To be furious with my MIL when she tells my husband my laundry skills are lacking??

[MadWinter]

Hey, my DH and MIL have had a serious chat about all the things the in-laws find very hard to take. The stuff that really worries them. This includes: the mess in the sideroom, grey underpants that used to be white their grandson is wearing, smelly shirts their grandson is wearing to school and the general disarray of our house. I am absolutely furious. What on earth is she thinking. My DH never does anything in the house, and besides, who cares. My household is up to my standards, and yes, sometimes I see stuff that needs to be done differently but either don't know a better solution (the grey underpants are 2 years old, my DS grabs them from the bottom of the pile as he loves them so much, and I have been meaning to throw them away, and yes the smelly shirts sounds awful, but sometimes the room they are drying in is a tad too cold and it takes too long for them to dry and then they have a slight smell, no idea what to do about that really). Anyway, so I don't know a better solution, or, frankly it hasn't been my priority (the mess in the sideroom has been on my to do list for a year, but there's always a leaky tap or a lawn to be mown first). But what on earth is she doing even thinking about this, then commenting on it and discussing it with my DH. And why on earth do I even bother defending myself in my own mind??? Surely this is none of her business. Or should I be grateful someone cares? Should I be grateful someone bothers to let me know? Should I enlist her for advice on what detergent to use and how to hang my laundry??

[SantaIAmSoFuckingRock]

some bank accounts have no spare cash for a tumble drier no matter how cheap. i certainly could afford to buy one (luckily i have one)

as for the whites, again, what does it matter if underwear (the things that go under your outerwear) are grey? if it was a shirt or blouse i would totally agree, either whiten it or bin it but pants?

[Mosman]

They make me laugh mother in laws.
My MIL announced she had sent her son to bed ....... he apparently looked tired so she sent him for a lie down, at first I thought he'd been naughty but then remembered he is 43 years old.
I asked if she planned to do his share of the chores whilst he slept.

Ignore, ignore, ignore !

[Morloth]

Grey undies don't matter - smelly shirts do.

[FellatioNelson]

No, grey underpants don't matter in the scheme of things, but I do wonder why some people choose to buy white clothes if they are not repaired to make a small effort to keep them white. I've seen so many children in minging grey school tops that should be white and I always feel sorry for them, it just looks awful.

It is not easy to dry high loads of washing over clothes horses indoors in winter I know that. But some people seem to think a tumble dryer is an unbelievablely indulgent luxury that cannot be justified. Why? You don't go out and scrub your clothes on a washboard in the garden because you think and automatic washing machine is a luxury do you? What's the difference? You have a computer? A TV?

[girlsyearapart]

Now I want a lakeland heated airer!

All other comments have gone out of the window now

[BigBirdisSaved]

?? If you have a heated airer doesn't the damp just collect elsewhere in your house? Wouldn't a dehumidifier be a better idea for your house?

[Bunbaker]

"Lots of kids are embarrassed by their parents slovenly attitude to cleaning and tidying and to some degree it has a negative effect on the kids lives, won't bring other children home, know they are dirty/smell but feel embarrassed to say anything to their parents. And for her to feel the need to point out stuff it must be pretty bad!"

I was one of those children . My mum hated housework and our house was a mess - not just untidy, but filthy. As a result my house is clean and tidy most of the time. It's a wonder that I am not anal about it, but our house is first and foremost a family home and not a showhouse. Like Alibaba I find people who like to live in chaos a bit odd as well.

I'm afraid I am probably with your MIL on this, although she could have been more tactful and helpful. Your husband could also pull his weight more about the house as well. The comment about doing a service clean on your washer is a good one and will get rid of any musty smells.

[GambasAndCava]

OP If your MIL can't help cleaning up when she comes to stay, she can come and stay with us . I don't mind if visitors take it upon themselves to clean when they come, but I wish they didn't feel obliged to.

I too am of the opinion that excessive cleaning/tidying is a sign of a wasted life and I don't care if my MIL judges me for the state of OUR house and it will simply balance the judging I do of her for bringing up her son to believe that the cleaning fairy does exist.

