Helping an ungrateful friend

[jakesmith]

My wife meets up with her uni friends occasionally, they all used to hang out back in the day. One of her friends is on minimum wage (didn't make the best of her vocational degree). Me & the wife are comfortable financially. The last few times they all met up, one of the four of them said she couldn't come at the last minute as she couldn't afford it. They were meeting at a pub/comedy club where tickets were about £15. So the last few times, my wife & one of the other friends bought her ticket, and a few drinks too so they could meet up. Now this isn't a great hardship for us but it's still c. £30 that I could be spending on a meal out for us... anyway here are the aggregating circs:

• She never says thank you or shows any appreciation (one of the other friends says she is too embarrassed, but in my book you're either too embarrassed to accept, or you bring yourself to say thank you)
• After the event my wife said "did you enjoy it / have a good time" to try & elicit some response and she was like "yeah it was alight"
• She smokes 20 a day, a habit costing £3000 a year plus

I have friends who work in financial services & some of them earn 10x my salary but I wouldn't dream of not splitting the bill with them when we go out & on occasion when someone has paid for me (like on my wedding day at lunch before the event) I was extremely grateful & reciprocated later on

AIBU thinking this is just rude?

When you do something good for someone surely it should be because you are being kind not because you want the recepient to kiss your feet/arse (or is it just me?). I agree she should have said thank you, but I wonder whether she didn't because she sensed some undercurrent judgeness.

If your wife and the rest of the group values her friendship they should arrrange somewhere less expensive where every member can afford. Otherwise, they shouldn't offer to pay for her expenses.

I hope your wife wouldn't describe her friend as you've done, but if she too feel like you I would suggest to end the friendship.

I can see this both ways. She could be a taker and ungrateful or she might feel belittled and resentful at going places she can't afford and having to rely on what is basically charity. I can imagine it can be hard forever having to be grateful and maybe feel judged, especially if she might rather prefer a cheaper option where she can pay her own way. I would feel awkward forever having to say thanks and show appreciation.

But she could just suggest a takeaway at someone's house, it doesn't have to be expensive every time.

She needs to speak up.

It costs nothing to say thank you and yes cigarette smoking is an expensive habit (judgy pants on).

Thanks for all the views, always interesting to see the whole spectrum & get a chance to see how other people see it.

Some good suggestions about doing something cheaper, but they live quite spread out and only Central London works, they won't come to ours in SW London which is 20 mins out, I've offered to cook a meal & get drinks in but they say it's too far for them to travel, the thing they went to this week was £14 for a ticket for 3-4 hours entertainment in Central London, there's not a lot you can do for less than that in town.

They only meet up about twice a year so it isn't like they're always going out the whole time.

I think the friend didn't really want to come to the meet-up and made an excuse about not being able to afford it. When others offered to pay she was backed in a corner and had to attend an evening she didn't want to. Hence the odd behavior. It was then too late for her to make another excuse without her reluctance to attend being obvious. She is probably hoping she won't be asked to attend again - possibly wants to quietly drop the friendship...

They only meet up twice a year, she's not even your mate but 'the wife's' and you have all this time to even think about the odd £15 or so twice a year?! And so what if she smokes? She obviously prefers cigs to hanging out with your wife and her snotty crew, it's not hard to see why.

You have too much time on your hands and honestly, get a life!

'She is probably hoping she won't be asked to attend again - possibly wants to quietly drop the friendship..'

Yep. She's dropping some hints here. Hang around with my old mate's judgey husband or buy a pack of fags with the money I earned? No contest.

So the last few times, my wife & one of the other friends bought her ticket, and a few drinks too

They only meet up about twice a year

So how many times has your DW paid?

3 times, so I don't think the 'dropping' theory is right. And although it is infrequent it is still annoying. Thanks again for the interesting comments though. If you knew the people concerned you couldn't use words like snotty. It's sometimes hard to convey nuances of situations accurately on an internet forum but I think the consensus is that it's not hard to or unreasonable to expect a simple 'thank you'.

to clarify from a post above, she never said the words 'thank you', 'thanks', 'cheers' 'ta' or anything, that would be perfectly sufficient. It's nothing to do with her not gushing at the generosity, it's about not even acknowledging it.

Jake, this isn't even your mate. It's twice a year. And you're, well, a little obsessive about this. I mean, starting some random thread on a net forum about your wife's mate she meets a couple of times a year and banging on about ungratefulness. Then analysing if she's trying to drop you all.

Why are you even giving this a second thought? That's weird.

So don't invite her anymore.

It's 45 quid over two years. Let it go. And do something cheap next time.

How do you know she didn't say thanks to the other women in the group? Am intrigued why you've got a beef about £15 x 2? I hazard a guess that you don't like her?

