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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel sorry for DS who was 21 today and got.....

115 replies

ThatVikRinA22 · 02/12/2012 23:16

from us - he has a nexus 10 but its a combined xmas/birthday pressie so he has decided to have it on xmas day.

we have no family. not a one on either side. so im usually very thankful that my friends buy for him. Ive always said they dont need to, and he is now 21 so really it should stop.

really it needs to stop - my friends gave him:
friend 1. a xmas bag which contained various items of smart price/value food - including a smart price pot noodle. a fucking value pot noodle. please - if you cant afford a real pot noodle dont fucking bother....and i had told her that i buy his food.
friend 2. a matalan body warmer. too small and dog turd colour. now ive never quite seen the point of body warmers anyway - where are the sleeves???? what good is a coat with no sleeves anyway? no tags in so suspect it may not be new....and it doesnt even fit me or id have nicked it for horse riding.
friend 3. something useful. a fiver. god bless her.

so. IABU for being an ungrateful cow probably. but really - i find some of this slightly insulting.....id rather they didnt bother tbh than put this little thought into it.
the fiver was very gratefully received - he is a student.
the value pot noodle im Angry at. irrationally so. i buy their kids nice things - wooden stamp sets, hmv vouchers, not fucking value pot noodles.....my poor boy. luckily he is gracious and accepting. he has AS and is lovely. unlike me. im not lovely. im pissed off.

i need more Wine

OP posts:
Original poster
ThatVikRinA22 · 02/12/2012 23:58

yep.

i am clearly loved by my friends. DS is a lovely sweet lad, he is currently doing a website for free for my riding instructor, he is helpful, sweet and caring.

really this has got me thinking. really thinking. what a fucking mug i am

OP posts:
Narked · 02/12/2012 23:59

That was shitty.

SPsFanjoIsSantasLittleHoHoHo · 03/12/2012 00:00

I'd be wrapping them back up and giving them back at christmas!

OkayHazel · 03/12/2012 00:01

YABU

She probably thought it was a quirky 'student survival' kit in very good humour. Tesco value, add-water food, £5 - student essentials!
You'll also find that at top unis across the gilet - or bodywarmer - is a student staple - often mocked for being toff-ish and Jack Wills-y.

I think it's quite a good idea actually. Maybe not for a 21st though, I see your point.
MY housemate is moving to uni Spain, and I'm going to send her off with a similar hamper of Spanish student stereotypes. Do they do Primark sombreros and Tesco value paella?

WilsonFrickett · 03/12/2012 00:05

My DM has outrageously sensitive skin. She's famous for it as in she's been to hairdressers, beauticians, spas and left with actual burns. She cant wear any perfumed products at all and Everyone knows about it. For her 50th her 'bingo buddies' chipped in for a £5 bag of cheap shite facial products from the market. People can just be thoughtless about presents - like the effort of deciding to buy something wears them out and they can't quite get as far as buying something good or appropriate.

SantaIAmSoFuckingRock · 03/12/2012 00:05

i'd feel sorry for him too TBH. the pot noodle thing i could sort of see them thinking "oh this is what students like" but if i was think of student food, i'd buy the premium range (branded/whatever it's called) stuff on the basis that students dont get to buy it and as a birthday is for treats, it would be nice to have the good stuff.

we have a family member who buys cheap cheap shite as presents even for adults in the family and we would rather she just didn't as it really feels like she's gone "oh that'll do". what's the point in buying a present you dont want to buy and that everyone can tell you dont want to buy? (this woman is far from skint BTW)

Original poster
ThatVikRinA22 · 03/12/2012 00:09

this had zero thought put into it - she asked about buying him food and i said i buy it all - really a couple of quid would have been fine but this just shows really how very little they think of us/him. it looks like they cleared out their cupboard and put it in an xmas bag.

i just feel like a mug. an idiot. i feel obligated to continue to buy for their children who have a huge family to buy for them and tbh i dont even think they know what we buy anyway - they never say thank you. their kids are young and it probably gets lost in the scrum. i buy for theirs because they have always bought for ours but this shows what sort of effort goes into it.

i really dont mind anyone not buying for him or buying him something cheap - but if its the thought that counts then this says it all.

a thought would have been to buy him some chocolate (he loves chocolate) or some shower gel or something he would use.

im sad that our "friends" think this little of us really. zero thought when into this.