On the odd occasion that she has commented on the lack of vacuuming/bathroom cleaning I have reminded her that these are DPs jobs and if she has any comments on the standards of these she should take them up with him.

[pictish]

I am chuckling at fellatio on this thread.

Her passion on the subject of whites staying white, and proper laundry conduct is lovely.

I especially like 'buy a tumble drier' said with such absolution in the face of it being 2012!

1. Tumble driers are costly in the first place.
   
2. They also cost a mint to run regularly. I have one (which was given to me by a pal who wanted to throw it out) but it's only for emergencies. If I used it as a means of drying all time we wouldn't eat.
   
3. Some people don't have room for a tumble drier. As in NO ROOM. As in their house is small and there is no room for a tumble drier. Anywhere.
   

Tumble driers are a total luxury for the low in income Fellatio, but your let-them-eat-cake approach is very cute.

[pictish]

I hear that the Lakeland heated airer is a donkey actually. I sought out reviews (not on the Lakeland website obviously) when I was considering buying one.
Reviews NOT on the Lakeland website had it down as cumbersome, difficult to move, no good for a full load of washing as only a few items dry at a time, and that the flex was really short making it difficult to place it within your home without an extension lead. For example, jeans were said to dry at the bit touching the actual bar, and the rest of them took as long to dry as ever.
Given the price of it, I decided not to bother.

[poshfrock]

I had one of these until I could afford a tumble dryer ( and had a room to put one in). It's cheap to run, great for shirts and folds away when not being used.
www.argos.co.uk/static/Product/partNumber/8501147.htm

[RainbowsFriend]

i had a tumble dryer for a while - given to me by friend.

It DOUBLED my electricity bills in a month.

I then swapped it for a breadmaker and a ceiling airer - which works just as well as long as you have a through draft - a window cracked open....

[freddybanana]

It all sounds pretty disgusting frankly. I used to work with a bloke who smelt of clothes that hadn't been dried properly. I used to retch when he came near me.

At the end of the day, it's none of anyone's business except you and your DH's. It does sound like you both need to get your house in order. Maybe this is a wake up call?

[Tailtwister]

I can sympathise with the washing problem OP. I've had the same thing and it's maddening and tricky to deal with if you don't have drying facilities or a damp house. Lots of good tips already, so I won't reiterate.

Your MIL should be reading her son the riot act and getting him to help you out OP. Take heart that you are one of many mothers who are receiving similar criticism from their MIL's and mothers up and down the country. We all drop the ball at some point or another (I know I do) and don't meet other people's expectations. IMO your DH should be defending you, not passing on negative comments from his mother.

[OneLittleToddlingTerror]

Your DH needs to do things in the house sorry. Maybe ask your MIL for help to get him to pull his weight? If my DH ever moaned about the bedsheets not getting washed, I told him straight why didn't he changed them and start the machine. Ditto with towels. (DH puts his own clothes in the basket already, and same for DD clothes if he's changing hers).

[rainrainandmorerain]

Well, as others have said, no to sending kids to school in clothes that smell - it isn't fair (that swampy undried laundry smell is really quite nasty). But as someone who has fought a battle with stored bed sheets that got that smell, I do sympathise, and there is good anti-stinky laundry advice here.

Otherwise - why tf is your mil having this conversation with her son? is he just relaying information on to you, as if it is nothing to do with him? Or is he actually stirring (how does you Mil know what your ds's school pants look like? he doesn't wear them over his trousers, does he?)

this sounds like it is about you and your husband having clear firm conversations about what is going to be done around the house, and who will do it (you both work, right?). You both need to pull your weight, and he needs to support you, not his MiL. fwiw, I think before you lock horns with anyone else about housework, esp if they are criticising you, you might spend a little time being totally clear in your own mind what your attitude towards housework etc is, and what you genuinely want to see in your own home. you talk about 'cupcakes' and say a 'clean house is the sign of a wasted life'. But not wanting to bake cupcakes is different from sending a kid out in clothes that smell, to be blunt. And I'm the main breadwinner in our family, and not what I would call houseproud, but I do want things to be fairly clean. Squalor and filth isn't a sign of virtue afaik (I'm not saying your house is squalorous or filthy btw).

