to wonder why I just get treated like shit by friends?

[Eatingdoughnuts]

I try to be a decent person and to treat people as I'd like to be treated and I think I must be too nice as I just get shat on by a great height and treated like dirt. Friends treat me like dirt, take me for granted and half the time I get nothing back from the friendships. No one would ever name me as their best friend but are quick to ask me for a favour.

I'm totally fed up with it. I don't want to be horrible to people but I'm feeling like just cutting myself off from everyone as there seems no point to having friends.

One friend that I've known for many years asked on FB if anyone had any toys from a tv series that her DD could have. I replied that I had lots that my DCs had grown out of and said she could have them. I even delivered them to her house as she wasn't feeling too well at the time. I got a half hearted thanks at the door but nothing since, not even a thank you text, yet she thanks people profusely on her FB status if they do anything for her normally.

The way I feel at the moment is that I just don't want to 'give' very much in friendships anymore to anyone as if I don't give anything then I can't be let down and can't be disappointed when I receive nothing in return

You've kind of just proved my point about 'them' having superficial friendships.....she's bubbly with her thanks on a forum like FB (when there is an audience to witness it!) but crap at genuine interaction on a friendship level.

Take a breather for a while...don't fall out with anyone,just leave them be...you'll soon see who your genuine friends are because they will seek you out after a while.

Nourish those friendships,because they are the people who genuinely care about you.Don't waste any energy on the others.

You are so right HildaOgden, and I agree I need to take that breather.

I think I am also going to phase out all friendships where I don't know where I stand and they are hot and cold with me as I hate walking on eggshells and always wondering if I've done something to upset them.

Eating doughnuts, I used to have a few friends like the ones you describe. Then I made friends with a couple of people who never offloaded onto me. It felt really odd - as if they didn't trust me, or I didn't really know them. Until I realised they were being sensitive - not dumping on their friends. They used friendship as a source of pleasure - to get together, have a laugh, make plans, do something interesting. It was a real eye opener. Distance yourself. And next time you meet someone who is needy, keep your distance, or ask a favour back immediately, to test how giving they are.

Good plan..For what it's worth,you do come across as a lovely woman,and genuine people would be only too glad to have a warm hearted friend like you.And they won't abuse that quality in you.

You can still keep in touch with the other type,but now you are more aware of where they are coming from so don't fall into the trap of jumping in to help them.Take some time to yourself to decide if you really want to help them,instead of feeling you should help them (to make them like you).Step back and listen to what your gut feeling is the next time they look for something from you (either practically or emotionally).

Having less dealings with them will also give you more energy to enjoy the real friendships.

You'll be fine girl,if the worst thing you can say about yourself is that you're too obliging for your friends,then you aint too bad

hilda thanks for your thoughts about the glitzy users who then move on - I know somebody exactly like this and your analysis has really put things into perspective.

eating hope you make some nice friends soon. xx

Thank you again everyone!

What I find too is the using friends speak to me disrespectfully whilst are all gushing and nice to others. I am thinking though that if I set some boundaries and start saying no they might speak to me more respectfully?

I can identify with some of what you put eating, I think Hilda's posts are v helpful indeed in analysing what is happening. I know with me that part of the problem is I am, not to put too fine a point on it, socially awkward so 1)find it hard to accept that people aren't always as they first appear and 2)subconsciously fall into the helpful friend category, due to lacking in confidence about being interesting enough a personality to be friend material other than being a one woman information/advice support service at times.

Don't cut yourself off too quickly but be v careful about the inner voice that says - "i could offer help with x/y/z". people respect you more, not less IME when you set boundaries. otherwise you get taken for granted.

I just finished counselling for exactly this reason - I jokingly asked counsellor "why do people treat me like this, is it my fault?" She bluntly said "actually, yes it is" she explained that they treat me like it because I allow them too - she's helped me become more assertive and now I'm "don't mess with me Robot" instead of "oh do wipe your feet on me Robot" I feel a lot happier and in control as a result

My counsellor said the same thing to me, that it's because I let people treat me badly but I honestly can't see how I can determine how someone speaks to me. I wish I could be one of those people who gives off an air not to mess with them.