OP posts:
GoldQuintessenceAndMyhrr · 03/12/2012 00:10

A Value Pot Noodle.

I am utterly speechless. So what he is an adult at 21, but 21 is special.

It is an insult to buy a pot noodle to anyone for their 21st birthday. I would be furious.

I would give the present you already have bought for this friends child to charity, I am sure your local church does a collection. Instead give them some hair knick knack from claires, or something that the kids will appreciate but the parents know is deliberate.

Yanbu at all. Nothing to do with being ungrateful, what is it to be grateful for?

GoldQuintessenceAndMyhrr · 03/12/2012 00:12

x post. Stop buying for these kids. You are under no obligation.

Unless you buy them a pot noodle. A Special one. Wink Then, at least you have the moral high ground as you bought a higher quality present.

Original poster
ThatVikRinA22 · 03/12/2012 00:14

*went

hey ho.
it just somehow makes it worse. buying something really truly thoughless seems worse than nothing.
i shall have a Wine and dwell no more.

OP posts:
Original poster
ThatVikRinA22 · 03/12/2012 00:17

ive already bought for their kids quint but i will stop making such an effort in future i think.

i always spend around £10 - £15 on each of their kids for both xmas and birthdays.

the pal who bought him the gilet that doesnt fit - ive already bought her a pandora charm - she specified a colour and to get a coloured one was £40.

im going to stop being such a fucking mug. from now.

OP posts:
SantaIAmSoFuckingRock · 03/12/2012 00:21

vicar really, stop buying for them. it isn't appreciated. they joy is supposed to be in giving but you resent doing it. those chidlren will not miss what you dont buy as they already get loads. if it was being reciprocated then no problem but it isnt and i know you and DH are struggling right now.

i have stopped buying for a lot of extended family children because like you say, it was lost in the scrum and was never reciprocated for my children. i dont feel bad about it at all. i buy for the important people.

bondigidum · 03/12/2012 00:22

It does sound like a poor joke gone wrong BUT usually after the initial disappointment of the silly jokey gift a real gift is then whipped out, this is where they went wrong.

Not even a real pot noodle though.. If I were doing the joke gift at least make it a real pot noodle so its edible.. I wouldn't buy for their kids ever ever again. Even the gifts you already have got for them, take them back or give them to someone else.

SantaIAmSoFuckingRock · 03/12/2012 00:23

xpost.

sell their presents on ebay. get them all a £5 asda gift voucher.

i cant beleive your 'friend' specified exactly what to get her when she got him a gilet that doesn't even fit and looks like shit.

Original poster
ThatVikRinA22 · 03/12/2012 00:28

see i know the joy is in the giving - i dont actually resent giving - im resenting what they have given to DS.....for DS but the irony is that he doesnt see that what they got him was shit....he has Aspergers and doesnt really get the underlying message that i have....to him its a gift and he accepted it as such.

its me. i didnt miss the enormity of the crapness of what happened here. he thankfully did - its gone over his head.

i will plough on and give what ive bought for this year. no point in changing it now.
i just need to learn from this. i can still get nice things for them, i just need to invest less effort.

OP posts:
zipzap · 03/12/2012 00:29

I'd be tempted to say to the friend that gave him the body warmer on the quiet that you know that ds is lovely and wouldn't say anything but could she give you the receipt for the bodywarmer as it is too small for him and it seems such a shame after she has gone to all the effort of getting him a present to get him something that he can't use. But that it's lovely, a body warmer is a great idea and will be great to keep him cosy at uni, so you thought if she could give you the receipt you could change it for a bigger size so that he could actually use it...

If it was an honestly bought present then they shouldn't mind in the slightest as most normal decent people would be upset if they thought their present didn't fit the recipient. And for something like a bodywarmer you would have thought that you would have been better off getting bigger rather than smaller so you can put it over big jumpers when it's really cold.

