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Original poster

Is it so bad to ask someone to take off their shoes in your home?

562 replies

BlueVernis · 05/12/2012 11:58

As huge row has broken out between my sister inlaw (SIL) and myself, after I asked her to take of her shoes when she came to my house!
She came over with a few other inlaws late one night as they were passing by. It was raining outside and we have carpet in our living room, which is quite new. Also, my kids like to play on the living room carpet.
My SIL came in and I asked her if she could take her shoes off. She told me that it was a hassle to take of her shoes. I just looked at her and said in a half joke-half serious way that I would have to get some kitchen roll and wipe her shoes then. Then I left her in the hallway and went to the kitchen to put the kettle on.
A few minutes later I heard her screaming at DH in the hallway, saying that I insulted her by not allowing her into my home and I have no right to ask her to take her shoes off as she is the older SIL. She rang my MIL and was going on and on that I had insulted her etc.
She then went outside, shouting and yelling (I'm sure the neighbours loved it!) and sat in the car and refused to come in.
I'm fuming with her behaviour as I don't think my request was wrong. I have been brought up to take off my shoes in other people's homes, and I even make my kids do the same, whether the house they go to are carpeted or laminated.
Was I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
usualsuspect3 · 05/12/2012 20:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

blossombath · 05/12/2012 20:16

Nope usual my point is exactly opposite, I'd rather hoover more and keep a good relationship with MIL by trying to ensure she is comfortable.

When I asked her I had no intention of embarrassing her, simply that I am from a no shoes culture and prefer to keep germs from my pfb (carpet in itself not the issue).

Since we asked her she does remember to take shoes off sometimes, and I appreciate her efforts to respect my preferences. Now that I know she might be uncomfortable without shoes I will try not to be judgey face when she and others keep shoes on, and give them benefit of doubt that its a comfort/culture thing not a laziness or dirtiness thing.

As pps have said, it's pretty much a case of each to their own and trying to be mindful of others wishes when hosting/visiting. Definitely not something worth fighting over.

maddening · 05/12/2012 20:16

Is your sil usually weird socially.

Having an opinion on shoes on/off is one thing but a screaming fit, phoning and ranting and flouncing as she did is abnormal.

scottishmummy · 05/12/2012 20:18

may I suggest hibiscrub on arrival,install a clean and dirty room,sluice,and maybe Mrsa swab fir all guests
did I mention most if us carry mrsa
we all live with germs

maddening · 05/12/2012 20:18

Ps prefer shoes off but if it was friends round I wouldn't ask once ds was in bed and would clean it is the morning.

If you are asked to remove your shoes it is impolite to decline imo

MollyMurphy · 05/12/2012 20:21

I don't disagree that there are germs everywhere but since you can easily take off your shoes, mop your floors and vaccum to keep them reasonably in check on your floors that seems a logical course of action.

I completely agree, that you should also maintain good handwashing and try to keep your hands out of your mouth and eyes to help prevent the spread of common viruses aka those pesky, yucky germs.

mrskeithrichards · 05/12/2012 20:21

Put guests in white paper suits

blossombath · 05/12/2012 20:22

Oh and I don't think it's being too precious and germ phobic to try and keep home as clean as possible. DS crawls on grass, as per your example, and tries to eat anything and everything - I think it's good to get some exposure to germs, doesn't mean I don't try to keep things clean for him when I can.

However like I said, shoes in house not a massive thing for me, just a question of preferences really.

Greensleeves · 05/12/2012 20:23

MollyMurphy do you ever scratch your arsehole in bed?

Just wonderin'

expatinscotland · 05/12/2012 20:23

I recommend full decontamination, scottish.

Viviennemary · 05/12/2012 20:25

I'd say it was terribly rude. But if a guests shoes are muddy they should remove them.

saintlyjimjams · 05/12/2012 20:27

Haven't read thread. It wouldn't bother me (but then I lived in Japan and tend to take my shoes off anyway if I go into a tidy looking house - i.e. - not mine!) but I know from previous threads on here that people get very funny about being asked to take their shoes off.

As an aside. When DH (then bf) visited me in Japan he only brought his DM's with him. This was a mistake Grin

YoHoHoAndABottleOfSherry · 05/12/2012 20:27

I wouldn't ask people to remove their shoes - but I don't think I know anyone (apart from my Godfather) who doesn't remove their shoes on entering a house anyway.

