To think its up to you if you tell people before 12 weeks?

[Catsnotrats]

Had a conversation today with my manager about another colleague who is 7 weeks pregnant and has told quite a few people, mainly because she's excited and also wants a bit of support and understanding from colleagues.

My manager felt that it was inappropriate in case the pregnancy didn't last. My view is that is up to you what you feel comfortable with, and actually having those around you know if you do miscarry can be helpful (I've never been pregnant so don't actually know from experience!), but if you want to keep it private that's also fine.

Just wondered what other's views were on this. I just can't understand why there is such superstition around telling people in case you miscarry.

I had a miscarriage at 15 weeks, having told work at 14 weeks. I did wish I hadn't told anyone apart from very close friends as it was compex untelling everyone and the last thing I wanted to do. In retrospect I wouldn't tell til at least 16 weeks. I could have told work about the miscarriage anyway, but it was tricky when playground gossip led to "whens it due" type comments.

I told people at 6 weeks when I found out,
1 because it was a TOTAL surprise (wed been together 5 mins so we had alot to sort!)
secondly if I lost the baby then the people I'd told were the people that would need to know.

It's each to their own. But I was sad when my sister waited 12 weeks to tell me

I told work (immediate boss, not the whole office) both times at 7-8 weeks. The first time because I had to have two weeks off with sickness, and the second time because I was starting to show at 8 weeks and needed to wear maternity clothes. I told my wider circle of work colleagues much later (mainly because I felt sheepish about being pregnant as hadn't been in my role very long).

I told my immediate team of 3 colleagues at 6 weeks as I had dreadful nausea and really needed their support. I thought it was obvious that I was pregnant as I looked so dreadful but the rest if the office did seem surprised when I waved my scan photo at 12 weeks.

Told the family and close friends as it was Christmas and I was too tired and ill to lie about why I was avoiding certain foods and alcohol.

Why would anyone judge about when you announce your pregnancy?

Having has the unfortunate experience of mmc at 7 weeks and still birth at 34 weeks I don't hold to the idea of only waiting til after 12 weeks to tell people. Obviously at 34 weeks everyone knew what happened so when I fell pregnant again I told people early (had to tell work for H&S reasons anyway), and had the mmc. In my humble opinion you can tell or don't tell but for me it didn't make any difference other than extra support and understanding when I had the mmc

rainbow sorry for your loss x

When I went to A and E with a threatened MC the doctor told me that it is really unusual to lose a baby after 16 weeks and that people usually tell others at 12 weeks because of the scan and it's not really 'safer' at that point.

It's a completely personal decision. I hate when people are disapproving if someone tells early. I had a m/c at 11 weeks - i had only just told my family. When I got pg again, I told my closest family really early - I thought after the upset of the 1st m/c they'd be pleased. I got a lot of 'it's a bit early' 'isn't it bad luck' etc. When I had another m/c it was barely acknowledged. The 'bad luck' stuff really pissed me off, like somehow it was my fault I had two m/c.

Needless to say I left it quite late to tell them when I did go on to have a successful pregnancy.

Yanbu at all! In fact I was thinking about starting a thread about this. I had a mmc at 9 weeks and was so glad I'd told my family and close friends and ended up telling work anyway as I had a week off.

It's completely the decision of the parents. I hate the way it's like a 'rule'. Even dr advised me not to. I'm not an idiot. I know miscarriage is sadly common before 12 weeks (although actually quite rare after 8 having seen a HB) but its my decision and I can be excited and tell people if I want.

Agree with poster above who said it helps collude with the miscarriage being a shameful secret. Also it works well for the drs who have the 'oh well just one of those things' that I experienced last time.

I'm pregnant again and told pretty much exactly the same people.

We had friends who had had a miscarriage so when I got pregnant for the first time I really didnt want it to be general knowledge until I had had the scan. Was at a wedding and an old school acquaintance went on and on and on asking if I was pregnant I panicked and said I wasnt. Then when I announced a month later she was put out, and said as an evangelical Christian she was upset I had "lied" to her. I suppose I had and did feel bad but she shouldnt have asked such a personal question when I obviously didnt want to talk about it. Still riles that she feels she had the moral high ground on that one - I would never have asked such an intimate question as that at a drunken wedding reception of someone I was no longer particularly close to.

I think people should tell when it suits them. But everyone that I've known who has had an early m/c has appreciated people knowing about their baby. I feel very strongly that miscarriage is kept quiet and hardly talked about which is wrong on so many levels.

Telling people early (it doesn't have to be the whole world) can be so helpful if something does sadly go wrong, or if people need support. I think people who are pg after an mc often could do with a bit more handholding too. Why shoudnt they get it just because society says its 'too early' for them to need it.

I am currently 13 weeks pg and have my scan tomorrow. Only my DH and I and the MW know. We do not intend to tell and will do everything possible not to tell until after tests at 20 weeks.

