Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

Helping an ungrateful friend

77 replies

jakesmith · 02/12/2012 09:59

My wife meets up with her uni friends occasionally, they all used to hang out back in the day. One of her friends is on minimum wage (didn't make the best of her vocational degree). Me & the wife are comfortable financially. The last few times they all met up, one of the four of them said she couldn't come at the last minute as she couldn't afford it. They were meeting at a pub/comedy club where tickets were about £15. So the last few times, my wife & one of the other friends bought her ticket, and a few drinks too so they could meet up. Now this isn't a great hardship for us but it's still c. £30 that I could be spending on a meal out for us... anyway here are the aggregating circs:

She never says thank you or shows any appreciation (one of the other friends says she is too embarrassed, but in my book you're either too embarrassed to accept, or you bring yourself to say thank you)
After the event my wife said "did you enjoy it / have a good time" to try & elicit some response and she was like "yeah it was alight"
She smokes 20 a day, a habit costing £3000 a year plus

I have friends who work in financial services & some of them earn 10x my salary but I wouldn't dream of not splitting the bill with them when we go out & on occasion when someone has paid for me (like on my wedding day at lunch before the event) I was extremely grateful & reciprocated later on

AIBU thinking this is just rude?

OP posts:

LRDtheFeministDude · 02/12/2012 13:15

Did you mean to suggest being poor isn't 'normal', katie? It comes across as a bit rude.

She chooses to spend her money on fags. She's a grown woman. I don't see why she shouldn't get to make that decision. OTOH if she doesn't want a cheap meet up but wants someone else to pay for the expensive one, she's trying it on.

whois · 02/12/2012 13:16

Friend is a looser, wife & co should dump her. That kind of unequal relationship becomes wearing after a while.

NotQuintAtAllOhNo · 02/12/2012 13:18

Yanbu.

Friend sounds rude, ungrateful and unpleasant. I would not keep sponsoring nights out like this.

curiousuze · 02/12/2012 13:20

Ugh you are so judgmental in this post. You are OFFERING to buy her ticket of your own free will and when she takes you up on it you expect her to bow and scrape. Maybe she doesn't enjoy comedy but wants to spend time with her friends. As for your comments about her personal circumstances - get fucked. None of your business. I hate this idea that people on low wages aren't allowed to buy things that give them pleasure - in this case, cigarettes.

helpyourself · 02/12/2012 13:21

And this has exactly what to do with you OP?

DontmindifIdo · 02/12/2012 13:26

hmm, suggest to your DW she tries to arrange a cheap night next time, that would be in ungrateful friend's price range. As others have said, perhaps a night in at someone's house, everyone bring a dish. (Offer to go out, leaving your house free for said girls night).

If your DW and the other friends make a point of making every other meet up being in poorer friend's price range, then if your DW and friends don't pay for poorer friend on the more expensive nights they won't feel quite so used, and the friend might feel less like the poor relation, she's not having to chose between accepting charity (which might be difficult for her to do, leading to her not being grateful) or losing her friendships.

helpyourself · 02/12/2012 13:31

I would be extremely if my DH had an opininion on whether I subbed a friend £30 or not if, as you said, you can afford it.

DontmindifIdo · 02/12/2012 13:31

BTW - it doesn't mean she's not made the most of her degree, it could be she's taken the choice to do something interesting rather than well paid. Also, she's taken the decision to smoke, she has chosen that over her social life. (It is a direct choice when you're on a low wage)

I'd be interested, does this friend ever instigate the meet ups, suggesting something in her own pricerange?

Whocansay · 02/12/2012 13:37

If you have to buy her friendship, it isn't a friendship worth having IMO.

Definitely stop subbing her. It doesn't sound like she's too bothered about maintaining the friendship anyway.

WhereYouLeftIt · 02/12/2012 13:40

BandersnatchCummerbund has summed it up well. Why meet at somewhere that you need to spend £15 to get in? And then, you're not really talking to each other as you're listening to the comedians on stage. Hardly a get-together, is it? Surely if they want to see meet up and chat, just go to a pub, sit and chat around the table with a drink or two? Or a cafe with a coffee? Or at each other's houses? Why, when one member of the group has REPEATEDLY said she can't afford it, do the others persist in arranging to meet there?

In her shoes, I'd feel my nose was;being rubbed in it; so no, I wouldn't be showing gratitude because I wouldn't be feeling gratitude. I'd be feeling resentment, because nobody is listening to me when I say I can't afford it.

