to wonder why I just get treated like shit by friends?

[Eatingdoughnuts]

I try to be a decent person and to treat people as I'd like to be treated and I think I must be too nice as I just get shat on by a great height and treated like dirt. Friends treat me like dirt, take me for granted and half the time I get nothing back from the friendships. No one would ever name me as their best friend but are quick to ask me for a favour.

I'm totally fed up with it. I don't want to be horrible to people but I'm feeling like just cutting myself off from everyone as there seems no point to having friends.

For the above situation

how about "oh that's a shame, let's leave it till the New Year then shall we?" have a reason ready why you can't go eg. you can't afford the fuel either - treat it as a sort of game to see how she responds when you say this

I'm the same, I'm insecure, and want friends to be like the friends on 'friends', phoebe, Joey et al, all close and i'll be there for you etc etc. I dont make friends and do things for them to get things back, I do things cos I WANT to, but once in a while it IS nice if just 1 of them would offer something back. Especially having a disability and a disabled child,.....can of worms there.

But know what I did? Im not assertive enough, i handwrote letters 'dear Jane' and said I was hurt etc etc. I said it was time to move on. only one of those people apologised and has stayed friends and is as nice as pie now and helpful as much as she can manage. the rest? well all i can say is they werent friends in the first place once they knew id 'sussed' them out

best thing i did was get rid of some rubbish and now i have some new friends...especially on mn!!!!

That's a good suggestion RobotLover, thank you.

marj, sorry to hear you have gone through similar, but well done on writing the letters. I sometimes think I need to do something like that. I often feel that people give off the air that I'm annoying, probably because they don't respect me because I'm too nice. I really have got to work on being more aloof. I think that at least if I don't give much to people then I can't be let down when people don't give much back.

sorry for your troubles,but dont internalise this wholly as you
its a you and them thing.both mutually locked in dysfunctional friendships
you dont need to settle for this,but you may need to learn some new behaviours

good luck

To be honest, I find that it's very rare for anyone to repeat themselves after a 'selective hearing' moment. For some reason this is usually enough for the person to 'hear themselves' and think better of repeating the demand.

If the person did, say, repeat a demand for you to plug in their straighteners, you could try deliberately misunderstanding them and try to 'help' by telling them how to do it themselves - e.g. 'Oh gosh, sorry, I didn't say where the plug sockets are, there's one just here/there/behind the bookshelf'. Or, 'Get me a top up of wine' - 'Sure, help yourself - the fridge is full to the brim '

As for the 'friend' who is miserable and horrid when you meet up with her, why bother with her at all?? I wouldn't! What do you get out of this 'friendship'? I know I said you need to make an effort to show up to stuff, but I was thinking more about events that will be fun when you get there but involve an effort/days when you feel a bit tired and 'meh' and would really rather slob in front of the telly/Mumsnet etc - you don't have to force yourself to drive miles to meet miseries!!! I would do as the earlier poster says and just stop making all the effort, the suggested reply of 'Oh what a shame, let's leave it til the new year then' is a good one. Don't offer excuses or explanations, just say, 'oh I'm sorry, I can't do X date/I'm not going to be able to make a meeting in X city that week' etc.

I have always without exception found that when I have phased out someone who is not very nice, I've met someone better. Make room in your life for new friends, get out there and do fun stuff, join a class (make it something you are genuinely interested in learning about, not just a 'vehicle' for meeting people), invest less of yourself in superficial social friendships and reserve your real energy for the few people who deserve it.

Thanks again everyone! Emsyj, will give those things a go too. I'm going to give those strategies a go at dealing with the friend I drive to. It'll be interesting to see whether she offers to come here if I refuse to travel to her.

good post emsyj

good luck eatingdoughnuts

Arrgghh, it's still happening to me this week.

One friend, whom I'm quite good friends with, speaks to me like dirt because she knows me and I guess because she can. Well, not like dirt as such, but just quite abrupt with me, then she's all hugs, hearts and flowers with everyone else. She tries to ingratiate herself with people but I suppose she doesn't think she needs to bother ingratiating herself with me.

So did you handle differently this time? Did it make any difference?

There must be a reason for it though - it is very hard to identify what it is you are doing to cause her to interact differently with you from how she does with other people, but when it's you who's in that situation it's very difficult to see it, and to 'diagnose' it over the internet is also very hard without lots and lots of very specific examples (which I know is unrealistic - I can't remember the last conversation I had with my husband 3 minutes ago never mind an exchange with a friend earlier this week!)

Would you be able to try writing down some of the conversations you have, particularly the ones where you feel she has been abrupt with you and less nice to you than she is to others?

I think people used to be quite abrasive with me because I was seen as being able to 'take it' because I could be like that myself - as a bit of a defense mechanism. I do find that these days people respond to me differently, and I think it is probably because my approach is different. It would be interesting to be a fly on the wall to see why you don't feel you're getting the same treatment as others from this friend and from others.

Whilst it would be easy to say, 'forget her, she's not your friend' (and actually that may be good advice in respect of this particular person, I don't know), if you're finding that you have the same problem with lots of different people, it's something that you need to resolve in yourself - whether you attract a certain unpleasant type of 'friend' or whether there is something you do that triggers people to react in that way, it's something that you will be much happier if you can resolve it and start to have better friendships.