when I went round to someone's house - and follow their lead. If someone didn't take theirs off when they came round to mine (after watching me do it), I would just ask them nicely if they minded (and make a joke about my baby's need to lick All The Things).

Marzipanface · 05/12/2012 14:21

Totally over the top reaction from your sister in law.

We take our shoes off in this house.

whois · 05/12/2012 14:24

I grew up in a shoes off house.

Mum wasn't v precious about stuff but it really cuts down on the cleaning required of you have a shoes off and a no eating outside the kitchen rule!

No wonder people have to Hoover every day of they wear outside shoes inside.

I wear my shoes inside now as the flat has hard wood floors. And athefloors get way dirtier than they would of I changed at the door.

If I had a nice shoes off house I would want casual friends and family to take them off. Hosting a party or a dinner or something I would expect people to keep them on.

Nancy66 · 05/12/2012 14:24

I'd rather risk a bit of mud and dog turd than look at people's skanky feet

Catsdontcare · 05/12/2012 14:30

I like people to take there shoes off and always do when I go to other people's. if I had hard wood or tiles throughout I wouldn't care but our carpets at quite new.

Catsdontcare · 05/12/2012 14:32

I don't like to ask people though so anyone who doesn't do it automatically kind of gets invited to sit in the kitchen! It's easier if they come with kids cause I can say all smiley to the little ones "oh you can put your shoes just there" which generally encourages the adults to take theirs off too!

LadyClariceCannockMonty · 05/12/2012 14:36

I find that almost everyone except for the terminally socially unwired like DP's best friend asks 'Shoes off?' when they come into my house (possibly because we have piles of shoes on a rack in the hallway). My answer is always 'If you like, but it's not mandatory' but most people elect to take them off, and I can't imagine anyone refusing point-blank if I was to ask them to. Similarly I always ask/follow the local form/obey orders in other people's houses, even if it's different to my ideas. Isn't that just basic good manners?

marchwillsoonbehere · 05/12/2012 14:46

Isn't that just basic good manners?

Well, yes, but it's hardly the height of good manners to refer to people who don't offer to whip their shoes off at the door as terminally socially unwired...especially as there is enough evidence on here that some people hold the opposite view..i.e that it's weird to start taking your kit off unbidden as if you owned the place!

Yes it really is weird how this subject polarises people but my view is of course the correct one

Quenelle · 05/12/2012 14:47

'Overreaction' is the understatement of the year.

I am frequently amazed when I read on here about people screaming and shouting at others and storming off.

I can't actually think what situation might induce me to do that.

Perhaps if I found DH in bed with somebody else, or a visitor daubed QUENELLE LOVES AINSLEY HARRIOTT'S PERCY PEPPER in red paint on my living room wall...

mrslaughan · 05/12/2012 14:52

We as a family have a shoe free house...... However i don't insit on it with guests - but we have hard floors, not cream carpet.
You didn't insst, you asked nicely (it seems) , you made a joke
Your SIL is a precious princess, and to be honest , just for her reaction i would not back diwn, she is being ridiculous. It is proably how she keeps her whole family revolving around her, and i would not buy into it.
You didn't ask her to leave, she chose to, she also chose to ring your MIL "to tell on you" - how old is she 5? My 5 year old behaves that way i ignore it and do not back down

Ephiny · 05/12/2012 14:55

"I am frequently amazed when I read on here about people screaming and shouting at others and storming off. " - me too. Do adults actually do that in real life? I think I would laugh if someone did in front of me.

snuffaluffagus · 05/12/2012 14:56

I always take my shoes off when going indoors (at my own place or other people's). I wouldn't dream of walking dirty shoes over someone else's carpets, it wouldn't occur to me to keep them on if you see what I mean, so I sort of expect my mates and family to do the same when they visit me too.. And they do really, I've never had to ask them to!

Janeatthebarre · 05/12/2012 14:57

What about in Summer if people aren't wearing socks or tights? The thought of people walking about my house in bare feet is a bit Ugh! Especially on a very hot day. Yuk.

LadyClariceCannockMonty · 05/12/2012 15:06

march, this particular individual IS terminally socially unwired, in many ways additional to and more important than the shoe-taking-off issue. My point was that this exceptionally unaware person is just that ? an exception ? and that others, in my own experience, don't hesitate to ask if they need to take their shoes off.

Cat98 · 05/12/2012 15:07

Our house is shoes off, it's how I was brought up and I don't like outdoor shoes worn indoors, particularly upstairs/in bedrooms!
That said, I don't ask visitors outright to take their shoes off (strangely enough only my mum and brothers as I feel comfortable enough around them!) because I feel it's a bit rude, but I do cringe inwardly if they go upstairs in their outdoor shoes!

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