To be the breadwinner and let dad play mum

[plim]

so, the facts:
Dh just lost his job last week, unexpected, unfair (we are currently pursuing unfair dismiss) shocker.
I'm on maternity leave with our 3 rd child who's just turned 1. Run a consultancy business but was about to wind it up to stay at home with our 3 kids for a while 1,4,7 yrs and do some flexible freelancing.
I earn double what dh earns - not showing off - it's just a fact but we have adjusted our living to be able to just about squeeze by on his salary.

So we are now in the proverbial poop as we have no savings, just bought a house and to top it off dh has been having counselling for depression as his boss has been bullying him so he's having a hard time. My question is, dh seems like a weight is lifted off his shoulders and I think he could do with some time out plus his industry is as dry as for jobs at the moment. Do I go back to work ft leaving dh to play mm for 12 months until 1 yr old starts at nursery in august? I spoke to some of my contacts last week and have the offer of an md job with a good solid business, it's an hour and 30 min commute from here but they would let me leave at 4 and work from home 1 day a week plus pay for hotel one evening. It's a 3 figure basic so would give us a good lifestyle. Dh is good with the kids but not as patient as me.

Sorry it's long but I am so confused :(

okay people, OP has retracted her use of 'playing mum', so move on.

I think this sounds like a very good arrangement and a very sensible use of resources in a situation you weren't expecting.

I would just be careful about your dp's situation and stress/anger issues. It might need some sympathetic management from you. If he is seeing a counsellor etc, then that's excellent, and he should keep going (just in case he thinks 'I'm not at work now, I can stop'). It will be a safety valve and support for him.

If he seems happier because he is out of a stressy work situation very recently, just be aware that he may start to 'come down' a bit about his work and career positiom in general as the dust settles. personally I would avoid using any phrases like 'taking time off work' or using a year or so to reorient himself workwise. If he is staying at home ft with small children, it will be busy and demanding - it won't feel like 'time off'.

I'd also 'trial' it. Say you'll do two months and see how it goes. Then if you need to make any changes, or it really isn't working, you can think again. no one else needs to know this, just you two.

It could all work out very well! I just think the b/g of stress needs some managing.

Go for it. All the practical reasons are there for you to take this job.

Re your DH depression can be quite psychically draining, I don't think you are in the poop. This is a fantastic opportunity for him to have an industry break, though sounds like he will be kept busy I other ways which is good, give home structure to keep to.

Congrats on such a good job offer, jobs at that level are hard to come by especially with those flexible arrangements attached.

my warning ime you are about to embark upon a role change, be very aware of this and talk a lot about what it will mean re feelings etc for both of you. Sorry if I'm stating obvious but this had a profound effect on my marriage when we went through it, looking back we just ambled on and didn't acknowledge the fact we were going through huge changes.

Hth I think your in a good position. How do you feel about going back?

With regard to your feelings about leaving the children.

I think the thing with a decision like this is to remember children continue to need parenting beyond the baby years. Perhaps you can look at the situation as a short-term measure. Now is your partner's turn. And plan for you to have a turn in future.

I worked FT away on the other side of the country four days a week last year. One day at home. I'm taking a three month sabbatical at the moment. My aim is to pay off more of the mortgage this next year to give me flexibility to cut back again when my dyslexic DS needs support with transitioning to secondary school.

It is hard leaving them. It made me feel very lonely. I also had people saying things like "I could never do that" or "i could never work more three days" and my very favourite "oh Tea happily leaves her 4DS and likes to leave them for the week". But I politely corrected people's misconceptions and always kept in mind my reward of time with them later. It is manageable. And bits of it are enjoyable - I particularly liked drinking warm coffee, dressing up for work, chairing effective meetings and getting stuff off my list.

Good Luck.

Thanks, like the trial idea for both of us and that could tie in with probation on job too. I feel confused. I really wanted to be at home for longer as it's our last baby but a year is good so not wanting to sound selfish. Our daughter is 7 and just been told she is dyslexic so worried about her but dh is good at all that. Financial security would be nice and we would have double the income we have had. The job is with an old industry guy I know, he is lovely, CEO of a business of 60 employees and growing, he has just been diagnosed with Parkinson's so is leaving in a year. Very sad. Just emotionally all a bit much to get my head round.

Go for it op. It's a no brainier to me. Why would you even need to think twice?!

Good luck.

Life is about being flexible and grabbing opportunities where they work and letting go of ones that no longer satisfy your need.

I'd go for it like a shot. I think both parents having time at home and time working is wonderful as it really helps each understand each other's role, pressures etc

If you'll have a lot more money you could pay for a couple of mornings nursery too if your DH wants to develop freelancing or do another qualification or somethig. This would also give him space to work on the anger et and get head space to get over the bullying at work (which should not be minimised in my exp)

My DH has dropped to part time this year and it's been great for DS, who has two very involved parents, but also for our relationship.

This job sounds like a fantastic opportunity op, go for it.

Thanks a million for such great advice, so much to think about. I do think the what other people will think comments is so true, dh parents will freak out as they like me to be as subservient as possible. My mum thinks dh should sign on and get incapacity benefit . but I guess dh and I need to sit down once full offer is in writing and weigh it all up.

