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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think stop moaning about how crap your life is and do something about it

31 replies

Choufleur · 03/12/2012 20:27

To cut a long story short I've had a crap year too but nothing I have any control over - one of my parents was ill for most of the year and then passed away.

I'm getting really bored with my friend moaning about how crap everything is - her house is too small, she doesn't have a job (well if you actually apply for a job then you might get one - they're not just going to magic out of thin air), she's too thin/fat (depending on which day you talk to her). I know I'm sounding harsh but her problems don't seem insurmountable.

WIBU to tell her to get a grip and do something about the things she is unhappy about?

OP posts:
DawnOfTheDee · 03/12/2012 20:32

Is she moaning all the time or is it just part of your conversations?

I'm sorry to hear you've had such a horrible year but that doesn't mean people aren't allowed to moan about their 'small' problems.

However, if all she does is moan then yes, I'd try suggesting things to remedy her problems.

SirBoobAlot · 03/12/2012 20:33

YABU.

You have had a shit year, and I'm sorry for that. But she has got her crap stuff, and even if it seems little to you, its a big thing for her. Never compare your ratings of crap against someone elses, because that's simply not fair to either person.

ChoudeBruxelles · 03/12/2012 20:36

She does moan a lot. I would have more empathy is she did something about it.

I know everyone has their own crap to deal with and am quite happy to listen to it some of the time.

ladydeedy · 03/12/2012 20:56

I couldnt agree with you more. Every one of us has difficult stuff to deal with at certain times. Some just make it much more of a deal and go on and on, expecting lots of sympathy/suggestions for help and then if you suggest something say why it wont work. Some people are just stuck in a circle of victim and will never change. if you find this person a constant drain, and you are getting nothing out of what should be a reciprocal friendship, then drop them.

I remember having to deal with the very sudden death of my father (I was on holiday at the time and had to come home quickly), putting my mother (with Alzheimers) in a home as a result, selling their home, my goddaughter dying as a teenager a few weeks later, my stepson coming to live with us after his mother beat him a month or two after that, and losing my job (and my husband losing his) but not really thinking it as being too bad in the scheme of things.... Then bumping into a "friend" who could not stop talking about how terrible her life was because her mother was a bit less mobile than usual and she had to do her shopping for her once a week!!! It's all about perspective....

giveitago · 03/12/2012 21:10

Is it all about perspective? Really? Whose/. Yours?

SantaWearsGreen · 03/12/2012 21:21

Problems which seem miniscule to you can be massive to other people.

Its like when people say 'oh you think you've got it hard, try starving to death' or whatever. That really isn't helpful to anyone. Of course there is always going to be someone, somewhere worse off than you but it doesn't make your issues any less important at that time.

I hate it when people say 'well if you think you are fat, do something about it'. They don't realise that these people are caught in a very very vicious cycle. I feel sad because I look horrible so I'll eat this cake to make me feel better and it will work for all of five minutes and then I will feel crap for eating it and so the cycle continues.

The 'do something about it' comments aren't helpful imo, it just makes the person feel 10x worse because its as if you are saying their problem is nothing and can be solved really easily but to them it is a massive problem and not easy at all.

amirah85 · 03/12/2012 21:31

the worse is when some people complain constantly,you try help them find a solution,next time they complain about the same thing,you tell them did you try xxx and they go no,i didnt...no point complaining then...Santa,no much point either for someone to complain tehy're fat when they keep eating cake....either stop complaining or stop eating cake IMHO

ChoudeBruxelles · 03/12/2012 22:08

She's not fat - a size 10 I guess. But one day too fat another too thin.

It's frustrating - if you want a job and bigger house then you have to actually apply for jobs.

TheArmadillo · 03/12/2012 22:15

YANBU

I find I can put up with a certain level of moaning. And then comes the point where you realise someone (who constantly moans) has no intention to help themselves or change anything. But they want you to feel sorry for them. There is only so much sympathy you can have before you think 'ffs'.

They also tend to be the ones who dismiss your (sometimes much more serious) problems. You are a 'coper' and they are a 'victim' and so it shall ever be as they have no desire to change things. It is often 'woe is me' attention seeking and is very boring after a while.

Its frustrating, infuriating and I find those who have coped with a load of shit tend to, understandably imo, run out of patience after a while.

This is very different from someone, who for whatever reason, is in a situation they cannot or will not (for understandable reasons) change at least for the time being. They don't tend to be as moany though - funny that Hmm

wannabedomesticgoddess · 03/12/2012 22:21

Do you specifically know that she hasnt applied for jobs? Or her reasons for not applying? Are there even any suitable jobs?

You sound very judgemental and I wouldnt be surprised if you went on to say that shes claiming benefits but goes on holiday or something similar.

Monty27 · 03/12/2012 22:27

I'm sorry about your your loss. It's tough.

Bereavement is a very painful thing.

Focus on something else, getting yourself better, not on the downs that your 'friend' brings upon you. She clearly doesn't understand. Take a step back from her and back into your loved ones and your family. If she means anything to you, tell her.

xx

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 03/12/2012 22:41

Some people are just moany people. I have a friend like this, she is lovely, and she sounds a lot like your friend.

