To think its up to you if you tell people before 12 weeks?

[Catsnotrats]

Had a conversation today with my manager about another colleague who is 7 weeks pregnant and has told quite a few people, mainly because she's excited and also wants a bit of support and understanding from colleagues.

My manager felt that it was inappropriate in case the pregnancy didn't last. My view is that is up to you what you feel comfortable with, and actually having those around you know if you do miscarry can be helpful (I've never been pregnant so don't actually know from experience!), but if you want to keep it private that's also fine.

Just wondered what other's views were on this. I just can't understand why there is such superstition around telling people in case you miscarry.

We didn't tell many people because we wanted to be able to deal with a miscarriage privately if it happened (it didn't) and not have to 'untell' people. The people we did tell before 12 weeks were the ones whose support we'd have wanted anyway. Nothing to do with superstition! And absolutely up to the parents to decide for themselves whom to tell and when. Why does your manager think it's her/his business?

They feel that's its just not what you do and that other people knowing you had a miscarriage would be awful. I free that it is none of their business!

YANBU. I know colleagues who really needed to tell the office. They wanted support and people to chat to - about how crappy they felt with sickness but also they were really excited!

YANBU

it's totally up to the parents to be and nobody else. Some like to keep it private, some like to share, there is no right time to tell

To tell or not to tell, early on,
difficult in my opinion..
So much can happen at any time during a pregnancy..

YANBU.

My friend was so excited that she told everyone she was pregnant as soon as she found out, she had been trying for ages so was really pleased. We all went over the top and got her cards, flowers and presents. Unfortunately she lost the baby.
She fell pregnant again and this time didn't tell anyone until her first scan, this time nobody got her anything or really made a fuss and she went on to have a lovely little girl.

YANBU. Some people would rather tell anyway, despite the risks, because though some like to grieve privately, others would find it more upsetting that no-one knew, I think.

I don't think it's the manager's business at all!

I think people should do what feels right for them.

Personally I hate the judginess given to those who decide to tell before the 12 week mark. I feel like it implies that miscarriage is shameful somehow? Like it should be hidden.

Theirs nothing wrong with wanting to keep it to yourself. But theirs also absolutely nothing wrong with telling.

We told family and best friends immediately, and our extended circle of friends at 6 weeks once we had the first scan and heartbeat confirmed (scanned every month here).

We live overseas so I knew I wanted the support from our friends if we lost the pregnancy which in my case was a 50/50 chance.

I understand why people would want to keep it under wraps until after the 12 weeks which is when the first scan generally is but by clutching at pearls when someone shares the news prior to this implies that there is something shameful in miscarriage and that somehow they "deserve" it for sharing their news early!

Every person deserves to tell whomever they want at whatever point they want and it's nobody else's business.

I told colleagues at work at about 7-8 weeks - apparently pissing a couple of women who were further along but hadn't told yet as they felt I'd stolen their anticipated limelight.
For me I would hate to have gone through a miscarriage and felt I needed to keep it quiet if no-one knew I had been pregnant.

YANBU.

Of course it's up to the parents to decide when to tell people.

In some work, a new risk assessment would need to be carried out so the earlier the emplyer is told, the better.

I told a couple of close friends at about 5 weeks because I was so very scared. It didn't occur to me to wait until 12 weeks.
My boss has recently announced her pregnancy, she's 7 weeks.

I don't see 12 weeks as a magic number, it's possible that something can go wrong after this time.

Friend didn't have any choice in letting people know as ms struck at 7 weeks and she was off work for several weeks.

*employer

I work in a job where telling my boss ASAP was important for H&S reasons. I could have just told my boss so he could make the necessary adjustments to my job. However I chose to tell the rest of my team when I was 8 weeks. Unfortunately I had an mmc at 10+4. The support I had from my colleagues during that time was absolutely priceless. It helped so much to have people understand why I was upset and to be aware of things that might upset me in the future.

I was lucky enough to get pregnant very soon afterwards and told people as soon as I found out. As a result people were understanding about any concerns I had and really looked after me during my pregnancy. That pregnancy resulted in my now two year old son.

I have been pregnant twice since then, have told early both times. The third pregnancy sadly ended in an early mc and the fourth is ongoing. I am now 22 weeks. I can totally understand why people choose to wait, but telling early has absolutely been the rigtht choice for me and my family.

I'm 8 weeks tomorrow and I have told people. Partly because I was really excited to be expecting No3 (waited 15years for No2 so really though a third was impossible!!) and partly because I have panic attacks/anxiety/agoraphobia and the hormones/morning sickness have made this worse. I felt I needed the extra support/understanding so told the mum's I talk to at the school and my son's teachers.

I figure if something goes wrong (touch wood) I will need the support again. Also I had a terrible time throughout pregnancy No2 (heavy bleeding throughout, in hospital for most of it, not sure if DS would survive) so things can happen regardless of the stage you are at....DS is now 4.5 and a lovely bundle of cheekiness, I thank my lucky stars every day that he was ok.

Totally pointless 'rule' about 12 weeks. It gives a false sense that once you are past the 12 week scan, nothing can go wrong.

I miscarried my first pregnancy....had told a fair few people. But only close friends.

With my second pregnancy, I told the same bunch of people early on. I was really hurt when one of those people then said to me, 'why are you telling the world so early? Specially after what happened last time!'

I wanted to say, 'so, if I miscarry again, I should face it alone, with no support from family and friends?'

YANBU. We had fertility treatment with our first - which most friends and family knew we were going though and we wanted to tell almost straight away. I was also of the opinion that I would want support if I miscarried (which is what happened with 2nd pregnancy and I'm glad my friends and family could support us). In any case in all of my pregnancies (3+1 lost) it would have been pretty obvious before 12 weeks due to how ill I was. Each to their own I say. To tell or not tell is a very personal decision.

I told before 12 weeks with all my pregnancies. I never thought about waiting until 12 weeks, was far too excited. The first two were through fertility treatment so wanted to share my joy, the third was during a very hard time in my life so wanted people to focus on something else rather than the doom and gloom that was around me.

I had to tell everyone very early on with both pregnancies as I worked in a house with adults with learning disabilities and challenging behaviour, so had to be moved to a quieter area. And all the people in the house I moved to had to know as I wasn't able to do all of the jobs (pushing some of the really heavy wheelchairs etc). Since everyone at work knew it felt weird not letting friends know. I did get quite a few comments though, but if something had happened I'd have wanted their support anyway

The first time I told everyone pretty early on, I was excited and had never known anyone who'd miscarried let alone had one myself. I was in happy ignorance that problems occur! Nothing wrong with being happy.

This time having supported friends through miscarriages, seen complications I was a little more reserved, though not sticking to a 'rule'. I just told people when I felt comfortable doing so (which happened to be 14 weeks)

I told work at 7 weeks and before our families, as my job could be quite physical at times and I had quite bad morning sickness. It was the right thing to do in my circumstances. I agree that it should be up to the parents to decide who and when to tell.

I've always just told the people I would tell if I miscarried.

I had to tell my employer before 12 weeks as I had bad sickness and looked dire. She said 'I'll keep my fingers crossed for you as 1 in 8 pregnancies fail' - bitch.