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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have left 11 year old DD home alone for 20 minutes?

105 replies

freddiefrog · 02/12/2012 09:20

My car is only 4 seats

Yesterday I had DD1, our foster child, DD2 and a friend here so more people than seats in the car.

I had to take DD2 plus friend to a birthday party in town, so left DD1 here on her own (about 20 minutes)

She's sensible, has a mobile phone, plenty of neighbours around. She walks to school on her own and goes out with her mates anyway

DH was a bit shitty about it

OP posts:
cory · 02/12/2012 09:42

If there was a fire or power cut, is there anything an adult could do that an 11yo couldn't?

For the record, my ds aged 11 was the only person at hand when his older sister (who is certainly old enough to be left alone) had a serious fall in the summer. He coped in exactly the same way as an adult would: rang emergency services and reassured her until they came- I don't see a single thing that I could have done that he didn't do.

Not much you can do about a power cut, is there? What could your dh himself do except wait for the electricity to come back on?

Original poster
freddiefrog · 02/12/2012 09:44

It was our DD I left

DD likes being home on her own for a while, she feels all grown up and responsible.

DH can be a bit over protective sometimes, he's quite gung ho with some stuff, but gets all Victorian about others, I think she's used to it and humours him a bit.

I can see me sneaking bags of clothes out of the house when she's 15 - my dad was the same and I remember throwing a bag of clothes out of my bedroom window and picking it up on the way to a friends house to get changed Grin

OP posts:
RubyGates · 02/12/2012 09:44

I was on my own for about half-an-hour every evening until my Mum got back from work at that age.

Admittedly if there was a problem my Nan lived 5 houses up the road, but I don't think it's unreasonable at that age.

MissAnnersley · 02/12/2012 09:45

DS is 11 soon. I leave him when I go round to the shops, I'm away for about 10 minutes.
I am going to be buiding up to leaving him to let himself into the house by himself.

I wouldn't think twice about going out and leaving him for 20 minutes or half an hour.

YWNBU

mumto2andnomore · 02/12/2012 09:45

I'm over protective my mumsnet standards but even I think 20 mins for an 11 year old is fine , especially in the daytime

edam · 02/12/2012 09:46

I'm going to be boring and agree with everyone else. If dh is that bothered, he needs to buy you a bigger car. (Especially as you have three children.)

Sparklingbrook · 02/12/2012 09:46

Thinking about it, it does depend on where you live. Our street has quite a lot of retired people in most of the day who have said that DS2 can go straight over to them if there's a problem. One of them holds a spare key and the alarm code for us just in case.

Musomathsci · 02/12/2012 09:47

Standard instructions to my 11yr old are "Don't answer the door or the phone. Leave the house immediately if it catches fire. Call me for any other problems!"

Musomathsci · 02/12/2012 09:48

Edam - fantastic suggestion, best yet!

Original poster
freddiefrog · 02/12/2012 09:53

I think his problem was more that I was in the car, some distance away - it was a soft play party in town about 7 miles away

If the had house caught fire I was a distance away

But, I don't see it as any bigger risk than her falling off her bike on her way home from school, or tripping over in the park

We have lovely neighbours who we/she can call on if there was an emergency. She's also quite sensible, I wouldn't have left her if a) I didn't think she could cope and b) there wasn't back up if there was an emergency

OP posts:
plim · 02/12/2012 09:54

Yanbu if she's sensible and not likely to light up fags or hit the booze cabinet as my friends 12 yr old did when she left him alone for half an hour!!

lovebunny · 02/12/2012 09:56

seems fair. 20 minutes isn't long and she already has some independence. i'd do it.

Original poster
freddiefrog · 02/12/2012 09:57

Oh, we do have a bigger car, but he was out in it - he had a scout thing which involved giving lifts to other people so needed the bigger car

It was one of those days where everything went a bit wrong (I'd forgotten I'd offered to give DD2's friend a lift to the party) so had to improvise

OP posts:
FivesAndNorks · 02/12/2012 09:59

I think it's fine, I remember my very over protective parents doing this when I was this age.
However I want to ask, what is the age you would start to leave them? I know it depends on the child etc, but normal, reasonably sensible NT child, what sort of age would you consider nipping to the shop, leaving him alone for 15, 20 mins? I have a 5 year old and though I would never do it, I do think he would be fine. But I know someone who would leave her 7 (maybe 8?) year old for 10 mins while she nips out - not often but every now and again and in specific circumstances. Is that reasonable?

FivesAndNorks · 02/12/2012 10:01

Actually, in this case I think it is so reasonable I don't think it even warrants an AIBU (sorry OP, not picking on you, but just making the point that I don't think there is any unreasonableness at all)
Leaving a 9 year old for 20 mins - maybe, maybe not. Leaving an 11 year old for half a day, maybe, maybe not. But I actually think leaving a sensible 11 year old for 20 minutes is completely normal.

Felicitywascold · 02/12/2012 10:04

He's a scouter? And he still thinks its unreasonable? Blimey? I'm confused now.

Coralanne · 02/12/2012 10:04

one of our surgery patients has an eleven year old DD.

One day the DD came bursting into the surgery and asked to use our telephone.

Turns out her Mum was at work, Dad had ducked down to the shop for 10 minutes . DD had gone out to the back garden for something and the back door slammed shut.

DD had enough commonsense to come to a safe place to phone her dad. She knew both her Mum and Dad's mobile numbers.

I phoned her Dad ahd she waited with us until he came for her about 12 minutes later.

Just goes to show that if something does go wrong they are more than capable of using their thought processes to figure out what to do.

MrsMiniversCharlady · 02/12/2012 10:05

What does he think working parents do when their children get to secondary school? There is no childcare round here past primary school so once ds got to secondary (11.5 yo) he let himself in at 3.30pm and was on his own until about 6pm when one of us got back. He survived Grin although what will happen when ds2 joins him in September is another matter

Coralanne · 02/12/2012 10:08

Wasnt counting the minutes, meant 20 minutes?

Is this another AIBU. I typed this whole thing with the phone to my ear listening to my DM natter away. Haven't a clue what she said. Just put in the occasional yes, no , really? Xmas Blush

GhostShip · 02/12/2012 10:08

She's 11! I was at home alone for a couple of hours at 11.

chicaguapa · 02/12/2012 10:09

I think that's ok. DD(11) is in y6 and is home alone for an hour after school 3 days a week. DD is happy with that and she knows what to do in an emergency.

cory · 02/12/2012 10:16

MrsMinivers is right: there is virtually no childcare available for secondary school children, which means that children of working parents simply have to be able to cope on their own.

mum2threesons · 02/12/2012 10:21

YANBU.
I leave my 13 year old DS alone when I need to go out for a little while, I have done for the past couple of years.
My 10 year old DS is now asking if he can stay at home if I need to pop out for 5 minutes..nice to know he can't wait to get rid of me!!

AnnoyingOrange · 02/12/2012 10:28

YANBU. My 11 yr old is regularly left at home for an hour whilst I take my 13 yr old for a music lesson.

Floggingmolly · 02/12/2012 11:03

Why do you think she would be less safe in her own home than walking to school on her own? There isn't even a trace of logic there...