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AIBU?

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Original poster

I wince when women refer to being a mum as "a job"

501 replies

CQuin · 04/12/2012 17:02

It's so mimsy ish, so martyr and yet at the same time.

Our parents would never have said this, is it just the heightened expectations everyone has for everything thee days ?
Would dads say this?

Eg I have two jobs, I'm a mother (or worse "mummy ") and a hat maker." (or whatever )

Fuck off.

OP posts:
LibrarianByDay · 05/12/2012 00:00

Allyours I don't think enjoying your job and feeling time spent at home to be a "holiday" are mutually exclusive.

impty · 05/12/2012 00:02

Chickydoo... Why C Bloody lazy? I get fortunate (voluntarily at home) and unfortunate (would prefer to be working).
Plus your final comment comes across as incredibly bitter. It is to people like you that those who stay at home feel the need to 'justify' themselves to.

Dromedary... I disagree that being at home with pre school children is like a holiday. The good days are great but there are many times sahp's would happily hand over the children and go back to work on the bad days.

The reasons many people chose to stay at home are much more complex and difficult to explain. Usually many factors are in play. It makes you vulnerable if only one partner is working and most sahp's are very aware of that.

Parenthood becomes a job and work when people feel the need to justify themselves. Working parents feel, often, that everyone should work like they do, and make sahp's feel the need to justify themselves.

Balancing work and parenthood is difficult. If one parent is at home then it is easier. There's no doubt. It's understandable that resentment sets in. However, as I said before a bit of mutual respect would go a long way.

Goldenbear · 05/12/2012 00:09

No it's where, as in where do you holiday that your perception of 'a break' is comparable to a SAHP that is doing a good 'job'!

Well being at home full time with my DC- one a toddler, one 5 means I don't have time to think about what work used to be like. Some of its coming back to me though - that's it , turn up, write adverts, research projects, drink good coffee, not have any worries about little peoples' safety ....constantly! Oh that's it, it was not the bad - I've just remembered.

Dromedary · 05/12/2012 00:57

Goldenbear - I holiday at home, or take short trips for a couple of days. Obviously, I wasn't comparing being a SAHM with holidaying in a luxury hotel in the Caribbean.
The key thing is that as a SAHM (and I'm assuming you're looking after pre-schoolers) you are in control - with some adaptations you can do what you like. And I am assuming that you like your children - if they are the children from hell, then that's different.
I remember when I was looking after my children as newborns while running a business. I couldn't afford any maternity leave, as the self employed got almost no maternity pay. The nursery wouldn't accept children that young. I wouldn't recommend it, it was very draining, but I noticed that I was enjoying the babies more than plenty of other new mothers, on lengthy or permanent maternity leave and surrounded by doting grandparents etc. They moaned about what terrible hard work it all was!
I do feel for the dads - all this emphasis on how hard it is to stay at home, when many of them are commuting long distances and working long hours, and then come home and help with the children. I hope they start to catch on and take their share of the maternity/paternity leave.

Mayisout · 05/12/2012 05:44

Seems feasible that you would enjoy babies more if you knew it was only a matter of time before they were off to nursery and you to more work.

The bottom line as I see it is that the working mums feel guilt at leaving their DCs with someone else, however well they justify it, and however good the childcare is, so have a go at SAHMs.
And that is where Cquin started from. Not saying that working mums arrangement is better or worse for DCs, just that it causes guilt.

MadameCastafiore · 05/12/2012 05:47

Man on mastermind stated his profession was being 'a parent' the other night!

DH and I both looked at each other with raised eyebrows!

Mind you at least something else I can put on cv!

takataka · 05/12/2012 06:40

Sorry impy you didnt Smile it was goldenbear

Snog · 05/12/2012 06:46

A lifestyle but not a job

valiumredhead · 05/12/2012 07:37

You're right - being a SAHM isn't a job. It's a lot like a holiday

Oh yeah, sure it is.

impty · 05/12/2012 08:05

Am hiding this thread as I have work a lifestyle to do.

RabbitsMakeGOLDBaubles · 05/12/2012 08:10

I am laughing hysterically. Even before the kidney infection that knocked me on my back, being at home was really hard. I've not had a full night's sleep hardly in the past seven years, never stop when I am at home, literally never stop. I had a night out in October, one of about three or four nights out I've had in those seven years. I've worried about money every step of the way, and had to learn to cook, learn to budget, learn to sew, on a tiny budget. I've never had a proper holiday (as in fly somewhere hot and beachy) but I can be sure it's nothing like a holiday.

mrskeithrichards · 05/12/2012 08:16

It's not a job.

valiumredhead · 05/12/2012 08:18

Before I was a SAHM I was a full time Nanny.