TheLightPassenger, Yes I am the same as you. I feel that I'm not interesting enough as a person.

I could have written your post. I had a couple of good friends from 20 years ago and we treated eachother very well and they were very good close friendships. However, once of these friends has just dumped me from her life just when I needed my friends the most. I have some new friends who are good but I am totally sick of some friends who treat me badly and some of the bullshit where people say oh let's swap numbers and then they ignore txts. I am feeling right off women I have to say which is unlike me but I think I'm also just a bit vulnerable at the moment. Sometimes I think well I should just be a bitch too, what the hell. Anyway I'm just focussing on my good friendships and not making any new friends while I feel so off. x

"I honestly can't see how I can determine how someone speaks to me."

Really? Do you feel that you speak in the same way to everyone you know, or do you 'tailor' what you say according to how sensitive the person is, what their views are, how well you know them etc? It's just human nature to filter your tone and conversation, you probably do it without thinking about it - and so does everyone else.

I know what you're saying emsyj but I was meaning I don't know how/why I would be responsible for people speaking badly to me. Ie I'm clueless about what I'm doing to make them do so, if that makes sense?

I know you've mentioned that you are shy, are you aware that shyness can come across as stand-offishness sometimes? I'm not saying that's how you come across as I've never met you, but it might be that the way you behave is not perceived by others in the way you expect.

Can you give a couple of examples of things people have said to you that you've found hurtful?

About 10 years ago, I had a major friendship epiphany. I felt a bit like you, that people weren't nice to me, and I think actually it was something I created for myself. I actively sought to give off a 'don't mess with me' sort of vibe to protect myself from inner feelings of shyness and not being good enough/interesting enough - the result was that people thought I could 'take it' if they were abrasive with me. I think a lot of the time, you get what you give.

I made a lot of changes after a period of feeling very low and lonely and disappointed with the people in my life - things did turn around but it takes time. I now consider myself 'popular' (sounds a bit big-headed and when you write it down...) in the sense that I have lots of friends and get lots of social invitations - the diary is pretty full. But I still have probably 2 friends that I can truly rely on, and not many more that I would ask a favour from.

People are much nicer to me generally now, and I have lowered my expectations and my emotional investment in the wider social group. For 'funtimes' friends, I try to: be more positive than negative, ask them about their lives/how things are with them, be open and smile and continue the conversation if someone initiates a conversation with me (whether a friend or stranger), turn up to social events (those who can be relied on to turn up are the ones who get invited first - nobody likes rejection), and initiate social events myself (can be hard work and people are usually fairly unappreciative but it can encourage others to arrange stuff and help you form stronger friendships). I don't take things personally and I don't dwell on stuff.

It is not nice to realise that most people's friendship is superficial, but once you accept it you will be much happier. If you do have some true genuine friends, be thankful and prioritise those people - you are lucky, some people have no genuine friends. And a lot of people don't know the difference between superficially 'nicey nicey' folk ("oh do you know X, she's soooooooooooo nice" - when they really mean "X smiles a lot and is all bubbly and fun but underneath the veneer, doesn't give a shit" ) and those who would be right there if you needed them.

I'm at a point now where I can just sense someone will be a pain in the arse long run but it can be disappointing to keep on finding pains in the arses if that makes any sense! Like a woman I met recently was all chummy and making big plans with me and sort of over friendly. She asked for my number and I txtd her and she never got back to me. What a load of crap! I can't understand things like that, I'm quite straighforward spade a spade.

I see what you're saying Emsyj, but I truly don't feel like I do come across as stand-offish. I would say it's the opposite. I think I probably come across as too nice, too willing to listen to people, too positive, too interested in others, so that no one is interested in me, they just use me.

It's difficult to give examples as it's just the tone in which they speak to me. Like if I say something I just get a blunt "yeah" then someone else says a similar thing and they get acknowledgement, laughs, smiles. It's just a disrespectful air that I feel many people use with me. Little things, like thanking others profusely when they do things for them but not thanking me. One friend is always, always in a bad mood when we meet up, over one thing or another, and she does disrespectful things such as tries to discipline my children, and I meekly stand there and let her do it.

I feel like I'm always friendly with people, and then I don't get that friendly vibe back from them.

