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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to insist on staying in a hotel nearby?

20 replies

aamia · 03/12/2012 12:09

Going to visit my parents in January with a four month old baby (DH couldn't get time off work to come until Feb, I go back to work then so will be going on my own).

DM has dementia, isn't with it at all, won't leave the house, very confused. DF obviously wants to see the baby, he wants her to see him too. I think he'd secretly love me to move in for the week, do his washing, cook for him, and generally give him a break. In principle I'd love to help him (as he could do with a rest tbh), but...

they have a dog, who has bitten DF in the past (wouldn't dare bite me, but that won't protect my child necessarily), and is fairly unpredictable temperament wise. It's old now but still...
DS co-sleeps at home, there is no double bed in the house, no bed with a mattress under 27 years old, DF is suggesting a travel cot but DS will only sleep alone in daylight hours (so will cry) and I don't see why he should tbh, he's a tiny baby, why can't he sleep with his mum?
DF kinda winces every time I bf DS (he's visited), and I have no idea what DM's reaction will be. She would've been against bf if she still had a functioning mind...
I'm dreading even the idea of coping with my mum, and a baby, at the same time. My mum is like a toddler, but obviously adult-sized, then there will be the added worry of keeping DS away from the dog (who is their adored pet), and I think if I'm there 24/7 I'll go nuts.

So - WIBU to say I'm staying in a hotel, nearby? And any advice on how to deal with the dog much appreciated!!!

OP posts:

Original poster

aamia · 03/12/2012 12:11

And just to add - the thing with the bf etc - at least if I was sleeping elsewhere I'd get part of the day stress-free!

OP posts:

squeakytoy · 03/12/2012 12:14

Is your father understanding about your quite reasonable concerns about the dog? If so then he should be fine about you staying at a hotel.

I also think maybe you need to cut your dad a bit of slack about breastfeeding in front of him. He is of a generation where he is likely to feel embarassed about seeing his own daughter doing this, so ask him for some privacy when you need to do it.

I also imagine he would love a break as being a carer is probably exhausting for him, and I expect you will be able to help him while you are at the house. Send him out for a walk with the baby perhaps.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 03/12/2012 12:14

I dunno, it;s a tough one. On one hand I totally see your POV regarding dog/sleeping but on the other I feel for your dad. Coping with someone with dementia is full on, he could probably do with a break, some company and general support.

To be totally honest, in your shoes, I would stay with your DF. Obv you wouldnt leave your baby unattended near the dog anyway and you have enough time to sort out your sleeping arrangements so that you can co-sleep with your baby/

Give your dad some moral support, I bet he could really do with it.

dexter73 · 03/12/2012 12:14

Book the hotel!

Blu · 03/12/2012 12:19

Goodness, it sounds very difficult. Staying in a hotel sounds the most sensible option, with a sort of camp established in the spare room. Then I would perhaps let your DS nap in the spare room in the travel cot with the door firmly closed against the dog while you help you dad with a good pull-through in the house, laundry one day, cooking and getting stuff in the freezer the next. I would also perhaps try and arrive with a couple of pre-made meals.

I can see that your dad desparately needs a break, but you can only do what you can do. If you set up day camp in the spare room, you can cheefully say 'just off to feed DS' and shut yourself in for some privacy, listen to some music and feed DS in peace.

Original poster

aamia · 03/12/2012 12:39

If I stay there, any ideas on a way to fix the co-sleeping problem?

And the dog is a cocker spaniel, used to jumping onto sofas to snuggle up with people, used to being allowed into every room, on beds etc. To add to that, if anything he's getting grouchier in his old age, as he has a touch of arthritis so easily jars his joints. I'm thinking he won't be able to get into a travel cot, but I'll have to either have DS in there or holding him, as there's no way my mum will understand and she'll just let the dog into every room we're in if she feels like it. So no sitting down even, and I'll have to leave the baby upstairs in the spare room, crying probably, while we eat! Dog just snaps when he goes - no real warning. Has never been a problem in a house full of adults who can deal with him!