If people ask (pester in the case of my DSis and full on bully tactics from my SIL) I lie and say I've fallen off my diet and do need to cut back on the red wine.

And yes, it's up to an individual to choose when they tell.

I don't think anyone sees miscarriage as shameful at all, it's the having to tell people when they congratulate you or ask how the pg is doing that would be the nightmare for most people which is why they wait. I waited tell damn near the third trimester because I was sure I was going to lose the pregnancy and knew I couldn't talk about it if I did. I don't judge anyone for telling but I do wonder if it is a bad idea telling people early (in my head, I would never say anything like it out loud)

That all said many people don't realize that miscarriage is a large statistical risk because we don't talk about miscarriage generally and it is hushed up..

I bled quite heavily from early on with my pregnancies with DS1 and 2. I couldn't have concealed it if I wanted to (in and out of EPAU every week, and a complete mess, particularly with DS1). My third pregnancy I told work pretty soon after I found out (around 6 weeks) as I did fairly physical work and I wanted to warn them about my atrocious track history. As it happens I had a mc the following week. I'm still glad they knew as it was easier in some ways to explain why I was off work (I guess I could have made something up but I'm not good at lying tbh)

But, I know a lot of people who kept it quiet and that's good too. It's up to the individual really

We have 4DC and were very lucky in that the pregnancies were all pretty straightforward. It never occurred to me not to tell people as soon as I conceived DC5 as I always thought that the people I told about the pregnancy would be the same people I would rely on for support if I miscarried.

I did miscarry though and the reality was very different. It was so difficult dealing with the physical and emotional pain of the miscarriage and I could really have done without the added worry of telling everyone what had happened and having to discuss it at times when I felt really emotional. The DC had told their friends, who told their mums etc so even now, months later I still come across folk who didn't know I'd miscarried.

I'm pregnant again and kept it to myself for longer this time. When I did tell people, everyone just kind of cautiously congratulated us, as if expecting that I might miscarry again. It made me feel quite sad actually.

I think you should tell work when you're ready. I've never actually had a direct employee wait 12 weeks to tell me. Everyone has told me around 7 weeks so far and on the one occasion that it did end in a loss, I hope I was as supportive as I could be in a difficult situation.

On the other hand, with a long history of miscarriage personally and being the boss of a large team, I don't tell people myself till after 20 weeks. That's partly fear and not wanting support from workmates if I miscarry (friends are good enough). And partly because in my work, there aren't many senior women and I don't want to be factored out of important discussions earlier than necessary.

Should be up to the individual when they tell.

In my case, people at work knew immediately because they knew I was having IVF and they asked the result. (Mental note to self: next time, don't tell people I'm having IVF.) Most of my relatives didn't find out until I was six months gone.

kerala - she sounds a bit of a nob. If you can I'd forget it; personally I feel she's not doing Evangelical Christians any favours by being 'put out' - 'let those who are without sin...' / forgive your neighbour etc.

I'm with valium's doctor really; the reason I waited (to tell everyone that wasn't immediate family/best friend) until after the scan was less to do with miscarriage and more to do with the fact that I didn't know what I'd do if the test came back as high risk of chromosomal abnormality.

Anyway - YANBU; it's totally a matter of individual choice.

doingit that's not my experience at all. I had it rammed down my throat constantly about how common miscarriage is. To the point that it seems impossible for anyone to carry to term!

I think the fact that so many people think it's a bad idea to tell people before 12 weeks shows how aware people are of miscarriage risk.

Yanbu. How can it not be up to the mother as to when she reveals the pregnancy? Yanbu at all.

With regards to what Doingit said about not talking about miscarriage - with my bleeds I only found out how common it is when I talked about it on here and in real life. It was never something I'd heard of prior to that. Ditto with the miscarriage. It was only after I told people that I suddenly had people come up to me and share their stories (sad but rather comforting at the same time).

People should do what's right for them

I told my parents/in laws before 12 weeks, and I had horrendous sickness from around 6 weeks with DD1 so I told my boss but asked him to keep it to himself (mainly so he knew why I kept vanishing to throw up at regular intervals)

Everyone else we waited until after the 12 week scan

I miscarried my first pregnancy early having told no one, first week back at work had some horribly insensitive comments from colleagues which could have been avoided if I had told. I kept dd1 secret from most until 12 wks but had a miserable 30th birthday as a result. Dd2 I told work colleague and some close people early because I thought I was miscarrying again and was going through some personal stuff which meant I needed support. There's no right or wrong way but I do think it's sad how frowned on it is to tell people per 12 weeks as if miscarriage is something you should go through on your own.

bring if you had gone back to work after everyone knowing you were pregnant to more comments about "how is the pregnancy" "oh you are glowing" etc, and then from randoms you only see very little but who have heard that you were previously pregnant I don't know, I don't think that would have been easier would it?