Another example of a friend being rude, Emsyj, is one friend who phones me up a lot in the evenings to talk about a current problem she has. I've offered her hours of support, talking and advice. I then phoned her last week to tell her about something that has happened to me and she was very brisk and said a quick "oh just ignore it, don't let things get to you" and then turned the conversation into being about someone else. People feel I am always just there for them to sound off to but no one is there for me.

OP next time your friend rings up expecting you to listen to her for hours, quote her exact words back at her and then start the conversation off in a different direction. Write them down on a post it note by the phone so they are there to remind you what to say.

If she complains that the attention has been drawn away from her, just say that you were following her example and assumed that she would want to be treated the same way that she treated you, you figured that you'd been doing it wrong all these years and that it would have been easier if she had said something earlier, you would never have let her go on and on and on and on and on and on and on... if you had realised that she was from the school of 'oh just ignore it' and that that's fine. Now, what do you think of strictly x factor downton etc... And if she complains again then just repeat your lines again. and again.

As to the friend that you gave the toys to - I'd be really tempted to say that you're really sorry but your dc were really upset that you had given them away, so please could you have them back. You had just underestimated how emotionally attached they were to them (regardless of how true this is!). And then get them back.

If she complains that her kids are attached to them now, then explain that then surely she must understand how your kids feel as they have had them for so much longer and are therefore so much more attached to them whereas her kids have only had them for such a short time they won't miss them as they have hardly had time to get very attached to them, they've been able to have a go with them and now your friend will know whether it is worth getting some more for her kids or not.

Just out of interest - are these toys quite collectable or likely to go for a reasonable amount on ebay? Do you think there's a chance she will have flogged them off or be expecting to soon?!?

I know someone who this happens to also. She was round at mine having dinner a few weeks ago. During her meal she got three phone calls. One from her new partner to go and collect him cos he was pissed, one from a female friend to tell her off for not inviting her to the pub ( she wasn't at the pub she was with me) and one from her friend across the street from me to ask her to call round, collect a DVD and drop it off at the video store after she had eaten!
My DH was so angry at them all he nearly grabbed the phone.
I witnessed it all and the problem seemed to be 1) she attracts sad bastards (us excluded of course) 2) she is too damn nice and puts up with them talking to her like that.
I said to her that there is no way I would have tolerated those calls.
Are you?

Loveweekends10 - what did your friend do?

zipzap, I like your phone suggestions for when my friend phones me up wanting support. The toys I gave to the other friend aren't collectable. I don't feel I could ask for them back tbh, I think I just need to learn my lesson there and never do anything nice for that friend again.

Loveweekends, I'm not quite as bad as the woman you know thank god. I hope she didn't go and take that DVD back! I do however end up doing smaller things for people and I think they'd respect it more if I said no. The other night I went out for a night out and a friend came round to get ready and she kept asking me to do things such as plug straighteners in for her, or get things for her, even though I was getting ready too. I don't know how I'd say no to things like that without looking like a stroppy cow though? She is quite a demanding person but I can see there are some people she respects too much to make demands to

Yes, zipzap's suggestion is excellent. Don't listen to people's problems unless they're willing to listen to yours. A suggested response that I use a lot is, 'Oh no, what a drag' - then change the subject.

A good tip for unreasonable demands (such as the friend who kept asking you to be a servant and plug stuff in, get stuff) is to just pretend you haven't heard. First time, just don't respond at all - like you didn't hear or notice they spoke. Second time, smile distractedly and say, 'sorry what?' If they have to repeat the demand several times, they're more likely to 'hear' themselves IYSWIM and think twice about continuing the repetition. I have done this to good effect in the past!

That sounds great Emsyj. I want to rewind back to the other night now and try that technique with her! Do you find if you use it the person then says "never mind" and does the task themself?

Another example I can think of is a friend I'm meant to be meeting later this week. We live about 20 miles apart and for some reason, usually her pleading poverty and saying she can't afford fuel (but can afford plenty of other things) we have ended up with me always driving to her area. She never offers to come here. Then she is often late, and moody when she's there. That's the kind of friends I seem to have; ones that think they can be moody with me and just have me running round after them.