To be furious with my MIL when she tells my husband my laundry skills are lacking??

[MadWinter]

Hey, my DH and MIL have had a serious chat about all the things the in-laws find very hard to take. The stuff that really worries them. This includes: the mess in the sideroom, grey underpants that used to be white their grandson is wearing, smelly shirts their grandson is wearing to school and the general disarray of our house. I am absolutely furious. What on earth is she thinking. My DH never does anything in the house, and besides, who cares. My household is up to my standards, and yes, sometimes I see stuff that needs to be done differently but either don't know a better solution (the grey underpants are 2 years old, my DS grabs them from the bottom of the pile as he loves them so much, and I have been meaning to throw them away, and yes the smelly shirts sounds awful, but sometimes the room they are drying in is a tad too cold and it takes too long for them to dry and then they have a slight smell, no idea what to do about that really). Anyway, so I don't know a better solution, or, frankly it hasn't been my priority (the mess in the sideroom has been on my to do list for a year, but there's always a leaky tap or a lawn to be mown first). But what on earth is she doing even thinking about this, then commenting on it and discussing it with my DH. And why on earth do I even bother defending myself in my own mind??? Surely this is none of her business. Or should I be grateful someone cares? Should I be grateful someone bothers to let me know? Should I enlist her for advice on what detergent to use and how to hang my laundry??

OP , you've had plenty of advice re laundry so I won't touch that. The main problem as I see it is your DH. He is relaying stuff to you that he shouldn't, if he thinks these are issues that do need addressing then why isn't he doing it? Is he hiding behind what his mother says instead of talking to you about things that you can both do to improve the situation.

You say that MIL does things that you don't like but don't mention them to her. Do you tell your husband though? If so this is what MIL is doing too. Do you think he then conveys your criticisms of her,to her?

In short I think this is mostly a problem of your husband's making. He should defend you when she criticises. He should not pass on those criticisms. If he thinks there is validity in the criticisms he should sort them himself or plan with you to sort household tasks together. And he should not pass criticism from you to his parents either, this would just reinforce and encourage them to use him as middleman.

Agh - my mil is from a country where she just made do and ensured everything is done.

She's like that with me.

I live in a small flat and the difficulty I have is in the spring and autumn when it's too hot for the radiators to dry my clothes but not quite warm enough for the sun outside to dry clothes. At the odd times I've had some rather too long dried clothes and they smell I've just put them to wash again. It's a pain but I do it because UK weather is very unpredictable.

But I also just laugh in mils face for the fact that my kid is dry, educated, polite, can do things for himself whereas her grown up kids are highly dependent and dirty and lazy. And I bear the brunt of it. That doesn't get her to shut up unfortunately as she doesn't see the value in having independent grown up kids who who know how to brush their teeth. So I just laugh at her anyhow.

You can't argue with ignorance . All you can do is ensure your kids are OK.

I'm don't want to appear unkind but you say you would rather concentrate on yor career than do housework, I think you are being massively selfish. Your son smells! Do you not think people at school notice this? Kids can be very cruel. There was a girl at my school when I was young who smelled and always looked uncared for (rumpled clothes, unbrushed hair) and she was teased constantly by othe children, even all through high school when she had learned to take a bit better care of herself.
Also if you have a responsible job surely you're not going to work smelly? And if not you why should your son suffer that fate?
I have a good career and often am needed to work 10 hours per day if we have client meetings etc but I still have time to keep a clean house and make sure laundry etc is done (with Dh's help mind you but why shouldn't he help?)

OP it sounds like you and your DH need to get on top of the housework.

Split the chores up. Outsource what you can afford to. Prioritise.

Why is it a case of a dh "helping" - surely it's a case of dh doing It's like saying a father is "babysitting" when he's looking after his own children. Double - and some to boot.

Housework doesn't happen by magic. Everyone in a house contributes to the cleaning requirements (both of clothes and of the house itself) and as such, should be part of the solution. Really Young children are exempted but in our house, if ds (12) doesn't put his dirty clothes into the wash basket, they don't get washed. Next step is teaching him how to iron

I've got my fair share of grey knickers or knickers with grey lace/trim - and that's despite always trying to separate whites from coloureds and using colour catcher sheets in the coloured wash. It's not an indictment on my housekeeping skills. Fortunately it's never yet happened to a shirt - but then, our white shirts/blouses are cotton or cotton mix and it seems to be the modern synthetics that are particularly susceptible to certain dyes.

I am at the pasting that the OP has got on here. I thought MN wasn't as "Stepford Wives" as this.

I agree - everyone attacking the OP's laundry skills is seriously missing the point.

Her husband is an adult. HIS mum told HIM, the house was too messy, laundry not done well enough etc. So how is this the OP's problem?

DH should man up and either tell his mum to bee off, or sort the house. Not go whinging to his wife, like a needy loser.

People are wading in about launry skills because she has quite happily admitted that her and her husband are slobs who apparently don't mind that their DS is smelly and crumpled or the house is a mess. There is concern that a child will be picked on - It does happen. It happened in the 70/80's when I was at school and it happened in the last decade when my boys were at primary and it happens now.

As I and others have said , why would you want your child to be the scruff of the class.

Things have moved on since the first post.

You can go too far with the laundry/ironing though. My MIL mentioned once that she used to iron underpants, and socks for DH because she wanted him to look nicely turned out for school :o

My DC look nicely turned out too, but I don't iron underwear (vests if they look really crumpled only), and rarely iron the school uniform unless it looks as if it needs doing.