OP posts:

squeakytoy · 03/12/2012 12:43

Are there any friends of your parents who could take the dog for a few days. Old arthritic dogs can be more unpredictable than most, so I really wouldnt want a small baby in that environment when the dog is not used to it.

LRDtheFeministDude · 03/12/2012 12:43

Oh, that's so difficult. But I reckon if you stay with them, you will find it so stressful it might actually be less of a break for your dad than he is thinking, and it'd be very tough on you.

You're saying your DH could come with you in February - could you make a plan to come and both stay then, so that you'd have another adult to help out? That might mollify your dad (who is obviously having such a hard time).

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this.

JustFabulous · 03/12/2012 12:48

I would book the hotel. You can co-sleep in the evening. Breakfast with the baby in the morning, go to your parents mid morning. Have lunch together, maybe an afternoon walk so baby can sleep in the buggy. Cook a meal, do double to freeze, then back to the hotel. You can leave dinner for your parents and eat at the hotel or eat together then back to the hotel.

Dog - never leave your baby with anyone so you are in total control.

BF - take someone to cover up if you feel that is respectful to your father or tell him you need to feed and does he want you to leave the room or would he rather.

Hopeforever · 03/12/2012 12:53

You will be happier staying in a hotel, will sleep better and be more helpful to your father in the day time as a result.

Present the hotel solution as a win win by bigging up the benefits.

I would not co sleep on an old matress, too much roll together.

CMOTDibbler · 03/12/2012 12:54

I'd stay in a hotel - my mum also has dementia and although they don't have dogs now, you can't leave a small child alone (ie with my parents) for more than a minute due to all the stuff in the house.

If you take a travel cot, then your ds can nap in there while you get on with things for your dad, and if you use a sling then he'll be safely with you, having had a good roll/crawl at the hotel in the morning.

I find being with my parents makes me more emotional than usual too - all the thoughts of other peoples parents and what they do for them, rather than having to go and bleach the feck out of their parents kitchen or sort through the off food in the fridge.

ENormaSnob · 03/12/2012 12:56

I would stay in a hotel.

adeucalione · 03/12/2012 12:56

I think you need to talk to your dad about your concerns - explain about the dog and the co-sleeping and the fact that you need privacy to breastfeed, and then you can discuss whether these hurdles can be overcome; if not, it will have helped him to understand why you have decided to check into a hotel and he won't be offended.

CailinDana · 03/12/2012 13:08

Stay in a hotel. With a four month old baby you are not in a position to be catering to other people - you need to be able to get some rest and have some peace. By all means help your dad as much as possible during the day but don't overdo it - if anything people should be helping you. I know it's very tough on your dad but he needs to realise you're at a stage in your life where your ability to help out is limited. As for the dog - really he should be got rid of when there's a baby around but if that's not possible then you'll just have to be as vigilant as you can. Sounds very stressful and I think if you had no opportunity to escape in the evenings you would find it very hard indeed.

CailinDana · 03/12/2012 13:09

Also, apart at all from the dog, is there any possibility of your mother being a danger to the baby? I'm not saying she would hurt him or anything but could she walk off with him, or perhaps try to change him/bathe him without really being able to?

OTTMummA · 03/12/2012 13:20

Adding to the above, a lot of people with dementia do not keep regular sleep at night time, if you d

OTTMummA · 03/12/2012 13:21

If you d

OTTMummA · 03/12/2012 13:21

If you don't have a secure room I would book the hotel.

YouOldSlag · 03/12/2012 13:25

stay in a hotel and just say you have to "because of the baby".

You can't be your Dad's helper for a week AND be there 24/7 for your baby's needs. Plus YOU need rest as well as you need to look after your baby.

I sympathise though, my MIL has dementia and we can't leave the kids with her. It's an awful disease.

LoopsInHoops · 03/12/2012 13:27

Oh crikey, book a hotel. Seriously, you will need it dealing with daytimes of everything else. You can still be there for your dad in the day, and do everything he expects of you.

Take a travel cot, a sling, a highchair (not ideal for 4 month olf but fine for 15 minutes while you eat etc.)

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