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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to wonder why I just get treated like shit by friends?

64 replies

Eatingdoughnuts · 02/12/2012 17:15

I try to be a decent person and to treat people as I'd like to be treated and I think I must be too nice as I just get shat on by a great height and treated like dirt. Friends treat me like dirt, take me for granted and half the time I get nothing back from the friendships. No one would ever name me as their best friend but are quick to ask me for a favour.

I'm totally fed up with it. I don't want to be horrible to people but I'm feeling like just cutting myself off from everyone as there seems no point to having friends.

OP posts:
HairyGrotter · 02/12/2012 17:17

I think you need to work on yourself, look to see why you befriend such people who bring nothing positive to your life. Cut them out, focus on yourself, then surround yourself with nice people.

You can choose your friends.

strumpetpumpkin · 02/12/2012 17:18

you get what you settle for.

id suggest some assertiveness training and maybe sometherapy

CaliforniaSucksSnowballs · 02/12/2012 17:19

They are quick yo ask for favors. Learn to say NO. Use it as a complete sentence then change the subject.
"Hey Eatingdoughnuts, can you keep my kids on Saturday?"
"No, hey did you watch Strictly last night?"
It totally throw people off their game and you can get away with it. Don't be a doormat.

aprilrain · 02/12/2012 17:19

Where are you finding these people?

There are lovely people out there who are brilliant friend material. You sound like one of them. You deserve better!

lovebunny · 02/12/2012 17:19

good advice from hairy. love yourself a bit, find out who you are. treat yourself with immense respect.

Original poster
Eatingdoughnuts · 02/12/2012 17:19

I've done an assertiveness course and had counselling. It still happens though :(

OP posts:
Original poster
Eatingdoughnuts · 02/12/2012 17:20

I think my problem is I'm rubbish at cutting people off if they don't treat me as I want.

OP posts:
Original poster
Eatingdoughnuts · 02/12/2012 17:22

Examples of how I get treated badly are things like; friends offloading to me and expecting me to support them through things, then when I phone them if I need support they're dismissive and don't want to know. Friends speaking to me in a generally disrespectful tone but being all nice to other people. Friends expecting me to do things for them. And friends only wanting to talk to me when it suits them, all hot and cold with me so I never know where I stand.

OP posts:
lovebunny · 02/12/2012 17:24

stop being available. when they phone - 'i'm sorry, i'm just going out'. if they approach you at work be just on your way to the loo, alone. that kind of thing.

TheOnlyPersonInTheRoom · 02/12/2012 17:26

You are only being unreasonable if I am too. I could've written this OP.

HairyGrotter · 02/12/2012 17:27

Don't answer the phone, or as lovebunny says, say you're just heading out so cannot talk now. They'll soon call less and less when they can't get their own way.

You really need to identify why you choose these people to surround you. We make choices with friends, if they make you unhappy, then you need to remove them.

Original poster
Eatingdoughnuts · 02/12/2012 17:27

One friend I have done so much for; travelled miles to her son's birthday party, been there for her, etc yet she couldn't even bring herself to wish me a happy birthday and all she does is cancel plans all the time to suit her. I have started saying to her that I'm busy when she asks to meet now.

OP posts:
whois · 02/12/2012 18:07

good advice from hairy. love yourself a bit, find out who you are. treat yourself with immense respect

Great post

TwitchyTail · 02/12/2012 18:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

spanky2 · 02/12/2012 18:20

I have just been through the same thing. It is hard realising that these women are not behaving like a friend and you would rather not have anything to do with them. A 'friend' of mine stuck up for someone who bullied me and let her cocaine addict brother babysit her kids. Not someone I want as a friend. Be brave stand up for yourself.

stillorsparkling · 02/12/2012 18:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Eatingdoughnuts · 02/12/2012 18:29

Yes I think I am in a way, stillorsparkling

OP posts:
emsyj · 02/12/2012 18:31

I think you need to be realistic about true, close friends and 'friends' in the sense of people you'd have a night out or a coffee with, but that you don't get too deeply involved with or ask/expect favours of. It's important to recognise that really really true friends (who you could call in the middle of the night and really rely on for help) are rare. You will be lucky if you have 1-3 of these people in your life during your entire lifetime. If you do find someone like this, treasure them.