So I do exactly the same job as I did before children.

One job I got paid for - one I didn't.

One I was respected for - one I am not.

One is MUCH harder than the other.

Neither was like a fucking holiday.

I don't have a lifestyle, I have a life.

People that spout crap like that do so ime, to make themselves feel better about their own life style

VoiceofUnreason · 05/12/2012 08:19

Hard work, undoubtedly. A job, no. A choice, yes.

gettingeasier · 05/12/2012 08:33

No its not a job

Also hate that phrase "as a family" eg We are going to the beach tomorrow as a family.

Agree with Noddyholder earlier , I have never heard all this debate in RL

wordfactory · 05/12/2012 08:55

I'm really shocked at the posters on this thread who insist on their right to use words as they see fit whether they are offensive or not! Perhaps these same posters say coloured or half caste or backward? Too bad if people are offended - that's their problem and they clearly have issues.

TantrumsAndBalloons · 05/12/2012 09:06

The thing about "full time mother" is if you are a SAHM with school age children who are out of the house all day, what happens then?
Do you cease to become a full time mother?

I have 3 children all at school. I also work full time. It doesn't make me a part time parent does it?
And SAHM with school age children, do you stop saying you are a full time mother when they start school?
Because surely, by the logic on this thread you would have to because you aren't with them all the time?

TantrumsAndBalloons · 05/12/2012 09:10

This debate does not exist in RL. in RL,parents get on with their lives, they either go to work, because they enjoy their jobs or can't afford to stay home or they stay home with their children.
It's that simple.

We are parents. We live out own lives based on our circumstances and choices. No 2 people live identical lives. But for some reason as soon as someone here makes a different choice, 10 people feel compelled to jump in and let them know it's the wrong way.
And then it disintegrates into point scoring, and explaining why x is better than y.
It's stupid.

takataka · 05/12/2012 09:24

I work part time and feel very happy with the balance. I enjoy spending time with my kids when I am not at work. I enjoy going to work and talking to people with logic and reason and being able to finish a conversation. I don?t feel guilty about putting kids in childcare the days I work. The contrast is good IMO.

I have to say I don?t feel like being at home is ?work?, there are chores to do but they need to be done whether I am at home or at work; there is more opportunity to get them done if I am not at work out of the house.

I don?t really think it is the SAHMs who have to ?defend their position? at all. It appears to be the WOHMs who are scrutinised more. What are SAHMs defending exactly? Confused The reasoning for staying at home is generally ?it is best for the kids?, ergo they think WOHM aren?t doing best by their kids. Where as WOHMs go make their decision because they need the money or they want to continue their career?there is no implied judgement on SAHM in their reasoning?

wordfactory · 05/12/2012 09:27

The term full time mother is offensive to working parents as it implies lack of parenting. But it is equally offensive to SAHPs implying that they do and indeed should be on 24 hoir duty. That looking after DC s their sole responsibilty not to shared in any way and time off is slacking. Men even SAHDs would not think of parenting this way. Too corrosive

impty · 05/12/2012 09:28

I don?t really think it is the SAHMs who have to ?defend their position? at all read this thread. Lazy is mentioned more than once.

takataka · 05/12/2012 09:33

lazy is a possibile reason for being a SAHM once kids for gone to school, is all has been said...

its not really something to defend is it? Im inherently lazy, I dont care who calls me lazy. I do care if people suggest/state/imply I am not doing right by my kids...

takataka · 05/12/2012 09:34

well actually, I don't Grin...but I can see how others would...

specialknickers · 05/12/2012 09:39

I'm a full time mum. I work outside the home sometimes, and I'm here to say it's the most fabulous holiday ever from my full time job. Not only do I get paid (GASP) but I get to drink a cup of coffee unhassled, to wear nice clothes and best of all, when I talk, people shut up and listen. I feel more invigorated after a day's outsidethehomework than I ever do after a day on a beach with DS I promise you.

HullyEastergully · 05/12/2012 09:44

I have only read the last page.

What word should the adult that is responsible for the home and family, is unpaid by an external organisation, and lives with another adult that is paid by an external organisation (or their own business of course) use in self-description?

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