I would automatically remove my shoes when entering someone's house and my DC would do the same, because it is what we are used to. I don't like leaving mine on indoors, so I can understand by the same token, some people don't like taking them off.

I still think it is an awkward thing to actually ask though - presumably most visitors would easily be aware if they were entering a "no shoe" house, little clues like rows of shoes lined up in the hall, the fact that their host answered the door to them shoeless, or whatever. I think that's what prompts most people to know to remove their shoes. So if they don't take them off, I think you have to just assume that they have good reasons for wanting to keep them on. Or that they are not very socially aware. Anyway, I think it is a little bit rude to ask an adult outright to remove their shoes.

Viviennemary · 05/12/2012 20:27

Or have a sluice in the hall to walk through like they used to during the foot and mouth scare.

EverlongLovesHerChristmasRobin · 05/12/2012 20:28

I'm not arsed about germs fgs. I've got a dog, cat and kids.

I just don't want muck on me sisal. Wink

VBisme · 05/12/2012 20:28

I think it's rude, but it's even more rude to refuse to if asked.

scottishmummy · 05/12/2012 20:32

good hand hygiene will see off most germs
what's traipsed in on carpet isn't really the issue
or as suggested full decontamination,hibiscrub and paper shoe covers

LilyVonSchtupp · 05/12/2012 20:34

In my culture (north London) it is very much the norm not to wear shoes in the house. The majority of my visitors from midwives to gas meter reader to casual acquaintances automatically take their shoes in the hallway without being asked to. DS(4) also has been conditioned (not by me but nanny, playmate homes, grandma etc) to remove his shoes as soon as he is indoors. (it took a while to explain that he didn't need to take his trainers off on the tube.)

Personally I don't care whether guests take their shoes off or not. I have original wooden floors so I do warn people that they go barefoot at their own risk. I personally don't care as a guest. In fact I thinks it's much nicer to be shoeless.

I don't think the germs argument really holds water does it? Unless you go around licking your floor? On that basis you'd bar guests from using your loo.

I also think on a personal level that shoes are for outdoor wear. It's not good for your feet to be encased all the time. Shoes are to protect you from concrete, gravel, dog shit and Tarmac. Wearing them indoors is pointless.

As a connoisseur of Elle Decoration, Living Etc, etc etc, I always find it weird that the investment banker's wife female homeowner is always photographed posing in her white carpeted living room or wooden floored kitchen wearing the most ridonkulous platform stilettos. Seriously girlfriend - it does not make you look glam and yummy, it makes you look try-hard and inappropriate. Sorry, I digressed...

In short, I don't care about whether you have a shoe or no shoe rule, but you should observe what other people do in their home because it's good manners and polite. YANBU.

Lifeisontheup · 05/12/2012 20:36

I would take shoes off if it was obvious that the family did in a social situation but never take them off in a work context, not sure if the shoe covers thing would work either as may need to go in and out in a hurry. Never had anyone complain.

EnjoyResponsibly · 05/12/2012 20:36

If was wet outside wouldn't you just offer to take your shoes off?

SIL sounds drunk at best. Total over reaction.

Greensleeves · 05/12/2012 20:37

I take my shoes off "automatically" if I see shoes lined up by the door and the host isn't wearing any. Doesn't mean I think it's normal or that I don't think it's unfriendly.

expatinscotland · 05/12/2012 20:39

Oh, and those plastic aprons on a roll, like they use in strict iso rooms. You have germs on your clothes.

MollyMurphy · 05/12/2012 20:39

Some of you are just being thick for the purpose of an arguement I think.

Many people obviously have young children who play on the floor and put things in their mouth.....what else needs to be spelled out about it?

To each their own I guess. I would be happy to not have guests who couldn't be bothered to observe the social norms at another persons house.

I'm out.

Greensleeves · 05/12/2012 20:41

Yes, but do you ever scratch your arsehole in bed?

scottishmummy · 05/12/2012 20:42

Molly you're being alarmist and precious.bad combination
we all live with flora,kids out manky hands in mouth
and you know what despite the alarmist links we are all remarkably robust and healthy