To ask what you never let your child do and what usually makes you shout?

[ATourchOfInsanity]

It occurred to me yesterday that I never really shout at DD. She is only just about to turn 16mo so I don't have much to get annoyed with her about to be fair and I imagine that will change in time.

On the other end of the spectrum, I have a friend who is constantly shouting 'NO!' at her son, which she assures me is a better way to parent as it is setting boundaries. She took a psychology degree so I wonder if I should be more shouty? It seems though that her DS just laughs at her and carries on doing climbing/whacking the TV with his 'staff' or throwing food at the wall.
On the other hand, for me, if DD goes to the door with a pen, I say noooo, but not in a sharp way, more of a 'you cheeky monkey!' way and she usually turns, grins and comes back to draw on the paper. Not every time mind! I find I save the big 'NO!'s for things like looking like she is going to open the oven when it is on or trying to pick up a glass votive eek!.

Am I starting a bad precedent for myself?

Your both doing fine by doing it your own way. Chill and go with your instincts!

FFS You're

Shouty Mums will always tell you they never intended to be shouty Mums. As your child grows you will find what works for you on a daily basis. It may be gentle persuasion or it may be a "stop" word said firmly. Every child is different and what works at 16 months might not work at 4 years.

Whatever works is fine, unless it's a cattle prod . I have a 3 year old and a 6 year old. Sometimes shouting over the noise they are making is the only thing that stops them in their tracks. They can make more noise than a zoo.

BTW- you sound quite critical of your friend and her son.

I think its wise to pick your battles. If you shout all the time your children might be less inclined to take any notice if you are shouting for serious reasons (eg. if they are about to do something dangerous like step into the road).

I didn't shout at my children till they were over 2. Not a concious thing, but they never frustrated me to the point of shouting anytime before this. I have a 4yr old and a 2yr old and I do feel like I shout quite a bit now, especially as the older DC is always annoying the younger one and the younger one is in her terrible twos and destroys everything in the house.

No I never meant to be a shouty mum either.

Oops - I was hoping not to sound too critical. She has been quite derisory about my 'over parenting' recently, even cutting out an article and saving it for me to warn me against the perils of doing DC's homework.
I guess the degree she has makes me feel uncomfortable when she feels the need to save articles like this for me and tell me what she thinks I am doing wrong when I can't see anything wrong in the first place
I really just want other people's opinions though. I can agree to disagree with my friend.

I try and save shouty no's for danger only ( fire/ roads etc)

I think I am fairly relaxed and chilled tbh, but strict on on manners/ safety etc but in a good way I think

OP- Oh God if my friends was cutting out articles on parenting for me I'd be very pissed off! That's so tactless! YANBU.

Perhaps you should print out a copy of this thread and have a look at it in a couple of years time.

All I will say on this subject is that I am repaid in spades for all the times that I looked at other parents and wondered why they shouted at their children.

I should probably have said her DS and my DD are the same age.

I fully expect to have a lot more to shout about as she gets older and will no doubt turn into shouty mum too. I simply don't find her annoying enough to warrant a shout yet. Hoping this is normal and I am not just a horizontal mother!

Well, you might be a horizontal mother, but you not a horrible mother!

Seriously, if a friend handed me an article? I'd laugh and hand it back.

We all judge each other all the time. Anyone who says they don't is lying.

But don't worry about it. I'm sure you're doing the best you can. Just keep doing it!

Well, fwiw I'm a psychologist (and a degree in psych doesn't make anyone an expert in child dev) and ds is 14 months. And I never meant to be a shouty mum :( but things which press my buttons: horrendous nappy changes (fighting it), unintentionally hurting me (head butting etc), and most things in the middle of the night...(going through rough patch with sleeping)

I don't really shout no, but I do say it in response to things I don't want him to do. Ime, what I know professionally, and how I behave as a mother are sadly two different things usually!

As for cutting articles out...she is being unreasonable and rude. Do what feels right for you and your family :)

Well I'm not a shouter, though I did shout at dd for running into the road. I have always had clear boundaries on what I expect and have always dished out heaps of praise. I also have found that for 'no' to really mean it, I say yes to an awful lot.
Don't get me wrong, im not being smug, but they haven't really done much to warrant me losing it. Lots of it comes down to the fact that my mum was a big shouty angry person, didn't do civilt conversation with her children just lots of negativity and shouty anger. It made me determined not to make my dc feel the way she made me and my dbro feel.
I do think a lot of parenting is about picking your battles. You and your friend are both doing fine if you feel happy about your choices.

I never let her hang about in the park in the dark

And I to walk away when she eye rolls, tuts or swear about me under her breath as it give me the rage internally - I do a good job of masking it though.

I never, ever shouted when I had one child, it wasn't until I had a 1 and a 3 year old. Then I shouted a lot (and cried a bit) for a few years.
I don't think I've shouted at them since they were about 5 an 7. Now 14 and 16 - they get easier .

Things that make me shout "No!" att DD18mo 1) dangerous things- touching the hot oven, racing towards the road, attempting to climb the bookcase 2) attempting to touch my specs. God, I hate that. Poke your own damned eyes.

Everything else it's "uh-uh-uh, DD. We don't (whatever)." and a tiny bit of redirection. Nothing wrong with your way of parenting. Anyway, if you shout lots it loses its power.

OP, there is the merest hint of smugness in your post, often witnessed by mums of girls who compare their themselves to mums of boys...

Shouting is not great, obviously.

I have this friend who is smug about her DD behaviour compared to my boys' antics.

She thinks it is down to superior parenting. I think that lots of parents parenting 2 or more boys occasionally, very very rarely really , raise their voice....

I think shouting at a 16 month old, depending on the 16 month old, can be seriously counter-productive. Child thinks: OOh nice big interesting reaction from mum there, I'll do that again. My DS2 was one such child.

Also, if you shout they switch off. There's no way you cab escalate your tone of voice if you shout No at everything they do

Distraction, avoidance of trouble in the first place, giving a positive instruction rather than negative, worked better for me.

Psychology, shymychology degree. If she's a scientist, she'll eventually see the shouting doesn't work

I don't shout much at my dc either, but there was this one time when I was feeling cranky and they were making a heck of a noise, angrily yelling at one another. I took a deep breath and bellowed, 'Right, so we're shouting, are we? If so, I can make a lot more noise than either of you two can!' I sounded like John Cleese. The dc went from to and I felt a bit stupid. On the other hand, they were quiet for a bit.

Anyway, OP, back to the matter in hand, I'd rather live in your house than in your degree-toting friend's. I've got a degree in librarianship. I have two overdue books at home, one of which I can't find. Just because she's got a degree, doesn't mean she's any good on a practical level, remember that.

Also on a practical level, I would stop doing the dc's homework. Haven't you got other stuff to get on with?

true actually, 16 months is young to start shouting. Don't remember what age I started but am now out of the habit of shouting, ..so that IF I yell, once in a blue moon, they are all worried (rubbish mum emoticon)

You know what, OP? I reckon this is what she will have learnt on her degree is called 'transference'. She sees your laidback approach working when her shouty isn't quite so successful and she's trying to make herself feel better by telling herself you're the one making the mistakes - but as in setting yourself up for future problems, hence the homework article.

I'm not shouty or particularly strict, and determined not to be cos of my own very shouty mother, and I find it works for me. If you're constantly on at your child/children, it makes them feel like they can't do right for doing wrong, so why not act up, IMHO.

Chandon, my very well-behaved toddler is a boy. Super-active, yes, but not a lot of bother. That sort of comment actually just promotes the boys/girls stuff.

Georgianmum that made me laugh! Bet your dc got a bit of a shock!