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AIBU?

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Original poster

Helping an ungrateful friend

77 replies

jakesmith · 02/12/2012 09:59

My wife meets up with her uni friends occasionally, they all used to hang out back in the day. One of her friends is on minimum wage (didn't make the best of her vocational degree). Me & the wife are comfortable financially. The last few times they all met up, one of the four of them said she couldn't come at the last minute as she couldn't afford it. They were meeting at a pub/comedy club where tickets were about £15. So the last few times, my wife & one of the other friends bought her ticket, and a few drinks too so they could meet up. Now this isn't a great hardship for us but it's still c. £30 that I could be spending on a meal out for us... anyway here are the aggregating circs:

  • She never says thank you or shows any appreciation (one of the other friends says she is too embarrassed, but in my book you're either too embarrassed to accept, or you bring yourself to say thank you)
  • After the event my wife said "did you enjoy it / have a good time" to try & elicit some response and she was like "yeah it was alight"
  • She smokes 20 a day, a habit costing £3000 a year plus

I have friends who work in financial services & some of them earn 10x my salary but I wouldn't dream of not splitting the bill with them when we go out & on occasion when someone has paid for me (like on my wedding day at lunch before the event) I was extremely grateful & reciprocated later on

AIBU thinking this is just rude?

OP posts:
EverlongLovesHerChristmasRobin · 02/12/2012 10:09

Yanbu.

It's rude. I would pay for my friends every time if they couldn't come out because they had no money, because my friends would offer to pay me back ( not that I'd take it ) and appreciate it and they would help me out in the same boat.

She doesn't sound very friendly from what you have said. Has she got some other stuff going on in her life maybe?

GhostShip · 02/12/2012 10:11

YANBU!!

Eek @ 'the wife'. It usually gets you lynched Wink

ENormaSnob · 02/12/2012 10:13

Yanbu

Original poster
jakesmith · 02/12/2012 10:13

Sorry, apologies for that I meant my beautiful wife!

OP posts:
EverlongLovesHerChristmasRobin · 02/12/2012 10:16

Grin that's it Jake you're learning Wink

GhostShip · 02/12/2012 10:16

Smooth move muaha.

WandaDoff · 02/12/2012 10:17

YANBU. It is rude not to say 'Thank you'.

Its none of your business whether she smokes or not though, or anything else about her personal life.

Musomathsci · 02/12/2012 10:19

She smokes 20/day, she can afford a meal out once in a while, YANBU.

TidyDancer · 02/12/2012 10:20

Oh this gives me the rage. My cousin is exactly like this.

I think she is grateful when she is given help with things, but she never says so. It makes people not want to help her.

YANBU. It is rude, extremely rude. All it takes is a quick 'thanks for this evening' and a cheery smile. So much can be said with so little in those circumstances.

musicalendorphins · 02/12/2012 10:21

I don't think your wife treated her friend for the thanks. If she did then all she needs to do is not treat her again.

hatesponge · 02/12/2012 10:21

didn't make the best use of her vocational degree Hmm really, and that's for you to judge?! I'm not really sure it's for you to comment on her smoking either.

You come across in your post as smug and superior. If this is the way your wife and her oh so successful friends behave towards this other friend, I'm not bloody surprised she doesn't appear grateful. What would you have her doing, tugging her forelock, being 'ever so 'umble' for the generous gifts bestowed upon her?

Maybe in future they might give some thought to meeting somewhere cheaper that the friend with less money can pay for herself, rather than being paid for? That seems to me a far better solution.

OkayHazel · 02/12/2012 10:28

Whether she chooses to smoke is none of your business. Her finances have nothing to do with you. She can choose how she spends her money, and if it is not on nights out with you so be it. She might prefer a packet of fags to a night out.

Solution: stop paying for her.

EverlongLovesHerChristmasRobin · 02/12/2012 10:28

hatesponge are you the friend Wink

What a weird reaction. People don't have to pay for other people's nights out. They do it out of kindness. A thank you is compulsory in my books.

It's called manners. And if the friend can afford to smoke 20 a day she can afford a night out.

OP if I was your wife I wouldn't be offering to pay again.

GhostShip · 02/12/2012 10:29

hatesponge none of that sets aside the fact that the friend is bloody rude. She doesnt have to come along to the outing, she can easily say no. But she chooses not to, and then doesn't even have the decency to say a quick thanks.

mum2threesons · 02/12/2012 10:32

It's nice of you and your friends to pay for her so she doesn't feel left out, this has happened to me a few times when I've not had any spare money and my girl friends are going out.
I have always said thank you and have also paid for them when they've been skint.
Next time she can't afford to pay, don't offer to lend her the money.
Manners cost nothing so let her stay in..smoking Wink

Purple2012 · 02/12/2012 11:19

I don't think the op sounds smug. And hatesponge of course the friend should be grateful. No-one is saying she should be tugging her forelock but if someone does something nice then it is good manners to thank them.

LRDtheFeministDude · 02/12/2012 12:39

I think she is being rude, but I also think maybe your wife and her other mates would be better to choose a less expensive way to meet up, instead of putting someone they know isn't well off in this position. I don't mean every single time they go - but once or twice it surely wouldn't hurt just to arrange for an evening in the pub rather than something with an entry fee?

It's not really your business to judge how she used her degree or whether she smokes, though, IMO.

HECTheHallsWithRowsAndFolly · 02/12/2012 12:43

People take the piss as far as they are allowed to.

If your wife doesn't want this to continue - she just has to stop paying.

If she values this person's company so much that she's willing to pay for it - it should be done happily and with no resentment.

You can't choose to bankroll someone and also choose to resent it.

So. How does your wife feel?

BandersnatchCummerbund · 02/12/2012 12:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WilsonFrickett · 02/12/2012 13:03

Completely agree Bander. This group of friends repeatedly choose to do something that one of them can't afford. She wants to see her friends but the only way she can is by allowing one of them to pay for her. What an icky situation for her. And on top of that, she isn't being grateful enough for one of the friends DP's??? She needs new friends tbh.

Rudolphstolemycarrots · 02/12/2012 13:07

Have some free nights in? Bring and share meal?

HeathRobinson · 02/12/2012 13:07

  • After the event my wife said "did you enjoy it / have a good time" to try & elicit some response -

that doesn't sit comfortably with me, for some reason, though am struggling to articulate why. Hmm

DeckSwabber · 02/12/2012 13:09

I'm sorry but while I see your point you come over as being very judgmental. And you seem to regard the money as YOUR money - that YOU could have spent better.

Perhaps your wife really enjoys seeing these friends and wants to keep it going even if it costs £30.

Are you trying to drive a wedge between them by encouraging resentment?

Angelico · 02/12/2012 13:12

Aside from the degree comment (which sounded twattish) YANBU. It's just good manners to thank someone if they treat you. I can also understand the judgeyness about cigarettes - and I say that as a reformed smoker. I would never have had the cheek to plead poverty while I was still smoking but I have friends who still do this in their thirties while spending eye-watering amounts on cigs.

As others have said though it would be kind to try and organise some nights out that don't require a lot of money.

katiecubs · 02/12/2012 13:12

I don't think it's insensitive to keep choosing expensive nights out Bander - I don't think what they chose was that our of the normal person's price range. Even a trip to the pub with a few drinks costs quite a bit.

Also the point is she could obviously afford to do a night out once in a while considering the sheer amount DVD spends on fags.

Either way she should always say that you, it's the most basic of manners.

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