The rest of the time, I'm afraid friends are mostly 'fun' friends and you should make less effort with them and expect less from them in return. There are lots of people who will ask you a favour, not because they consider you a close friend and would do the same in return, but because they know you'll say yes. So if someone asks you to do them a favour, think about whether you are happy to do it even if they wouldn't do the same for you. If not, say no.

I have a tendency to do people favours and it used to really get me down that I didn't feel I could ask favours of others in return (and certainly people were much slower to offer to do stuff for me than I was to make such offers). But now I accept that this is just a personality thing. I do favours, I say yes where I can, and I have made peace with the fact that this doesn't necessarily mean those people will like me more/do nice stuff for me etc. This took a long time to achieve, but I didn't want to be a 'no' person, so to hell with it, I am what I am and sometimes I get taken advantage of - no big deal.

mercibucket · 02/12/2012 18:34

There are very few people in life who you can really really rely on. Then, out of those people, some will be good in some kinds of situation (ill health) and some in others (divorce) but it's a rare friend who you can rely on in all times of trouble. Most people in our lives will be 'fair weather' friends, but that's fine, it's nice to have friends and people to chat to, it's just wise to be prepared for them to make themselves scarce in times of trouble. Being a fairweather friend is not dependent on what you do for them - so just because you do a lot for them in their time of need, this does not build up credit for when you are in a time of need

Sometimes true friends in times of trouble are those who were more in the background before

mercibucket · 02/12/2012 18:34

There are very few people in life who you can really really rely on. Then, out of those people, some will be good in some kinds of situation (ill health) and some in others (divorce) but it's a rare friend who you can rely on in all times of trouble. Most people in our lives will be 'fair weather' friends, but that's fine, it's nice to have friends and people to chat to, it's just wise to be prepared for them to make themselves scarce in times of trouble. Being a fairweather friend is not dependent on what you do for them - so just because you do a lot for them in their time of need, this does not build up credit for when you are in a time of need

Sometimes true friends in times of trouble are those who were more in the background before

HildaOgden · 02/12/2012 18:37

I think that you have somehow appointed yourself the role of 'helper' in relationships.At some level,that feels safe to you....that if you are helpful and supportive and there to pick up the pieces....then others will be 'on your side'.

Your friends,on the other hand,have found someone that suits their needs.A listener,a supporter,whatever.It doesn't occur to them to see you any differently,because you are constantly portraying yourself as 'the helper'.

Does any of that ring a bell?

If it does,and you are no longer comfortable with that,then it's time to change yourself.If you do the same as you have always done,you'll always get what you have always gotten.

Decide what level of friendship you are prepared to offer others...don't go past that self imposed limit...until you respect yourself and your own wishes,then no-ne else will either.

Original poster
Eatingdoughnuts · 02/12/2012 18:41

Thank you for the replies, all. Hilda, yes that does sound a little like me I think.

What I find sickening in life in general is those that don't bother, and that treat people like dirt, and that are selfish and self absorbed seem to have everyone running around after them and thinking they're absolutely wonderful.

Just feeling so, so fed up and down at the moment.

OP posts:
stillorsparkling · 02/12/2012 18:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Eatingdoughnuts · 02/12/2012 18:51

I think you could well be right stillorsparkling. I think they choose their victims carefully.

OP posts:
HildaOgden · 02/12/2012 18:53

Don't be too convinced that the ones who are self-absorbed etc have it any more sorted than you,Eatingdoughnuts.What usually happens with them is that they draw softer types...like yourself....to them,as they appear so confident and 'glitzy',in a way.They then continue to accept that one-way friendship (and abuse it) until the 'softer' friend ends up feeling used.

Then they move on to the next 'helper' who will suit their needs.They rarely have deep,long lasting true friendships.

Not everyone in life is a 'user'.You said at the start that you like to treat people as you'd like to be treated.I suggest you try turning that around a little for a while....treat yourself the way you would like others to treat you.

That means not making a doormat of yourself,not accepting rude/inconsiderate behaviour....stand up for yourself and show the world a glimpse of how you like to be treated.

Im not telling you to turn into a hard bitch.Just show people what works for you.
Nothing bad will happen....your genuine friends will admire you,your user friends will just move on to the next 'helper'.And that will be no loss to you,