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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it so bad to ask someone to take off their shoes in your home?

562 replies

BlueVernis · 05/12/2012 11:58

As huge row has broken out between my sister inlaw (SIL) and myself, after I asked her to take of her shoes when she came to my house!
She came over with a few other inlaws late one night as they were passing by. It was raining outside and we have carpet in our living room, which is quite new. Also, my kids like to play on the living room carpet.
My SIL came in and I asked her if she could take her shoes off. She told me that it was a hassle to take of her shoes. I just looked at her and said in a half joke-half serious way that I would have to get some kitchen roll and wipe her shoes then. Then I left her in the hallway and went to the kitchen to put the kettle on.
A few minutes later I heard her screaming at DH in the hallway, saying that I insulted her by not allowing her into my home and I have no right to ask her to take her shoes off as she is the older SIL. She rang my MIL and was going on and on that I had insulted her etc.
She then went outside, shouting and yelling (I'm sure the neighbours loved it!) and sat in the car and refused to come in.
I'm fuming with her behaviour as I don't think my request was wrong. I have been brought up to take off my shoes in other people's homes, and I even make my kids do the same, whether the house they go to are carpeted or laminated.
Was I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
AnneofGreenFables · 05/12/2012 13:18

I think there's always so much divided opinion on this, that it's ridiculous to say this or that is 'rude' (with a few notable exceptions - your SIL being one OP!). Everyone has different family/ friend traditions.

I was brought up shoes-optional. We usually remove ours for comfort but I would never insist that someone did unless they were mucky (but people usually volunteer IME in that instance).

I always ask when visiting friends/ family members and would generally copy what the hosts were doing. If asked, I would always remove.

I probably wouldn't remove them instinctively at a party or if I was only popping in for 5 minutes. It does always feel slightly familiar though, like opening someone's fridge or flicking through the TV channels, so I would feel uncomfortable if it was someone's house I didn't know well. Would still ask though.

Really dislike the idea of anyone being 'judged' on it. If it's important and someone doesn't do it, then ask. But it's not fair to judge because as these threads show, people have been brought up differently on this so there's no universal "it's rude "

Grin
goingupinfairylights · 05/12/2012 13:19

Most people who come to our house take shoes off, I don't generally have to ask - I think it's good manners to take them off but then I lived in asia for a few years.

I ask my DS's school friends to take them off mind as they are normally coated and they all hurtle upstairs.

Bunbaker · 05/12/2012 13:20

My hairdresser has just been to do my hair. When she arrived she took off her boots and put on a pair of slippers. Sensible lady.

ethelb · 05/12/2012 13:22

Its fine to ask someone to take their shoes off in your house. I get v cold feet and have a nasty skin condition on my feet but I can cope and so can everyone else.

However, it is very rude to bark and someone who dares to come into your house with shoes on and give them a lecture on how disgusting wearing shoes in-doors is as some people do seem to do.

Plus, you need to have a big enough area for people to remove shoes in. I hate quing up outside while everyone takes their shoes off and piles them up, makign the shoes dirties, inside the door on the carpet anyway.

ooer · 05/12/2012 13:26

On the other hand, seriously, a rift between family members is not nice. Would you rather be "right" or would you rather have a harmonious family? (I struggle with this one in daily life! )

Can you say to SIL you're sorry she wasn't aware that's what you do in your house, and you didn't think it was that big a deal to remove shoes on going into someone's home?

Janeatthebarre · 05/12/2012 13:31

I wouldn't ask people to take their shoes off if they were visiting -even though I never wear shoes around my house myself. You could really embarass people if they have a hole in their tights/non matching socks on under their boots or whatever.

However, if I was asked to remove my shoes in someone's house I certainly wouldn't make a ridiculous scene.

I think you were both at fault, but your SIL definitely more so.

EugenesAxeChoppedDownANiceTree · 05/12/2012 13:32

It's such a hard one - we have inherited cream carpets but have laminate in the hallway.

Personally I think it's really bad form to ask (although I probably would ask children up to about age 16)... but I also think it's very bad for someone to come to a house and not be immediately aware of the customs within it! Even if being aware wasn't going to make her take off her shoes, she could have said 'Sorry - would you mind terribly if I didn't take off my shoes?'

I think going on about it was unreasonable on her part.

ooer · 05/12/2012 13:34

LRDTheFeminist - oh dear! I have never claimed my feet don't smell - only because I never gave it a thought! I'm sure you are right, they probably do.

Two seconds of my probably-cheesy-feet-smell versus inflicting my dirty shoes on other people's homes. No, sorry, the slippers ballet pumps actually still win.

Janeatthebarre · 05/12/2012 13:35

They might not only be dirty, but shoes on wooden floors can damage them as well as causing an annoyance to any downstairs neighbours. (Quote

If you have downstairs neighbours it is v v inconsiderate to install wooden floors.

LRDtheFeministDude · 05/12/2012 13:35
Grin

Fair enough ooer.

I guess what I'm getting at is, there's a load of reasons why/why not to take shoes off and the most important thing IMO is that host and guest should both be considerate of each other.