If they have regifted it or worn it and decided they didn't like it or whatever, then they will have to make excuses and will know that they have been caught, even if they have to bluff and say that there were other things on the receipt so you will have to give it back to her to sort out and then either ask her to stick the money on a gift card so you can send it up to him and he can try on the clothes to make sure he gets something that fits and that he likes, or try to steer her towards say a black or navy bodywarmer that will at least be much more wearable than dog turd coloured.

And as for giving a value pot of pot noodles - that's rotten. Agree that if she wanted to give food then she should have given something nice and a treat. think it is sainsburys but maybe other supermarkets do it now where you can put money onto a student food card so that they can buy their food locally (assuming you both have a local sainsburys!) but you can top it up with money from where you are. she could have put a few pounds on a card for him so he didn't have to carry it or at least choose stuff he likes - buying food for someone as opposed to buying them a treat of chocolate etc - is such a personal thing, she has no idea whether or not he would like those things she chose (value item or not!) so again he could have ended up with a load of things that he wouldn't normally eat.

Poor ds.

Hope you both had a lovely day together and he enjoyed his birthday!

pookamoo · 03/12/2012 00:31

I want to buy Vicar's DS some chocolate. Sad

CuriousMama · 03/12/2012 00:33

I agree sell the gifts on ebay. And re-wrap the pot noodle Grin

Aww I want to send him something and I'm skint. I'd paint him a nice picture of his favourite thing. I did DS1 a painting from the Dark tower series (Stephen King) instead of a birthday card but then dp brought a card in after his night shift. It's on my profile. If he'd like a painting I'll do him one. Just PM me Vicar.

People never fail to amaze me. Luckily as I get older I find myself becoming very selective with friendships. I have plenty of acquaintances and a few really good friends. Also a few who've fallen been thrown by the wayside.

SPsFanjoIsSantasLittleHoHoHo · 03/12/2012 00:34

Me too pook

And a proper bloody pot noodle!

Original poster
ThatVikRinA22 · 03/12/2012 00:41

thank you really Smile but he is not short of chocolate! and i dont think he even eats pot noodles! he is funny with food (aspergers!)

curious your painting is amazing!

his girlfriend makes cards (she has her own business) and made him a lovely personalised card - and he really loved it. she didnt get him anything but he really loved his card because it had a reference to a website he goes on regularly and he spotted it....she made something of significance to him.

i didnt mean to start a pity party but it just pissed me off a bit. a lot

OP posts:
SoleSource · 03/12/2012 00:42

Maybe that is all they can afford?

RudolphTheRedNosedTapir · 03/12/2012 00:44

It would piss me off if anyone gave my dcs a gift like that - you are most utterly and definitely NBU!

Is there anything else in particular that he would appreciate for his birthday? (After all, 21 is such a big birthday) Would love to send a little treat winging it's way to him.

CuriousMama · 03/12/2012 00:49

DS2 was being checked for aspergers but they say he doesn't have it now? He can be really funny about food. And if you are wearing buttons he can't eat in front of you. My friend's ds has autism and he will only eat brown food. If I cook him chips or pizza, his main diet, he hovers around asking me umpteen times if they'll be brown enough Smile He's lush.

Original poster
ThatVikRinA22 · 03/12/2012 00:52

really that is very kind but he is fine - like i say the pot noodle thing has actually gone over his head, just not gone over mine. I got him lots of chocolate, his friend came today with a big bar of toblerone and a tin of roses...he now has enough choc to sink a small ship!

my friends are not short of money, and if they were i would hate to think that they felt they had to buy anything at all - i said years ago they should stop buying for him, i said stop at 18!

the whole thing really has gone over his head. he will have forgotten it by tomorrow, it really hasnt bothered him at all.

its me thats got pissy about it....

but really Thanks
you are all lovely.

OP posts:
CuriousMama · 03/12/2012 00:53

Oh and it's not a pity party we all know how it pulls at our hearts when our dcs get short changed. Hurts a lot.