NotQuintAtAllOhNo · 02/12/2012 13:44

She is a clever one, she only wants to come if the night out is a freebie.

Agree that a bought friendship is not a friendship at all.

curiousuze · 02/12/2012 13:50

God this post is giving me The Rage - need to stop refreshing it. Just because a friend accepts a free ticket from you a couple of times doesn't give you the right to judge her career, her lifestyle, whether she is grateful enough, whether she values the friendship enough or call her a loser or say she's choosing fags over friends. Jesus Christ. I had a low paid call centre job for years after uni, AND I smoked - I take it all my friends in better jobs should have dumped me as a lost cause because I couldnt afford every single night out, or didn't kiss everyone's feet who paid for a drink for me? I now earn as much or more than many of my friends and can treat them back - my career path was just slightly different.

Proudnscaryvirginmary · 02/12/2012 13:56

I do think you sound a bit superior, OP. And I don't like the judgements about her smoking or not making the most of her qualifications.

However it is, of course, rude to not acknowledge or thank people who are treating you, though so YANBU on that front.

I have a very close friend who used to be hard up and I would treat her to fairly costly nights out. Memorably I bought her an £80 ticket we were dying to see and she couldn't afford. Although she said thank you she texted me two days later to ask me for about £6 for drinks that night as she'd bought a round and I'd not reciprocated! I could not fucking Adam and Eve it!

Proudnscaryvirginmary · 02/12/2012 13:59

for a band we were dying to see

I really must read my posts back they are always missing words!

headinhands · 02/12/2012 14:08

Why did you need to say vocational degree when degree would suffice? I wonder if the friend senses this undercurrent of judgey-ness and made the excuse of not being able to afford the ticket in a bid to avoid your wife's coven circle of friends judging her whole life choices. She then probably thinks it very rude to say no when the ticket is offered.

TheCollieDog · 02/12/2012 15:18

You come across in your post as smug and superior. If this is the way your wife and her oh so successful friends behave towards this other friend, I'm not bloody surprised she doesn't appear grateful. What would you have her doing, tugging her forelock, being 'ever so 'umble' for the generous gifts bestowed upon her?

Gosh, is this for real? It's OK to spend £3,000 a year on a habit that will probably kill you, but not alright to be expected to say thank you to friends who sub you?

Is this the famous Mumsnet "nest of vipers" response, or just plain ugly envy and resentment.

OP didn't sound smug to me, just a but bewildered and frustrated that his wife and her friends' kindness seems to be resented.

TheCollieDog · 02/12/2012 15:23

And for the record, I don't think the friend needs to be grateful, but she does need to say "thank you"

I think there's a difference between saying thank you to acknowledge a kind thing a friend does, and being grateful. Presumably, your DW and her friends enjoy the other friend's company enough to want her there and make it affordable for her to join them. She doesn't need to be grateful, but she does need to say thank you.

curiousuze · 02/12/2012 15:39

Yes it is ok to spend £3000 of her own damn money on anything she pleases! Jeez.

Buying someone a gift entitles you to exactly jack shit - noone gets to dictate how someone reacts to receiving a gift. Yes of course it's reasonable to expect thanks. The OP didn't say she never said thanks, he said she wasn't grateful enough for him and his judgemental wife.

HildaOgden · 02/12/2012 15:48

Friend sounds like a 'taker',there are quite a few of them about.They feel no shame in always being the one that gets paid for.

I'd advise the friends to stick to cheaper nights out if they want to keep in touch with her eg all go around to her place for a catch up.

pigletmania · 02/12/2012 15:53

YANBU at all, sheis plain rude. Stop paying for her

EverlongLovesHerChristmasRobin · 02/12/2012 15:58

courious you don't think it's rude that the friend doesn't say thank you?

You think that's OK? Have you no manners either?

SoleSource · 02/12/2012 16:01

Yanbu

Purple2012 · 02/12/2012 16:12

And why should ops wife and her friends miss out on going to places they want just because a friend can't afford it. They are allowed to go to places that cost money you know.

expatinscotland · 02/12/2012 16:16

Then don't offer to pay for her. Simples.

TheCrackFox · 02/12/2012 16:17

Why doesn't your wife and friends choose somewhere cheaper for a night out? If they all know that one of the friends can't afford it, it does seem rather rude to continually choose something out of her price range.

Flip

1 2 3 4