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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be the breadwinner and let dad play mum

56 replies

plim · 02/12/2012 09:25

so, the facts:
Dh just lost his job last week, unexpected, unfair (we are currently pursuing unfair dismiss) shocker.
I'm on maternity leave with our 3 rd child who's just turned 1. Run a consultancy business but was about to wind it up to stay at home with our 3 kids for a while 1,4,7 yrs and do some flexible freelancing.
I earn double what dh earns - not showing off - it's just a fact but we have adjusted our living to be able to just about squeeze by on his salary.

So we are now in the proverbial poop as we have no savings, just bought a house and to top it off dh has been having counselling for depression as his boss has been bullying him so he's having a hard time. My question is, dh seems like a weight is lifted off his shoulders and I think he could do with some time out plus his industry is as dry as for jobs at the moment. Do I go back to work ft leaving dh to play mm for 12 months until 1 yr old starts at nursery in august? I spoke to some of my contacts last week and have the offer of an md job with a good solid business, it's an hour and 30 min commute from here but they would let me leave at 4 and work from home 1 day a week plus pay for hotel one evening. It's a 3 figure basic so would give us a good lifestyle. Dh is good with the kids but not as patient as me.

Sorry it's long but I am so confused :(

OP posts:
beeny · 02/12/2012 09:27

I think you should go for it but have a long chat with dh about what you will expect from him.

WileyRoadRunner · 02/12/2012 09:27

Sounds like a no brainer.

Would your DH be happy to stay at home? Perhaps patience would grow with time and it is only for 12 months.

For the time being at least it appears to be the best option.

Original poster
plim · 02/12/2012 09:27

Oh and goes without saying that it makes my heart ache to think of leaving the kids but I went back to work when our second child was 5 months old so can at least think I have had a bit more time at home. :(

OP posts:
Hopeforever · 02/12/2012 09:29

All absolutely fine for him to stay at home with the kids but please

Don't call it 'letting him play mum'

omletta · 02/12/2012 09:30

UABU to use the term 'mum' to mean stay at home parent - either parent is more an capable of caring for the children, gender is irrelevant.

Regarding the wider idea; do it, it seems a no brainer to me. Your DH will have a great relationship with his DC, you will have a fulfilling role and bring in good money, DH will have the time and space to deal with his medical issues without pressure from paid employment and the DC will have a loving parent to take care of them.

TheNebulousBoojum · 02/12/2012 09:30

Why not become the main earner?
Why only for a year and ' Let him play mum'? (horrible, shallow phrase, he won't be playing anything'
Why can't he be the main carer and you the main earner?
We did this for over 6 years and it worked well, OH learned how to manage babies and small children on the job, at exactly the same time I did.
If it will solve a lot of problems, I don't see the issue you are confused about, unless you want him to stay in his role as breadwinner and you look after children because that is what you want. How is that fair?

Original poster
plim · 02/12/2012 09:31

Dh is crushed at the moment as his career was important to him but loves being with the kids but does shout at them easily which pisses me off. Our baby loves him as he does play with her endlessly! Dh says he could maybe look at doing some consultancy of his own or professional development for 12 months like some studying fro home. I guess I'm just worried about his temper with them. And not seeing my babies as much :(

OP posts:
Original poster
plim · 02/12/2012 09:32

Ok sorry not trying to be demeaning by calling it mum, we are a very equal household

OP posts:
Original poster
plim · 02/12/2012 09:37

I do love the idea that unlike before the children will have one of us looking after them instead of a third party like previously. I have done this before ie be the breadwinner, guess I just wanted to be at home to be with our third baby longer than I have had the chance to before but I know life throws these things at you and I do know dh needs a break.

OP posts:
Helltotheno · 02/12/2012 09:42

If he shouts a lot as things are, I would see that increasing a lot if he was full time with the kids and I don't hink that's the best thing for the kids. But obviously you don't have much choice. I would voice those concerns and ask him how he intends to get that under control...

TwitchyTail · 02/12/2012 09:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
plim · 02/12/2012 09:47

He's having counselling fir the anger mgt stuff but I think he's been like a different man since he left the company he was at last week, his face looks more relaxed if that makes sense, he just seems so much better which makes me realise how much damage his bullying boss was doing for the last year. I would like to hope that with time out the temper thing will calm as his life gets less stressed.....but then again 3 children and managing a household is also a stressful job!!!

OP posts:
Helltotheno · 02/12/2012 09:52

Will maybe that type of stress will suit him better? At least he's doing somethingabout ...

Helltotheno · 02/12/2012 09:53

Something about it....ruddy phone!

Peevish · 02/12/2012 09:54

It sounds like the obvious, and right, solution. (But, as others have said, please stop saying 'playing mum' - your DH won#'t be 'playing' anything, he'll just be your children's primary carer!)

A few of my friends have this domestic set-up, and it can work very well, but may need a bit of negotiation at the start, when the roles 'change over'.

NamingOfParts · 02/12/2012 09:59

We did it for several years. It worked for us. I had gone back to work after each of our DCs was born but DH was made redundant just before DC3 was born. It was a no brainer for us so I went back to work when DC3 was just 4 weeks old.

Is the shouting because your DH is so stressed about his work do you think?

Having DH at home made our lives so much better. It does take some readjustment at the start but TBH I dont know why more people dont do this. It was great for the DCs. DH did all housework so that when it came to weekends we were free for family time.

This all happened 13 years ago. Because DH was home I was able to be much more flexible for work than other working parents. I could do things for work at short notice without having to think about childcare or housework. We were able to take advantage of a job offer abroad so we had 5 great years being expats. Something we wouldnt have been able to do if we had both been working.

DH has now retrained into a new industry and has gone back to work part time.

Original poster
plim · 02/12/2012 10:00

I have stopped saying playing mum promise. Blush

I know what you mean about negotiation, it will be hard I think to start off with.

OP posts:
catgirl1976geesealaying · 02/12/2012 10:02

We do

He doesn't "play mum"

He is a father

bunchamunchycrunchycarrots · 02/12/2012 10:13

I think this sounds like a good plan. But, you need to have an open, honest discussion about your concerns re his temper. It would be worthwhile looking for a parenting course, to help him understand why shouting doesn't have the desired effect, and he would also learn other techniques that would help him parent without shouting. You could suggest you both attend so he doesn't feel criticised or singled out.

Original poster
plim · 02/12/2012 10:19

Thanks bunchamunch, I guess that's my worry as I tend to do most of the parenting stuff at the moment so that would be a learning curve for both of us.

OP posts:
Splatt34 · 02/12/2012 10:22

I work FT, DH part time self employed. What he earns pays for his car, phone, "pocket money" and DD 2 days at nursery. I work an average 50 hour week plus 2 hour per day commute.

DD & DH have an awesome relationship but I also get time with her as DH will work on one of my days off. DH also is a million times better at house work than me, and since he's been doing the grocerues a far better understanding of budget.

It works really well for us and is the only way we coukd pay our mortgage & have a nice (def not extravagant) lifestyle.

but he won't be "playing mum" he'll be SAHD

NickNacks · 02/12/2012 10:23

When you say it's a 3 figure basic salary do you mean 6 figure?

'Cos 3 figure doesn't make sense??

Original poster
plim · 02/12/2012 10:24

Sorry yes 6 figure in 100k bracket

OP posts:
Original poster
plim · 02/12/2012 10:25

And yes got the playing mum thing, stay at home dad thing

OP posts:
McChristmasPants2012 · 02/12/2012 10:28

it don't sound like you have much choice tbh, if you don't go to work you will lose the house and how is other bills going to get paid.