If you are feeling overwhelmed and resentful about having to do work around the house, them you can be honest about that and think of solutions (get dp to do more, get a cleaner if you can afford one). It doesn't sound to me as if you genuinely don't care what your house is like - it sounds more like you know you'd like things a bit better, which makes it all the more irritating when your mil butts in with her opinions.

And again I sympathise. I am the chief breadwinner, I don't see it as my job to do the most work around the house, or do things 'for' my able bodied adult partner. I will do my half. That is fair. But my mil still comments on house things as if they were solely my responsibility, and has a tendency to see her son doing anything at all (like grocery shopping or washing) as him doing 'so much.' It's a generational thing - I think it is at the heart of much conflict with MiLs everywhere.

[Hobbitation]

Can you get/have you room for a tumble drier? Other than that can you dry clothes in the kitchen or somewhere else very warm and dry? I used to hate drying clothes - once I was expecting DD2 I had to get a tumble drier to cope with the volume of stuff. Reduces the need for ironing too. Also agree with the comments that DH needs to do more. Can you get a cleaner though too? That would take some pressure off both of you.

Also make sure whoever does the laundry doesn't leave washed clothes in the machine - that's the only time our stuff has been smelly, though sticking it through another wash removes that.

Are you depressed and not coping? I have mild depression and sometimes just can't deal with house stuff apart from the bare minimum, and it can all get on top of me and I don't know where to begin. Especially when I'm not sleeping well with it. Do you think your MIL might be concerned that you aren't coping, rather than being nasty? Either way I think you need to sit down with DH and work out what needs doing and who will do what and when.

[MrsMushroom]

Can't MIL do the children's clothes for you? If I had a damp house my MIL would offer to help with at least the DCs clothing.

[Bonsoir]

Your MIL thinks you are a slattern. Sounds as if you are!

[Cantbelieveitsnotbutter]

Well maybe your mil could offer to help instead if criticise!
I have a massive drying problem in my old draughty non centrally heated house,, I have a tumble dryer but can't afford to run it. So what I do is put a convector heater in our incredibly messy side room where we dry the washing!!! It's on a timer 12-5 to take advantage of cheap leccy - job done. No more smells (it was driving me mental!)

Life is for living not cleaning xx

[OnTheBottomWithAStringOfTinsel]

I only have central heating since this time last year - I did 10 years without.

Now and again in damp, cold weather, I got a whiff off the laundry.

I used to rewash it (if I had time) and when drying, spread it out really well and rotate it.

I also found (lazy mare me!) when trying to get creases out of linen trousers, that ironing ALL the clothes straight out of the washing machine took half the damp off them and got rid of all the creases! (when I could be bothered to iron, that is...)

Oh, and MY knickers are grey - CBA whitening them (mind you no one sees them but me)

[Cantbelieveitsnotbutter]

Oh that should read heater is on 12am-5am.

[Theala]

My DH never does anything in the house

Fine. Tell him from now on he's in charge of doing the laundry and keeping the side room tidy. And if he needs any helpful tips on how to do so, he can ask his mother. Problem solved.

[Mayisout]

Just tell DH not to repeat criticisms, end of.

I repeat -

Just tell DH not to repeat criticisms.

[dreamingbohemian]

Tbh if I didn't have time to clean the house regularly, I'd be happy for someone to show up once a year and deep clean for free!

But seriously OP -- you need to sort out the housework dynamics in your house, not for you or your MIL but for your kids' sake.

Because what are they learning at the moment? Dad does nothing, Mum does the bare minimum, and it's okay to go to school in really stinky shirts.

If you don't teach them differently, who will? Will you be happy for your DS to grow up and be a slob and expect his partner to do everything?

Take this as a wake up call, sit the whole family down and work out a rota so that everything is divided fairly.

I don't know what you can do about your MIL. To be fair, if she's not allowed to talk to you directly about things, it's kind of inevitable she will talk to your DH. He should be using his judgment better in terms of how to handle that.