I'd be pissed, but only about her complaining about me. She should have taught her son to do laundry before he met you.

But between you you do need to work out a system for clean fresh clothes for your DC.

The MIL should keep her nose out of it - it has nothing to do with her. Except for the fact that she has produced a lazy son, who can't be arsed to pull his weight. Also why is you DH taking about you like this? Was it in front of you or behind you back? Either way it is not acceptable. My DH would be in serious trouble if he treated me like this.

Buy your hubby a lakeland clothes horse dryer for Xmas and tell him he is in charge of the laundry from now on?

But the OP has already said that she's going to address the airing issue - and yet people are now attacking her for greying whites. I seem to have stepped into another universe.

Ds went to school in a stained sweatshirt for most of his primary school career. It was clean but every single sweat shirt he got seemed to develop a sort of grease stain in the middle of the front. Fortunately his school has a zero approach to bullying (that, and the fact that every other kid who had one of the logo-ed sweatshirts probably had the same problem I wouldn't know as I wasn't looking and I'm not that judgemental )

Interesting that the OP's quote about her son was selectively quoted by a later poster: "Personally I couldn't care less about cupcakes and the occasionally crumpled shirt (on average my son is usually best dressed in his class, as far as I can see)" and used to judge her.

I think that is a perfectly fair statement. :)

(And I speak as someone who does enjoy baking but won't judge others who don't).

I am both amused and annoyed by all the hoity toity snoots hoiking their bosoms at greying pants!!
Caring so much about whiter than white whites does not make you worthy or a better parent. You can give a toss about it if you like - but do not for one second think you are achieving anything that actually matters. Certainly nothing that raises you above those who don't.

Pictish It wasn't about the whites!!!!

www.google.co.uk/products/catalog?hl=en&sugexp=les%3B&gs_rn=0&gs_ri=tablet-gws&cp=10&gs_id=13&xhr=t&q=spin+dryer&biw=1024&bih=672&bav=on.2,or.r_gc.r_pw.&bpcl=39314241&um=1&ie=UTF-8&cid=6983698148028783642&sa=X&ei=ftu8UNaLJ8Wg0QXxlIGoDA&sqi=2&ved=0CD4Q8gIwAQ

OP if you've got this far - hurrah. Spin dryer less time/less money on the heated clothes horse. Less humidity in house which can cause mould.

Some people got lemon faced over the greying pants! "There's no excuse!" one poster snotted about it.
Reminds me of my granny - she scrubbed her place from top to bottom and took her laundry doing very seriously. She was still a tiny minded, opinionated, mealy mouthed bigot, with nothing nice to say, no knowledge to impart, and kept scrapbooks of the Royal family because they were so lovely.

She was a moron. Her pants might have been white, but her mind was very small. Unlike her mouth.

Well my pants are white but glad to let you know that none of the other things apply. I don't give a stuff about looking like a 'good housewife' but I do give a stuff about looking/smelling shite.

Yay, go Pictish. Life is too damn short to waste bleaching your husband's smalls.

ummm....'life is too short' - you only have to squeeze some bleach into the powder drawer of the washing machine?

mind you pictish does have a point - my ex MIL spends her life on the laundry and the rest of the time sitting smoking and slagging off other women for being 'dirty' and feeling sorry for herself...

This thread reminds of Persil boxes when I was child. They had two boys on the front, one turning away in shame, wearing a greyish shirt, while the beaming child wore Persil-white. Social shaming as a promotional gambit. :o

Why is either a career and living in a pigsty or a dead end job and an immaculate house?

There is a happy medium you know. I work and live in a reasonably clean and tidy house.

I grew up in a pigsty and vowed that my children would never be ashamed of bringing friends home. Children do talk you know and if your house is a pigsty then you can bet your bottom dollar that most of the kids in your son's class will know.

I'm interested to see that some people put having very white clothes on a par with actually smelling.

For me, I really don't care and don't think I would notice if a shirt was less than sparkling white (unless it was like the old persil ad!). I have virtually no white clothes now as after a sicky baby and sticky toddler, it's too high maintenance.

But I sure as hell would care if I stank, or my DP did, or my kids. I remember kids at school being bullied because of it - and horribly, I remember it was the few kids from a care home who had that swampy wet dog unaired laundry smell. I associate it now with kids who are neglected, and it makes me angry now that whoever was looking after them let them go out smelling in such a noticeable way.

I'm sorry if this is wrong/already been mentioned as I haven't read the whole thread lazy but is it possible that your MIL actually had a moan at her own son about these things to try and make him help out more and and he then decided to tell you as if it is all your fault as he is the one who is actually pissed off about it?

Ah the old "a clean house is a wasted life" chestnut.

OP, that's not judgemental at all! The irony.

I don't believe a clean house is a wasted life.
I think that's something messy people tell themselves so they feel better about the tip they bounce around in.

I'm no Martha Stewart by any stretch of the imagination. I deal with whites by not buying any. If it's white or is made of fabric that must be ironed, I don't buy it. Ds1 will start secondary after the next summer holidays, so I'll need to think about it soon, but up until now I have simply rejected white clothing as I cba with it. Even if you do wash it like the bosom hoiking doorstep scrubbers, it goes grey eventually anyway. Easier to just not bother.

However, my house is much much nicer to be in when it's tidyish. I find being in a rabble very unsettling. It's difficult to relax with crud strewn everywhere, and not being able to find anything. Plus, things get broken when a house is untidy. Things drop, get crunched underfoot, then ripped and smashed. I can't imagine anyone finds living in a midden of shite a good experience.