to dump my BF for going with a prostitute...

[snailfiddler]

... 24 years ago.

On a lads holiday to Amsterdam.

quite a few people are getting a little hectic about promoting men's choices to use prostitutes in their youth (like seeing posts that don't exist)

strangely, the people who are getting least in a flap about it are the ones who advocate her calmly walking away

OP YANBU to want to walk away, or to walk away. I'n sorry this dilemma has come your way. Only you know if you can get past it. I would suspect not.

this post is to you tao

you quoted me there out of context

what I said was in reply to another poster who said people were calling him a woman-hating bastard (and those words had not been used)

yes, it is implicit for me...but I didn't say that on the thread until the accusation was put out there

if the fact that he went with a prostitute means that he's not the person you thought he was, then let him go.
i do wonder why he bothered to tell you.

Honestly, I think I would at least need to time to think. People make mistakes when they're young of course,but if it doesn't sit well with you now,it never will. It depends on how you feel about him other than that really.

Paying a prostitute for sex is a million miles away from going to a lap dancing club/watching porn to me personally. The latter two I could get over without issue. Paying a prostitute is different. Perhaps because they are so much more vulnerable.

I am getting wound up because I have made so very big mistakes in my time, and thankfully I am not getting judged now for what I did 20 years ago. I have changed, most people do change and grow up, and I am a little surprised at how many people will judge a (lets say) 45 year old man for something he did as a 21 year old on a lads holiday.

It was wrong, nobody would argue that it was wrong and no one is saying that it a mans right to use prostitutes, whatever his age. But, I am saying it is wrong to assume that one mistake defines a person for the rest of their lives, especially if they regret it, have learned from it and have never repeated it.

Can you step back from making a decision for a few days and see how it just sits with you? That may help you work out whether it's something you can move on from or not. If you can't get it out of your mind, you may have your answer.

See I would never ever approve the use of prostitute. Going to see a prostitute is certainly a very crap choice re spending your time in a lad's hols.
I can see that the OP doesn't approve about it either.
I can also see that her bf doesn't approve about it either.
I can see that the OP's bf has changed to how he was 24 years ago.
I can see that this is a difficult dilemma for the OP as she battling to see if there are some actions that can never be forgiven, regardless of the circumstances and if seeing prostitute is one of them.
I can see some posters think that this an unforgivable action and should never ever be forgiven or forgotten about.

And I can only see that this man is different now from who he was 24 years ago.
I can only see a man who had the opportunity to go and see prostitute for the last 24 years and has chosen not to do so.
I can only see that sometimes people make mistakes and should spend their lives being beaten about it.

Hearing of 'women haters' etc... is making me think that some posters here are over reacting to say the least.

tao it's you that keeps using the term "women haters", seriously

and yes, before you quote me again, I am repeating what you said

Interesting thread. My first reaction to all the advice to leave him was "OMG, get a life - it was 24 years ago!" but then on reflection, I think probably anyone has some lines in the sand that can last that long. I'm sure that if I got into a relationship with someone and then found out they were a serial killer or child rapist 24 years ago, I wouldn't be able to stay not matter how much they'd changed or regretted it. So it's really just a question of what your indelible lines are. Some people probably feel as absolute in their hatred of men who use prostitutes as I feel about those things. Only you can decide whether you do.

I would probably say that you should try and look at it not from the POV of how you view prostitution now, but how HE did THEN. If he was highly aware of the problems with it and educated in feminist critiques of it, and still did it anyway because he didn't care, that would be one thing. But it sounds more like he was young and stupid and under peer pressure and just didn't know much. You don't know the exact situation of the individual prostitute he went to, or anything much specific about it.

I think on balance I'd be reluctant to say that a man who has once crossed that line is permanently, fundamentally different from men who haven't, so I wouldn't advise leaving him in the hope of finding one on the other side of the line.

AF I completely got your post was for me....

