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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think that once every 3 months feels like a sexless marriage..?

20 replies

ZigaZig · 04/12/2012 21:28

Some background: I'm 43, in a stable relationship with my 52 year old husband (has it's ups and downs but..) and we have 2 kids (9 &7).

Despite our discussions about our sex life going down the plughole and thinking of ideas to redress the situation, telling him in a non-pressurising way that I would like to have sex more often and frequently feeling frustrated, the situation doesn't seem to be improving. I know there's an age gap, he's tired etc etc but somehow I feel this is not really what I signed up for. It feels almost sexless even though technically it isn't. Experiences, ideas, insights..?

OP posts:

SantaisBarredfromhavingStella · 04/12/2012 21:49

What do you do at the moment-just talk about it or do you make the 1st move to get some? Don't know what to suggest without more info-undies, sex toys?

solideogloria · 04/12/2012 21:51

First of all at your age it is normal to have an increased sex drive. It is interesting to me that a man's sex drive is at it's highest in their 20's and woman's in her 40's......
Anyway, how often do the two of you get to go out on dates? Time away from the children can really help to increase intimacy. Have you tried texting or e-mailing him during the day telling him that you are looking forward to seeing him in the bedroom? Increasing anticipation by sending messages to him can liven things up!
I hope this helps!

Original poster

ZigaZig · 04/12/2012 22:14

Yup, I'm usually making the first move but to little avail! He's affectionate and doesn't rebuff me but tells me we should `factor it in' when he's less tired!!
Good ideas about texting solideogloria. Will give it a whirl!

OP posts:

SantaisBarredfromhavingStella · 04/12/2012 22:35

Factor it in??? it does sound like your asking at the wrong time though, can't give you a good time though as mine are 1 & 3 so I'm permanently knackered (though sleepy sex is good have you tried the middle of the night )
Spending time as a couple sounds like good idea & like I said previously, try spicing things up?-You know your DH so will know if he would like this....

lovebunny · 04/12/2012 22:36

tell him its once a day or he's down the road. far too many women put up with little or no sex. including me, as i live alone. but i don't moan about it.

take him away for the weekend. no work, no stress, no children, no mobile phone. make it clear that you're having an early night together. have a little to drink. no toys, no silly clothes, no porn. just you and him a little time and a little alcohol. see what happens.

whois · 04/12/2012 22:42

Don't have an early night, have a nice morning together instead. If es tired and stressed he might be much more up for it when he wakes up than at night.

fenix · 04/12/2012 23:02

How much quality 'couple' time are you spending together, out of the house, away from the kids. How much headspace do you both have from the dull everyday stuff? If it's not much, then I'd work on this and see if that doesn't relax you a bit and lighten things up.

floweryblue · 04/12/2012 23:17

I have no idea what would work for you.

DP knows that I want two cups of tea and some conversation, only about us and what is in our heads (usually bonkers thoughts). DP knows my lie-ins are my fave times, that doesn't mean 'no' at other times and it also doesn't mean we have to at the 'usual' times. What is precious to me is DP telling me what is in his head. Always hilarious.

LRDtheFeministDude · 05/12/2012 01:01

I don't know the right answer but I do think suggesting the OP is asking at the wrong time is a bit off. It's putting the blame on her. Surely if they're going to have more sex it's got to be at a good time for both of them, rather than happening because she's jumping through hoops?

I'm really not certain, but it sounds as if he's a bit shy of talking about it, and/or doesn't realize how much it bothers you. Could you maybe be even more plain that it is bothering you, and it's (I am guessing, correct me if I'm wrong?) not only an issue that you happen to want sex when he doesn't, but also an issue that you're wondering if his sex drive is generally just lower, or if you're somehow miscommunicating about when to have sex?

Btw, maybe goes without saying, but this is a conversation to have when you're not thinking about sex, not when you've tried to initiate and he's said he's not feeling like it.

ivanapoo · 05/12/2012 08:13

Yanbu, this is basically sexless. Was there a time when you did it more often? has anything happened that might have affected his sex drive?

Try to have a conversation outside of the bedroom when both fully clothed. Less pressure that way.

One thing that worked for me when I felt our sex life had hit a bump in the road was to give ourselves the challenge of having sex every day for a week. You know it's on the cards then and frankly the more we did it the more we wanted it. But of course your DH will need to agree to the challenge...

VoiceofUnreason · 05/12/2012 08:21

lovebunny and plenty of men put up with little or no sex too but if they suggested the answer of "sex every day or you're outta here" they would be lynched

BelaLugosisShed · 05/12/2012 08:24

A man in his 50s isn't going to be up for sex every day lovebunny, no matter how fit and healthy he is, once a week isn't unreasonable though, Saturday or Sunday mornings are perfect if neither of you work weekends.
If he's a shift worker then it's more difficult, you don't say what he does for a living, a demanding / stressful job is a libido killer.

TheShriekingHarpy · 05/12/2012 08:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lovebunny · 06/12/2012 22:03

you don't know many men in their fifties, do you?

whois · 06/12/2012 22:13

Uh, what the fuck? 'putting the blame on her'? I think you have read too much into my post, where the actual fuck did I suggest she jump through hoops??? Seriously.

It's perfectly valid to suggest gstting it on in the morning. Lots of people enjoy getting some decent rest then have a lie in together where you can be intimate in terms of talking, hugging, kissing etc and maybe sex. I don't see being intimate at a time that might suit your partner better as jumping through hoops.

JamieandtheMagiTorch · 06/12/2012 22:17

Ivana

May i ask?

Once the every day for a week period was over, how long did you keep it up for ( as it were) ?

SantaisBarredfromhavingStella · 06/12/2012 22:44

Whois I think she was referring to my post tbh but I think saying I'm putting the blame on OP is bullshit which is why I was going to ignore anyway that isn't what I was saying at all simply drawing from the experience of me telling DH to fuck right off of an evening cos I'm already fucked, just not in the right way.....

ivanapoo · 06/12/2012 23:07

@Jamie we didn't keep the every day thing up but I would say it just got us out of our default pattern as we ended up trying different times, places and so on and it also made us feel like we were doing something positive and constructive, which was great. But then it wasn't like our sex life was massively in the doldrums - there was just some room for improvement.

whois · 07/12/2012 00:29

simply drawing from the experience of me telling DH to fuck right off of an evening cos I'm already fucked, just not in the right way.....

I can relate to that!

JamieandtheMagiTorch · 10/12/2012 21:17

thanks ivana

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