My friend was in this situation for a couple of years (she was offered a great job but in another part of the country, while her DH was trying to get a new business off the ground and not earning much). It worked out really well for both of them as they now both have a really strong relationship with the children, although there were some teething troubles. Things that helped her: i) having a really reliable nursery ii) getting a cleaner (her DH was great with the children but didn't notice sticky floors or piles of laundry, which used to be what she was greeted with when returning on a Friday night and iii) working out jokey ways to deal with the criticisms from other people/the children e.g. "oh of course I don't forget what the DC look like, the school send me pictures!" and "yes Daddy does make sandwiches like that and I make them a different way, isn't that interesting!!"

Good luck, sounds like a great opportunity.

Just seen your most recent comment...I think you will need to start developing a jokey response bank for the ILs...IME people can really get personally offended and a bit weird when you make different life choices to them/their generation - doesn't mean you're wrong - society and the economy are very different now.

My sis and dh did that, but 2 sons 7 & 9.

How about having some childcare time on one or two of the days so that your husband can look for a job too?

I work FT, main breadwinner, six figure salary, dh been at home (though works from home too PT) with kids since they were 2 and 4 (now 8 and 11).

It never occurred to us not to!

It has worked extremely well because it plays to both our strengths.

I absolutely HATE the expression 'playing mum' too. It's insulting to men and women. He is not playing mum, he is being their dad. Just like I am a full time mother even though I work full time!

It reminds me of the many female family members who say to my dh 'aren't ou good?' when he cooks dinner. Uh no he's just cooking tea for his family. Not that I don't think he is wonderful SAHD and husband, he is, but he's not 'good' for just getting on with what has to be done!

That leads me to my other point - he is very houseproud, organised and a great cook which of course means he's suited to being at home whereas I am a lousy cook and a bit of a cutting corners type cleaner (though I do do a lot of cleaning on the weekend.) I also come home and do all the kids' bedtime routine/bathing/homework.

Importantly, I did negotiate that I take the kids to school when I took my five years ago. In fact I didn't negotiate salary (like durr!) only this. But it's paid off as I've had promotions and pay rises but I STILL take kids to school AND always go to all parent's evenings, assemblies etc etc. My CEO knows this and knows it's the one thing I 'demand'.

when I took my job five years ago

re: incapacity benefit - last time I looked, it was about £70-£80 pw (not entirely sure though) - so it's not a huge amount, and your dp would need to be signed off by a doctor.

It did make me think though - check out your situation re: child benefit. as a single earner earning a 3 figure basic, you won't get any. You may have been getting this on dp's wage, I don't know.

Re: other's attitudes - yeah. It is very tedious, but dads tend to be praised to the skies for doing anything at all, esp if it is domestic. Whereas women aren't. If you have a family or inlaws that have very 'traditional' views, you AND your dp will need to be prepared and be very very thick skinned.

More importantly - agree up front what the sahp is happy to do in terms of housework and running the household, and how this is to be shared with the ft worker. When this goes wrong, it tends to go really wrong! if you can afford it, get a cleaner.

ps when a man is working full time and has a baby or small children, no one ever seems to ask him what arrangements he's made, or can't work let him go part time, or doesn't he find it hard when they are so small etc etc.

With working mothers it seems to be standard. Does my head in.

True rain, wise words, thank you

More importantly - agree up front what the sahp is happy to do in terms of housework and running the household, and how this is to be shared with the ft worker. When this goes wrong, it tends to go really wrong! if you can afford it, get a cleaner

This ^

You defo need to agree what he will and won't do. Read a lot of stories on here where the SAHD does fuck all house working leaving it all for the working mum, plus expects her to do 100% of the childcare at the weekend and evenings!

The only thing I would say is this: if my marriage was under any kind of strain and I thought it wouldn't last, then there is no way I'd do this because he could get custody.

Echoing Whois here - i went back FT after DD1 as i earn 4 times what my DH pulls in. The plan was that he would go part time and pick up the childcare and majority of house work. This NEVER happened. He didn't go part time. He did sweet FA in the house and then when he had DD they'd watch TV all day and never - even in summer - get out of the house. It really pissed me off It almost broke me. He just didn't see the stress it put me under. He then went to uni 200 miles away for 2 years and then would come home and ignore us at the weekends. I got to the point of issuing an ultimatum - he sorts himself out or leaves. We ended up in counselling and things have improved - he acknowledges what a complete arse he was and has admitted now that working part time really isn't for him. So we have to work it out (does mean he pulls more money in though).

The point to the ramble and slight hijack above (apologies) is that you have to discuss what you will both be expecting, assess it regularly and be honest about it. It can work though and it sounds like a great option for you.

Having done this for many years our experience was that on the whole most peole didnt really question it once they had got it clear. DM & DPiL worried about it more as it went against their own more traditional views of gender roles.

The kids loved it. DH is their dad and they did a lot more 'dad' things - this has meant that they are a lot more practical than many children! DH is a keen DIYer so once all three DCs were at school he had time for projects round the house and garden.

One tip - make sure that you make pension arrangements for your DH.

I think this is a no-brainer tbh. You wont enjoy another couple of years at home with the baby if you lose your home because you can't pay the mortgage, will you?

(And the chances of your DH getting incapacity benefit are minuscule by the way. My DM can barely walk the length of herself and she isn't getting it. I suspect your ILs read the Daily Mail)

Maybe you could take the full time roll to play the bills for a year? hubby could be at home for a year? My be you could both work part time after a year - three days each.