And no I don't think it was out of context. because that exactly what your posts were all saying implicitly. As you have just recognized now.
What you 'haven't' said was just as clear as what you have said.

But I am struggling to see how this is 'getting in flap' unless of course, having a different opinion than you and saying out loud is getting in flap.

I can totally related to bogey and others on here who are horrified at the idea that the mistakes they've made 20 years ago are still hanging over their head and can not and will not be forgotten.

Actually I am sure you are too. Unless you have never made any mistakes yourselves?

A few xpost here.
You used the term first not me....

Shall I understand then that you do not think of men who use prostitute as 'women haters'?
Or did I understand well in saying that you DO think that men who use prostitute are like this?
In which case, it should be fair to read your posts with that in mind?

Or is it the term itself that is an issue to you?

Just speed-read the whole thread, so apologies if I've missed anything

To me the key thing is the 24 years ago. OP you haven't mentioned BF's age that I've seen, I'm assuming 40 something?

I squirm with embarrassment about some of the stuff I did when I was late teens/twenty something (and a few things I did in my thirties). Often I did it to impress my so called mates. Obviously going with a prostitute is not something slightly drunk, hyped up young women are likely to be egged on to do, but I can quite see equivalent young men ending up doing it.

You should make your judgement call on the man you know now, not the idiotic twenty something out on the lash in 1988.

FastLoris
I tend to agree with your logic. I strongly suspect that if he was a 20 year old lad he probably hadn't really thought through the implications of prostitution. He was scared of looking a wuss in front of his mates and was quite possibly under the influence of alcohol or drugs.

Its not as if he is trying to excuse it now or laughing it off as laddish high spirits. I don't think I would take an absolute position on this I would have to weigh up what his views were at the time and what they are now.

I guess what it comes down to you is on what level of wrongdoing you place the use of prostituted women

everybody's "hierarchy" is different

personally, I place it pretty high on the list of deal breakers

others do not

OP would not BU to view this as a deal breaker...but some of you are trying to tell her that she is (or rather throwing buns at other posters who are simply giving their opinion...as asked for by the op, as I said before)

so, spats between correspondents aside, this is a black and white issue (on this thread aside)

she is BU, or she is not BU

one of those stances is telling her what she should do (no! You couldn't possibly dump him for what he did 24 years ago!)...the other stance is saying "you have a choice"

which is the most reasonable one ? Answers on a postcard, preferably without words put in mouths, please.

on this thread at least

tao to be perfectly precise, it was bogey that used the term first, and I was reflecting it back at her

then you picked up on it

AFD
I guess what it comes down to you is on what level of wrongdoing you place the use of prostituted women

I think for me there would be a qualification on that statement along the lines of "the use of prostituted women understanding the reality of prostitution".

In other words I might accept a level of ignorance of the reality of prostitution at the age of 18 I probably would be less convinced if the man was 28 at the time.

Tao - thanks for summarising. I found that helpful.

I do need some time to think about this, and I need another conversation with him (pref not in the wee small hours) to get a better idea of what his views are before I make any decision. He has a lot of good points. Very good points. I do need to decide what my boundaries are. I guess it comes down to:

Is he a misogynistic wanker? (Today, now. Not back then)

Or

Did he fuck up 24 yrs ago but now realises that what he did was exploitative and misogynistic?

Hmmmmm

and chaz, just to add my extra little bit to what you said...some things really are unforgiveable, for some people

Sounds a good plan, OP. I don't envy your position but hope you make the right decision for you.

Just answered in the other thread.

Without going back in time 24 years and interviewing the prostitute in question, we will never know the facts of her life, and she's the only one he has any responsibility for.

He was a kid. It's in the past. It's what happens next that matters and beating him up on that long ago incident is useless.

Yes totally unreasonable.

On the basis that this was 24 years ago, before you met, and he wouldn't do it again. People make mistakes. In the scale of things, this is a small one.