Well, you know, headinhands, she didn't make the most of her vocational degree. She smokes. I mean, compared to these mates in financial services who earn 10x what the OP does and of course, he can keep pace with them. She should be licking boots, hanging out with the likes of 'the wife'.

Interesting how differently people read threads! I didn't think the consensus was that at all, jake, if you don't mind me saying. I thought TBH the consensus was that you were being slightly off with her, and she was being slightly off with your wife - but I'm with wilson and expat in not seeing why this is such a big thing to you.

(FWIW, is she a lawyer? Medic? Those are vocational degrees so I guess it's possible the OP wasn't meaning what you're assuming, expat. I still don't quite get why it's been mentioned at all, or why he thinks it's relevant, but there we are.)

I don't think u are bu to feel aggrieved at ur and the wife's generosity of paying for entry when it is not either followed by "wow great night! Ta very much" or something (txt even?!). I can def see why u might be humpy at the thought of their next trip out....

But, it's not ur mate. Does ur wife like all urs? If they meet so rarely does it really matter? Don't make a thing of it. Say ur piece to the wife and then leave it alone.

And yes the fag thing would drive me barmy too....but again, none of ur beeswax boyo. Drop this bone.

I think there is a big back story here.,not sure quite what.

Never in the history of man would dh start a thread on a forum moaning that I'd paid for a few nights out for a mate.

It's rude, of course it is. But honestly, haven't you already made up your mind before you came on here to post? Your post reeks of hubris and judgement.

I know people who are awas pleading poverty yet they can ways afford DVD's or booze or whatever. I don't mind treating treating them sometimes. Often they're grateful, sometimes not. Point is, I like seeing them so I can easily overcome a little annoyance that they sometimes don't say thanks.

Definitely agree with everyone who's said there must be cheaper nights to organise.

Good god, just read that it's twice a year.

Get some bloody perspective.

Perhaps Jake has been thinking about his DW and whether her friend is being rude to her - IMHO, she is. Hardly obsessive. Manners cost nothing.

To be fair to the op his DW must have been moaning about it. It would never cross my mind to go into the financial ins and outs of my social life, 'we went to x and I paid for y' - it's both dull and unneccessary chat IMO.

"* After the event my wife said "did you enjoy it / have a good time" to try & elicit some response -

that doesn't sit comfortably with me, for some reason, though am struggling to articulate why. "

I agree heathrobinson, it seems patronising and passive/aggressive.

OP there 're shedloads of cheap things to do in central london! Comedy clubs are a weird place to have infrequent get-togethers.

"the consensus is that it's not hard to or unreasonable to expect a simple 'thank you'"

Yet it should not be hard to sometimes forego the expensive evening out in favour of something more affordable to the entire group.

The more I think about this, it seems the "poor friend" is wronged on more than one account.

1. She is not listened to when she asks to meet somewhere less expensive.
2. She is not listened to when she lets you know she does not really enjoy it.

• In fact, to see her friends she has to put up with a noisy comedy club, not here scene and not really enjoyable, where she might as well be accompanied by Tom, Dick or Harry, for there is hardly any interaction between the group!

1. She is made to feel financially inferior.
2. The group is not satisfied that she grovels enough and show enough appreciation after the night out.

So not only does she have no say in where they meet, cannot afford the venue, cannot afford the drinks (not cheap in comedy clubs, I know), has to subject herself to the unpleasant scenario of declining due to costs, only to find that her mates show off their own wealth by subbing her to get her along.

And she puts up with it because she wants to spend time with her friends

Friends, I dare say, who has no real interest in her, looks down on her, and quite possibly like to have her along as it bolsters their own self esteem, as they feel good about their "good deed"? Friends, who rather laugh at some cheap jokes from somebody who believes themselves witty on stage (sometimes they really are), than talking to her her.

I reckon that she does not say "Thank you" or show any appreciation, because she really does not appreciate it. I would not. I would feel so humiliated to constantly have to go through this, with "friends". I rather my friends listen to me, invite me home for pizza and chat, or accept my invitation home for the same, or a trip to a coffee bar or a pub for a chat, rather than pay good money to sit and not interact.

Jakey, the more I think about it, the more I think that your wife is a shallow cow. She lacks empathy, suffers a superiority complex, and is caught in the middle because SHE feels good about showing off what she can afford and you resent the money spent on this cigarette smoking friend who did not do money spinning degree.

You, my friend, come across as a judgmental cow (not a bull, or an oxen, but a cow).

Oh gosh Gold get a grip! You act like you know all the people involved when you don't - if the friend doesn't want to go then she shouldn't, her choice. If she does go she should say thanks.

Your post is really horrible and quite sad btw - i have a feeling you are quite a bitter person.