And not throw a blooming strop like the OP's SIL!

Narked · 05/12/2012 13:36

It doesn't really matter if you were being unreasonable or not when she went ballistic about it, phoned your MIL to complain and ended up sitting in the car outside refusing to come in. It's like debating whether it's unreasonable not to expect your friend to pay for half the tip at dinner when they went on to moon the waiter.

LRDtheFeministDude · 05/12/2012 13:37

(Btw, I will admit I have a specific person in mind, who always insists on 'popping in' after she's been on her feet all day shopping, removing her shoes to the most foul smell, and piously insisting she'd 'never dream' of not taking her shoes off when we urge her to keep them on and not worry about our floors! But I guess whatever you do, there's always someone who is completely unaware of what they're making you suffer ...)

ooer · 05/12/2012 13:37

With you on that LRDtheFeminist

LRDtheFeministDude · 05/12/2012 13:37
Smile
jennymac · 05/12/2012 13:41

I don't wear shoes in my own house generally but that is more for comfort than anything else and I always change into slippers or slipper socks. It would never occur to me to take off my shoes in a friend's house though (unless it was a good friend and I was going to be there for hours, with my feet up on the sofa maybe). I would find it a bit weird walking around a mate's house in my socks especially if I'd only called in for a coffee. Plus, in the winter, unless you are in a carpeted room, your feet can get pretty cold without shoes and I wouldn't fancy wearing someone else's slippers. Similarly, I have never asked anyone to remove their shoes in my house and if I did, I think my friends would think me a bit precious!

popcornpaws · 05/12/2012 13:45

Shoes off in the winter/wet weather, and as I live in Scotland, that will be all the time! No way do I want mess on my floors from outdoor shoes.

Mominatrix · 05/12/2012 13:48

Shoes off in my house - it is the way I was raised based on the culture my parents grew up in (plus they had cream carpets...), where it is the height of rudeness to wear shoes inside a house.

I think it is rude NOT to take your shoes off in someone's house if that is their custom. I have slippers in a variety of sizes in the entrance for guests not to feel uncomfortable on the hard-wood floor in stockinged feet (not artisanal Wink) and disposable shoe covers for tradesmen who have to keep shoes on for health and safety.

SuiGeneris · 05/12/2012 13:51

I hate having to take my shoes off in other people's houses but your SIL vastly overreacted.

She was a guest so should have just complied with your request.

silvercup · 05/12/2012 13:54

YANBU.

I was brought up in a shoes-off household - my mother has a phobia of people tracking dog shit in (and as they live right by a park it's not an unjustified phobia imo.) Our home is shoes off too.

But at the end of the day, it doesn't really matter what anybody else does, what your SIL does in her own home. This was YOUR home and as such, she should respect your wishes. Asking her to take her shoes off was hardly unreasonable and she sounds slightly unhinged tbh.

bellarose2011 · 05/12/2012 13:56

I have a strictly no shoe policy in the. house, i had no idea that anyone would find this insulting, why?
I just don't understand why anyone would want all the filth from outside on there carpet? Especially with crawling babies around.

I do think your sil reaction is completely barmy, i would't worry she has made a fool of herself.

LadyHarrietdeSpook · 05/12/2012 13:57

We have friends where the shoes off policy is for religious reasons. I can understand this. On 'da continent' yes it's common for people to remove shoes. I think these things become so ingrained culturally it's hard for people to think about the issue objectively...

Instinctively though I have an issue with people asking guests to take their shoes off mainly because of the lovely deeccooor might get spoiled!!! the idea that keeping everything 'just so' in my home is more important than my guests' comfort seems bizarre to me. I can never imagine asking on this basis.

HRH008 · 05/12/2012 13:57

I think your SIL is bonkers! Xmas Grin Totally over the top reaction.

Let her rant and rave ...

hattymattie · 05/12/2012 13:59

We all take our shoes off in our house and I automatically do in others if it's wet - it's not an issue. My daughter's piano teacher is Japanese and it's shoes off automatically there. I have another friend from Norway who says there everybody takes off shoes.

I think SIL is overreacting (unless she has really weird feet or somethig???)

NormaSnorks · 05/12/2012 14:02

Shoes off ideally, and definitely if going beyond tiled/ wooden floor area.

My SIL is also the worst offender though, as she is a dwarf pygmy shortish person and always wears heels. Just a week after having our expensive oak flooring laid she arrived in her steel-tipped heels, made a fuss about not taking her shoes off, and then half-tripped and skidded across the hall, leaving a 25 cm long, deep scratch across the most visible part of our new floor Shock
DH was AngryAngryAngryAngryAngryAngryAngry

EasilyBored · 05/12/2012 14:05

It's not about keeping the decor 'just so'. It's about not wanting dirty shoe germs and go knows what you have trodden in, spread all over the floor. If you give your shoes a good wipe on the mat, all that does is ensure that the crap that was on your shoes in now on the bottom of everybody else's shoes too. Grim.

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