To be the breadwinner and let dad play mum

[plim]

so, the facts:
Dh just lost his job last week, unexpected, unfair (we are currently pursuing unfair dismiss) shocker.
I'm on maternity leave with our 3 rd child who's just turned 1. Run a consultancy business but was about to wind it up to stay at home with our 3 kids for a while 1,4,7 yrs and do some flexible freelancing.
I earn double what dh earns - not showing off - it's just a fact but we have adjusted our living to be able to just about squeeze by on his salary.

So we are now in the proverbial poop as we have no savings, just bought a house and to top it off dh has been having counselling for depression as his boss has been bullying him so he's having a hard time. My question is, dh seems like a weight is lifted off his shoulders and I think he could do with some time out plus his industry is as dry as for jobs at the moment. Do I go back to work ft leaving dh to play mm for 12 months until 1 yr old starts at nursery in august? I spoke to some of my contacts last week and have the offer of an md job with a good solid business, it's an hour and 30 min commute from here but they would let me leave at 4 and work from home 1 day a week plus pay for hotel one evening. It's a 3 figure basic so would give us a good lifestyle. Dh is good with the kids but not as patient as me.

Sorry it's long but I am so confused :(

Dont underestimate the freedom that having a SAHP brings - it really is IME a lot more relaxing. Your childcare problems start when DCs are at school, they dont seem to ease what with the inevitable bugs, training days, school holidays etc etc.

Having a SAHP means that if the school phones to say that a DC is poorly then there is no drama. A parent is available for those special assemblies. Okay it isnt you (but quite frankly when you have attended one you have attended the lot!). Your DCs wont mind so long as someone is there.

This is a huge benefit to your career - you know that you dont need to worry about what is going on at home. There is someone you know, love and trust sorting it all.

Yes agree sahp means a huge amount to us, that's a massive upside and couldn't relax if our youngest was in a nursery or with a nanny at her age, I've done it before and it didn't work for me at all. Just me, I appreciate it works for others.

Sounds a sensible plan to me.

Plim, one thought if you do decide to go ahead with this - make sure that you find some emotional support for yourself. While being the main or sole breadwinner is good it can sometimes feel a bit isolating. I found that a lot of my female colleagues were single so didnt have the same feeling of being totally responsible for feeding, clothing and housing 5 people.

This wasnt an evryday worry but if things were looking difficult for the business I was in then I did sometimes feel quite vulnerable. In this situation it isnt possible to simply step off the treadmill and say 'your turn' to DH if there is a big difference in earning potential.

My DH and I have swapped SAH duties several times in the last few years. I also think your decision is a no-brainer.

On the transition bit, my advice is to show him all your routines and how you do things and what the children expect and then leave him to it. He's not going to do things the exact same way and that's fine. Do have a thorough discussion about the things you need to be on the same page about for example, consistent discipline and things like that -- but also be clear about where it doesn't matter.

Also have a very frank discussion of housework and how to divide it up.

And then say very openly that the first few weeks are transitional and you can always reevaluate how things are going and adjust.

How does your DH feel about childcare? Because I do think, especially if he wants to do some retraining or something to keep his skills up, he would benefit greatly from having some time to himself as well, even just one day a week or two afternoons or something like that. I appreciate you don't want to use childcare but if he's okay with it then I think it would be good if you could at least consider it.

I would personally be less worried about leaving my children with a nanny part-time, then about leaving 3 kids full-time with a husband recovering from depression and dealing with anger management issues. He needs some time to get well too.

Works for me and my DH.

As it is a steep learning curve for your DH, not having done much on-his-own childcare, you will have to talk, talk, talk, discuss, debrief etc a LOT while he gets used to it. He will do looking after the children quite differently from how you do it, and that has to be negotiated: enough leeway to do it his way, with agreement on the key things by both parents.

The big bonus is that it gets you out of the easy traditional roles of Mum does the caring, Dad is quite hands off from kids, so the children will have real closeness and affection from both parents. If you're anything like me you may well cry the first time the baby wants Dad for comfort instead of you, but then you will realise it is fabulous for them to be so close to both of you.

Be warned though, there still aren't that many SAHD and it can be isolating.