I don't think she means to moan, I think she is a reasonably happy person all in all, it's just that moaning is the type of conversation she feels most comfortable with. If you told her to get a grip, she'd come up with an excuse why she couldn't and the moaning would continue. Or she'd make the person who said it feel like they were being unreasonable for making a big deal out of it.

The friend I'm thinking of does sometimes have actual real things in life to deal with that she deserves sympathy for, but she would never money about those things and is very matter of fact when she talks about those things. It's weird. I think sometimes people moan about the little things so they don't have to think about the big things.

LucieMay · 03/12/2012 23:15

Losing a parent as an adult really isn't anything out of the ordinary when it comes to life's events. It's very painful but the vast majority of us will go through it. Yabu to suppose your own problems are so much worse than hers, in the grand scheme of things. I'm not minimising your grief, but you are minimising her problems. Life isn't a competition to see who can rightfully claim the most misery.

ChoudeBruxelles · 04/12/2012 09:00

Well it's quite out of the ordinary in my life - it's only happened twice and it won't happen again.

Mrsjay · 04/12/2012 09:03

even if her moans seem trivial to you they are not to her if she is moaning every time you see her then try and suggest some things to her like apply for a job you could also tell her she is moaning and it is annoying you try the direct approach,

Nancy66 · 04/12/2012 09:07

YANBU - although I have found that there are some people who don't ever want solutions to problems - they just want to whinge about everything. Try and offer a way to solve something and they don't want to know.

Some people like to wallow.

Mrsjay · 04/12/2012 09:10

Some people like to wallow

this

It is just how some people are

MayTheOddsBeEverInYourFavour · 04/12/2012 09:28

I don't know really, some people do like to wallow but on the other hand not all problems can be 'fixed'

I try really hard to look on the bright side and count my blessings but between family bereavements and me becoming severely disabled, in pain all day every day and me and my husband both having to give up working as well as him becoming my full time carer,well what can I do to make any of that better?

Maybe your friend is in a place where she really can't do anything about it?

But I also do know people who don't ever want to help themselves and maybe she is one of those? Sometimes it's not always easy to tell when someones really struggling or wallowing for the sake of it

I shall now go and remove the splinters from my arse from sitting on the fence Grin

ChoudeBruxelles · 04/12/2012 09:30

Also I'm not trying to claim most misery - but someone moaning a lot and doing nothing about the things that are causing the moans is tiresome

Mrsjay · 04/12/2012 09:33

but someone moaning a lot and doing nothing about the things that are causing the moans is tiresome

yes it is it makes you want to bang your head off the nearest wall , My husband is a bit of a moaner and it is exhausting sigh try and direct conversation to a happier place so she doesn't wallow,

Thistledew · 04/12/2012 10:02

I think that one reason that 'wallowers' can feel so draining to 'fixers' is that a fixer, as soon as they hear about a problem, will automatically start thinking through ways of finding a solution. To hear about the same problems over and over again uses up the same mental energy each time in thinking of solutions and which the ends up in a big frustrated mess when the wallower does nothing to fix the problem. The fixer is left itching to try to work a solution and then has to use yet more energy suppressing those feelings of frustration.

I have a friend who is incredibly sorted and successful in all aspects of her life apart from relationships. She is always sad that she does not have a ltr, but will not do anything to meet new men, and if she does happen to meet someone she likes, will almost go to lengths to conceal from him that she likes him. If by some chance a guy does ask her out, she turns on some real sabotaging behaviour and will not listen to me or other friends pointing out that she is doing so. I have suggested all sorts - Internet dating, speed dating, counselling to sort out her issues but she won't try anything.

I just tell myself now that this is the way she is, I can't do anything to help her change until she decides she wants to. I still listen to her complain about it but stop myself from thinking of ways to try and help her. I do lots of "oh dear that sounds terrible" and "what a shame" sympathy but don't engage with suggesting it could be better. I have found that as a result she now talks about her problems less, and I don't feel as frustrated by her doing so.

Latara · 04/12/2012 10:02

This is why i hate discussing my problems, even anonymously, in case people think i moan too much...

Latara · 04/12/2012 10:07

Actually i do moan about my weight but then think hmm about my eating & no exercise habits... so right now i'm eating Ryvita not cake & pledge not to moan about my weight anymore.

I hate to talk about my health problems that are quite serious though because it's too personal IYSWIM. I only discuss them when i need to let people know about them.

Thistledew · 04/12/2012 10:21

Latara that sounds suspiciously close to moaning about not being allowed to moan Wink.

I think we can all tell the difference between someone off loading about a problem that cannot be solved, for which most of us will have loads of sympathy and time, and people going on about problems that could be tackled, but the complainer seems to get more from complaining than they would from solving the thing they complain about.

Kalisi · 04/12/2012 10:22

Yanbu OP. I am always there for my friends and certainly don't compare problems in terms of their 'severity', however I do have one particular friend who has definately developed a 'victim' mentality and it is extremely frustrating and requires a lot of patience to be that shoulder to cry on.
Some problems are thrown at us and some materialise through our own actions and decisions. Yes it is best not to judge and say 'I told you so' but we must all be responsible for our decisions in life and knowing someone who sits around moaning about their situation with no real intention to change it is fucking annoying.